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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband gaslighting me about holiday?

139 replies

Ilovemybike88 · 30/04/2022 19:15

My husband and I went out for what was supposed to be a lunch date whilst our son was at a play date. Started nice enough however I casually mentioned that in 3 weeks time we have our short holiday booked & we should start to think about a few things we want to do whilst we are away. We are staying in an air bnb by the coast for 3 nights. This is our first child free holiday in about 9 years as our son is going away that same week on a school residential trip. I was so excited. This was a much needed break for the two of us to reconnect after what has been a very difficult period. Anyway when I brought it up he replied ‘I have got to work that week you know, I’ll have to take my laptop and work for a few hours each day’ When I questioned this his reply was that he had already told me this. He 100% did not tell me, I think i would have remembered. He could tell I was upset but was kept repeating that he had told me. He has not booked the time off, he has only marked it in his diary as ‘working remotely’. I am gutted, I was really really looking forward to this holiday. He has now down played the whole thing & is saying that I shouldn’t have assumed he was booking the time off work & this holiday isn’t a big deal. I am gutted but also furious that he is saying he told me something that he didn’t . The holiday meant a lot to me but it obviously didn’t mean the same thing to him, am I right to be upset? And is him telling me that he told me he would be working gaslighting or am i over reacting?

OP posts:
Blarting · 01/05/2022 14:19

tomatoandherbs · 01/05/2022 11:34

I have read both of the op posts carefully

and I don’t think the DH has done anything wrong other chicken out of telling the op he never wanted to go away on holiday with her and as it got closer and closer he realised he was going to have to make up fib. So yes, he’s fibbed but I suspect the following:

The marriage is not at all a happy one
The op pushed through a holiday he was never keen on
He really did not want to go but knew the op would kick off (indeed the very very swift cancellation of the holiday was the action of someone who is probably quite… fiery) so made up the fib.

if I was the OP’s friend and sitting across from her with a coffee chatting about this, I would say… “when you think about it, actually really think about, did you even want to go away with him for 3 days or were you trying to convince yourself that this was going to somehow save your marriage?

Fib is what five years old children do!

Lie is what men do.

Stop trying to excuse his shit behaviour, if he doesn't want to go on holiday with his DW, he should stop telling lies, grow some balls and tell her.

She's then got the option to decide if she wants to leave him and spend her life with someone that wants to spend time with her.

I'd be fiery as well if I was fa ex with that type of extremely rude and nasty behaviour.

Ontobetterthings · 01/05/2022 14:21

You said he makes a lot of money and has a stressful job. This normally entails logging in on holidays in my experience. I think you have massively overreacted.

tomatoandherbs · 01/05/2022 15:25

Stop trying to excuse his shit behaviour, if he doesn't want to go on holiday with his DW, he should stop telling lies, grow some balls and tell her.

unless he’s doing what is advised time and time again on mumsnet to unhappy women.

prepare and plan. Don’t say anything until you’ve got all your ducks in a row

when my marriage was dying and I was really unhappy, I often said “yes” for an easy life and even in counselling because i didn’t have the energy for the fight / endless discussion about why, why don’t you want to go away with me, why aren’t you looking at hotels, why aren’t you excited, why aren’t you… etc etc

this just seems like a very unhappy marriage. The man agreed to it but hoped that somehow it wouldn’t happen. It became increasingly likely it was going ahead and he couldn’t face it so made up the work thing.

tomatoandherbs · 01/05/2022 15:27

And the op latched on it and within a few hours (chat at lunch and then posted 7pm on mumsnet) cancelled the trip entirely.

so i reckon she didn’t really fancy it either and was relieved but liked fact she could now blame her husband for it

BadNomad · 01/05/2022 15:36

I think the OP was just really looking forward to having child-free time away with her husband, and was then extremely disappointed and sad when she realised he had misled her and had no intentions of prioritising her or their relationship on this holiday.

tomatoandherbs · 01/05/2022 15:41

I don’t get sadness or disappointment
I get fury

forrestgreen · 01/05/2022 15:42

I think you have every right to feel hurt.
And don't forget you reacted to his lies, so if he didn't like your reaction, it wouldn't have happened without his lying.

BadNomad · 01/05/2022 16:07

tomatoandherbs · 01/05/2022 15:41

I don’t get sadness or disappointment
I get fury

Fury because he lied to her. If she'd known from the start he was going to be working, she would have managed her excitement and anticipation differently or not booked the holiday at all.

tomatoandherbs · 01/05/2022 16:10

In the final stages of a marriage
When you don’t even really like each other
quite often you do lie to each other. Why? Because you know that anything and everything likely to be an argument or tension and sometimes you just can’t be arsed with it

he knew he has to go. But wanted to ensure that he had some time away from the op. So he said work.

if the op had stopped for a minute, she’d have realised that she too would enjoy a few hours to herself each day

rookiemere · 01/05/2022 19:53

@tomatoandherbs I don't get at all that he planned to work because he didn't want to spend time with OP, I read from it that the trip was so unimportant to him that he forgot to book the annual leave.

And yes maybe if he had said initially to OP that he needed to do a couple of meetings while they were away, then she could have prepared for that and worked the day around it. Instead he lied and pretended he had told her previously he would be working, when it's pretty obvious he hadn't.

But yes the marriage is definitely not healthy- no disagreement with that.

tomatoandherbs · 01/05/2022 21:03

A trip being “so unimportant” to someone rather indicates to me they don’t want to spend time with the person they’re meant to be going on the trip with!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/05/2022 21:12

tomatoandherbs · 01/05/2022 21:03

A trip being “so unimportant” to someone rather indicates to me they don’t want to spend time with the person they’re meant to be going on the trip with!

Well exactly, which is part of why poor OP is so upset - because him making her feel the trip is unimportant also makes her feel unimportant. Especially as the trip was mutually agreed to be a good way to reconnect after some difficulties recently.

Can't you see that?

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 06:29

Yes
but it’s a marriage I reckon limping very close to the finishing line
so both I suspect deeply unhappy
and both feeling things and then doing things (the dh not wanting to go in this instance) that just bring the closing line closer.

if the op stops for a minute, I imagine she will realise the prospect of three days away with him was not actually remotely appealing

G47 · 17/10/2022 08:19

could be gaslighting.
passive, or active.

active gaslighting aims at zero.ing you psychologically, making you doubt yourself and being a complete spineless person.

passive is using some of the same tricks, but less subtly and without that intent, rather jusy to shake off responsibility, or load.

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