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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a gift when they’ve asked for cash? (Wedding)

144 replies

WhatsHoppening · 28/04/2022 21:59

Best friends wedding soon. I’ve found a gorgeous gift from Anthropologie that I think she/her partner would love. They’ve asked for ££ for the honeymoon (no hate as everyone we know does that and that’s fine!) but when DH and I got married we got a few lovely homeware items which I love using and bring back fond memories and I hope this would do the same.
AIBU? Cost is slightly less than what I’d generally give in cash.

OP posts:
Murdoch1949 · 30/04/2022 19:33

A gift is your choice not their request. I find it incredibly rude for people to make demands about gifts, demands of any sort, money is the worst. If they don't NEED presents, as have enough goods, request charity donations.

Jiren710 · 01/05/2022 05:03

Lmfaoo they can fk off. Quit begging for money like a fkn bum. People should be lucky people buy gifts for weddings in the first place. Expecting people to help pay for your wedding or honeymoon is not only delusional but is greedy af the entitlement is ridiculous.

And the people defending the greedy couple are just entitled greedy fks as well

They have NO RIGHT to demand gifts in general and demanding for money instead of gifts is even worse. Spoiled entitled greedy fks

ChampagneLassie · 01/05/2022 05:34

@WhatsHoppening id say get them they gift - you know them. Like many people I asked for money as I didn't want people to have to buy gifts, have no clue and end up with a bunch of random stuff. Majority gave us cash. A handful of people gave us beautiful thoughtful gifts, things we didn't "want" but wonderful beatiful things we cherished. If they don't like it the thought counts too. X

Original poster
WhatsHoppening · 01/05/2022 09:48

ChampagneLassie · 01/05/2022 05:34

@WhatsHoppening id say get them they gift - you know them. Like many people I asked for money as I didn't want people to have to buy gifts, have no clue and end up with a bunch of random stuff. Majority gave us cash. A handful of people gave us beautiful thoughtful gifts, things we didn't "want" but wonderful beatiful things we cherished. If they don't like it the thought counts too. X

That’s what I’m hoping. Plan is for now- gift (+ gift receipt) and a bit of cash. I’ll write a short note in the card saying I thought it might be nice to have a keepsake but won’t be at all offended if you want to swap for the ££. Hopefully that’s the best of both worlds 😀

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 01/05/2022 10:11

Make sure the shop is easily accessible to them, if it was me I’d end up not taking back as it’s such a pain to get to it would end up in a cupboard if I didn’t like it!

Icecreamlover63 · 01/05/2022 10:39

The day is about two people getting married!
i doubt very much if this will be a game changer. Give your gift if she loves it great if she doesn’t then it’s not the end of the world. If she is your best friend I don’t think this will or should change anything between you.

if you are going to worry about this situation just give the money and keep the home ornament for yourself. Honestly it’s really not worth worrying about.

hope you have a lovely day

NannyM57 · 02/05/2022 00:25

I'd give the cash OP. We had a list for our wedding, but a number of close friends opted to get things "they knew I'd love or need." It was sweet and appreciated, but I didn't love or need them. For example, I got 4 coffeemakers... when I'd already spent a small fortune on one we really did love. Someone else bought us a painting but it doesn't go with anything else in the house and oddly makes our baby cry.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 02/05/2022 09:24

I'd get the gift.

I only give cash for weddings if I really can't think of a decent present for the couple and there is no list. The presents we were given that people close to us had chosen themselves were (and are) still among my favourites 10 years on.

TheKeatingFive · 02/05/2022 09:30

Just give the cash OP. Why would you go against her wishes? So many wedding gifts end up in the attic/charity shops. People think they are much better chooses of gifts than they are in reality.

Villagewaspbyke · 02/05/2022 09:34

I think give the cash or cash and gift. Often something you think is lovely or memorable is clutter to someone else. I have too much stuff and wish to only get cash as gifts from now on.

Lunarpsychobitch · 02/05/2022 19:46

She's your best friend, why don't you just ask her?
Tell her you've seen something you think she'd love and as her best friend you wanted your gift to be memorable, but that you wouldn't be offended if she came back saying she'd rather have the cash.

SkankingWombat · 02/05/2022 20:21

Jiren710 · 01/05/2022 05:03

Lmfaoo they can fk off. Quit begging for money like a fkn bum. People should be lucky people buy gifts for weddings in the first place. Expecting people to help pay for your wedding or honeymoon is not only delusional but is greedy af the entitlement is ridiculous.

And the people defending the greedy couple are just entitled greedy fks as well

They have NO RIGHT to demand gifts in general and demanding for money instead of gifts is even worse. Spoiled entitled greedy fks

But they aren't begging or demanding, they are simply saying if you want give, this is what we'd like. They are most likely trying to avoid getting a load of things they neither want or need. Tradition dictates a gift for the B&G if you attend the wedding. Surely it's better to be honest about what you want so people don't waste their money buying clutter? How is it any different to providing a link to e.g. a John Lewis wedding gift list, which is also very specific?
Do you not carefully consider what the receiver really wants when you buy a gift (whether birthday, Xmas, wedding etc)? Or do you just buy what you think they should have regardless of their tastes/opinions/needs?

SkankingWombat · 02/05/2022 20:22

Sorry, that was Jiren710 . The quote didn't post because Update! for some reason...

Whoatealltheminieggs · 02/05/2022 20:27

Also in the asking for cash is awful camp. Anyone who does this deserves a loo roll holder if that.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 03/05/2022 07:51

Well I am glad some of the people on this tread are not my friends!!!

We suggested cash if people wanted to give us anything and explained quite clearly that we have everything (we’d lived together for 8.5 years) equally I am a fussy b*tch!

Some people gave us champagne (lovely, I like champagne) and those that were kind enough to give us cash have made a huge contribution to us extending our home which will include a plaque to honour that for which we are so hugely grateful to be honest. We did get some vouchers which, to be honest, whilst kind and greatly appreciated, we really struggled to find things to spend them on… in the end I bought a new washing line with some of them when ours broke, but I can’t say that elicits fond memories of my wedding day now 😂

My brother has just got married this weekend, lived together for 16 years, and we gave cash. Personally, if someone asks for cash I will give them it. I would rather know I contributed to something that they would really enjoy, making memories or something equally important when they probably spent a good £250 minimum inviting me to their wedding!

Momicrone · 03/05/2022 07:53

Give what ever you want

Chasingsquirrels · 03/05/2022 07:57

I'd ask her, in a message (so she doesn't have to immediately respond face to face) with a link (so she can see exactly what it is) and would emphasise that it was totally up to her and I'd be happy to give cash if that's what she'd prefer.

MummyJ12 · 03/05/2022 07:58

Sounds like you’ve come up with the perfect solution to this OP. That’s exactly what I’d recommend. Best of both worlds!

AppleandRhubarbTart · 03/05/2022 08:23

NannyM57 · 02/05/2022 00:25

I'd give the cash OP. We had a list for our wedding, but a number of close friends opted to get things "they knew I'd love or need." It was sweet and appreciated, but I didn't love or need them. For example, I got 4 coffeemakers... when I'd already spent a small fortune on one we really did love. Someone else bought us a painting but it doesn't go with anything else in the house and oddly makes our baby cry.

This is the thing, lots of people aren't as good at choosing presents the recipient will love and/or need as they think they are. Even people who are very close don't necessarily know each other's taste unfailingly. I know OP plans to say it's fine to return it if they don't like it, but realistically if a loved one in good faith has chosen something they think you'll adore, there's a good chance you'll pretend to like it and keep it out of obligation.

For this reason, OP if you haven't bought the gift yet I'd just give the cash. After all, you want to give them something they'll be happy with: we aren't in a passive aggressive punishment present as is sometimes the case on these threads. You know that'll be cash because they've said so, and it eliminates any possibility of awkwardness, waste of money and resources or guilt.

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