I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

I think many of the posters who have replied to you and said YABU simply have no understanding of the trauma you have experienced and carry with you as a result of being in the care system. I have a friend who entered the care system aged 5, was fostered and moved placements several times and by the age of 15 was living independently. Her childhood memories are awful and she wouldn’t want to reopen any of those scars that she has long since buried. .

it is ok to feel the way you do and no I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

There’s no way you can state that as fact. OP could already be dealing with her trauma the best she possibly can do. Forcing her to confront it could make it worse and cause significant damage. OP is probably going to be the best judge of what the likely outcome would be.

Sometimes there’s no neat happy ending to be had, and no satisfactory resolution. Sometimes you have to just live with your wounds the best you can.

This. Your grandchildren are your family. You should be allowed to see just them.

Shocked by many of the replies here, glibly suggesting the OP should get over her issues and just accept her children's decision to foster. Whilst her children are doing a good thing, they seem to have completely disregarded how difficult/impossible this must be for the OP or they seem to think their decision will help her. Why are her feelings any less important? Given what she has been through as a child I think her family should be more understanding of her difficulty with their decision.

Its clear that many people aren't really getting this from OP's point of view.

''There is certainly no reason whatsoever to believe that a child would steal from you or treat you poorly now - simply by virtue of being fostered due to being a victim of neglect, abuse or orphaned.Afterall, you didn’t steal or treat others poorly when you were in foster care.''

OP hasn't assumed that a foster child will steal from her. What she has done is assess the consequences to her if it did happen. Its a risk assessment and she has every right to do that to avoid being re-traumatised.
The fact that others consider the percentage risk to be lower is irrelevant to OP's situation.

As an analogy, posters are thinking about the risk of a car crash while OP is aware she is about to travel by plane. The percentage risk of a plane accident is lower than that of travelling by car; but the potential consequences are worse.
I hope those of you having a go at OP, telling her to get therapy or get over herself stay away from abuse survivors. You have no idea what you are talking about.

I hadn't considered the possibility of many short-term children, I only thought of one long term child. This is something else to consider. Imagine a new child every week/month/ 6 months...

If you have it within you to foster, that is commendable. My head is too fractured for that.

Is there any chance that you could take part but under their roof? I suspect not having read all your responses. It's okay to acknowledge how damaged you are... I suspect your children are very naive.

@LoveSpringDaffs No they are not, they have every right to say that she accept all the kids or not. How is that supposed to work exactly? We’re going to Grandmas place but you guys stay home as you’re not our real children?

As someone who went though the foster system I woke expect her to be more sympathetic toward what those kids are going through and be more willing to help them gave a better experience than she did.

As others have said she should seek therapy to help her get over the past trauma but NO she does not get to dictate that they do not foster kids or if they do then treat the kids differently.

I think you deserve some peace in this part of your life and your dc should be respecting that.

And yet you seem to be ok with another child potentially feeling like this because you will let the biological children and not them in your home?

Your feelings are completely valid. I think as you feel so strongly you might have to take the decision to go minimal contact. Have a completely honest chat or write a letter to explain just how hard this is going to be for you and whilst you love them all very much it’s going to be extremely difficult for you. Hopefully they will understand. You have to look out for yourself, but losing your family might be tougher than having a foster child in your life. Only you know that x

@AngelinaFibres this way of thinking is giving no regard to the potential impact on either the biological children or the foster child.
It doesn’t matter what the reasons are for the OP to not want to be involved in having foster children in her family, the point is that it could result in damage to the foster child due to the family dynamics which clearly makes this an unsuitable placement.

The relationships between the grandparents and the existing children could be damaged which later in life could lead to resentment. Believe me, I have lived this and know that the OPs feeling are 100% valid in her consideration of this.

Anyone with the true best interests of a foster child would see that this family are not the best family to take on a child in care.

This, absolutely.

I work with LAC and its far too simplistic and frankly idealist nonsense to demand that the foster children be treated the same as the children in every way. They will have different needs and will require parenting that is meeting their individual and specific needs. They may well not be able to cope with extended family, or visits. They may have their own contact schedule with birth parents or siblings. Its neither necessary nor desirable to parent these children just the same as your own. I may choose to homeEd my dc, in fact I did, or to have vegetarian children, or to teach them Latin and debting skills, these are not choices foster parents get to make for foster children.

I was in foster care, I remember one family I went to wouldn’t let me visit the grandparents with their biological children. In the end I was sent back to the children’s home as the foster mum had stated her parents wouldn’t accept kids like me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not sure where you’re getting the impression that OP is okay with any part of this at all.

Funny thing about trauma, it’s quite a messy thing and can’t just be therapied away. It doesn’t tend to be neat and rational, or even what any onlooker would call ‘kind’.

Further to my essay/comment a couple of pages back, yes, this is probably much more likely than 1 long term placement. You really do need to explain the depth of your worry over this to your child - I’d be surprised if they continue the assessment personally (but that’s just me).

I hope none of my earlier comments sounded patronising-I wanted to give context for the assessment. For what it’s worth I can relate to your misgivings where it relates to personal traumas. Since my brother took his own life several years ago people often assume I want to get involved with suicide prevention work & advocacy. I don’t. I recoil. I am grateful for those who do but it’s just too close for comfort. This follows therapy & counselling too.

I really do wish you well whatever happens.

You are in charge of who comes into your house. But you will have to deal with the consequences. Its in your hands. Its an impasse. Somebody has to give. But it really isnt the foster childrens fault.

Since my brother took his own life several years ago people often assume I want to get involved with suicide prevention work & advocacy. I don’t. I recoil. I am grateful for those who do but it’s just too close for comfort. This follows therapy & counselling too. I'm shocked anyone would make this presumption.

OP - I don't have any great advice but I really, really feel for you. I can't imagine what it must be like to have survived your childhood, then built a family life for yourself, only for (well-intentioned) members of that family to take action that puts you right back where you started. Worse, you now face losing your family unless you accommodate their decision.

I am stunned by the insensitivity of the posters who are castigating the OP for being prejudiced against foster kids. Have some fucking empathy. OF COURSE not all foster kids are 'bad' and even if they ARE difficult it doesn't matter - they still deserve a loving home environment. I'm sure the OP would agree. But her DC's inability to see that this is going to be hugely triggering for the OP suggests that they might not be the best carers for foster children who are ALSO likely to be suffering from trauma.

OP, I wish you the very best. I really hope you and your family can work this out and I'm so sorry for the difficult start you had in life.

That's so sad. I don't think its reasonable for them to force you to be part of their decisions, no.

Of course it's not the foster child's fault. I realise through this thread that it's not just my house I feel guarded about, it's my life. As things stand at this moment, I don't have it in me to embrace fostering. This may change over time. My dc may decide it's not for them after all. They may not be approved. I will explore this further in therapy.

I say this with kindness, but they need to appreciate you are not the right person for a foster child to grow around. Not because you are nasty or don’t want them, but because you don’t have the capacity to be what a foster child needs. Your past trauma simply mean you cannot be what the child needs.
If I’m honest I think a bit of naivety isn’t a bad thing when starting out in a foster relationship.
You need to say to your children that whilst they are respected, there is some element of choice they have to make. You can’t be someone you are not on their demand. They need to decide what they want more, fostering or regular contact with you as a family. Ball in their court, not yours.
You also need to reframe this in your mind. You aren’t a bad person, and you don’t reject them. You have been honest with everyone and said that a foster child in your house wouldn’t get the full and open interaction they need, and further rejection by you on any level would be very damaging for a vulnerable child. You cannot just drop a trauma you’ve had, and even tried to move forward from with therapy, and become a brilliant foster gran. You would inevitably struggle with the relationship and potentially contribute to trauma yourself inadvertently.

For what it’s worth I can relate to your misgivings where it relates to personal traumas. Since my brother took his own life several years ago people often assume I want to get involved with suicide prevention work & advocacy. I don’t. I recoil. I am grateful for those who do but it’s just too close for comfort. This follows therapy & counselling too.

I get this. Just because therapists are out there doesn't mean they are all the right ones for the OP, or that their services would come free. Extended therapy costs. Big time. And you need the right therapist for you. It could take multiple attempts to find and try out new ones to get a helpful match. The wrong one and a few clumsy attempts to sort you out can make the situation even worse. Don't imagine that Social Services has the funding for grandparent counselling to enable a foster placement to take place!

I think your DC ideas show a lack of developed thinking about fostering.

It is a long process to get approved. If they get beyond the initial stages, there will be lots of in-depth discussions which include talking about their relationship with you and your experiences of fostering. The difference between a foster child (who is usually temporary in the household, even if fairly long term) and their own child will be covered. They will be given a lot to think about and they will have to show a mature understanding and ability to understand boundaries and what is appropriate.

Your DC sound like they have a very limited understanding of fostering and if empathy. It is surprising they reacted to your feelings as they did, when no doubt they have heard before how difficult you find your past. In itself, these responses make me think they might well not get far with the fostering process.

Is there any chance that this is really about creating conflict with you?

I wouldn’t worry too much at this stage. Them having this idea and it becoming reality is a huge gap. It is fairly unlikely to happen and if it does it would be a long time diwn the line and could only be after a long process and training where they would need to adjust a lot of their ideas. One of the training areas is about wider families and impact and in all liklihood, social workers would want to speak with you along the way.

many posters on this thread are very simplistic about this. Fostering isn’t a snap decision and it’s not just about doing a ‘kind thing’ for some children. It is hugely complex and even moreso when you have your own children.

I can see why them saying this has been upsetting for you. Possibly by biting and responding to their comments (which no doubt wasn’t actually a surprise to them) you aren’t helping. Quite likely saying very little about it and just commenting about what a long process it is, would be better and not provoke the reaction. They may well not be very serious. It may well it be fully thought out. Many many people lossless consider it and after a very quick look into it decide not to go further. Many others decide not to proceed or the process shows them up as not really suitable at any stage of the process. I probably wouldn’t mention this to them, but let them look into it if they want to. It is a long road and their levels of maturity and suitability sound doubtful, but it is difficult to tell from here.

At the same time, perhaps it would be good as a separate thing to consider your own feelings about the past and look into some kind of support in dealing with that.

This talk also shines a light on (in my mind) the fact that so much happened to me in fostering that wasn't taken seriously/ wasn't dealt with, by SS & the adults in charge & I was left helpless. It's probably this I can feel now. Even today on the news, it is sadly not uncommon to hear bad things happening around children in care.