Returning gift to giver - is this ever ok?

[Noname1999]

I gave a gift to someone who didn't like it and gave it back to me. The gift wasn't anything they were allergic to/goes against their beliefs/offensive/they aren't on a diet. It was in the same family is things they like a lot and use all the time

I think it's really rude to return a gift. Don't you just regift it/let your co-workers/children have it/send it to the charity shop as appropriate?

AIBU?

YABU - It's ok to return a gift if you don't like it
YANBU - It's never ok to return a gift

I think it is one of the rudest and most hurtful things you can do.

I agree with this and I don't think 'hurtful' is an over-reach at all, depending on the manner of handing back.

If it's a "Great minds - but I already have one of these, they're fab!" or "Oh, it's lovely, but I think I'd need to exchange it for the next size up/down" reaction, that's an entirely different scenario to just shaking your head and passing it back with "No, I don't like/want this" or just no comment at all.

Although the gift should primarily be for the recipient's benefit, it's also strongly linked to the giver in their relationship to you and an indication of the choice that they have specifically made with you in mind. There are some great gifts that you'd love if your spouse or mum gave them to you, but you which would be really weird (if not downright creepy) from your colleague or great uncle Ernest.

Unless somebody has sent you an Amazon link or otherwise given a very specific request of what they want, if you've had agency in selecting the gift, it is a reflection of you, which is hurtful to have thrown right back in your face.

*different scenario to

different scenario FROM

When I was a lot younger, I had a friend who occasionally gave me a lift to work. I didn't expect it, if she was passing she would just call and collect me. No pressure.

She had been a bit off with me for a while when I bought her a gift for the lifts, just some chocs I knew she liked and some smellies. She just gave me them back saying "I don't want them" in a very abrupt tone. I tried again and she was really nasty with me and this was in front of an office full of my colleagues. I knew then our friendship was over and she had found my replacement. They also fell out and she left not long afterwards. I never knew what I had done wrong but I still think back on it now.

To the pp who bought her bf's mum a scarf and she handed it back, well you dodged a bullet there. What a horrible woman, sounds like my former colleague.

@tootiredtoocare

None of that makes sense.
You bought clothes she didn't like, she hinted she'd prefer whisky, you changed what you were buying for everyday toiletries she still didn't like, but still not whisky.

She got the message that you were hurt at her giving stuff away.
So started politely shoving them in a cupboard.
Then you got hurt when you eventually found them.

would it not have been better to ask what she wanted, I'm assuming there wasn't an alcohol issue.

It’s almost inconceivably rude, in my view. I’m sure we've all had gifts we don’t especially like, but you behave politely, thank the giver and then dispose of it as you see fit. Charity shops have done very well out of me over the years remembers hideous vase from SIL that needs to go

But if you accept it graciously, the giver might think that it's just the sort of thing you like and give you more of the same in future.

Examples I can think of are the right item of clothing in the wrong size or colour, or a box of chocolates containing nuts if the recipient can't eat nuts, or on seeing a fine ceramic ornament of an animal in your house, another ornament of the same type of animal

We did try that with SIL, the main offender in our family.

She always, always bought things from M & S for DM that were the wrong size or colour, or were just hideous. Finally I politely suggested she ask for a gift receipt going forwards so 'if' there was a problem I could exchange, knowing I always would.

But because she’s an idiot she ignored the request, so at DM’s urging I just quietly took the gifts straight to the charity shop as soon as they opened after Christmas. We both knew if she’d handed them back and asked SIL to do it she’d have been a) mortally offended and b) the items would never have been seen or heard of again.

OK if the person is reasonable but sometimes it’s just easier all round.

Some buy gifts that they think the recipient should like. Whether or not the recipient actually likes it or wants it doesn't seem to come into it

I give things that I hope the recipient will at least like a lot. If not, i'd rather know

@KirstenBlest

I think you are probably hitting on part of the reason why I'd treat the "occasional gift" differently to regular gifts.

By occasional I mean things like wedding gifts, new baby gifts, big birthdays, the sort of events where you get gifts from people who wouldn't normally buy you stuff.
I think it would be extremely rude to reject them (yes I might be tempted to quietly 🤫 exchange at the shop if I could)

But I think people should be able to speak up about regular Christmas gifts and birthdays. It certainly doesn't make sense to bung those things in the back of a cupboard or for them the land in the charity shop bag on boxing day. Only to get a very similar thing the next year.

That said for regular gifts I tend to ask what the person wants. And tbh we drew the line on siblings gifts as soon as the last sibling had a child.

@Dinoteeth there isn't an alcohol problem. There would be, if we bought her whiskey. My comment was probably out of context in that you need to know my MIL to understand why it was both frustrating and a bit hurtful.

@tootiredtoocare, I understand that's what I meant was there a reason why the whisky was avoided.

I'm not precious with this stuff. I'd rather my money wasn't wasted, and that the recipient got something they actually wanted.

It’s not the “done” thing, and it sounds odd in your situation. But in general I think it’s ridiculous to take offence at a gift being returned unless you have reason to think the return is intended in a mean way.

My best friend is very generous but often slightly misses the mark with gifts. I often get prosecco that I really don't like and have received some lovely jewellery but in silver and I only wear gold.
I thank her and move on, DH says I should tell her. I hate receiving gifts now and I end regifting a lot so it seems completely wasteful.

Awful. My brother does this when my mum offers him things to help him out when he was moaning he had nothing to move in with, she bought him bits and bobs he returned then saying he didn't like them or didn't need them. Told him off and said smile, take them be gracious say thank you then hide away. It's so rude if we get given gifts I am always very grateful then leave it a bit and store in garage. Takes nothing to be nice.

I would never give back a gift - in almost every circumstance I would thank them profusely, do my very best to act like I loved it, and if I already owned it conceal that fact. I would also try to ensure they saw me using it at least once.
One possible exception is if it was the wrong size, I’d let them know I wanted to exchange it for the correct size.
Giving a gift isn’t really about giving someone something they need, it’s about showing respect and affection.
How fortunate to be in a position where someone cares about you enough to choose you a gift. Why throw that back in their face?
Plus, buying a good gift is difficult enough without it being rejected!
So YANBU - I think it was extremely rude.
I would say though - for Christmas go the secret Santa route. So much better as you don’t end up with lots of unwanted gifts, and can really put your energy into one thing. My family started doing it a few years ago and never looked back!

*I would never give back a gift - in almost every circumstance I would thank them profusely, do my very best to act like I loved it, and if I already owned it conceal that fact. I would also try to ensure they saw me using it at least once.

Giving a gift isn’t really about giving someone something they need, it’s about showing respect and affection.*

That goes both ways doesn’t it? How is it respectful and affectionate to lie and pretend you like someone’s gift and it likely leading them to continue to buy a gift that they are essentially wasting their money and time to get because you couldn’t be respectful enough to tell them the truth.

I will also add that not everyone has the space whether in their home or in their head to put or deal with an unwanted gift.

I rather someone be truthful so I can get them something they actually like or enjoy instead of a fake song and dance.

No one has ever bought me the same gift continually! I would imagine that is a rare circumstance. If someone continually struggled to get me a gift I liked, I would instead suggest that we both went out for lunch together in future instead of buying presents, as it’s something we could both enjoy. In fact, I do that with my best friend as we agree that we both prefer that.
But then, I am not in a position where I am constantly showered with so many gifts that they fill up my house! So even if I don’t like a gift, I still feel grateful and appreciate the thought behind it.
I don’t see how a white lie to show gratitude is disrespectful.
I would be hurt if someone returned a gift to me because they didn’t like it, so I would never do that to someone else.

But I think people should be able to speak up about regular Christmas gifts and birthdays. It certainly doesn't make sense to bung those things in the back of a cupboard or for them the land in the charity shop bag on boxing day. Only to get a very similar thing the next year.

100% "speak up" to those you know you will be getting a present from next birthday, next Christmas, then the year after, and the year after that etc etc. But that doesn't involve giving them the thing they have given you back.
You give notice some time before the next event that this year, you "are hoping that everyone will give you a small amount of money towards 'X' that you are hoping to buy".....or ..... "you seem to have developed a bit of an intolerance to some fragrances so can folk not buy you any of that this time" ...... or ......as poster above ......."You have decided you are not wearing silver anymore - you realise gold is too pricey but wonder if {friend} might get you an 'X' instead" .....or..... you are hoping to start doing some work on the garden so wonder if people might get you plants / tools / vouchers this year" etc etc etc ....... or, of course, direct them to your Amazon list.

We've given back kitchen gadgets to PIL. I think that's ok as we are we are close to them. They give us stuff fairly frequently and we need to train them not to give us stuff that clutters our house and is a waste of money. I think they perceive our kitchen to be much bigger than theirs, so we must have space for an infinite amount of tat, but actually our cupboards are really full already.

I have a relative who is truly dreadful at presents, making suggestions for inexpensive items that I would love to receive resulted in 'You'll get what you are given' and I was given expensive tat that I had no use for

Some people are clueless.. A boyfriend was intent on buying me a breadmaker. When I said I don't eat bread, he said I might if I had a breadmaker.

I was once given a shoulder bag as a gift because the giver had noticed I didn't have one. I don't use one because I don't like using one

Another relative has a friend who buys her an ornament from the same range for every birthday and christmas. The collection is now huge and relative diidn't want to collect them. She should have spoken up about 25 years sgo

When (much much) younger I had a boss who turned out to be particularly unpleasant. When I resigned she gave me a gift and card. I dashed the unopened card in the recycle bin in her office and placed the unopened gift on her desk. She was furious. I did not say a word and I never looked back.
Rude on my part yes - but.....

Wish i could hand back al the shit i have been given as gifts over the years

I don't have the nerve

@opensunflower I don't think I would have the nerve today either - sadly!