Husband gaslighting me about holiday?

[Ilovemybike88]

My husband and I went out for what was supposed to be a lunch date whilst our son was at a play date. Started nice enough however I casually mentioned that in 3 weeks time we have our short holiday booked & we should start to think about a few things we want to do whilst we are away. We are staying in an air bnb by the coast for 3 nights. This is our first child free holiday in about 9 years as our son is going away that same week on a school residential trip. I was so excited. This was a much needed break for the two of us to reconnect after what has been a very difficult period. Anyway when I brought it up he replied ‘I have got to work that week you know, I’ll have to take my laptop and work for a few hours each day’ When I questioned this his reply was that he had already told me this. He 100% did not tell me, I think i would have remembered. He could tell I was upset but was kept repeating that he had told me. He has not booked the time off, he has only marked it in his diary as ‘working remotely’. I am gutted, I was really really looking forward to this holiday. He has now down played the whole thing & is saying that I shouldn’t have assumed he was booking the time off work & this holiday isn’t a big deal. I am gutted but also furious that he is saying he told me something that he didn’t . The holiday meant a lot to me but it obviously didn’t mean the same thing to him, am I right to be upset? And is him telling me that he told me he would be working gaslighting or am i over reacting?

I completely get why you are upset and think you are completely right to be. The question is where you go from here. It doesn't sound like your DH wants to listen.

He also said I shouldn’t have assumed he was taking the time off and i was hugely over inflating the importance of this break

im sorry OP, given the context this is extremely hurtful!!!

I'm really sorry OP. I'm not at all surprised your husband has 'an important job'. That often delivers a side order of entitlement. He was totally out of order to keep you in the dark about his intentions for the holiday. It says a lot about how he considers you, that he didn't let you know in advance, and treat you like an equal person in the relationship, and that he then lied to you about it and tried to make you doubt yourself.

It's particularly worrying that you're supposed to be working on your relationship, and generally a big part of that is communication and mutual respect. He either isn't getting that or doesn't really care. As an intelligent man, I can't help but think it's the latter.

The making you doubt your memory of events, even if it's not systematic enough to be pathological, is not a healthy aspect of a relationship, especially when it has already been in trouble.

I find it interesting that this thread has mirrored OP’s experience. The thread has become an argument about the word “gaslighting” rather than her actual problem, much as the argument with her DH has now become about her reaction to his behaviour rather than his behaviour in the first place.

I’m annoyed on your behalf, OP. He’s rewriting history and belittling you. It sounds like he’s happy to say the right things beforehand, but then when it comes to actually following through he pretends he never did. I really think you need to bring this up in your next counselling session.

I would be annoyed but I know that in our household we are often so busy with work and the kids that sometimes we swear we have told the other something and it turns out we haven't, or they were just thinking about something else and didn't take it in. DH a d I have argued in the past because we've had a discussion about, eg dates for visiting friends then one of us has confirmed it but not mentioned to the other that it is confirmed. We now have a calendar up that we write dates on so everyone can see when something is planned, or send a calendar link if it's far in advance. It also sounds like you felt this was a lovely break to reconnect and he didn't have the same idea about it.

From your update it seems like this has now turned into an argument about bigger things though. Feeling you had to cancel the holiday is going to create resentment so you probably need to have a "clear the air" discussion and set out some future ground rules. Eg any holidays you book are always holidays not remote working and you need to have a plan about communicating dates to each other.

I don't blame you for cancelling the holiday op, it would be my instinct to do the same. Maybe take the time anyway to have some time alone and assess where you are, and what you want from the future.

He knows he's screwed up, and hes using your reaction to deflect from his own poor behaviour in not booking the time off, not telling you that, and then trying to make out that he had told you. On top of that he massively deprioritised a holiday that you felt was important to both of you, which means even with the counselling, he is not on the same page as you about what is important at the moment. Not sure what you do about that, maybe something to bring up in counselling?

This is crap, YANBU, at all. And good for you for cancelling it.

I think pp are being a bit insensitive to the DH here to be honest. I am in a very stressful job and it's just not easy to go off grid. My compromise would always be along the lines of doing a few hours each day. My DS and DH understand that. My DH is also in a stressful job and needs to do the same. This isn't about being selfish or not wanting family time is the reality of being in a difficult job.

A problem with threads like this is that strangers on the internet can't possibly know what he did (not) tell you about working on holiday. So, you get replies like He knows fine well he didn't tell her, so it's totally gaslighting - trying to make her think she's forgotten which may be totally off the mark

Anyway, it sounds like there's a lot going on and I hope things improve for you

I don't know if cancelling the holiday was an over reaction, or a good way to demonstrate how strongly you feel about this. Personally, I'm not sure I would take it on myself to cancel a trip. I'd think that should be a joint decision

If he's now saying he only has to make one call, could you still go away?

I'm glad you cancelled Op, it's very telling that despite being in counselling he still can't seem to put you first for once.
Make sure you enjoy your childfree days, I'd be doing all the things I wanted to do and not worrying about him

I actually think you are slightly over reacting, especially by cancelling the holiday which you could have gone to by yourself or even if he was doing some work you would have still both had some alone time together.

However your reaction comes from obviously the fact that if he was just honest and said I’ve not managed to get the time off so I’ll have to work a bit, instead of acting like you’re in the wrong for not remembering.
But also the fact the relationship hasn’t been working and you thought this was a chance to get it back on track.

He’s lied.
Yes it’s only a small lie but considering the relationship hasn’t been working anyway I think it’s time you decide whether you want to waste anymore time and effort in trying to make things work when it sounds like they’ve come to the end.

I think it was a massive over reaction to cancel the holiday. It suggests to me that there are many deep problems in the marriage. Neither myself or my husband can go completely off grid with the jobs we have. Many people can’t. As I said previously, a few hours relaxing time to yourself every day would have been lovely imo. If I was you, I’d see if you can rebook it or book something else. This has potential to create a lot of resentment on both sides. I know you’re feeling hurt but try to see the wood from the trees. Best of luck OP

This is either lying or a misunderstanding. Calling it gaslighting is unreasonable.

I suspect the prospect of a long weekend with you was not as appealing to him as you’d have hoped.
so he was setting expectations to ensure that he had time to himself
and now he has got precisely what he wanted… the holiday cancelled in it’s entirety

not a happy marriage. Not a happy marriage at all

Sounds like he's definitely playing games.
Making you out to be the problem because you shouldn't have assumed he wasn't working. Now it's gone from.a few hours to 1 phone call. How can he have told u when he doesn't appear to even know him self 🤔

I wouldn't have cancelled though I'd have seen if a friend was free. Then planned ny divorce while I was away.

Everybody knows what a holiday is.

Pretending not to understand what a word means, just because you sometimes have to make exceptions, with the permission and understanding of the people you're with, doesn't change the definition of a word.

I hope you're able make use of your rare free days though. Can you book something for yourself, or with friends?

This.

He has now established himself as a liar.
A liar that will hunker down on the lie.

OP, I am very sorry but this is not a relationship to be depending on.

Take steps to ensure you are financially protected, have access and copies of all payslips, pensions etc.

Whatever he is telling you, his actions say otherwise.

He is not trustworthy.

Hope for the best if you wish, but be prepared for the worst, that is that your marriage may not last.

I'm so sorry.

Oh so it’s just one call? You saw his diary - working remotely, he can’t lie about that. Now you know he can get by with his job doing practically nothing it sounds like he can take over all day time appts etc for your son. Easy peasy. Or he could just be an adult and apologise, I don’t blame you for cancelling.

But surely that wold have been discussed when booking the holiday?

Also I think a few hours each day is too much but that's by the by in this instance. The DH lied.

I have read both of the op posts carefully

and I don’t think the DH has done anything wrong other chicken out of telling the op he never wanted to go away on holiday with her and as it got closer and closer he realised he was going to have to make up fib. So yes, he’s fibbed but I suspect the following:

The marriage is not at all a happy one
The op pushed through a holiday he was never keen on
He really did not want to go but knew the op would kick off (indeed the very very swift cancellation of the holiday was the action of someone who is probably quite… fiery) so made up the fib.

if I was the OP’s friend and sitting across from her with a coffee chatting about this, I would say… “when you think about it, actually really think about, did you even want to go away with him for 3 days or were you trying to convince yourself that this was going to somehow save your marriage?

It’s only gas lighting if he knows he didn’t tell you and is now trying to convince you he did tell you (whilst knowing himself that he didn’t).

Maybe he genuinely thinks he told you but forgot?

Or he mentioned it when you were distracted or not listening?

Then it’s his fault for misleading her. OP said, “We have been going to counselling and we were talking about steps we were taking to increase connection and intimacy and he even brought up this break as an example of the steps we are taking. So he knew the importance of this break.”

But that's not the same as OPs situation?