Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going travelling - missing him

141 replies

ellsy99 · 29/04/2022 13:43

My boyfriend is going travelling with a friend for 3 weeks soon. I’m quite anxiously attached and am so excited for him but I’m also going to miss him so so much. We’ve never gone this long apart.

Whenever he brings this trip up I always say “aww I’m going to miss you” and he says the same back. But I felt a bit like he never says it himself so I asked if he was sad about not seeing me for 3 weeks.

He said “of course I will? I just don’t think about it every single time it’s brought up”. This hurt because I definitely do. “In this scenario I just haven’t thought about it as much as you” :/
He then said surely this is ok as “were two separate people and you can’t expect me to think everything you’re thinking. Doesn’t mean I’ll miss you any less, it comes down to trust”

AIBU to think that surely we should think about how much we will miss each other the same amount? Is he not that into me?

OP posts:
AChocolateOrangeaday · 29/04/2022 13:56

Your neediness would do my head in.

keep it up and he will ditch you before the trip. Imagine what you will be like whilst he is away if you are being like this now.

Cas112 · 29/04/2022 13:57

Maybe you should go travelling yourself and learn some independence

RealBecca · 29/04/2022 13:57

I'd be really pissed off at you if you brought this up every time I mentioned the holiday. If he hasn't gotten fed up of it then he has the patience of a saint.

impossible · 29/04/2022 13:58

Three weeks is no time. It's a holiday. Let him enjoy it without feeling he needs to keep reassuring you that you will be in his thoughts. Ideally you won't be in his thoughts very much because he'll be enjoying his new experiences.

Perhaps you should do more things for yourself so you become less needy. If you're not careful you'll put such pressure on him you'll drive him away.

JassyRadlett · 29/04/2022 13:58

ellsy99 · 29/04/2022 13:51

i am 22. Surely it’s a bad thing if he says he doesn’t think about it though ?

It really isn't. He's going on a holiday, he's excited about it! He's looking forward to it! You obviously don't have the same feeling about it as you've not got the positives to look forward to you. But this is a positive for him, and you risk turning it into a negative. A few observations:

  1. of course he won't miss you the same amount! He'll be totally out of the everyday, experiencing and doing and seeing new places and things. You'll be in your usual routine, so of course you'll feel his absence more from that routine.
  2. He's going on holiday! He's excited about the things he'll be doing, not focused on the things he won't be doing from his usual life. Of course he'll miss you, but if his first thought about the holiday every time he thinks about it is 'gosh I'll miss ellsy99', he wouldn't be going on holiday in the first place, he'd be staying home because he frankly wouldn't be all that interested in going away.
  3. (because I can't help myself) He's going away for three weeks. That's not travelling. It's a very slightly long holiday.
You'll be fine. But try to be enthusiastic for his experience and excitement, not sad about what you won't have for a few weeks. Being a thief of joy is selfish, a sure way to ruin a relationship.
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 29/04/2022 13:59

ellsy99 · 29/04/2022 13:51

i am 22. Surely it’s a bad thing if he says he doesn’t think about it though ?

He's excited about his holiday ffs. Don't you have friends you can do stuff with while he's away to distract you from the "trauma" of missing him?

You are being rather dramatic. My neighbours 18 year old is in the army and his girlfriend doesn't whine about it like this

theleafandnotthetree · 29/04/2022 13:59

If you want to lose him, you are going the right way about it. I feel suffocated just reading the description of your conversation. A three week holiday apart is literally nothing, it's embarrassing that you are making such a fuss and turning it into some big turning point in 'measuring' your feelings for each other.

nearlyspringyay · 29/04/2022 14:00

It's 3 weeks, he's not travelling, he's going on holiday.

ReadyToMoveIt · 29/04/2022 14:00

3 weeks isn’t really ‘travelling’, it’s a holiday. And while I’m sure he’ll miss you, he’s also (hopefully) going to be having a brilliant time. He’s excited, of course he isn’t going to be thinking about how much he’ll miss you every time he thinks about his upcoming trip!

ReadyToMoveIt · 29/04/2022 14:00

X post re the holiday 😂

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 29/04/2022 14:00

Oh my word. It's only 3 bloody weeks. Get a grip.

