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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going travelling - missing him

141 replies

ellsy99 · 29/04/2022 13:43

My boyfriend is going travelling with a friend for 3 weeks soon. I’m quite anxiously attached and am so excited for him but I’m also going to miss him so so much. We’ve never gone this long apart.

Whenever he brings this trip up I always say “aww I’m going to miss you” and he says the same back. But I felt a bit like he never says it himself so I asked if he was sad about not seeing me for 3 weeks.

He said “of course I will? I just don’t think about it every single time it’s brought up”. This hurt because I definitely do. “In this scenario I just haven’t thought about it as much as you” :/
He then said surely this is ok as “were two separate people and you can’t expect me to think everything you’re thinking. Doesn’t mean I’ll miss you any less, it comes down to trust”

AIBU to think that surely we should think about how much we will miss each other the same amount? Is he not that into me?

OP posts:
SillySallySassySausage · 29/04/2022 16:19

It's not traveling when it's three weeks … it's a holiday!
Crikey, I thought by the tone of the first few sentences that he'd be going away for good. In the nicest possible way, get a grip on yourself before your neediness drives him away.

Clymene · 29/04/2022 16:19

3 weeks? Good grief

gingerhills · 29/04/2022 16:19

YABmassivelyU. It's 3 weeks not 3 years. You need to develop a life of your own that is rich and full enough to keep you busy and happy. Use those three weeks to set up some things in your life that are deeply fulfilling and not dependent on him being around. Your reaction is pretty unhealthy imo, and could put him off. It would put me off. Way too needy and clingy.

VimFuego101 · 29/04/2022 16:22

Travelling 😂

Let him look forward to his trip and stop guilt tripping him.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 29/04/2022 16:24

It's really hard to cope with someone who sucks the joy out of things. I know anxiety makes you focus on all the things that could go wrong but you need to keep it to yourself or do something other than making him responsible for managing your anxiety.

VioletCharlotte · 29/04/2022 16:26

I was going to say YABU but then I saw you're only 22. I was like you at that age, everything's very dramatic!

But you need to calm down and stop worrying about it. He's obviously excited about his holiday. I'm sure he'll miss you a bit, but honestly, he'll be too busy enjoying himself which is how it should be!

I would plan lots of things to keep yourself busy and occupied so you're not worrying about what he's doing and why he's not text you. Being needy is the quickest way to push him away.

Honestly, when you're in your 40s and your partner tells you he's going away for 3 weeks, you'll be dancing with joy 🤣

LadyJGrey · 29/04/2022 16:29

nearlyspringyay · 29/04/2022 14:00

It's 3 weeks, he's not travelling, he's going on holiday.

This is exactly what I was going to write.

Op, use the 3 weeks he’s away to develop some independence. Go out with friends, go to exhibitions, museums, gigs. Have something to share with him when he gets back.

Don’t spend the time he’s away mooning and moping about. That’s not a good look.

And stop with the ‘l’ll miss you soooo much”. Seriously, 3 weeks is not that long.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 29/04/2022 16:34

Stop pissing on his chips and get a life of your own.

ilovesooty · 29/04/2022 16:39

Hopefully you have friends and independent hobbies to occupy yourself while he's away.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 29/04/2022 16:40

It's normal to miss him but a bit obsessive to bring it up everytime you see him.
I remember feeling this when I was in a LDR, was counting down the days to our next visit.
You need to occupy yourself, my Dh recently went away on a week long course leaving me all by myself. I had a great time, treated it as a spa week and binged on all the stuff he hates 😂 all my favourite TV shows, movies etc it was a blast.

Onwards22 · 29/04/2022 17:03

I was going to say YABU but then I saw you're only 22. I was like you at that age, everything's very dramatic!

I’ve never been like this.
I don’t think I was like this even before the age of 16.

There’s being dramatic and then there’s being manipulative and borderline controlling.

He’s going on holiday for a couple of weeks. OP needs to keep her jealousy to herself.

User354354 · 29/04/2022 17:07

You are being ridiculous. He is going on a long holiday, not travelling.

Divebar2021 · 29/04/2022 17:08

When did anxiety become so prevalent ?

theleafandnotthetree · 29/04/2022 17:14

Onwards22 · 29/04/2022 17:03

I was going to say YABU but then I saw you're only 22. I was like you at that age, everything's very dramatic!

I’ve never been like this.
I don’t think I was like this even before the age of 16.

There’s being dramatic and then there’s being manipulative and borderline controlling.

He’s going on holiday for a couple of weeks. OP needs to keep her jealousy to herself.

Agreed, a huge chunk of my relationship with my boyfriend in my early 20s was spent with periods of up 3 months apart, he was doing his postgrad in another country. We had a great time together, a great time apart and all the angsting in the world wouldn't have made him love me more, miss me more, etc if he didn't feel those things himself. Because I loved him, I was happy for him to make the most of the amazing opportunities he had in one of the world's great universities.

DashboardConfessional · 29/04/2022 17:18

Stop saying it. It's the exact same (transparent) manipulative fishing for a response as saying "I'm so fat" with an expectant look.

I lived abroad for a year when my boyfriend and I were 21 and we are now married. I'm sure you'll manage.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2022 17:20

"AIBU to think that surely we should think about how much we will miss each other the same amount?"
YABU. You're thinking about missing him, obviously he is thinking about his trip. As he should be.

"Is he not that into me?"
He won't be if you keep on being a clingy wet lettuce.

Pegasussnail · 29/04/2022 17:23

You need to read the book 'The Rules'. Its a rubbish book in some ways but it taught me a lot about not being needy and how unattractive it makes you.

Your boyfriend may or may not be that into you. But he won't be as attracted if you are whining and moaning.

Stravaig · 29/04/2022 17:29

but I’m also going to miss him so so much.

Actually you have no idea how you are going to feel while he's away. It hasn't happened yet. Can you predict the future? You may feel all kind of different things. Why not wait and see?

He is humouring you by reciprocating - he can't predict his feelings either.

Try living in the present, OP.

AskingforaBaskin · 29/04/2022 17:38

This is the behaviour that leads to someone getting dumped
Stop it

SlashBeef · 29/04/2022 17:43

3 weeks?! 😆behave! I know you're only 22 but come on.

Pixiedust1234 · 29/04/2022 17:52

I agree with everyone else. YABVU

NoviceNetwork · 29/04/2022 18:41

You are 22! Twenty bloody two (can you tell I'm jealous?)

You should be out with friends, getting your career off the ground and building the foundations of your life for decades to come.

Not mooning over some boy you have been with for less time than my mustard has been in my fridge (I'm terrible at throwing things out Grin).

Honestly, at your age he probably isn't the one. And the level of dependence you are displaying here is really unhealthy. You shouldn't 'need' him to fill your day.

I really hope this thread spurs you to go out there and grab your independence/life!

veronicagoldberg · 29/04/2022 18:49

Get a hold of yourself, woman!

esssabelle95 · 03/05/2022 08:48

I kinda get it, for someone with attachment issues or fear of abandonment it will be a hard 2 weeks for you. I sympathise.

However DO NOT I repeat DO NOT put this on your boyfriend!!!! Don’t mention it and heal/deal with the hardship you face yourself. It’s your problem and definitely not his. He will only be turned off.

3 weeks will fly by x

RestingPandaFace · 03/05/2022 08:53

In the nicest possible way, you need to get a grip. He was a going travelling for 3 weeks not months or years but weeks.

Of course he isn’t going to miss you as much because he’s off doing exciting things and making plans whilst you are sat around obsessing about him being away.

You need to find something to do with yourself and make some plans, and stop putting a dampener on his trip!