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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to a “conference “ for two days and leave DH to look after DD?

121 replies

Motherhoodpenalty · 29/04/2022 01:00

So, some of you might have seen another post I made early about decamping to my parents after the birth of my DS.

We have a two year old DD for which I am the primary carer. I am also the primary earner.

DH recently went off to a work conference and left me to look after DD, the dog and I'm also 39 weeks pregnant.

DS has a bad cough, the doctors advice was a steam machine with vicks drops, and calpol, and neurofen to help with discomfort. Problem is the steamer leaves condensation on the walls which if left unwiped, could cause mould. Note in the day I open up the room and wipe down the condensation.

He noticed it once morning and said that it's unacceptable and the room "was a tip" (the room isn't messy btw" and I should not use the steamer and "take her to the doctor" even though I did and that was the doctor's advice.

If you haven't read the other thread, this guy hasn't ever made DD dinner, given her a bath, woken at night to settle her, does one or two nursery pick ups a week. I do everything, and work, and earn more.

I am so angry to point where I quite fancy going to a conference myself for two nights just like he did. So he can get a bit of a crash course in primary parenthood.

Literally about to book myself into a nice little hotel and tell him that I'm off to a conference where I'm delivering the key note address on the "the invisible aspects of parenthood"

AIBU?

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 29/04/2022 08:36

He’s a shit dad yet you are having another child with him? Sigh.

AProperStinging · 29/04/2022 08:36

Fraaahnces · 29/04/2022 03:32

I think you should leave his name off the BC and simply not tell him until you’re ready to go on a permanent “Conference.” Let him find out when he comes home to a cold, empty house and wonders who TF he’s going yell at to get him some dinner.

"leaving his name off the BC" doesn't work if you're married. He is legally the child's father.

AProperStinging · 29/04/2022 08:37

Inertia · 29/04/2022 07:34

Would your parents come to stay and help you?

Long term, it doesn’t sound like things are working. If you already earn enough and do all the childcare and housework, at least you wouldn’t get whinged at by a grown man every day if you separate.

It's not really her parents' job to look after their grandchild and clean someone else's house because their adult daughter and son-in-law can't apparently manage it between them, is it?

yellowsuninthesky · 29/04/2022 08:44

I think the OP's first child was IVF and the second one was conceived naturally (and unexpectedly) unless I am confusing her with someone else.

Anyway, if he says anything about the mould, put a cloth in his hand and tell him "you know what to do". How dare he do nothing and tell you what to do? I assume you have told him he's an arse but obviously not clearly enough!

hellcatspanglelalala · 29/04/2022 08:49

YANBU, as long as you think he will step up and care for the properly. Tbh, I'm not sure why you put up with his uselessness full stop, or why you had a second child when he didn't parent the first one.

Noisyprat · 29/04/2022 08:56

You haven't said what your response was to him when he made these comments?

Look at it from his point of view: you are the main earner, you do all the housework/cooking, you do all the childcare, you are having another child with him. Why would he change, he's got a great life!

Unless you disrupt this situation nothing will change. I agree with other posters, why did you have another child with him? Did you think he would suddenly wake up and become super partner!

BorisJohnsonatemyhampster · 29/04/2022 09:17

I chose YABU because you knew what he was like with DC1 then went on to have another. I never understand why people do this and then complain.

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 09:24

BorisJohnsonatemyhampster · 29/04/2022 09:17

I chose YABU because you knew what he was like with DC1 then went on to have another. I never understand why people do this and then complain.

Her DD is 2. There's a very good chance she was not long back at work from maternity leave and was still in the swing of finding their new 'normal' when she got pregnant again.

When you're on maternity leave you generally get used to doing most things. It's all too easy to believe a man who says he'll pull his weight with the kids.

saraclara · 29/04/2022 09:27

PortalooSunset · 29/04/2022 07:47

What on earth possessed you to have another child with this man?!

Maybe nine months ago, she still had hopes that he'd start getting more involved?

Whatsmyname100 · 29/04/2022 09:30

LagunaBubbles · 29/04/2022 01:29

TBH right now its about evening the score, even though evening the score would take around two years given thats how long he’s been a extremely partial parent

So why stay and why have more children with him?

Exactly. You complain but how can you, take a good look at yourself. You made the choice to have another baby with this useless man. All good and well to complain about him ,but take responsibility for your choices as well.

Testina · 29/04/2022 09:36

These threads where the father does fuck all… there’s always a late stages of pregnancy, and seemingly always a dog to add to the workload too.

And no, he didn’t just turn like this - OP says there is 2 years of parenting to catch up.

Not necessarily wrong to have another child… my friend did. Wanted another one in full expectation her husband would continue to be useless.

But she also had a long term plan - and that’s missing here.

Testina · 29/04/2022 09:37

saraclara · 29/04/2022 09:27

Maybe nine months ago, she still had hopes that he'd start getting more involved?

Show quote history

9 months ago she had 15 months evidenced that he was useless.

Badger1970 · 29/04/2022 09:38

You chose this man as the father of your children. And you chose to have more than one even though he'd clearly already shown you what sort of a useless lump of shit he actually is. You're partly responsible here too.

Stop being a martyr and do something about it. He's never going to change, and you would be a fool to even attempt to try it.

When people show you who they really are, believe them.

worriedatthistime · 29/04/2022 09:43

Why not just talk and insist he starts pulling his weight now or theirs the door
He can bath dd , do bedtime, cook dinner , do chores wll whilst your their as well

worriedatthistime · 29/04/2022 09:45

Pressed too soon
Just speak and say things need to change you are about to have a second dc and he needs to start doing his share
Even when i was a sahm when dc were little my dh still did bedtimes/ bath/ dinner at times and i would have had nO qualms in going out for a day or evening and leaving him with them. As he is a parent too

Dishwashersaurous · 29/04/2022 09:45

I think I recall that number 2 was a massive surprise and ivf number one. But nonetheless you know what he's like.

Actually I think it would be a good idea to go away for 48hrs and contact a divorce solicitor. So that you can put steps in place to ensure that your home is protected and you are considered primary carer.

He is not going to change. You have no relationship with him. You need to start actively planning the rest of your life with your children without him.

tomatoandherbs · 29/04/2022 09:51

Don’t be a fool and spend your energy and your money on this

you don’t like him. Let alone love him.

fpcus your energy and money on progressing a divorce. It’s on the horizon so just bring it forward

MissChanandlerBong80 · 29/04/2022 09:51

Can we please stop blaming women for the behaviour of men? We don’t know in what circumstances OP got pregnant with her second - it may not have been planned. Even if it was planned, real life is more nuanced than ‘you knew he was useless so you’re an idiot for having another baby with him’. People’s behaviour can change over time. In fact abusive men often become abusive during a pregnancy when they know the woman is trapped and they hold all the cards.

Onwards22 · 29/04/2022 09:53

I think the OP's first child was IVF and the second one was conceived naturally (and unexpectedly) unless I am confusing her with someone else.

Yes it is which is why she didn’t want to get a termination which is fair enough although I’m not sure why you’d want to have sex with someone like him anyway.

OP you knew what he was like and you chose to have sex and conceive a baby with him.

If you’ve told him countless times that he needs to step up (which I’m sure you have) and he still hasn’t - then you either need to put up with it, stop moaning and stop trying to find excuses to go away or end the relationship.

Why keep starting threads if you have absolutely no intention of ending the relationship and you know he’s going to stay the same?

I can guarantee that once baby is here you’ll start another thread about going away to try and teach him a lesson.

Knittingchamp · 29/04/2022 10:01

Motherhoodpenalty · 29/04/2022 01:25

@Aquamarine1029 not at the expense of, he’s quite smart, and I’m sure if given the chance he would be able to learn very quickly how to look after a child. My concern is, if I don’t do something extreme, it’ll just fall to me again and again and he won’t learn, because I’ll be here as the fall back.

plus, she’s well enough to go to nursery now, cough is cleared.

It's hard OP but you need to sit down and tell him the relationship cannot work long term unless he starts pulling his weight. He's currently placing you in an impossible situation and this is before the new baby is here. It'll get so much worse for you when there are two to juggle. He's literally forcing your hand for that discussion to happen OP, how the hell can you do all this on your own?

And definitely take some time but you don't need to say it's for a conference. Say you need a break, which you do. And that you can't be primary earner and primary carer. One or the other. That's just common sense and the reality of being a parent. You can't wait until you've had a breakdown to address this, because you are likely to get to that point eventually and he needs to stop being a selfish asshole step up as a husband and father and actually do bus bloody job.

Searchfornessie · 29/04/2022 10:02

TBH right now its about evening the score, even though evening the score would take around two years given thats how long he’s been a extremely partial parent

Absolutely baffled as to why you are 39 weeks pregnant given the above.

Whatsmyname100 · 29/04/2022 10:06

Can we please stop blaming women for the behaviour of men?

Or how about women taking responsibility for the choices they make. The op knew full well how useless he is and yet had another child. How can you then complain without looking at your part in this?

NoToLandfill · 29/04/2022 10:06

Definitely book into a hotel for 2 days.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/04/2022 10:06

“Evening the score”?

Really? That’s no basis for raising children together. Why are you even considering continuing this relationship?

please don’t leave your children with your inept partner, none of this is their fault.

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/04/2022 10:14

What do you get out of this relationship?

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