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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going travelling - missing him

141 replies

ellsy99 · 29/04/2022 13:43

My boyfriend is going travelling with a friend for 3 weeks soon. I’m quite anxiously attached and am so excited for him but I’m also going to miss him so so much. We’ve never gone this long apart.

Whenever he brings this trip up I always say “aww I’m going to miss you” and he says the same back. But I felt a bit like he never says it himself so I asked if he was sad about not seeing me for 3 weeks.

He said “of course I will? I just don’t think about it every single time it’s brought up”. This hurt because I definitely do. “In this scenario I just haven’t thought about it as much as you” :/
He then said surely this is ok as “were two separate people and you can’t expect me to think everything you’re thinking. Doesn’t mean I’ll miss you any less, it comes down to trust”

AIBU to think that surely we should think about how much we will miss each other the same amount? Is he not that into me?

OP posts:
GirlSYML · 29/04/2022 14:09

This is hilarious.your boyfriend of one year is going on holidays. And you’re obsessed with him missing you. When I was with DH for a year we hadn’t been on holidays together, we both already had plans with friends. We didn’t miss each other at all. We kept in touch via text so we knew what the other was broadly up to and then let up to chat all about our holidays when we got home. Your response is not normal.

Tittyfilarious81 · 29/04/2022 14:10

You are only upsetting yourself unnecessarily with this , he's going to be busy enjoying his holiday so he wont be thinking about you every second he's away but that doesn't mean he's not as into you as you are him .

BlimBosh · 29/04/2022 14:11

I don't miss my DP when I go away (a lot) doesn't mean I don't love him.

RowanAlong · 29/04/2022 14:11

Wow, you do sound very anxiously clingy. It’s not attractive. Get some more things going on in your life in case he dumps you for being so wet. That sounds harsh, but it’s true, and you’re young, so hopefully you can learn to be less needy in time to have a great, balanced relationship in a couple of years.

Notaneffingcockerspaniel · 29/04/2022 14:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Snowflakes1122 · 29/04/2022 14:12

Keep yourself busy. Don’t make a guy the centre of your universe at 22.

maybe you should book a holiday with some friends too?

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 29/04/2022 14:12

In the nicest way, he’s not thinking about missing you.

He’s probably too excited for his trip to be thinking about that.

Thats normal, it’s heathy and it’s fine. It says nothing about you or about how he feels about you.

He’s going on a three week holiday, he’s not going off to war.

As the mother of a 20 year old ds who talks to me about his relationships, believe me, if you push this, you will push him away.

Pigeoning · 29/04/2022 14:13

Sorry op, but YABU.

He's obviously going to be excited about his trip, and you're putting a dampener on it by silly needy bickering about him not hypothetically missing you enough on a trip that hasn't even started yet.

Stop going on about it. Of course you'll miss him, that's fine. But let him enjoy his trip, he doesn't have to miss you as much as you miss him. It's only 3 weeks, he's not going off to war.

Sunshineandflipflops · 29/04/2022 14:13

Speaking from experience, it can be quite annoying when your partner keeps telling you how much they miss you (over a short period of time).

I don't live with my dp but we see each other most days. He Will often tell me that he misses me and I just don't feel the same. I love him but I don't ever go long enough not seeing him to not miss him. I don't want to upset him though so I sometimes say it back, which doesn't feel right.

If he went away for 3 weeks, I might miss him a bit but my life doesn't stop when he isn't around. I might tell him once that i'll miss him but saying it every time your bf mentions the trip just makes him feel bad for going and not want to talk to you about it. Be happy for him and show it and tell him you can't wait to hear all about it, otherwise the 3 weeks away from you might allow him opportunity to rethink the relationship.

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 29/04/2022 14:14

Snowflakes1122 · 29/04/2022 14:12

Keep yourself busy. Don’t make a guy the centre of your universe at 22.

maybe you should book a holiday with some friends too?

This!

Please don’t make someone the centre of your life like this.

Justcallmebebes · 29/04/2022 14:16

He's not exactly off travelling though is he? He's going on holiday for 3 weeks! Big difference and you're being needy which is v v unattractive.

Wave him off with a cheerful smile and look forward to seeing him when he returns, but keep yourself busy in the meantime

Fupoffyagrasshole · 29/04/2022 14:17

3 weeks is NOTHING! jeez

I went abroad with my daughter for 6 weeks recently without my husband - yes i missed him but it's fine

I left him before for 4 months years ago to go travelling too!

I didn't bring it up barely ever before I went away

You sound very needy and it is probably just going to push him away tbh - what are you going to do when he is gone? will you be phoning him a lot - how much contact do you expect??

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 29/04/2022 14:19

ellsy99 · 29/04/2022 13:51

i am 22. Surely it’s a bad thing if he says he doesn’t think about it though ?

You're in different places... He's excited for a trip... And You're sitting at home pining...😁

It's 3 weeks... Not 3 months or 3 years... 😁😁.

Many folk have been in loong distance relationships.... Missing each other different amounts... Means just that...

I do wonder... Do you operate lives separately...?? I've been with my partner 20 plus years... He's often overseas for weeks working and also seeing family.... But we talk and write most days... If only for 15 mins... And it gives us more to talk about if we have interesting separate lives... And more fun when we reunite!

In a bigger note, I do wonder if you've got fundamentally different attachment styles?

I

Lady1576 · 29/04/2022 14:22

YABU it’s 3 weeks. I wouldn’t honestly miss anyone except my children for 3 weeks. Maybe he’s not really going to miss you, because he’ll be enjoying himself doing something fun and knows that (all being well) he’ll see you again in 3 weeks. It doesn’t mean anything to do with how much he cares about you. Tbh the only thing it suggests to me is that 1) he is normal 2) you are over-romantisizing/play-acting 3) you are a bit needy. I think I’m being harsh here - people are just different but to me he is more reasonable than you in this scenario!

TedMullins · 29/04/2022 14:25

You need to get a grip and develop some interests and pursuits in your life that don't involve him. Someone constantly simpering on about how much they'd miss me would really put me off and I'd be questioning whether the relationship had a future if they needed that much reassurance. His attitude is normal and healthy.

Katesboy8 · 29/04/2022 14:27

ellsy99 · 29/04/2022 13:51

i am 22. Surely it’s a bad thing if he says he doesn’t think about it though ?

I expect he will miss you but he's excited about going travelling! You're very young and trust me, it isn't good to be so obsessed with someone at a young age as it doesn't get easier. I was the same, made no life for myself, spent all my time with/thinking about this person. Do things for yourself, get hobbies, see friends and don't keep telling him how much you'll miss him as he will find it suffocating! The more you can do this now, the easier you'll find it and have a happier future together. Also he will look forward to coming back to you!

Westfacing · 29/04/2022 14:29

Going away for three weeks is a holiday - he is not 'travelling'. I thought you were going to say he's off for a year!

CrystalCoco · 29/04/2022 14:30

I think it's sweet that you're in a relationship with someone that you'll miss for 3 weeks, if my DH went away I'd be over the moon for the peace and quiet!

You're not coming at the 3 weeks from the same angle, he's off on an adventure, will be doing new things and (hopefully) having a fab time, whilst you'll be at home doing 'normal life / day to day things' (I'm assuming) so of course you'll feel differently from each other.

Try to plan some fun things for yourself whilst he's away and he'll be back before you know it!

housemaus · 29/04/2022 14:30

You're right, you're very anxiously attached.

And you're expecting too much of him: he wants to be excited about his trip, and you're pushing him not to be to soothe your own anxieties - you want him to show how sad he'll be and to be thinking constantly about it as reassurance for you, but that's not a healthy, secure way to be.

You need to recognise your own way of thinking is less healthy, not be asking him to be the same.

I get it, it's tricky when your default is to look for closeness and 'proof' of security - but he has given you that, he's said he'll miss you too. Setting an ever-higher bar - you're not sad enough, you didn't mention it first, etc - is emotionally manipulative and, as you've seen, is going to push him away, NOT make it closer.

It's not a bad thing that he isn't thinking about it - it's a good thing. Securely attached people can go on holiday and look forward to it without being sad about missing someone every time they think about it. That's the place you want to get to, not getting him to come to the space you're in where you can't look forward to a normal thing like a holiday without needing reassurance.

qpmz · 29/04/2022 14:30

Plan loads of fun things with friends and family. Join a new social group. Go running. Go away somewhere new for a few nights. You'll hardly miss him either. When he comes back you'll have lots to talk about and you'll be much less dependent on him for your happiness and self worth.

Midlifemusings · 29/04/2022 14:31

You should be excited for him rather than turning every conversation about it in to your feelings. It sounds like you want him to feel guilty about going and that he is in the wrong for making you sad and you need to bring this up every single time the trip gets mentioned. Just stop that!

Be happy for him and go and live your own life wth your own friends and hobbies and interests so you aren't so dependent on his constant presence to feel okay.

Of course you will miss him and he will miss you but that should be in healthy and proportional amounts to the trip. RIght now he is porbably looking forward to a bit of space from you and that isn't a bad thing.

Onwards22 · 29/04/2022 14:32

Just stop.

He’s looking forward to travelling and you are trying to make it all about you and make him feel guilty about going.
You sound like you only care about your feelings and not his.

This is going to end with him finishing things with you because you’re so clingy and that can turn controlling.

Live your life, let him live his and you’ll have a much better relationship because of it.

Whenever he mentions the travelling don’t bring up any negative feelings. Tell him how excited you are for him and how fun it’s going to be.

MangshorJhol · 29/04/2022 14:32

It’s 3 weeks. DH and I did 2.5 years apart and saw each other for 2 months in those 2 years. I missed him but I also had fun. (I was on PhD fieldwork and so was he…). We kept in touch when we could (he was in a not very well connected place). And we were 25/26. I think if you are overthinking a 3 week trip then you need much much more help with your attachment towards him. I would find it a little off putting if DH did this in my 20s. We are now in our 40s and still go away for work and the other one carries one (and we have kids to boot). I’m not convinced being this emotionally dependent on another person and every word he utters is that healthy.

Testina · 29/04/2022 14:43

He’s not “going travelling”.
It’s 3 weeks.
That’s a holiday.
If he calls that “travelling” then dump him for being a pretentious wanker.

It simply isn’t OK to latch on to the term “insecure attachment” then do nothing about it. Otherwise, it’s just psychobabble. Work on yourself. It’s 3 weeks. Nothing. I’d barely register my husband was gone in that time. Not idle posturing - he takes a month off to ski every year.

Even when we do miss each other (which takes the form of “oh - shame you’re not here to see/hear this” not weeping wailing about missing each other) we don’t feel the need to push each other into “miss you too” nonsense.

Seriously - let him breathe, and spend the time working on yourself.

KatherineJaneway · 29/04/2022 14:45

Look at it this way, he is going on a long holiday, not 'travelling'.

If you keep bringing this up, it will dampen the excitement of the holiday for him. AS PP have said, he should not be the centre of your life and happiness this much at 22. Plan plenty of things with your friends and family while he is away. The time will then fly!