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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a gift when they’ve asked for cash? (Wedding)

144 replies

WhatsHoppening · 28/04/2022 21:59

Best friends wedding soon. I’ve found a gorgeous gift from Anthropologie that I think she/her partner would love. They’ve asked for ££ for the honeymoon (no hate as everyone we know does that and that’s fine!) but when DH and I got married we got a few lovely homeware items which I love using and bring back fond memories and I hope this would do the same.
AIBU? Cost is slightly less than what I’d generally give in cash.

OP posts:
Imsittinginthekitchensink · 28/04/2022 23:53

OP, I did exactly what you suggested. My best friend did the cash towards honeymoon request but I found the perfect thing I knew they'd love and got that instead. My £x amount towards the honeymoon would not have been the deciding amount - they were going anyway, the cash from guests was just put against their intended holiday. The item I bought, they still have in their living room 18 years on, so I clearly chose well;)

WrongWayApricot · 28/04/2022 23:55

Why can't you just give the gift on a different occasion, birthday, Christmas, anniversary, just saw it and thought of you gift?

Vivi0 · 29/04/2022 00:04

LoveAllCakes · 28/04/2022 22:37

I had two weddings last year, both family and asked for cash. Bought them both gifts. The phrase we want your presence not presents followed by a request for cash did it for me.

Spite presents! 🤣

I will NEVER understand this mentality.

SkankingWombat · 29/04/2022 00:06

If it's your BF then I think it's OK to get the gift as you'll know if it really is something they'd love. You are doing it because you've seen something perfect, rather than going on a search for a gift because you object to cash.

FWIW we didn't want or need anything (we both had lived alone previously so already had 2 of everything!), but people asked so for most we said spending money for our honeymoon if they felt they must give us a gift. A few close friends/family we asked for something towards the wedding itself eg my DSiL to make our cake and a good friend to drive the wedding vehicle. Everyone except my cousin (who I'm not close to) was happy with this. He insisted on a physical gift and we got a huge designer glass cake stand. We neither wanted nor needed it. It takes up an inordinate amount of cupboard space, which makes me irate every time I see it or have to empty half the cupboard to get past it, and has been used twice in the 10yrs we've been married. But because it was an expensive wedding gift, I feel guilted into keeping this thing gathering dust. I'm very glad I didn't have 50 such gifts!
TLDR: if you insist on a wrapped gift, just be very sure they genuinely will want it. Or at the very least, it is something small!

melcalfe · 29/04/2022 00:07

They have plenty of money and have asked for cash as they don’t really have any need for a gift list.

How crass of you. It's not for you to decide how much money they have.

Give them what they asked for. oh I really don't like people insisting their taste onto me. You might think it's beautiful they might find it's hideous.

Ozgirl75 · 29/04/2022 00:08

I like giving money/gift list as I know I can’t go wrong but I also loved having presents at our wedding. It was ages ago though so people didn’t do the asking for money thing.
The annoying thing is when you have a list and people go off list. We had a few photo frames on ours, nice, normal price etc and some of DH’s aunts bought us “off list” frames which weren’t to our taste and we just never used. Never understood if they were trying to make a point or something but it was a shame as they totally wasted their money and also made us think they were a bit odd.
However if it’s a close friend you’ll know what she likes.

melcalfe · 29/04/2022 00:08

Why not just tell her that you've seen something that you think she'd love and would she mind if you got her that instead of cash, but if she'd really prefer the cash then that's ok? You don't have to tell her what the gift is, just ask in principle.

Then it puts her in an awkward position when she says 'thank you, but I would still prefer cash', and like she's a bad person.

Just give her what she asked for.

Galwayg · 29/04/2022 00:10

We’re getting married this year and although pretty much everyone would prefer cash for like, any present ever 🤔 I do always feel like it’s cheeky to ask for it. We got an invite in the other day and it was a big long-winded poem basically saying give us your money but referring to it as ‘pennies’. Let’s face it, it’s not pennies you’re after 😂 It does kind of become like, they invite you and pay for your dinner and you just pay them back for it.

I don’t think I can bring myself to ask for cash on our invites 🙈 I think if they’ve asked for it though you kind of have to

PinkSyCo · 29/04/2022 04:14

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time on here OP. If, as you say, your friends have plenty of money I’m sure they would appreciate a lovely thoughtful gift from you.

Vikinga · 29/04/2022 04:45

Well, I think it makes much more sense to ask for cash than for stuff that they don't want or need! Now that most couples live together before marriage, they have most things anyway. And as much as I love my friends and the kindness and thought behind their presents to me, most of them are not things I want or use.

I am fussy. I have everything and with kids in the house I really don't want any more stuff.

To the person who bought gifts out of spite what a bloody stupid thing to do. When I give something, I want to give people what they want.

And it isn't vulgar. We're killing the planet with stuff. We don't need all this stuff so don't bloody buy stuff if the recipient has clearly stated they don't want/need anything.

EllaVaNight · 29/04/2022 05:27

LoveAllCakes
I had two weddings last year, both family and asked for cash. Bought them both gifts. The phrase we want your presence not presents followed by a request for cash did it for me. Why do people try and make other people's presents about themselves or some kind of statement? Why would you prefer to waste your own money instead of giving someone something they'll use? I haven't been married so haven't asked for cash but when people do all I think is it's a relief not having to look for a present and not knowing if they'll enjoy it.

LetHimHaveIt · 29/04/2022 05:34

Gosh - a particularly loopy few hours on Mumsnet: how fun. The new site, or something in the water? 'Some friend you are' was probably the jolliest.

They're not hard-up, OP, and they have everything they need - so asking for cash was probably a shot across the bows to prevent toasters and blenders. But a 'gift'-gift from Anthropologie sounds great. Go ahead. I don't think she'll block and delete.

violetanemone · 29/04/2022 05:41

I recently got married and we mostly got cash, but would have been happy with a gift or two.

I do think it's hard to choose homeware for other people though, as it's so personal, so be careful.

It's awful to receive homeware items you don't really want as they have little value once 'second hand' and you can't really do a lot with them other than give them to charity (and also have the awkward 'oh, where did you put X?' when the guest comes round).

houseargh · 29/04/2022 05:45

Totally depends on them, which only you can know. I'm getting married soon with a honeymoon registry rather than gift registry but if a friend did this I'd be fine and probably quite enjoy having something to open.

violetanemone · 29/04/2022 05:46

LoveAllCakes · 28/04/2022 22:37

I had two weddings last year, both family and asked for cash. Bought them both gifts. The phrase we want your presence not presents followed by a request for cash did it for me.

Sorry but this is a very strange mentality. Are you buying a gift out of spite? Why not just not get anything?

We put on our wedding invite that we don't need anything at all and were very happy just to have them attend the wedding, but would prefer cash if people wanted to get us gifts.

We didn't need any more 'stuff' and the world certainly doesn't need more manufactured crap that isn't going to be used.

Genuinely didn't care whether or not people gave us anything or not, but we knew that many people would want to, and it is actually helpful to give a bit of direction so people don't feel they are buying you pointless rubbish.

hidethetoaster · 29/04/2022 05:46

YANBU
Definitely give the gift
You're her best friend. She will smile every time she looks at it. Sure will love that you know her taste and picked something for her and her DH

x2boys · 29/04/2022 05:46

ShirleyPhallus · 28/04/2022 22:22

I love these threads because someone always comes on and says how vulgar it is to ask for cash and they couldnt possibly give that, so instead they found a perfect engraved cheeseboard / wedding photo frame / something else naff that no one actually wants

So I’m just here for that really

🤣🤣 very true

Doidontimmm · 29/04/2022 05:48

What happens though if everyone buys them something they have seen they think they will love and they end up with little cash and cupboards full of stuff?

im getting married in a few weeks and have said no gifts as we don’t like lots of clutter and I’m dreading being given things I’m going to feel I have to display or use. I’d really prefer nothing or a card to keep as we asked for.

The sad thing is people will think I love their gifts as I will pretend even if I don’t!!

just give the cash!

ThettaReddast · 29/04/2022 05:53

You’re the gift giver, you get to choose what to give. You know her better than anyone on here so if you think she’ll love the gift, and that’s what you want to give her then do it.

Ducksinthebath · 29/04/2022 06:11

One of my best friend bought us some lovely homeware as a gift. Unfortunately my godmother also bought almost exactly the same thing, as did several other people. So lovely as they are, and as much as are going to keep them and appreciate the thought behind them, the reality is most will never see the light of day and are just something we now have to store forever.

When people ask for cash, most of the time it’s because they’ve been asked ‘what can I get you?’ several times already and genuinely don’t need anything. Or they might be the frugal type who would never justify a big trip on their own savings but might be able with a gift. It’s not necessarily greed.

StoppinBy · 29/04/2022 06:22

Most people will love the idea of not having to think about what to get them so give them cash, I am sure they will get plenty.

If you think they will love the gift you have chosen, get it and don't think twice about it.

They have likely asked for cash because they don't really need anything but a thoughtful gift from you I am sure will be cherished.

WhereIsMyBrain · 29/04/2022 06:39

They’re your friends, OP. Do what you think they’d like. A request (whether for cash or a gift list) isn’t a demand.

some very odd responses on this thread.

Original poster
WhatsHoppening · 29/04/2022 06:46

WrongWayApricot · 28/04/2022 23:55

Why can't you just give the gift on a different occasion, birthday, Christmas, anniversary, just saw it and thought of you gift?

It’s a lot more than I’d ever spend on her usually! Birthdays we just do card and a dinner out together we don’t do gifts so there’s no real other time I’d give it really. It’s an enormous wedding so they will get loads of cash and as I said they don’t need it (honeymoon booked and paid for, loads of cash in the bank). I’ll have a think thank you all for your range of responses though!

OP posts: