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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Returning gift to giver - is this ever ok?

149 replies

Noname1999 · 28/04/2022 20:43

I gave a gift to someone who didn't like it and gave it back to me. The gift wasn't anything they were allergic to/goes against their beliefs/offensive/they aren't on a diet. It was in the same family is things they like a lot and use all the time

I think it's really rude to return a gift. Don't you just regift it/let your co-workers/children have it/send it to the charity shop as appropriate?

AIBU?

YABU - It's ok to return a gift if you don't like it
YANBU - It's never ok to return a gift

OP posts:
Squillerman · 29/04/2022 09:12

Going forward I’d stop buying them gifts all together, rude twat. Even if they were on a diet they could pass them onto someone else. I wouldn’t dream of giving a gift back!

Original poster
Noname1999 · 29/04/2022 09:20

I don't think it included any weird chocolates. It's a smaller version of a selection box she's had before.

It isn't something I would like and she wouldn't. I'm not a fan of chocolates, so I got her some I thought she'd like as she had them before.

OP posts:
weleasewoderick23 · 29/04/2022 09:22

My ex bought me a vibrator one Christmas. Thing is, I'd got the ick by then and we split up shortly after ( not just because of this) and it made me feel like he just wanted a porn fantasy.

I left it at his house still in the packaging
because it would've always be associated with him.

Other than that I've never returned a gift as I think it's rude too!

Hankunamatata · 29/04/2022 09:23

Suppose it depends. Iv a friend who loves chocolate but hates anything with certain flavours in them

Peoniesandpeaches · 29/04/2022 09:24

Meh I’ve returned gifts but then I grew up in a neurodivergent household so it was the norm. Ultimately it was the only way to stop my mum buying stuff I’ve told her I’m allergic to.

CloudPop · 29/04/2022 09:30

Noname1999 · 29/04/2022 09:20

I don't think it included any weird chocolates. It's a smaller version of a selection box she's had before.

It isn't something I would like and she wouldn't. I'm not a fan of chocolates, so I got her some I thought she'd like as she had them before.

In this situation, I agree with you it's rude. And really unnecessary!

Pamlar · 29/04/2022 09:30

I think it's incredibly rude under almost every circumstance. I have only ever told my husband if he bought me something that I simply didn't want use or like and even then I tried to stress how I appreciated his effort.
I think it says a lot about the person who received the gift -they are rude and I wouldn't waste time trying to work where you went wrong. Like you said, they could have exchanged or regifted.
Not necessary to make you feel bad.

kimfox · 29/04/2022 09:34

I would never do that. It's pretty rude - YANBU

BobHadBitchTits · 29/04/2022 09:41

Sometimes I wish I had the balls to do this.

I stopped wearing my Pandora bracelet years ago. People still buy me charms for it. They're just in a drawer, never even taken out of the box. Such a waste of money.

Samarie123 · 29/04/2022 09:42

Noname1999 · 29/04/2022 08:32

No, it wasn't for my mum.

It was basically nice chocolates from a shop that the gift returner loves chocolates from. She said she didn't like them and handed them back.

I'm really surprised as this person has a serious sweet tooth and eats chocolates everyday. She's also gladly received chocolates in the past. She is thin and it was a small box of chocolates so I don't think it could have been viewed as a passive aggressive slight. She's an oversharer, so if she was on a diet/had heath issues/suddenly disliked chocolate everyone would know and I would assume she would have told me that was one of the reasons when she handed them back.

Oh well, if I need to give her a gift going forward it'll be a gift card of some sort.

Why would you want to gift her again? I would NEVER buy that ungrateful person a gift again.

SmiledWtherisingsun · 29/04/2022 09:47

Noname1999 · 28/04/2022 21:07

I should have been clearer. 😣The recipient returned the gift to the giver (me). I could care less if they returned it to the shop.

Yes it's very rude.

(And you couldn't care less)

romdowa · 29/04/2022 09:49

Last year when I had my baby so many people gave me things and if I didn't want it or it didn't fit or suit, I just gave it to the charity shops. I'd never ever hand it back

Uglycurtainsareugly · 29/04/2022 09:58

SmiledWtherisingsun · 29/04/2022 09:47

Yes it's very rude.

(And you couldn't care less)

Show quote history

But she could care less, she could not care enough to start a thread about it.

starfishmummy · 29/04/2022 09:59

My Aunt (married to Mum's brother) was notorious for doing this. Mum would often spend more than she could afford on something g she knew that the aunt would like only to have it handed back - "oh I don't use this any more". Incredibly hurtful.

So we were taught from a young age that we accepted gifts graciously.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/04/2022 10:00

This is why we all ask each other what we’d like, in our family.

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 10:01

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/04/2022 10:00

This is why we all ask each other what we’d like, in our family.

Do you never just do spontaneous gifts?

BobHadBitchTits · 29/04/2022 10:03

Noname1999 · 29/04/2022 09:20

I don't think it included any weird chocolates. It's a smaller version of a selection box she's had before.

It isn't something I would like and she wouldn't. I'm not a fan of chocolates, so I got her some I thought she'd like as she had them before.

This is going to sound stupid. But I'm mentioning it anyway.

My absolute favourite chocolates are Guylian Seashells. Every birthday and Christmas my MiL buys me a box. However, she always buys the biggest box which only has the one shape in them. For some reason, these don't taste the same and I don't really like them!

I've asked my husband to ask her to buy the smaller box in future (and state because I'm dieting).

Could it be something like that?

(Just to clarify, I've never handed a box back to MiL)!

EBearhug · 29/04/2022 10:04

I think it's reasonable to ask if you can exchange if something is the wrong size or doesn't work.

I think gifts from an ex can be returned,if it's not clear to them it's all over. I have exes who are now friends, but it's clear gifts from them aren't an attempt to get get back with me or anything, but there are times when gifts are given inappropriately or mainpulatively, with expectations, and it's okay to say no. Mind you, in that sort of situation, they might be returned unwrapped, even if it was something that was your dearest wish.

I would also return things like alcohol to someone who knows me well (though I would also expect someone who knows me well not to give it in the first place, because they should know.)

Mostly though, it's a case of saying thank you and then discreetly passing it on to someone else or the charity shop or something.

Gifts aren't just about the object, so sometimes, saying thank you is about recognising someone was thinking about you, even if what you've got is not something you want. Sometimes you do need to tactfully and subtly give feedback to avoid a repeat, though.

Ponoka7 · 29/04/2022 10:16

Why would you want to give someone something that causes them work? Storing it and giving it to someone else, or taking it to a charity shop.
OP, was it a birthday etc present and is it the norm to get each other presents?

Ponoka7 · 29/04/2022 10:19

" so sometimes, saying thank you is about recognising someone was thinking about you, even if what you've got is not something you want. "

But often they don't think about the person who they are giving to. They like to shop, so it's about them.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/04/2022 10:20

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 10:01
MrsSkylerWhite
This is why we all ask each other what we’d like, in our family.
Do you never just do spontaneous gifts?”

no, not really.

StoppinBy · 29/04/2022 10:23

My MIL bought me some expensive perfume... I hated it, there was no way I could wear it.

I knew that she had picked it because she liked the smell so I gently told her I didn't like it and would she use it as I hated to see all that money go to waste.

She said she would so I returned it to her.

None of my friends (to be fair I have a small friendship group) liked it so the alternative was to just waste it.

tootiredtoocare · 29/04/2022 10:23

My MIL has opened a gift I spent time choosing and got for her because I thought it was something she would really like only for her to hand it straight to her sister/my daughter/back to me with a comment of "oh, I won't use this/it isn't really something I like/you should've just got me a bottle of whiskey(!) - here, you have it" quite a few times. I stopped being careful about what I chose and just put together hampers of shower gels, moisturisers, perfume I knew she used, for every occasion. When we cleared her house recently after she moved to a sheltered accommodation, I found them all, some of them years old. Still hurt a bit. I'd never refuse a gift, but I might re-gift it (carefully!) or donate it to charity. It's about appreciating the other person's effort to do it, the care they took in choosing something they hope you'll like, and, yes, the money they spent.

Orgasmagorical · 29/04/2022 10:29

It was basically nice chocolates from a shop that the gift returner loves chocolates from. She said she didn't like them and handed them back

Are there any other signs that you're not her favourite person right now?

SVRT19674 · 29/04/2022 10:30

It is super rude. I always put the gift receipt in with the present, so if it clothes they can exchange them, and no, that doesn´t offend me. But if it is chocolates, that is somewhat different and that could be regifted easily. I think she is pissed off with you for some reason.