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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a gift when they’ve asked for cash? (Wedding)

144 replies

WhatsHoppening · 28/04/2022 21:59

Best friends wedding soon. I’ve found a gorgeous gift from Anthropologie that I think she/her partner would love. They’ve asked for ££ for the honeymoon (no hate as everyone we know does that and that’s fine!) but when DH and I got married we got a few lovely homeware items which I love using and bring back fond memories and I hope this would do the same.
AIBU? Cost is slightly less than what I’d generally give in cash.

OP posts:
LemonJelly1980 · 29/04/2022 09:12

I would get her the gift.
Everyone else will give money as it is the easiest thing to do and has been requested.
They will have enough to spend on their honeymoon, but I'm sure she will love and appreciate the thought and effort from her best friend to give something more personal.

SkankingWombat · 29/04/2022 09:34

IsabelHerna · 29/04/2022 08:17

I'd get the gift, its more memorable. People in 5years rarely remember how much money (or even if you gave them).

True, but it should be memorable for the right reasons. It's good to question if it's the right decision when going against the B&G's clearly expressed wishes. (See my earlier post about the ginormous cake stand I have been dutifully storing for the past 10yrs and the irritation it causes every time I go in that cupboard)

SmallPrawnEnergy · 29/04/2022 09:39

it's a best friends wedding and a personal occasion so people want to put thought into a personal gift not just open their wallet
If that’s how you saw your wedding that’s fine, a lot of friends get personal gifts completely wrong and you end up with car boot fodder. Why is helping contribute to a memorable honeymoon not personal enough? I’d rather my friends got what they wanted but you do you I suppose.

Howeverbut · 29/04/2022 10:26

As she's your best friend I would ask her. She might want a gift from her good friends but cash from those not so close. And if that is what she would prefer, it is difficult to word on the wedding invitation: presents from my dear friends and cash from the rest of you.

80sMum · 29/04/2022 10:31

Quincythequince · 28/04/2022 22:06

They’ve been clear in what they’d like and also prefer. Why would you not want to provide this for them, rather than your idea of what you think she’d love?

I agree with this! The things that you would love (and think that other people would love) are not what this couple actually wants!
Most people getting married nowadays are mature couples (ie they're not in their late teens/early 20s and just setting up home independently for the first time) and usually already have all the household items that they need.

WhereIsMyBrain · 29/04/2022 10:41

I’d rather my friends got what they wanted but you do you I suppose.

Do you talk to people like this in real life?

Mulhollandmagoo · 29/04/2022 11:11

Nelliephant1 · 28/04/2022 22:43

Why not just tell her that you've seen something that you think she'd love and would she mind if you got her that instead of cash, but if she'd really prefer the cash then that's ok? You don't have to tell her what the gift is, just ask in principle.

You're far from being unreasonable or a bad friend, there's some odd ones loose on MN tonight 😏😄

This is a good idea, and then she will tell you what she would prefer?

We asked for money for our wedding and booked a honeymoon with it, as we'd lived together for a few years and had everything, and I hated the idea of being over-run with stuff. What one couple prefers another wont and that's fine, its definitely not 'vulgar'

KarmaStar · 29/04/2022 11:15

Buy the gift.it will last longer than a few cocktails and a nice dinner out.😀

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 29/04/2022 11:27

Marvellousmadness · 28/04/2022 22:25

Yabu. Some best friend you are...

Honestly, what a predictably knobby response on this kind of thread.

She’s your best friend, OP, so you judge. I like giving cash as a gift as it’s easy, but it doesn’t mean that giving a physical gift instead is an insult to the couple. Some people on MN just like to get pissy over every little thing.

Erictheavocado · 29/04/2022 12:49

I don't understand why people get so upset about cash requests. When I married , it was normal that wedding gifts were given to help set up the couple's first home. It was also acceptable to have a list of preferred items, or product ranges so that you could build up a good quality set of crockery, pans etc.
Now that so many couples are already living together, it makes sense that they wouldn't need the same items as I did. Cash is much more sensible and can be used to uplevel items, or buy a bigger priced item rather than 15 electric knives. If you don't want to give a gift, fair enough, but I wouldn't attend a wedding (or even a dinner in someone's home) without a gift of some sort. If you are so bothered by a request for money, I would suggest you don't attend. I would rather give cash I know is appreciated than a 'gorgeous' (in my opinion) gift that could be a waste of my hard earned cash.

Original poster
WhatsHoppening · 29/04/2022 12:56

I have no issue at all giving friends cash for wedding gifts especially those who really appreciate the money to have a nicer honeymoon/whatever they want to spend it on. In this situation because I know money isn’t an issue although an extra £100 is never a bad thing I would rather get them something a bit more special. I appreciate my taste won’t be the same as everyone’s etc. if I do get the gift of course I’ll get a gift receipt and I’ll also tell her if she wants to return it completely and I’ll just give her the cash that’s fine too.

OP posts:
Minimalme · 29/04/2022 12:58

I would give the gift op.

No one has the right to demand anything from anyone else and most guest will be relieved to give cash because it is a quick win.

If you have found something they'd love then you are giving something more personal and valuable than money.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 29/04/2022 12:59

Erictheavocado · 29/04/2022 12:49

I don't understand why people get so upset about cash requests. When I married , it was normal that wedding gifts were given to help set up the couple's first home. It was also acceptable to have a list of preferred items, or product ranges so that you could build up a good quality set of crockery, pans etc.
Now that so many couples are already living together, it makes sense that they wouldn't need the same items as I did. Cash is much more sensible and can be used to uplevel items, or buy a bigger priced item rather than 15 electric knives. If you don't want to give a gift, fair enough, but I wouldn't attend a wedding (or even a dinner in someone's home) without a gift of some sort. If you are so bothered by a request for money, I would suggest you don't attend. I would rather give cash I know is appreciated than a 'gorgeous' (in my opinion) gift that could be a waste of my hard earned cash.

this reads like a copy and paste response from a totally different thread.

Crankley · 29/04/2022 13:41

You should give what's asked for

You don't appear to understand the concept of receiving gifts. It's to receive a gift with thanks, not demand what you want.

Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 13:44

We had a wedding list as we were pretty young and needed house stuff. Some absolute bellend (who also interrupted the speech at the wedding to be funny and clever 🙃) bought something off piste. It was horrible and also just annoyed me. If people are requesting something specific just get what they are asking for!

Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 13:46

You don't appear to understand the concept of receiving gifts. It's to receive a gift with thanks, not demand what you want

it’s not a birthday gift. Wedding gift etiquette is that the couples make a request so they don’t end up with 5 toasters or whatever. And these days lots of couples live together so want cash instead.

the only time I went against getting what the couple wanted was recently when they wanted money for the Ukraine war and we had already given money for that and also had paid 1k plus to travel for the wedding so didn’t feel obligated to contribute. But even then I still feel a bit bad about it

Doidontimmm · 29/04/2022 13:49

Is it a decorative or practical gift? Practical ie kitchen stuff that you can have more than one of us not as bad as it’s at least useful, however decorative is another story and you are giving them something they are forced to display, what if they change colour schemes etc? I’d just find that annoying. They may not even use all the money for the honeymoon, they may buy something to remember the day themselves.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 29/04/2022 13:51

I'd do what a PP suggested and actually show the item to your friend so she and her OH can decide if they want it. Like others, we had a load of tat/ things we could not use given by people who went off piste and we genuinely would rather they'd given us nothing than waste the world's resources like that. We could see what their gesture was meant to achieve but it was the wrong choice to make.

Squillerman · 29/04/2022 14:07

I’d do both if you can afford to. If not, just the cash because that’s what they’ve specifically asked for and it’s rude to go against that imo.

opensunflower · 30/04/2022 13:11

PIL love to buy us stuff for our house. It
Infuriates me. We have very different tastes. When we moved house, we'd have
Loved money or a voucher

they also commissioned a painting for us which i loathe

It's such a waste of their money

Anyway, the point is, cash is best

CorsicaDreaming · 30/04/2022 13:42

@opensunflower - but not if it is your best friend whose known you for years and probably has similar tastes.

I'd far rather have a carefully chosen gift from them, but money from people who do not know me well.

katseyes7 · 30/04/2022 13:44

When we (my ex and l) got married over 30 years ago, we'd lived together for four years. We had a house and more or less everything we needed. We were paying for most of the wedding ourselves.
We asked for cash, and stated the reason why (it was an old house and desperately needed a new kitchen). We'd rather have had £5 towards that than a £20 present we didn't need.
Most people gave us cash/cheques. A couple gave us presents. One toaster (we already had one) and a set of pink towels. Our bathroom was lemon and white. So the towels never got used. We found a good home for them, though. They were nice, and good quality. We gave them to someone who was just starting out.

TeaBug · 30/04/2022 14:51

If there's no mention of gifts on the invitation I give £100. If they ask for cash I give them £50

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/04/2022 14:58

Like others, we had a load of tat/ things we could not use given by people who went off piste and we genuinely would rather they'd given us nothing than waste the world's resources like that.

Please.

Trying to appear holier than thou when were just annoyed at not having some notes plonked in your palm.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/04/2022 14:59

I always give cash as everyone likes it and it saves me having to shop, but I can see why some people get annoyed with the 'give us cash' crowd.