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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Returning gift to giver - is this ever ok?

149 replies

Noname1999 · 28/04/2022 20:43

I gave a gift to someone who didn't like it and gave it back to me. The gift wasn't anything they were allergic to/goes against their beliefs/offensive/they aren't on a diet. It was in the same family is things they like a lot and use all the time

I think it's really rude to return a gift. Don't you just regift it/let your co-workers/children have it/send it to the charity shop as appropriate?

AIBU?

YABU - It's ok to return a gift if you don't like it
YANBU - It's never ok to return a gift

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 29/04/2022 10:38

I always remember to get a gift receipt but I regularly forget to put it in with the gift.

I think returning chocolates / biscuits / wine is very rude regardless of who it was from.

Glitterspy · 29/04/2022 10:48

Yes this! Couldn’t care less. As in, you care so little you really couldn’t care any less.
If you could care less then it means you care a bit, you’ve still got a bit of care, and could still reduce it and care less.

Right, I feel better now! Pedantry aside, it’s rude to give gifts back. Just smile politely, say (and ideally write) thank you, wait a month and then regift at will.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 29/04/2022 10:50

It's very rude, and anyone that did that would never get a gift from me again.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/04/2022 10:52

None of the books are remotely related to what she reads(and this person knows what she reads) so every month another woeful book arrives and mum just puts them in a pile and worries about what she should say when/if the giver asks what she thinks of them

The thing with 'The Fireside Book' is that it's very easy to accidentally trip every single year whilst going to give it pride of place in the appropriate location. Still, it does give you a lovely warm feeling Grin

Quick question: when bagging unwanted gifts up for the chazza shop that have been given to you by somebody who lives nearby, do other people take it to any old local shop where the giver may well see it or do you specifically keep it in the car boot until you find yourself a long way from home and then give it to a shop in a distant town?!

Fair enough if it's one random generic item, but if they've given you three or four reasonably distinctive items and they then see them sitting all together on one shelf in the local BHF shop, consider yourself rumbled!

SpindleInTheWind · 29/04/2022 10:56

Well I can only assume she's hacked off with you in some way; or she's having some sort of episode.

StoppinBy · 29/04/2022 10:57

Noname1999 · 29/04/2022 08:32

No, it wasn't for my mum.

It was basically nice chocolates from a shop that the gift returner loves chocolates from. She said she didn't like them and handed them back.

I'm really surprised as this person has a serious sweet tooth and eats chocolates everyday. She's also gladly received chocolates in the past. She is thin and it was a small box of chocolates so I don't think it could have been viewed as a passive aggressive slight. She's an oversharer, so if she was on a diet/had heath issues/suddenly disliked chocolate everyone would know and I would assume she would have told me that was one of the reasons when she handed them back.

Oh well, if I need to give her a gift going forward it'll be a gift card of some sort.

See, I do think that was rude, that's something that she could have easily passed on to someone else without ever telling you she didn't want them.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/04/2022 11:04

I think returning chocolates / biscuits / wine is very rude regardless of who it was from.

I think a lot of the 'gift value' in such items is often in the presentation aspect rather than the actual product - like with Easter Eggs.

People don't tend to give massive piles of ordinary Asda chocolate as presents (to adults) that will last them ages in theory - you're giving them an elaborately-wrapped piece that's designed as 'a present that happens to have a few chocolates or biscuits in it' rather than 'a decent quantity of delicious chocolates or biscuits that happens to be wrapped minimally'.

Therefore, to reject something like that - especially comestibles that can be handed around and will soon disappear anyway - seems particularly rude, like you're rejecting 'the present' or 'the thought' rather than just declining the item itself, unless it is, as has been said, something that clearly goes against your well-known ethical beliefs. Unless you're expecting it to be replaced with a 'better' gift, why awkwardly hand a fancy box containing six chocolates that you don't like back to the giver, when you could just hand them around later and they'll be gone imminently anyway?

