Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To go to a “conference “ for two days and leave DH to look after DD?

121 replies

Motherhoodpenalty · 29/04/2022 01:00

So, some of you might have seen another post I made early about decamping to my parents after the birth of my DS.

We have a two year old DD for which I am the primary carer. I am also the primary earner.

DH recently went off to a work conference and left me to look after DD, the dog and I'm also 39 weeks pregnant.

DS has a bad cough, the doctors advice was a steam machine with vicks drops, and calpol, and neurofen to help with discomfort. Problem is the steamer leaves condensation on the walls which if left unwiped, could cause mould. Note in the day I open up the room and wipe down the condensation.

He noticed it once morning and said that it's unacceptable and the room "was a tip" (the room isn't messy btw" and I should not use the steamer and "take her to the doctor" even though I did and that was the doctor's advice.

If you haven't read the other thread, this guy hasn't ever made DD dinner, given her a bath, woken at night to settle her, does one or two nursery pick ups a week. I do everything, and work, and earn more.

I am so angry to point where I quite fancy going to a conference myself for two nights just like he did. So he can get a bit of a crash course in primary parenthood.

Literally about to book myself into a nice little hotel and tell him that I'm off to a conference where I'm delivering the key note address on the "the invisible aspects of parenthood"

AIBU?

OP posts:

Norgie · 29/04/2022 03:32

I would be decamping to a solicitor for a divorce.

Indicatrice · 29/04/2022 03:36

LagunaBubbles · 29/04/2022 01:29

TBH right now its about evening the score, even though evening the score would take around two years given thats how long he’s been a extremely partial parent

So why stay and why have more children with him?

this

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2022 03:47

Do it OP, it will probably be very good for you at this stage of the pregnancy also so consider it looking after your baby as well. God knows your dh isn’t. Once you’ve gone to your parents and have baby in your arms you can think seriously about your relationship and whether it’s the right thing for your children to keep pretending to them he’s an actual partner and father.

Vikinga · 29/04/2022 03:55

Tell him, he either parents and does housework and cooks etc 50/50 or you split and he'll have to do 50/50 on his own.

Monty27 · 29/04/2022 04:04

OP it's not about point scoring. Ship him out and take care of your DC's.

Sh05 · 29/04/2022 04:21

The only person who will suffer is a small innocent child.
You say he'll step up if you're not there but he won't know how, he won't know the intricacies of how to keep your little one happy and you'll come back to a super clingy child right before you give birth.
Things need evening out but this is not the way to do it

MrsMiddleMother · 29/04/2022 04:40

So you get to spend a night in a hotel and your young child gets stuck with a moron father who's barely cared for her, all because you couldn't deal with his bullshit before now. Poor kid.

mamabear449 · 29/04/2022 05:00

Just tell him to leave. You'll find the the break you get not having to look after this giant man child and being able to relax in your own home are the same as any trip away on your own. You don't need him, even if you are about to give birth. My ex did fuck all to support me through that either.

Good luck, you've got this xxx

Lemonsandlemonade · 29/04/2022 05:19

I couldn’t do this as I couldn’t leave my child with someone who doesn’t know how to look after them.

I get why OP but I’d be looking how to leave.

Krakenchorus · 29/04/2022 05:40

Can you ditch your useless dh and hire an au pair? Is that financially possible?

Louise0701 · 29/04/2022 05:43

YABU to have another child with this man.

QuinkWashable · 29/04/2022 05:44

OP, I've been in a similar place, and yes, once you're this angry and considering it, the relationship is over, it's just waiting for one of you to get to that point and do something about it (in my case, ex went of and slept with all and sundry whilst travelling for work, so I didn't know until I found evidence and immediately ended it)

And then, even though for years, you've dreamed to yourself that if you split, he'll have the kids 50/50 and you'll finally get time to yourself, you find that you can't do that to the kids, and he's a lazy git, so you have them basically 100% of the time, with occasional afternoons at their dads (which you entirely pack for, because they see him so little that they don't even have their own room at his place, but sleep in the guest room instead)

I know you're ranting, and you would not be unreasonable to have some time for yourself, but you're not going to get it, and you need to start coming to peace with the idea of splitting.

custardbear · 29/04/2022 05:57

This doesn't sound like a happy home, have you considered separation?

Plutoisaplanet · 29/04/2022 06:07

Why on earth did you have another child with this manchild?

lightand · 29/04/2022 06:12

YABU for lying

YANBU for telling him that you are going somewhere and leaving him cope for 2 days.
But leave him copius notes.

When my kids were little I went off every about 9 months for 3 day breaks. Helped DH learn loads more about child raising. Helped him learn more about his own kids. Even helped him learn more about housekeeping.
I did not care much that the house was messier when I got back. I did not care much that they may have had takeaway 3 days in a row. Because the benefits long term for everyone, very much outweighed everything else.

Zonder · 29/04/2022 06:14

Ultimatum time. He stays and becomes a proper dad or he buggers off and you get on with life without him.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 29/04/2022 06:15

Vikinga · 29/04/2022 03:55

Tell him, he either parents and does housework and cooks etc 50/50 or you split and he'll have to do 50/50 on his own.

I've never understood comments like this.

OP can leave but she can't physically force him to have the children 50:50 and I doubt she'd even want him to, judging by how little he does at the moment.

By all means ask him to step up but the reality is that if he doesn't and she ends up leaving anyway, he's not going to step up then either.

Onwards22 · 29/04/2022 06:36

YABU you can’t keep making threads about going away.

You either need to stay and sort the relationship out or end the relationship completely.

This relationship doesn’t work and I personally think you need to end it before the baby arrives so you have time to adjust.

JustMaggie · 29/04/2022 06:48

I know you're angry, you're hormonal and you want him to feel your pain. But stay with your child. She may have recovered enough to go to nursery but leaving her when your baby is due soon sends her the wrong message.

Loopytiles · 29/04/2022 06:50

YABU, you’re game playing. Better to address the main problem.

JurasicPerks · 29/04/2022 06:58

YANBU to go, but YABU to lie about it. Tell him the truth - and give him time to prepare.

BundtCake · 29/04/2022 07:05

why didn’t you divorce him after he showed you what kind of crappy father he is? Why have another baby? You can go to a hotel, sure, but this isn’t solving the problem. I feel sorry for your children, they will pick up on the dynamics of your relationship as they get older.

Sunnysideup999 · 29/04/2022 07:08

Stay and look after your child . It sounds like he wouldn’t .
but have a serious conversation with him about him stepping up .

Fortbite · 29/04/2022 07:10

He won't learn because he knows but can't be bothered to parent his child and knows you'll pick up the slack. I know this isn't helpful but why you'd have another child when he's been useless with this one is baffling, only yourself to blame.

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 07:15

It'd probably be better to ask him to go away again to be honest. You know he's not responsible enough to properly care for your DC.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread