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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a gift when they’ve asked for cash? (Wedding)

144 replies

WhatsHoppening · 28/04/2022 21:59

Best friends wedding soon. I’ve found a gorgeous gift from Anthropologie that I think she/her partner would love. They’ve asked for ££ for the honeymoon (no hate as everyone we know does that and that’s fine!) but when DH and I got married we got a few lovely homeware items which I love using and bring back fond memories and I hope this would do the same.
AIBU? Cost is slightly less than what I’d generally give in cash.

OP posts:
Nelliephant1 · 28/04/2022 22:43

Why not just tell her that you've seen something that you think she'd love and would she mind if you got her that instead of cash, but if she'd really prefer the cash then that's ok? You don't have to tell her what the gift is, just ask in principle.

You're far from being unreasonable or a bad friend, there's some odd ones loose on MN tonight 😏😄

Themintwiththehole · 28/04/2022 22:47

The way I see it is that there are all categories of people at a wedding, close friends, relatives you're fond of but don't see that often, your fiancé 's work colleagues that you've never actually met etc etc. For the people who barely know you giving money is pretty sensible because they would have little chance of buying something to your taste. But this is the OP's best friend ffs. Of course you should buy the happy couple a lovely gift if you know you've found something they'd love. And I'm sure they'll treasure it.

MadKittenWoman · 28/04/2022 22:48

Do both.

GroggyLegs · 28/04/2022 22:49

Its your best mate.
You know the answer to this.
What kind of person are they?

BiscuitLover3678 · 28/04/2022 22:50

I had a few friends do this - give a gift when we asked for money. We didn’t take it too personally and wondered if maybe it felt less awkward as we didn’t know the monetary value. It was actually nice to have a few gifts too as it was only a few people.

If she was a really good friend I’d personally do both.

SquirrelG · 28/04/2022 22:57

I think it's a lovely idea OP - and she's YOUR best friend, so you will have a far better idea than randoms on MN as to whether it is something she will love or not. I would cherish something my bf gave me as a wedding gift (actually I am looking at what she gave me now - and my wedding was 32 years ago).

NannyGythaOgg · 28/04/2022 22:58

With my best friend, I would talk to them.

I would tell her that I have found this amazing gift that I am sure she (and her partner) will love and and I would love to give it to them as a wedding present. Would she be happy to receive this surprise gift or would she prefer the cash. I would also add that, should I be wrong and they don't like it, I would be happy for them (or me) to return it and give them the cash instead

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 28/04/2022 23:00

I think it's a lovely idea OP. I would get the gift

StoneofDestiny · 28/04/2022 23:04

I'm in the 'asking for cash' is vulgar group. You know her best, and as a very close friend, will probably get it right. Tell her you are keen to buy a gift and see what she says.

Alliswells · 28/04/2022 23:04

Posters on this thread are bonkers. The OP isn't actually obliged to give a gift or money. But she has seen something nice and thinks the bride would love it. And she remembers how nice it was to receive a wedding gift herself and wants the bride to feel that too.

So because she wants to buy the bride a present some posters are saying some friend you are!

OP for our wedding we received a mix of gifts and money. The money was certainly appreciated at the time but there are presents we got that I still use and remember who gave it to us. Makes me smile.

Op I think it's lovey you have put the thought into this gift and I can't believe some of the responses you've got here.

Chilesstanton · 28/04/2022 23:09

Could you ask her without spoiling what the gift would be?

Talipesmum · 28/04/2022 23:10

If you know your best friend and you’re really confident she’d like it, I’d def go for the present. I love that shop. If you’re worried, maybe just ask her “I’ve seen something I think you’d love, homewares thing - but happy to do honeymoon cash instead?”

I had one Xmas where I said to people “please nothing for our house, we are trying to declutter” but my sister found the most gorgeous bowls she knew I’d love and checked with DH for permission which he “granted” cos he knew she wouldn’t ask if she wasn’t sure. Love those bowls!

Talipesmum · 28/04/2022 23:11

Also at our wedding we did have a gift list, but some people went off list and I really like all those things 15 years later.

florianfortescue · 28/04/2022 23:15

Get the present and give it with a gift receipt. If they're that desperate for the cash they can return it. I am sure they won't want to though!

Hutchy16 · 28/04/2022 23:16

ShirleyPhallus · 28/04/2022 22:22

I love these threads because someone always comes on and says how vulgar it is to ask for cash and they couldnt possibly give that, so instead they found a perfect engraved cheeseboard / wedding photo frame / something else naff that no one actually wants

So I’m just here for that really

This made me giggle more than it should have I think.

I didn’t need gifts or money but I didn’t dare ask for cash in case I looked rude…funny what we worry about.

turns out my mum told all my family anyway, so it worked a treat lol. But I 💯 don’t mind when people tell me they want money, yet worried about what people would think if I asked for it…mad

DeeplyMovingExperience · 28/04/2022 23:17

Just had to do exactly this. Would much rather have sent a lovely gift - a real keeper - something that stays with you. For example the fantastic pair of silver tablespoons that I use every day, now 30+ years later.

But they asked for cash. So we did that into the virtual portal pot thing. Felt a bit sad about it but modern times, eh?

Hutchy16 · 28/04/2022 23:18

I’m interested, but not sure I would ever find out, if it is a generational thing, like are certain groups in the ‘it’s vulgar’ category as opposed to the ‘it’s fine’

Hutchy16 · 28/04/2022 23:20

DeeplyMovingExperience · 28/04/2022 23:17

Just had to do exactly this. Would much rather have sent a lovely gift - a real keeper - something that stays with you. For example the fantastic pair of silver tablespoons that I use every day, now 30+ years later.

But they asked for cash. So we did that into the virtual portal pot thing. Felt a bit sad about it but modern times, eh?

Virtual pot? So they didn’t even get you to hand them a card with money in it…that’s a weird one for me

CorsicaDreaming · 28/04/2022 23:21

I'd definitely give the gift I had chosen if it was my best friend. Money is fine from random relatives/more casual friends - but a gift is much more personal.

I agree I'm still very fond of gifts I was given as wedding presents - especially the really thoughtful personal ones.

Sunnytwobridges · 28/04/2022 23:21

OP I get it. Cash is so impersonal. But in this case I would give them what they ask for. Honestly I'd prefer something more personal like a gift, but I'd rather know they were happy with the cash than disappointed with a gift I gave them that's not their style (unless you know for sure she would love it of course)

Xmasbaby11 · 28/04/2022 23:23

She's your best friend so you know her taste well and should be confident at giving her a gift. I'd definitely give her the gift, especially as you say she has enough money.

BarnacleNora · 28/04/2022 23:29

We asked for honeymoon money as we were living together and really couldn't come up with an entire lists worth of house stuff. We made it personalised by getting guests to 'buy' us different experiences eg tickets to a certain museum, a meal at a restaurant we wanted to visit etc so that people still felt they were contributing in a meaningful way rather than just doing a bank transfer.

That being said, my closest thing I've got to grandparents didn't do this and bought instead a beautiful hand carved wooden bowl (about fruit bowl sized). It's lovely and gets filled with little lights at Christmas and always reminds me of them. Even more special now that my 'grandad' has recently died.

I certainly didn't feel resentful that they'd chosen to do that rather than contribute to the honeymoon, just as I didn't mind if anyone didn't bring or contribute a present or money at all. I wanted a wedding to share a special day with the people I loved, not to count up how many presents I got. I assumed that if they didn't gift me anything that the cost of attending had cost them enough and that was absolutely fine with me and I was grateful they were able to spend that to do so.

The marriage, as it happens, didn't last. But the love and joy I felt from all my friends and family on that day still remains a very happy memory and I still love my bowl because it was given by people I care about very much

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 28/04/2022 23:37

My best friends know me better than I know myself and can always find something I love even when i don't know if it's what I would want.

You know your best friend. Would she like it?
Would she feel the loss of not getting cash? We asked for cash but only because we couldnt afford a honeymoon and that's what we wanted!

Bagadverts · 28/04/2022 23:37

I see no problem asking for money if there is a way that you could put in a pot without the couple knowing what you gave individually. (Also option for them to know amount). better that than getting things that you don’t need. Yes you may like them but may not have space.

@WhatsHoppening If you exchange gifts at Christmas or birthdays is it something you could get and put aside for later and cash for wedding?

if not ask whether she would mind.

not for the OP but I think there is an issue of saying buy a present if you are a close friend. Depending on your friendship group at the time you may feel closer to the bride/groom than they do to you.

Staffy1 · 28/04/2022 23:52

Give the gift if you think it’s something they would love. Everyone else will be giving cash, so it’s not like they won’t get any.