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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to a “conference “ for two days and leave DH to look after DD?

121 replies

Motherhoodpenalty · 29/04/2022 01:00

So, some of you might have seen another post I made early about decamping to my parents after the birth of my DS.

We have a two year old DD for which I am the primary carer. I am also the primary earner.

DH recently went off to a work conference and left me to look after DD, the dog and I'm also 39 weeks pregnant.

DS has a bad cough, the doctors advice was a steam machine with vicks drops, and calpol, and neurofen to help with discomfort. Problem is the steamer leaves condensation on the walls which if left unwiped, could cause mould. Note in the day I open up the room and wipe down the condensation.

He noticed it once morning and said that it's unacceptable and the room "was a tip" (the room isn't messy btw" and I should not use the steamer and "take her to the doctor" even though I did and that was the doctor's advice.

If you haven't read the other thread, this guy hasn't ever made DD dinner, given her a bath, woken at night to settle her, does one or two nursery pick ups a week. I do everything, and work, and earn more.

I am so angry to point where I quite fancy going to a conference myself for two nights just like he did. So he can get a bit of a crash course in primary parenthood.

Literally about to book myself into a nice little hotel and tell him that I'm off to a conference where I'm delivering the key note address on the "the invisible aspects of parenthood"

AIBU?

OP posts:
LizzieBananas · 29/04/2022 07:24

I read your previous thread. It’s still unclear to me whether you have had your baby yet.

You essentially have two deadlines: your academic deadline and your baby’s birth. Once those have passed, make another positive change.

Whether you move back to your parents, chuck him out or find a place of your own, it’s time to move on and live for yourself and your little ones.

PlasticineMeg · 29/04/2022 07:27

Do it. And when you’re there make a plan to leave. Life is too short to remain with a lazy, incompetent arsehole who is happy to do fuck all himself but then has sky high expectations of you

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 07:29

LizzieBananas · 29/04/2022 07:24

I read your previous thread. It’s still unclear to me whether you have had your baby yet.

You essentially have two deadlines: your academic deadline and your baby’s birth. Once those have passed, make another positive change.

Whether you move back to your parents, chuck him out or find a place of your own, it’s time to move on and live for yourself and your little ones.

It's not unclear when OP has said Long term I haven’t got a formed plan, too emotional and literally about to birth a baby.

Inertia · 29/04/2022 07:34

Would your parents come to stay and help you?

Long term, it doesn’t sound like things are working. If you already earn enough and do all the childcare and housework, at least you wouldn’t get whinged at by a grown man every day if you separate.

TokyoTen · 29/04/2022 07:38

Stop trying to change him and teach him a lesson and even the score - you need to leave!

LightEveningsAreBack · 29/04/2022 07:39

YABU but for staying with him!! What exactly does he do/bring to your life, I'm not hearing anything positive here.

PeskyRooks · 29/04/2022 07:42

You've had two years to address these issues. It seems a bit rash to suddenly do something dramatic when you must be due any day now and your toddler is ill!

coodawoodashooda · 29/04/2022 07:43

I think you need to divorce whilst you are on maternity leave. Otherwise he will get custody as the primary carer.

Ponoka7 · 29/04/2022 07:45

Don't use your children's wellbeing to score points in the car crash relationship that you have chosen to being them into. Start to insist that he is more hands on, not play stupid games. Your DD would suffer if you upped and went away. You are the adult. Go to your parents to give birth and think things out properly. But don't just think of your children as collateral damage.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 29/04/2022 07:45

This. Ditch him and use your money on a nanny instead. He sounds exhausting.

PortalooSunset · 29/04/2022 07:47

What on earth possessed you to have another child with this man?!

ImTheFuckOffCar · 29/04/2022 07:47

You’re 39 weeks pregnant! What if you went into labour?
Would you actually be lying about where you were?

I couldn’t be in a relationship where I felt like I needed to ‘even the score’. Get him to step up, yes. Punish him for going away with work? No.

Classicblunder · 29/04/2022 07:48

I realise that at 39 weeks pregnant, this is not the right time but you will end up divorced and maternity leave is a good time to get things in motion.

I would use that time at your parents to start getting him to look after your DD - e.g. dropping her off EOW to start working towards the contact pattern you want. It doesn't sound like he is incompetent just lazy

Jumpking · 29/04/2022 07:52

lightand · 29/04/2022 06:12

YABU for lying

YANBU for telling him that you are going somewhere and leaving him cope for 2 days.
But leave him copius notes.

When my kids were little I went off every about 9 months for 3 day breaks. Helped DH learn loads more about child raising. Helped him learn more about his own kids. Even helped him learn more about housekeeping.
I did not care much that the house was messier when I got back. I did not care much that they may have had takeaway 3 days in a row. Because the benefits long term for everyone, very much outweighed everything else.

Good for you. I was a SAHM when my kids were little, and I used to do similar. 2 days somewhere for a break while XH had them. I even went away for 2 weeks when they were 3 & 1.

Difference was I never had to leave notes or look at it as a time for him to learn to parent and look after the house. For all his faults, XH never needed to "step up" as a dad when they were little. He was fully present and involved from day 1.

I used to despair when my friends told me they could never leave their kids with their dad overnight. The odd occasions female friends went away, the dad's parents would come and stay to help them with the child care.

I don't know why, in 2022, women still accept men doing FA to raise their children.

napody · 29/04/2022 07:55

Do it. He needs a quick reality check.
Those PPs saying that you shouldn’t leave your child with him- if they separate in future (which it sounds like they should but there is always the chance he will get his act together when he sees what childcare involves) he will get to have his children overnight, possibly a significant share of custody. He’s the father and he doesn’t sound like he’s incapable, just lazy.

RosesAndHellebores · 29/04/2022 07:58

Now is the wrong time op but longer term you need a long hard think about what is in this relationship for you and your girls. He contributes nothing.

Changing tack a minute - it's always best to steam a for a couple baby in the bathroom!

Not as extreme but dh was being an entitled arse when the DC were 3 and 6ish (decades ago now). He'd announce on a Saturday morning that he was off to golf, (or replace with some other sporting event that usually also involved clients). One morning I announced I was out for the day, leaving at 8am and the dc needed to do x, y and z and presents for the birthday party needed wrapping. Short shopping list that he could do when child A was at the party, etc.

I had a miserable day in the West End, went to a gallery, looked around the shops, took a bus ride from 4.30-6.30 because I was determined not to get home before 7.30.

He was sheepish when I got back the children were bathed and he ordered a take away. It was never mentioned again and he gave me notice and negotiated his pink tickets after that.

Difference though op was that he brought home the bacon and I had 8 years off!

femfemlicious · 29/04/2022 08:04

I think you should do it. Have a proper rest and break before the new baby cones. He is her fathet!. He will manage!. Its only 2 nights!. Leave LOTS of notes.

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 08:07

femfemlicious · 29/04/2022 08:04

I think you should do it. Have a proper rest and break before the new baby cones. He is her fathet!. He will manage!. Its only 2 nights!. Leave LOTS of notes.

Do you really have to leave notes so your husband knows how to look after a child?
Who left OP's notes when she started being a parent?

Jumpking · 29/04/2022 08:14

napody · 29/04/2022 07:55

Do it. He needs a quick reality check.
Those PPs saying that you shouldn’t leave your child with him- if they separate in future (which it sounds like they should but there is always the chance he will get his act together when he sees what childcare involves) he will get to have his children overnight, possibly a significant share of custody. He’s the father and he doesn’t sound like he’s incapable, just lazy.

Why do you presume dad will have the kids overnight? Many of us on here have the experience that divorce doesn't mean 50/50 split. XH hasn't had his 2 overnight since Oct 2020.

clippety clop · 29/04/2022 08:15

When you have your baby try and stay in hospital for a couple of days?

PurassicJark · 29/04/2022 08:15

You're a single parent op, accept that. Might as well make it official. At least then you have a chance at finding someone who does love you, not just uses you as a bank and incubator for children.

Allthe4s · 29/04/2022 08:19

@Motherhoodpenalty

not at the expense of, he’s quite smart, and I’m sure if given the chance he would be able to learn very quickly how to look after a child

can you see the problem with what you posted? he has a ‘chance’ everyday to be a parent, yet doesn’t, unless you’re saying you’re a control freak who won’t them him do anything?

Hurstlandshome · 29/04/2022 08:27

Why all the game play? Why not just communicate how you feel to your husband?

HollyFromTheBongs · 29/04/2022 08:33

Lemonsandlemonade · 29/04/2022 05:19

I couldn’t do this as I couldn’t leave my child with someone who doesn’t know how to look after them.

I get why OP but I’d be looking how to leave.

You do realise that if the OP leaves him, she'd have to leave her children for at least part of the time with someone who doesn't know how to look after them? That's the thing about divorce that people seem to forget.

HotMummaSummer · 29/04/2022 08:33

When DD was 16 months I went away for 2 nights and it was the best thing for husband and DD honestly!
DH now loves doing her hair (with many clips and bows) and helping her pick outfits! He does most bedtimes. It really strengthened their bond.
Before my weekend away I would do most meals with DD and get her ready almost always!