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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to a “conference “ for two days and leave DH to look after DD?

121 replies

Motherhoodpenalty · 29/04/2022 01:00

So, some of you might have seen another post I made early about decamping to my parents after the birth of my DS.

We have a two year old DD for which I am the primary carer. I am also the primary earner.

DH recently went off to a work conference and left me to look after DD, the dog and I'm also 39 weeks pregnant.

DS has a bad cough, the doctors advice was a steam machine with vicks drops, and calpol, and neurofen to help with discomfort. Problem is the steamer leaves condensation on the walls which if left unwiped, could cause mould. Note in the day I open up the room and wipe down the condensation.

He noticed it once morning and said that it's unacceptable and the room "was a tip" (the room isn't messy btw" and I should not use the steamer and "take her to the doctor" even though I did and that was the doctor's advice.

If you haven't read the other thread, this guy hasn't ever made DD dinner, given her a bath, woken at night to settle her, does one or two nursery pick ups a week. I do everything, and work, and earn more.

I am so angry to point where I quite fancy going to a conference myself for two nights just like he did. So he can get a bit of a crash course in primary parenthood.

Literally about to book myself into a nice little hotel and tell him that I'm off to a conference where I'm delivering the key note address on the "the invisible aspects of parenthood"

AIBU?

OP posts:
TotallyFloored · 29/04/2022 01:02

YABU for staying with this guy - what exactly does he bring to your life that’s positive ?

Notimeforaname · 29/04/2022 01:04

Do it. So it now. The child has two parents, you are supposed to be equal. If you need the time off,take it.

But honestly it sounds like he is not the man for you. Maybe use some of your time away to reevaluate whether you want to stay with this person .

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2022 01:05

You are completely unreasonable choosing to remain married to this absolute waste of space. Why you chose to have a second child with his is beyond me, but what's done is done. This marriage is already over, so stop wasting time and delaying the inevitable. LTB. You don't need him, and he's nothing but a liability and burden.

Notimeforaname · 29/04/2022 01:06

If it will actually benefit you, go. But if it's just to point score, with no intentions of trying to work it out, you'll have a long miserable life with him. So will your children

Original poster
Motherhoodpenalty · 29/04/2022 01:11

TBH right now its about evening the score, even though evening the score would take around two years given thats how long he’s been a extremely partial parent.

Long term I haven’t got a formed plan, too emotional and literally about to birth a baby.

Right now I just want to get out of here for a quick conference.

OP posts:
Incapacitated · 29/04/2022 01:12

Yes, but not when she's ill.

Original poster
Motherhoodpenalty · 29/04/2022 01:13

@Incapacitated her cough is better now, thanks to the doctors advice and me sticking to it. So DH can take over from here.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2022 01:14

Do you really want to leave your small, I'll child alone with this idiot? I understand you want payback, but not at her expense, surely.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2022 01:15

*ill child

BritWifeInUSA · 29/04/2022 01:23

Since you make the most money and do all the childcare what do you need from him? Move on. You’re obviously going to be better off by yourself with the children.

But don’t score points against each other over the children. As they grow up they will sense that. At this rate they are going to grow up believing they are a chore or an inconvenience. They shouldn’t feel that way.

Original poster
Motherhoodpenalty · 29/04/2022 01:25

@Aquamarine1029 not at the expense of, he’s quite smart, and I’m sure if given the chance he would be able to learn very quickly how to look after a child. My concern is, if I don’t do something extreme, it’ll just fall to me again and again and he won’t learn, because I’ll be here as the fall back.

plus, she’s well enough to go to nursery now, cough is cleared.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 29/04/2022 01:29

TBH right now its about evening the score, even though evening the score would take around two years given thats how long he’s been a extremely partial parent

So why stay and why have more children with him?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2022 01:29

My concern is, if I don’t do something extreme, it’ll just fall to me again and again and he won’t learn, because I’ll be here as the fall back.

Oh dear. This is when you really need to give your head a shake. If things are this bad, you should already know there is no hope for this marriage. He's a grown man, he shouldn't need extreme measures to "learn" something. This is who he is. What you see is what you're stuck with. Nothing about this is healthy or normal.

Notimeforaname · 29/04/2022 01:29

Book the hotel then. Have your few nights. Go from there. Nothing wrong with leaving children with their other parent.

lborgia · 29/04/2022 01:38

Well now you have a socially acceptable* number of children expected, I’d spend the night at a hotel, searching divorce lawyers and live-in nannies/au pairs.

I am gritting my teeth not to ask the same facetious question about why you’re still with him, let alone having another child. I understand, sometimes you work on two separate levels, one where you just keep going as this is your life now, and the other where you wonder what the crap just happened.

But honestly, take it from someone who now has teenagers, and should’ve made the break years ago (and my dh isn’t even a git), it’s now or never.

A resentful weekend to yourself once a year won’t save you.

*socially acceptable is tongue in cheek, obviously.

Jumpking · 29/04/2022 01:41

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2022 01:14

Do you really want to leave your small, I'll child alone with this idiot? I understand you want payback, but not at her expense, surely.

This. 100%

I totally get you're hacked off OP, but it sounds like your child might not be safe with him.

JockTamsonsBairns · 29/04/2022 01:41

Just on the basis of your thread title, I was going to answer very differently.
When I had a 3yo and a 1yo, SAHM through the day and working evenings, I had to have some radioactive treatment - the Doc said I needed to stay away from small children for 12 hours.
On the car journey home, I changed this to 24 hours - I was just so utterly exhausted, and I was desperate to just spend some time in bed, alone, reading/dozing/being brought food and drinks.
The DCs are teens now, and DH still doesn't know. I've no regrets, I needed to recharge.

But, your situation is different. I would still say to take the time away - but you probably need to start thinking about the future, and what your DH is bringing to the table.

StanielandFranny · 29/04/2022 01:46

DH recently went off to a work conference and left me to look after DD, the dog and I'm also 39 weeks pregnant

Was this optional or required by his job?

I haven't seen your other thread. Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling? I mean, I assume you have, but what came of that?

mackthepony · 29/04/2022 01:48

So you're pregnant with your third child?

RitaFaircloughsWig · 29/04/2022 01:51

You've let it happen for two years and you got pregnant again 🙄 this all makes sense when you are a week away from giving birth ...

Somuddled · 29/04/2022 01:53

Why lie? You are married to this person, you chose to have children with them. How are you not able to say that you need time away, for the sake of your own sanity but also because you realise there is a huge gap in parents knowledge and capabilities between you both right now and him spending some time in charge of them is a first step to addressing that.

Cappuccino17 · 29/04/2022 02:03

Hmmm I'd be more concerned about the welfare of my child over playing these games...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/04/2022 02:19

This is not a healthy relationship. He didn't do any childcare for your first. But you had a second... did you think he would magically change?

I don't think he is safely capable of looking after two young children. Yes, I'm sure you'd love to F off to an imaginary conference for a day or so. But your problems will still be there when you get back.

Stop being in control of everything. Stop playing games of who is 'even'. And get some counselling. Or a divorce. Preferably both before you affect your children.

My concern is, if I don’t do something extreme, it’ll just fall to me again and again and he won’t learn, because I’ll be here as the fall back

But you have created this situation. Because you have 'done everything'. Time for things to change but you might need some professional help with that.

k1233 · 29/04/2022 03:27

The only thing unreasonable is your conference isn't for a week and needing you to head off over the weekend...

Fraaahnces · 29/04/2022 03:32

I think you should leave his name off the BC and simply not tell him until you’re ready to go on a permanent “Conference.” Let him find out when he comes home to a cold, empty house and wonders who TF he’s going yell at to get him some dinner.