MightyFishwife · 29/04/2022 11:06

Knifer · 28/04/2022 21:58

It is so rude to do that.

Years ago I bought an ex boyfriends mum a scarf she said she wanted. I was only 17 and I really wanted this very difficult woman to like me. She opened it, seemed pleased, then when she realised I had bought it and not her son, she promptly handed it back to me. I said, "I'm sorry, was it not the one you wanted?" She said "not from you, no!" I was so humiliated!

Fucking hell, @Knifer, I felt that. I want to give 17yo you a big hug!

Wouldyabeguilty · 29/04/2022 11:17

I think it is one of the rudest and most hurtful things you can do. I couldn't give a shite if you have 50 of them at home, you don't like the look of it, the smell of it, the feel of it, the style of it...you NEVER ever hand something back to a person that they went to the trouble of getting you and if you do, you are an ARSEHOLE.

user1471523870 · 29/04/2022 11:19

Generally speaking I think it's rude. I believe gifting is about putting time and effort in creating a special moment, making the receiver feel you care about them, the surprise of opening the present....
I disagree that it is about getting people something they want.

I'd love to get a very expensive watch, but I would be delighted if a friend would pick a cheap watch in my favourite colour as she thought it complemented my skin tone IYSWIM.

I am making an allowance if it's really the wrong size (i.e. baby clothes) and would offer to go and get it exchange myself.

RedskyThisNight · 29/04/2022 11:42

Generally speaking I think it's rude. I believe gifting is about putting time and effort in creating a special moment, making the receiver feel you care about them, the surprise of opening the present....
I disagree that it is about getting people something they want.

But getting something that they don't want is not making the receiver feel that the giver cares about them. Actually it does the opposite as it makes the receiver feel the giver can't know very much about them.

If I get something I don't want my immediate thoughts are "I wish they hadn't wasted their money"; "where am I going to put it" and "now I've got to spend effort getting rid of it".

In your example you might be delighted if your friend got you a cheap watch that complemented your skin tone, but would you be delighted if your friend got you an ugly watch that didn't complement your skin tone, or you already had 6 watches already, because everyone buys you watches?

phoenixrosehere · 29/04/2022 12:01

Ponoka7 · 29/04/2022 10:19

" so sometimes, saying thank you is about recognising someone was thinking about you, even if what you've got is not something you want. "

But often they don't think about the person who they are giving to. They like to shop, so it's about them.

Agree. I have never returned a gift but it does hurt when it’s something I have said countless times for years I don’t like so I leave it because it will be used by the people around. I’m not a chocolate or alcohol person and it has been said by me and DH but goes on deaf ears or because DH drinks there’s a “oh your DH can have it then”. Then what was the point of making it out as a gift for me if you know I don’t like it and won’t use it so I leave the gifts for the people who will enjoy it.

I rather be considered rude if it means they stop buying me things they know I don’t like. Besides, they’re getting a gift back that they enjoy themselves anyway which makes me think that is what they wanted all along. They get to say they were “generous” and get to keep what they like at the same time.

CounsellorTroi · 29/04/2022 12:21

Glitterspy · 29/04/2022 10:48

Yes this! Couldn’t care less. As in, you care so little you really couldn’t care any less.
If you could care less then it means you care a bit, you’ve still got a bit of care, and could still reduce it and care less.

Right, I feel better now! Pedantry aside, it’s rude to give gifts back. Just smile politely, say (and ideally write) thank you, wait a month and then regift at will.

”I could care less” is US I think. Basically means the same as “I couldn’t care less”. Or I could care less but it would be very difficult”.

ScruffGin · 29/04/2022 12:50

I think it's very rude as well.

Wrong sizes I've taken into the shop to swap workout the receipt and never had an issue.

Only time I've returned a gift was to my mum as both she and my partner had bought me the same ice cream maker. Was an excellent present but I didn't need two (and my partner had gotten it on sale which is why I got my mum to return hers as it was more expensive). Didn't cause an issue and I got the cash to buy some wine glasses I wanted. However I think my mum would've preferred me to just keep it as she had the hassle of returning it! 😁

StoppinBy · 29/04/2022 14:37

Wouldyabeguilty · 29/04/2022 11:17

I think it is one of the rudest and most hurtful things you can do. I couldn't give a shite if you have 50 of them at home, you don't like the look of it, the smell of it, the feel of it, the style of it...you NEVER ever hand something back to a person that they went to the trouble of getting you and if you do, you are an ARSEHOLE.

I guess that's a matter of opinion, I would much rather give someone the opportunity to use the product they bought rather than waste their money by keeping something hidden at the back of the cupboard.

If I bought a friend or relative something that I liked and it turned out they didn't I would hope they would tell me so I could make use of my money.

Sounds like you are a sensitive soul whose ego risks being shattered if someone tells you they don't like what you got them.

BarbaraofSeville · 29/04/2022 14:47

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 29/04/2022 10:50

It's very rude, and anyone that did that would never get a gift from me again.

They'd probably see that as a positive result. Neither the planet nor many people can afford to continue exchanging all these things that are rarely wanted or needed and but we're all socialised into lying about being grateful for and pretending to like.

Snog · 29/04/2022 21:17

My mum buys me presents that she thinks I should want and that fit the person she would prefer me to be. She also makes me things that are to her taste but not to mine.

I just say thanks it's really nice but not something I would use/wear, maybe you can find a home for it where it would be appreciated.

If she actually tried to give me something she thought I would like that would be different.

Dinoteeth · 29/04/2022 22:29

If someone made you a tapestry that you don't like what would you do with it?

Must have taken hours to do and is currently in the back of a cupboard? 😬

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 29/04/2022 22:37

So weird and rude to return chocolates!! I have a severe peanut alleegy. I've occasionally been gifted chocolates I cannot eat for this reason, I smile and say thankful and am grateful for the thought. Then I give them to someone else.

StoppinBy · 30/04/2022 08:18

Dinoteeth · 29/04/2022 22:29

If someone made you a tapestry that you don't like what would you do with it?

Must have taken hours to do and is currently in the back of a cupboard? 😬

Back of the toilet door so people have something 'nice' to look at when they go to the toilet?

Youdoyoutoday · 30/04/2022 08:43

'Oh well, if I need to give her a gift going forward it'll be a gift card of some sort.'

Er..... no, no more gifts for this one, save your money, time and energy, definitely no more gifts!!

UnicornPooPoo · 30/04/2022 08:57

Depends on the person. My mum bought me two dresses and they just didn't suit me. They hung all wrong so I gave them back so could either return them or wear them herself.

GettingStuffed · 30/04/2022 09:08

I have DDiL a gorgeous scarf/shawl but she gave it back saying it wasn't something she's use but it was too nice to be hidden in a cupboard

Moltenpink · 30/04/2022 11:52

tootiredtoocare · 29/04/2022 10:23

My MIL has opened a gift I spent time choosing and got for her because I thought it was something she would really like only for her to hand it straight to her sister/my daughter/back to me with a comment of "oh, I won't use this/it isn't really something I like/you should've just got me a bottle of whiskey(!) - here, you have it" quite a few times. I stopped being careful about what I chose and just put together hampers of shower gels, moisturisers, perfume I knew she used, for every occasion. When we cleared her house recently after she moved to a sheltered accommodation, I found them all, some of them years old. Still hurt a bit. I'd never refuse a gift, but I might re-gift it (carefully!) or donate it to charity. It's about appreciating the other person's effort to do it, the care they took in choosing something they hope you'll like, and, yes, the money they spent.

I don’t get why you didn’t just buy her the whiskey though?

Dinoteeth · 30/04/2022 12:42

GettingStuffed · 30/04/2022 09:08

I have DDiL a gorgeous scarf/shawl but she gave it back saying it wasn't something she's use but it was too nice to be hidden in a cupboard

Did you accept that was the case or feel hurt that she returned it?