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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband gaslighting me about holiday?

139 replies

Ilovemybike88 · 30/04/2022 19:15

My husband and I went out for what was supposed to be a lunch date whilst our son was at a play date. Started nice enough however I casually mentioned that in 3 weeks time we have our short holiday booked & we should start to think about a few things we want to do whilst we are away. We are staying in an air bnb by the coast for 3 nights. This is our first child free holiday in about 9 years as our son is going away that same week on a school residential trip. I was so excited. This was a much needed break for the two of us to reconnect after what has been a very difficult period. Anyway when I brought it up he replied ‘I have got to work that week you know, I’ll have to take my laptop and work for a few hours each day’ When I questioned this his reply was that he had already told me this. He 100% did not tell me, I think i would have remembered. He could tell I was upset but was kept repeating that he had told me. He has not booked the time off, he has only marked it in his diary as ‘working remotely’. I am gutted, I was really really looking forward to this holiday. He has now down played the whole thing & is saying that I shouldn’t have assumed he was booking the time off work & this holiday isn’t a big deal. I am gutted but also furious that he is saying he told me something that he didn’t . The holiday meant a lot to me but it obviously didn’t mean the same thing to him, am I right to be upset? And is him telling me that he told me he would be working gaslighting or am i over reacting?

OP posts:
JeffThePilot · 30/04/2022 20:29

This isn’t gaslighting but I can understand why you’d be annoyed.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/04/2022 20:31

Surely its only gaslighting if he is doing it deliberately. If he genuinely believes he did tell her then it isn't gaslighting. There have been plenty of times when I am convinced I have told my DH something or he is convinced he has told me something but the other can't remember. And if I am honest there has been times we have probably switched off or not been listening properly to the other one and just mumbled ok or yes in what we think is an appropriate place.

Having said that I wouldn't be happy but I wouldn't be cancelling either. I would just do stuff I wanted to.

Tilltheend99 · 30/04/2022 20:46

Giraffesandbottom · 30/04/2022 19:24

Gaslighting is so overused on here it’s ridiculous.

he didn’t tell you because he didn’t want to argue about it. No, it’s not nice of him. He’s been a bit of an idiot. He’s not gaslighting you.

That is the definition of Gaslighting though isn’t it! If he wasn’t then at some point in the conversation he would have just admitted it and said “ I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to argue about it” or some such thing. A ridiculous scenario anyway as who lets someone think they are going on holiday together but can’t do anything during the day?!

Tilltheend99 · 30/04/2022 20:50

On the whole ‘is it gaslighting?’ topic, the whole scenario is bat shit. One of the aspects of gaslighting is that it makes unreasonable behaviour sound reasonable. The op is basically going on holiday by herself as her husband is working everyday but she will no doubt get to cook and clean for him in the evenings. Ops DH is trying to convince her this is normal.

Concestor · 30/04/2022 20:50

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/04/2022 20:31

Surely its only gaslighting if he is doing it deliberately. If he genuinely believes he did tell her then it isn't gaslighting. There have been plenty of times when I am convinced I have told my DH something or he is convinced he has told me something but the other can't remember. And if I am honest there has been times we have probably switched off or not been listening properly to the other one and just mumbled ok or yes in what we think is an appropriate place.

Having said that I wouldn't be happy but I wouldn't be cancelling either. I would just do stuff I wanted to.

She wants to do stuff with her partner. So she can't "do stuff she wants to do".

YANBU op.
I'd tell him that this is a deal-breaker, that the holiday is to heal your relationship, and if he can't commit to it then you'll take a friend and attend time reconsidering your options.
I actually think I'd split up with my DH if he did this with we were already rocky.

Giraffesandbottom · 30/04/2022 20:51

Gaslighting is lying about something deliberately to make someone think they are going mad,
like the film “gaslight”, where the word originated.

it’s not about that here. Maybe he thought it had told her or maybe he is trying to get out of trouble. I doubt he’s trying to deliberately fuck with her.

alltheteeshirts · 30/04/2022 20:53

If he genuinely cannot take the time off for whatever reason, can he commit to taking the time off later? I.e. can you rearrange? (Not ideal given your childcare requirements, but can he acknowledge you both need some proper time together to work on your relationship?)

If he won't accept you need to work on things... I think that would be the end for me. Crossed wires on one trip is one thing, but if he can't see how rocky things are, or care enough about them...

OfstedOffred · 30/04/2022 20:54

I was so excited.

Was he? Was he bothered about going away?

It doesnt sound like he was that fussed.

axolotlfloof · 30/04/2022 20:54

I would be happy for DH to do a few hours work if he wanted to do, while I go out and explore / do my own thing.
You don't need to spend 24/7 together to reconnect.

SoggyPaper · 30/04/2022 20:58

axolotlfloof · 30/04/2022 20:54

I would be happy for DH to do a few hours work if he wanted to do, while I go out and explore / do my own thing.
You don't need to spend 24/7 together to reconnect.

If he can’t give her 48-72 hours though, what’s the point?

i sincerely doubt his work is so vital that he couldn’t take annual leave for a short holiday he booked with his wife.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 30/04/2022 21:04

Giraffesandbottoms

I can only assume you do not know what gaslighting actually is or the origin of the word.
trying to convince OP that he had already told her is exactly what gaslighting is. She then doubts herself.
Obviously if he just hadn’t told her and admitted it, it wouldn’t be gaslighting.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 30/04/2022 21:06

Sorry cross post. I think he’s trying to undermine her so it is gaslighting - just not the long term element.

ouch321 · 30/04/2022 21:07

Assuming he works typical office hours of 9-5 or 9-6 and he has told you he'll only be working a few hours a day, that means he's going to be taking the mick with his boss/colleagues if he's planning to mark the days out on the diary as WFH as he won't be contactable or doing any work for 2/3 of the day.

Rodedooda · 30/04/2022 21:07

He knows fine well he didn't tell her, so it's totally gaslighting - trying to make her think she's forgotten 🙄

And on what planet is booking an Airbnb in a holiday destination compatible with 'working remotely' or assumed to be an ok thing to do. What a dick.

Either way one of you is not listening to the other, he either didn't get that this was important to you or you failed to realise he didn't care and wasn't interested in reconnecting. It sounds as if joint counselling may be useful.
all the best OP

DDivaStar · 30/04/2022 21:09

Did you discuss this ?

Dh I thought we could book a few days away whilst ds is away, give us some quality time together....

You can't expect him to prioritise booking time off with you if you don't tell him plans....

OfstedOffred · 30/04/2022 21:10

And on what planet is booking an Airbnb in a holiday destination compatible with 'working remotely' or assumed to be an ok thing to do.

It's considered fine to do this occasionally in both mine & DH job. It enables a family who have uneven annual leave to go away together, one partner & kids go off to beach etc for the day but other parent can be around to pitch in at meal times, there for bedtime, go out in evenings.

iolaus · 30/04/2022 21:17

What does he mean by a 'few hours each day'?- ie him logging on at 6am while I had a lie in then at 9-10 we both go and get breakfast and maybe him checking emails later while I had a shower/read a book before we went out for the evening after spending the day together - would not have an issue with - I don't view it really as different to when my husband decided to go for a run along the beach at 5am - that sort of thing is never going to appeal to me

Him being attached to the lap top 9-5 would be a very different thing

AllyCatTown · 30/04/2022 21:19

Surely if you agree to go to an Airbnb away you just assume the person isn’t going to be working there. It’s not normal to confirm that with them. And it’s obviously something you’d remember them saying. Yanbu

Booboobagins · 30/04/2022 21:34

Our kids went to camp as cubs. We were so excited about it 3 dats without them!!! We didn't book anything, It was over the weekend plus a bank holiday. We said goodbye to them jumped im the car, we to a restaurant fir lunch and found we had nothing to talk about. We both found it ridiculous and hilarious at the same time 🤣🤣🤣. We realised that kids are your life when you become a parent and if they're not there, you feel incomplete. We obvs persevered but we didn't do anything we thought we would, lol!
Lie-ins were def a big plus though 😉

Maybe it'll work out OK. He can work for a few hours whilst you go walking or whatever and then you can have a lovely lunch/picnic together and spend the late afternoon mooching around before dinner. If you want to do a day trip, he could take his laptop or catch up on work later. Talk to him about what he's thinking ref work so you can plan around it. If he doesn't want to plan, you have bigger probs than him not taking leave even though you're excited about being child free for a few days... You need to talk xxx

whynotwhatknot · 30/04/2022 21:37

So you agreed to go away and hes saying he told you straight off that hed have to work

i think youd remember something like that wouldnt you

Sswhinesthebest · 30/04/2022 21:50

That’s not on. Was he keen when you actually booked it or looking back was he reluctant?

Threeboysandadog · 30/04/2022 21:54

I don’t know about reconnecting. I think I’d be disconnecting and not just his laptop!

CantGetDecentNickname · 30/04/2022 21:58

If we're "working from home" it means being available for a full day not a few hours and yes, it can be from anywhere, but it does mean working. There's no way he told you this earlier as you would have remembered. Looks as though he's not that bothered with going away or spending time with you. Time to set things straight as to what it does actually mean. I'd go with this PP's comment:

YANBU op.
I'd tell him that this is a deal-breaker, that the holiday is to heal your relationship, and if he can't commit to it then you'll take a friend and attend time reconsidering your options.

Onwards22 · 30/04/2022 22:14

YANBU unless his work is difficult to have time off for.
Is this going to be replying to a few emails or spending hours doing zoom meetings and fully taking over the trip.

You say it was to ‘reconnect after a very difficult period’ - was this difficulty to do with the relationship?

I wonder if he’s worrying about spending too much alone time together and if it gets too intense he’s got the excuse to have some work to do.

As it’s in 3 weeks could he ask to have at least 1 full day off?

Giraffesandbottom · 30/04/2022 22:19

i think it’s lying, not gaslighting.

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