Why don't you fill your time doing stuff you enjoy instead of pining, listening to 🎼'All by myself',🎼 on repeat.

Greenflamingo84 · 29/04/2022 14:01

Don’t be too needy, you might push him away. Be cool and happy for him and enjoy seeing him when he gets back. Treat yourself to nice things and experiences while he’s away. it will make it better for both of you. I get it. I was needy once but it’s really not a good place to be

nearlyspringyay · 29/04/2022 14:01

DH is going away for the long weekend, I can't bloody wait!

EmbroidedFlowers · 29/04/2022 14:01

Just because he has said that doesn't mean anything bad. He's likely to be thinking about and planning his trip, it doesn't mean he loves you any less or won't miss you. 3 weeks really isn't long. Try to plan some nice things to do while he's away that you can look forward to. 😊
(Sometimes a little distance can be a good thing and bring you closer.)

Crunchymum · 29/04/2022 14:02

Are you the poster who recently went on holiday with her boyfriend and got pissed off he wouldn't sit with you on the plane?

bigbluebus · 29/04/2022 14:03

Saying it once when he said he was going and again the last time you see him before he goes is enough. Not necessary to bring it up all the time. Grow up and become an independent person in your own right before he decides to find someone less clingy.

Silversprinkles · 29/04/2022 14:04

What everyone else has said: it's not "travelling" it's only 3 weeks, calm down, you're far too anxious and needy and you should give him space to enjoy his trip and for you to get on with your own stuff.

Stop comparing the intensity of your feelings - that way madness lies. He's his own person, not a duplicate of your neediness.

DressingGownofDoom · 29/04/2022 14:05

Of course he's not sitting around thinking about how much he's going to miss you. He'll be away having loads of fun, he probably won't miss you much at all tbh. I suggest you go and have some fun of your own!

ReadyToMoveIt · 29/04/2022 14:06

There isn’t really any need to say ‘I’ll miss you’ more than once is there? He won’t forget you’ve said it.

knittingaddict · 29/04/2022 14:07

I thought you were going to say months, not a mere 3 weeks.

He probably doesn't say it first because he's understandably excited about going travelling for 3 weeks with a friend. Lucky him.

grapewines · 29/04/2022 14:07

Three weeks is a holiday. He's going on holiday not to live in a kibbutz for a year.

You're being so unreasonable. Use the time to work on some independence from him, or you could risk him feeling suffocated.

Squillerman · 29/04/2022 14:08

I mean, he isn’t going travelling is he? When you say travelling that alludes to him backpacking around the world for a year or so. He’s going on holiday for 3 weeks with his friend. It’s 3 weeks, you will be fine.

Dahlietta · 29/04/2022 14:09

The thing is though, OP, he probably won't miss you! Not because he doesn't love you, but because he'll be busy doing interesting things. You will miss him more because you will be living your normal life and his absence will be more noticeable.

And yes, obviously, it's 3 weeks...

10HailMarys · 29/04/2022 14:09

You're being utterly ridiculous. I couldn't deal with that kind of neediness in a partner.

Firstly, he's only going away for three weeks. That's nothing. You managed the first 21 years of your life without him joined to you at the hip and the sky didn't fall in, so you can manage three weeks.

Secondly, there is nothing more irritating and off-putting than someone constantly asking for endless reassurance and approval. My DP and I tell each other we love each other etc and if one of us goes away we'll usually say 'Aw, missed you' or something when we get back. But if he was constantly asking if I was missing him, or was going to miss him, or had missed him, it would drive me insane. It's really needy and clingy.

Thirdly, he's going on a holiday. He's supposed to enjoy it. Why on earth do you want him to be moping and miserable about it? He's excited about his trip; no need to rain on his parade.

Fourthly, is not 'a bad thing if he doesn't think about it'. It's a normal thing. He's going away, he'll be fine, he'll have a great time and he'll be pleased to see you when he gets back. Just because you're a couple doesn't mean you have to be unhappy when the other one isn't there. Your neediness is really unhealthy and he is a normal well-adjusted person.

backtobusy · 29/04/2022 14:09

He is as everyone says just going on holiday.
He is understandably looking forward to the trip.

Do you have things in the future that you are looking forward to? You need to work on your life and getting good things into it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread