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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Returning gift to giver - is this ever ok?

149 replies

Noname1999 · 28/04/2022 20:43

I gave a gift to someone who didn't like it and gave it back to me. The gift wasn't anything they were allergic to/goes against their beliefs/offensive/they aren't on a diet. It was in the same family is things they like a lot and use all the time

I think it's really rude to return a gift. Don't you just regift it/let your co-workers/children have it/send it to the charity shop as appropriate?

AIBU?

YABU - It's ok to return a gift if you don't like it
YANBU - It's never ok to return a gift

OP posts:
ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 06:20

Depends why. I just put the gift receipt in if its clothes or something like that.

What was it and why did they give it back?

KangarooKenny · 29/04/2022 06:21

I think it is, so that you can get your money back, and you’ll know not to buy something similar again !

ShirleyPhallus · 29/04/2022 06:23

Hadtochangenameforthis · 29/04/2022 05:47

Changed name as usual name would be outing to gift giver who is on group. I’m the recipient in this sort of situation and have never said a thing despite hating the gifts.

I have a close relative who keeps giving me gifts I won’t use either because they’re not my taste, don’t fit in with my lifestyle or I don’t have the relevant component parts for them to be useful - think party crockery for someone who never has guests, clothes that are way off base style wise or jewellery when don’t wear any. But, crucially, they ARE things the giver has and enjoys receiving.

Its got so bad that the last couple of years worth of birthday/Christmas gifts haven’t even been opened as the packaging gives away exactly what they are and they’re things that aren’t wanted or useable without an expensive base unit that I don’t have, don’t want and couldn’t afford even if I did want it. They will sit in a box gathering dust until the world ends and giver will never know - and they will probably keep buying the same line of gifts as, for the “right” person, they’re the perfect easy gift (to the point of being minimum thought presents). I just wish they wouldn’t bother wasting what is a pretty significant amount of money every time and would prefer no gift to a “no thought” gift.

Sorry - that ended up as a long rant🙁

Why don’t you just tell them you don’t want to exchange presents any more as you have enough stuff / trying to do a no-waste Christmas / low cost Christmas etc?

Username20000 · 29/04/2022 06:30

I returned a bracelet I was given. I was allergic to the metal and told a friend. She said the gifter had liked it so much she was going to keep it and suggested I could give it back. I thought perhaps it was rude but it seemed a shame I had something I could not wear and the gifter really liked it. So I gave it back said how much I loved it but could not wear it. I heard she wanted it ect. Said lots of thank you's, I made it clear the gift was lovely.

Then a week later she Surprised me with another gift because she felt bad. I think I had offended her too, which made me sad because that was not my intention. The replacement gift was a garden ornament which I hated but I told her I loved it. I left it in the garden so she could see it for years. But I did see her wear the bracelet fairly often so I think it was right to give it back. I could possibly have waited a while then said every time I wear it I get a rash would she like it back. To soften it a bit.

Thefaroeislands · 29/04/2022 06:43

Pretty much everything that MIL buys us goes straight to a charity shop……but I don’t tell her and as we don’t see them often she doesn’t realise the DC never wear the clothes.

WhatNoRaisins · 29/04/2022 06:44

I think there might be circumstances where it's not unreasonable like the stalker ex or someone who gifts a bin bag worth of tat knowing that you haven't space for any more clutter.

In general though it's very rude.

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 06:48

I do think it's rude but then I think a lot of people would also find it rude if they found it had been returned or exchanged or regifted.

You can't win if you receive a crap gift.

londonrach · 29/04/2022 06:49

I returned a present a friend gave my daughter..it was a camera and didn't work. Didn't tell her but she asked DD. DD said doesn't work and friend asked for it back so it could be returned to Amazon. I felt awful as never return a gift but friend got DD something else which I didn't expect

Longingforatikihut · 29/04/2022 06:50

Oh no. I return/refuse gifts all the time. Mainly because everyone buys me chocolate and wine but I don't drink and need to lose weight. I try to be gracious but now I guess people must think I'm rude.

donquixotedelamancha · 29/04/2022 06:57

RedskyThisNight · 28/04/2022 20:51

I think this is another thing that depends on your attitude to gift buying.

If you think the point of a gift is for the benefit of the receiver, then I see no issue in returning something you don't want/can't use to the person who gave it to you especially, if they are someone who is close to you.

If you consider that a gift is social nicety and as much for the giver's benefit as the receipient's then clearly the recipient must say how much they love it, thank the giver profusely and then wonder what on earth they do with it.

You've probably guessed that I am in the first camp. More people seem to be in the second camp which is why I generally ask people not to give me stuff unless they are 100% sure I really want it.

Yep, I'm with PP here. What's the point of buying a gift someone doesn't want? Might as well find out the truth and return it.

Snowballtorch · 29/04/2022 07:01

Very rude!

I was once given a small shoulder bag by a friend for my birthday and few months later I was grilled by them as to why they hadn't seen me use it. I was a bit surprised by such a blunt and awkward question, though ended up explaining that whilst it was beautiful, I already had a (much larger) daily bag, which was more practical for me day to day, with two small children.

They then asked for the gift back!! Though I never saw them use it either. 🤣

There were no hard feelings, but I was very bemused.

CircesLion · 29/04/2022 07:36

My mother buys me weird shit. So weird, you just wouldn’t believe it.

She’s also incredibly hurt and offended if I give any hint that I dislike these bizarre objets d’horreur.

My mother is also in her 70s and not very “with it” so I just grin and bear it as, if she doesn’t know me by now, no amount of steering through the rejection of these gifts will ever be of any benefit.

IsabelHerna · 29/04/2022 08:07

I would have to agree with you, returning is really rude!

oliviastwisted · 29/04/2022 08:16

I think returning is rude. I think that is a bit of an unwritten social rule there.

When a person gives a gift it costs them time and energy. Even if you don’t like the gift surely a person can respect another person’s time, thought and energy and money they put into getting it for them and respect that even if not loving the gift. I think most people would find it hurtful and a snub to have a gift returned to them. I would want to avoid that scenario to consider the other persons feelings so I would deal with the unwanted gift in another way.

Original poster
Noname1999 · 29/04/2022 08:32

No, it wasn't for my mum.

It was basically nice chocolates from a shop that the gift returner loves chocolates from. She said she didn't like them and handed them back.

I'm really surprised as this person has a serious sweet tooth and eats chocolates everyday. She's also gladly received chocolates in the past. She is thin and it was a small box of chocolates so I don't think it could have been viewed as a passive aggressive slight. She's an oversharer, so if she was on a diet/had heath issues/suddenly disliked chocolate everyone would know and I would assume she would have told me that was one of the reasons when she handed them back.

Oh well, if I need to give her a gift going forward it'll be a gift card of some sort.

OP posts:
RedskyThisNight · 29/04/2022 08:32

Those who think returning is rude - why?

If it's someone who spent a long time buying you something they thought you would love and you actually hate it, why wouldn't you tell them? Particularly if they are just going to keep on buying you similar presents in the future. If they care about you wouldnt' they rather get you a gift you actually like, rather than one they merely think you like? It's because I do respect their time, money and energy that I would rather it was spent on something worthwhile!

stuntbubbles · 29/04/2022 08:39

Were they just generic chocolates or she only likes dark and you got milk, or she likes the gingers and you got coffee cremes?

I never return gifts, although I am sorely tempted when my MIL gives me another sodding hand cream set; nine in a year once. Might stockpile them to return en masse.

parisyplease · 29/04/2022 08:42

If the present was deliberately badly chosen, eg a bacon slicer for a known vegan or a bottle of wine for a known teetotaler I'd happily give it back as that's insulting. If it didn't work or was the wrong size etc I'd sort it myself if I could, such as go to the shop it's from, but if not I'd very gently let the giver know and see what they wanted to do.

Anything else I think you accept gracefully and be done with it, if the only aim of a present was that it be something you would have chosen then why don't we all just buy ourselves stuff, or give money, and be done with it. The point is that the giver should have chosen something they 100% thought you'd love and if they got it wrong then appreciate the thought and maybe be more open about what you like, eg "I'm not buying any more bath bombs, I've got so many lovely ones now it'll take me years to get through them".

