To go to a “conference “ for two days and leave DH to look after DD?

[Motherhoodpenalty]

So, some of you might have seen another post I made early about decamping to my parents after the birth of my DS.

We have a two year old DD for which I am the primary carer. I am also the primary earner.

DH recently went off to a work conference and left me to look after DD, the dog and I'm also 39 weeks pregnant.

DS has a bad cough, the doctors advice was a steam machine with vicks drops, and calpol, and neurofen to help with discomfort. Problem is the steamer leaves condensation on the walls which if left unwiped, could cause mould. Note in the day I open up the room and wipe down the condensation.

He noticed it once morning and said that it's unacceptable and the room "was a tip" (the room isn't messy btw" and I should not use the steamer and "take her to the doctor" even though I did and that was the doctor's advice.

If you haven't read the other thread, this guy hasn't ever made DD dinner, given her a bath, woken at night to settle her, does one or two nursery pick ups a week. I do everything, and work, and earn more.

I am so angry to point where I quite fancy going to a conference myself for two nights just like he did. So he can get a bit of a crash course in primary parenthood.

Literally about to book myself into a nice little hotel and tell him that I'm off to a conference where I'm delivering the key note address on the "the invisible aspects of parenthood"

AIBU?

YABU

This kind of deceit and 'revenge' is ridiculous in a relationship.

You sit down, and you discuss it like adults.

If he doesn't want to , or doesn't see an issue - then you have your answer about how the rest of your parenting days will play out.

Of course it won't be the happy family unit that you thought it might be, and of course it will be very upsetting and a lot of work to start a life on your own, but this happens that often , that there is a huge amount of practical and emotional support out there. There's loads of links and guidance just on this website.

If you are not prepared to do this, then you can expect a life of resentment and arguments that you children will pick up on and that could affect them negatively

You are about to have another baby… first 8 weeks he will have to do all the toddler care.

Write him a comprehensive manual for DD now including picks up and drops off, all meals, recipes for meals etc etc, games to play. Temperature of bath water, exact time etc etc - including her washing! What books to read to her

When the baby is born keep re-referring to the manual.

Why on Earth do you believe he'll do any childcare for 8 weeks and why would he possibly need a manual?

A lot of my friends’ husbands were useless until they were “trained” by the wives. There is no other way for working women if the husband is inherently lazy. You just have to push him to do his bit. If he doesn’t step up you divorce him. But be really specific about what you are asking him to do so there can be no excuses.

Tell him 'I took the day off last time, it's your turn to take the day off and stay with dd'.

He sounds like an utter twat.

YABU for still staying with him
but trying to get revenge
either deal with your marriage or leave

he sounds like a waster, get rid or he can change.
if this is the first step to him changing as a shock lesson then great
if it’s just revenge, don’t use your kids to punish someone

My husband works away from home Sunday to Friday, I get left with the toddler and dog whilst pregnant and trying to work. The absolutely massive difference is that when he gets back he does childcare at the weekend and does lots of the tidying. He takes her swimming on a Saturday morning so I can have a lie in. Even though by Friday the house isn’t that tidy, he wouldn’t dare to say a thing because he appreciates that I do my best! I’d really consider what you are getting from
the relationship, it doesn’t sound happy for you.

Overnights don't have to mean 50/50?

The norm seems to be every other weekend a a night in the week which isn't close to 50/50 but still has overnight contact

Almost every post on your other thread advised you to fuck off and leave him. How many more times do you need telling to LTB?

Such a shit, horrible family environment to grow up in. Indeed, to live in. Full stop.

but the op doesn’t want to change or improve her future life and the lives of her children.

it is all about “evening things up”

I will bow out because pointless

Pm for his reaction

*Write him a comprehensive manual for DD now including picks up and drops off, all meals, recipes for meals etc etc, games to play. Temperature of bath water, exact time etc etc - including her washing! What books to read to her

When the baby is born keep re-referring to the manual.*

No chance! Just WTAF? What a ridiculous post and full-on enabling men to continue to evade responsibility putting all the pressure on women “you never told me, it’s not in the book”. Yes, let me do allll the thinking for you, take on all that mental load as it means I get 5 mins piece even if I spent an hour writing a manual on how not to scold a child with bath water.

I assume most men aren’t illiterate so they can read the internet and other parenting books themselves. Wonder how they cope at work with their big jobs if they can’t read or use common sense.

Your threads just seem to be for a moan, rather than actually bothering to get the loser out of your life.

Cannot understand the sexual appeal of a deadbeat, non functioning male, or inflicting him as a father on another poor kid.

I think some of the advice to talk it through, not play games, is good - IF you're dealing with a reasonable person who listens, thinks his spouse is a human being with needs, thoughts, agency etc. Talking it through like an adult works in these situations.

Not all partners are like this. He's already shown he doesn't listen to her, i.e. 'take kid to doctor' when she's told him she already has and this was the advice. Trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable person is like playing chess with a pigeon.

It's a funny revenge fantasy and shows OP is witty, and at her wits' end. She'd probably be better off leaving him, though.

You're unreasonable for pretending it's a conference. You need to establish your right to time to rest, and his responsibility to be a parent to facilitate that. It shouldn't be because its a work essential it should be because you're entitled to a break. Pretending you have no choice might make for an easier get away, but won't establish any long term change in how he views your needs.

Can't help noticing that you aren't getting much sympathy.

I feel great sympathy for you and hope that you get some rest. I suspect that the 'conference" is being taken too literally. I don't think you are trying to point score or teach him a lesson. I think you are quite reasonably at the end of your tether.

Good luck with everything. Don't know how to do the bunch of flower icon but I feel that you deserve more people posting that kind of response.

I think due to observation that OPstarys threads about how husband. Clearly despises him. Clearly awful environment. And yet her only tangible action plan seems to be to start regular mumsnet threads.

I fear you'll give birth at the conference! Whether you go or not, you'll soon get time off in the hospital. Try and prolong your stay so that he has to come correct and sort himself out.

Yabu purely for staying with this idiot and posting every few weeks to express your disdain at him. What do you get out of posting to strangers and complaining about the feckless man when you haven't got the guts to do anything about it in real life? It's a completely unhealthy situation and is pointed out to you in every post but you ignore it as its convenient.

I said ‘get to’ have them overnight- I.e. the dad will be allowed to. As a response to those guilt tripping pps that were horrified that a mother would leave her child with a lazy but perfectly able father for a couple of days. You’re absolutely right he may do bugger all if they separate, and I’m sorry for your situation.

So 39 weeks pregnant and risking going into labour you want to start game playing to make his step up to parenting? You should've done this way before now.