StrangeCondition · 29/04/2022 08:44

I'm clearly in the minority but I find these responses absolutely bonkers! I would expect a gift recipient to tell me if they didn't like their gift or it didn't fit or it was the wrong one and I'd happily exchange etc. Just like I wouldn't have any qualms in telling a gift giver the same if I received something unsuitable or the wrong size etc. What's the point in giving/receiving a gift that you're never going to use, I don't understand why it's rude to tell them

Autienotnaughtie · 29/04/2022 08:50

I think it's fine to exchange/return gift to shop for refund/regift/donate to charity. But the gift giver does not really need to be involved especially the last two. But to reject a gift is very rude. I wouldn't bother again

phoenixrosehere · 29/04/2022 08:52

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 06:48

I do think it's rude but then I think a lot of people would also find it rude if they found it had been returned or exchanged or regifted.

You can't win if you receive a crap gift.

Working in retail, I’ve learned that many people choose what they want as a gift even knowing the person may not be keen on it saying they can always give it back to them or regift it which I find rude because it’s ridiculous to gift someone something you know they may not like and make them take out time to figure out what to do with it. Even more rude is that they refuse to take a gift receipt when offered. I do get the people who gets these gifts come in and try to return them but obviously not having a receipt of any kind limits what we can do for them.

I’ve “accidentally” left gifts behind. It is always something that should be known not to get me after years of knowing me and me explicitly saying I don’t like such things.

knittingaddict · 29/04/2022 09:01

GiraffesInScarfs · 28/04/2022 22:19

You could care less or couldn't care less?

Show quote history

I hear this a lot on US podcasts. Annoys me no end because you only have to think about it for a second to realise that "I could care less" makes no sense in the context of what you're trying to say.

Sorry op, I'm not getting at you personally. It was a general point triggered by that post.

doingitforthegirls · 29/04/2022 09:01

I think it's rude

But the weird thing about MN is that apparently if it was a gift your husband had got you that you hate then it's perfectly ok to give it back and tell him you want something different

RedskyThisNight · 29/04/2022 09:03

The point is that the giver should have chosen something they 100% thought you'd love and if they got it wrong then appreciate the thought and maybe be more open about what you like, eg "I'm not buying any more bath bombs, I've got so many lovely ones now it'll take me years to get through them".

In my experience this doesn't work - most keen gift buyers are very sure that you will love such and such a present and will go ahead anyway (and then expect you to gush over it).

I'm a hard person to buy presents for, so I ask people to buy me nothing or small chocolate gifts or specific toiletries if they must buy me something. I would say the success rate for people that don't follow this is roughly 1 in 20, so most people are wasting their time and money and I would rather they didn't! People also (e.g.) buy me toiletries that are off-list, which I can't use because they trigger my eczema. They may think this is thoughtful, but I don't.

My MIL used to buy me books because she knew I like reading but most of the time she'd either buy things I'd already read or had no interest in. Plus, although I love reading, I don't have much space for books, so I'd rather MIL, who isn't massively well off, didn't spend money on something that I will charity shop after reading. After giving MIL a couple of books back, so she could pass them on to someone who would get use out of them, my MIL now buys me charity shop books, which I'm happy to get on the basis that it doesn't matter if she buys the "wrong" ones as they only cost her 50p and we both are happy that they are passed on after reading (or not). Win win.

CounsellorTroi · 29/04/2022 09:11

oliviastwisted · 29/04/2022 08:16

I think returning is rude. I think that is a bit of an unwritten social rule there.

When a person gives a gift it costs them time and energy. Even if you don’t like the gift surely a person can respect another person’s time, thought and energy and money they put into getting it for them and respect that even if not loving the gift. I think most people would find it hurtful and a snub to have a gift returned to them. I would want to avoid that scenario to consider the other persons feelings so I would deal with the unwanted gift in another way.

This. I don’t actually expect that every gift I’m given will be something I want, like and will use. Returning a gift you don’t like to the giver is like throwing the time and energy they spent back in their face.