I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

You are looking at this the wrong way round. You are an adult who was a Foster child yourself and went out of the system. Why not be now the person who helps children like yourself? These are children op, who went through a terrible time. Yes as a result they're challenging but here's an opportunity to embrace what happened to you, support your own children support them and you know, this may heal your old wounds, and while it does, helps another child....

Absolutely.

Not many threads bother me to be frank, but this one does.
That so many people have next to no proper understanding of how the op is feeling.

Ironic really, as this person was in the care system herself.

I have noticed before, that in uk society, once a person in care[who before then most acknowledge their problems] turns 18, then magically, it is assumed that those young persons problems are immediately over.

Well, life is not like that.

I think some of the replies here verge on victim blaming. Your feelings are completely valid OP and I'm sorry for what you've experienced as a child.

I agree that not seeing their foster child is likely to mean not seeing your DC or grandchildren (for the foster child's sake) which will be painful for you and them.

Do you think that a session with you, your DC and a counsellor might help?

If your DC is making this decision knowing it will cut you off, would that impact their application to foster?

@Kettlesnettles Im presuming that you have first hand experience of either being in care or of being a foster or adoptive parent.
Otherwise your comments are wildly misguided.

How can you say this when the OP literally just explained why?

Talk about wilful ignorance.

Growing up in foster care does not give you the authority to judge everyone who grew up in foster care.

Clearly the OP is traumatised by her experiences and, very wisely, unwilling to be retraumatised.

The OP’s daughter is being bull-headed and very unkind to try to force her into this situation.

That is a lot to unpack and a lot of pain.

I had a lot of therapy in my 20s and 30s before I found the right one in my 40s. This therapist was amazing and took me far. I’m not at the end of the journey though but I came to the end of the journey with her. Up until I met her, I was treading water, releasing pain without moving forward.

Therapy should be about healing those feelings. Have you worked long term on finding empathy and love for little you and explored parenting yourself? In the shorter term, you can work on filling needs and healing pain with methods like Heartspeak, which you can do on zoom.

@WellThisIsShit
I’m so sorry. Big hugs to you both.

Fucking hell that is laying it on thick with the guilt tripping.

Its worse than guilt tripping too, its suggesting using vulnerable damaged children to 'fix' the OP

Presume away hobbitfeet. I standby what I advised the op, which is to try and open her heart and see the situation in another way. You are entitled to your opinion and I'm to mine. The fact your opinion is different doesn't make mine "misguided" given this isn't a maths equation.

And yes, as a PP says, foster parents actually have limited choices to make regarding foster children. Those children do not become the same as their own children, with all decisions being made by the fister parents. There remain a huge body of people involved and processes which have to be applied with foster children, from contact with their natural parents, to the kind of holidays they can attend, to where they can visit and who can stay in the foster parents home over night. It might well be decided by social workers that contact with too many wider members of the family isn’t appropriate and quite often decisions are made, which foster parents simply have to accept, having background information on a strictly ‘need to know’ basis. This isn’t about another child fully becoming a part of the existing family. It’s about providing care and emotional warmth, but it’s about playing a role and providing a much needed caring service for these children, not about becoming their parent.

Lots of people have an ‘idea’ of what fostering is and involves that has little connection to the reality. It’s why it’s a long process because people have to discover what is actually involved and to think carefully and reflect on whether they can do it, as well as outside bodies looking carefully and deeply at whether they are able and suitable to deliver those caring services. Because of course, the people who do this have to be right, because the children in their care have already had a difficult start and often extremely damaged, and need individually arranged and targeted care which supports and helps them, when it is very easy to actually create further problems.

Its an amazing and great thing that some people are able to do and can do well. The majority don’t want to do it and many wouldn’t be suited to it anyway or in a position to deliver what’s needed. A lot of sifting and reflecting has to happen to find the people who are right. Some people start with very little sense of that, and all kinds of varying agendas and motives. A lot of the process is unpicking those.

Because she’s massively traumatised? Sure, it would probably be nice if she could be ‘the person who helps children like herself’ and just magic away her trauma, but it’s not quite as simple as that, is it?

I have no idea why people should be expected to embrace what’s happened to them. Why the assumption that it’s automatically going to be healing? That everyone can all then go ahead, join hands and skip off into the sunset shitting flowers as they go?

Does it not occur that if OP was able to do that, she would have done?

I swear some people think life is some sort of Hallmark film. Hopelessly unrealistic.

The OP’s daughter is being bull-headed and very unkind to try to force her into this situation.

What is this current fashion for young adults? They declare that giving birth to one or two little ones qualifies them to be the parent now. Your parent.... So you are supposed to just comply with whatever ill thought out whim crosses their brain?

A few years NC or LC while they become acquainted with life sounds like much needed respite all round!

Urgh so trite. And your statement about the Op “embracing” her trauma is just so crass

Focus on opening your own heart, all that is required of you in this instance is to be a little less judgmental about who a traumatised woman should welcome into her home.

How about adoption op, would you accept an adopted grandchild as part of your family if your dc decided to do so?

Why do you keep bullying the OP?

what about adoption yourself? Not that I imagine you would have a hope in hell of being approved as an adoptive parent given your lack of empathy.

I read a very moving, powerful thread started by the son of a holocaust survivor who documented his journey of beginning to prioritise his own needs and wants and no longer suppressing them to avoid upsetting his father due to the detrimental effect doing so was having on his own mental health and thus, on his wife and children. He was essentially ostracised for daring to voice his own needs because of what his father had been through. Essentially, he was to live his life with no needs or wants of his own.

The things said about the DD on this thread are, quite frankly, disgusting, considering her only “crime” appears to be wanting to become a foster parent. On the contrary to what has been assumed, I can only imagine the DD has been considerate of her mum and her mum’s trauma her entire life. As is so often the case for children of trauma survivors.

The OP isn’t wrong. But nor is her DD. It seems to me they have reached an impasse. One of them needs to back down. I think the DD has reached the point where she can no longer back down. She needs to consider her own wants and needs. There is nothing selfish about that.

I see so many comments about posters not understanding the position of the OP as a trauma survivor. I would say that similarly, some posters have no understanding of the DD’s position
as the child of a trauma survivor.

The guilt-tripping of the OP is pretty disgusting. This is a traumatised woman, who are saying what she can and can't do, what she isn't prepared to do due to the trauma, and so many people are falling over themselves to minimise her feelings.

*is saying. Gah.

Also, embracing trauma? Seriously?

JurgensCrew suggested you try counseling with your DC. This sounds like a good idea, if only so you and DC can understand each other better and perhaps avoid especially triggering situations.

It's completely understandable that you feel the way you do; you've lived your life with the consequences of a horrible past. Nonetheless, you have brought up an empathetic DC (who wants to help others) and maintained a close family - this is a huge triumph as you experienced neither empathy nor a close family when you were a child. If you can allow yourself some satisfaction you should be very proud of yourself.

Do keep talking to your DC as things develop and also discuss your feelings with your counselor (perhaps on occasion with DC present). It might be that you can find a way to accommodate the child you were and the children your DC would like to foster. You might also find your experience can help your DC - as many have said, fostering isn't easy.

I feel for you I really do I spent years being moved from home to home with a bin bag some Foster carers were lovely some not the older systems had to many cracks but sounds like your child really thinks they can make a difference offer a loving home to some much needed child unfortunately you don't have to be apart of that, that is your choice maybe you could compromise meet in safe public spaces ect so they are not in your space and you can still keep family contact

For the poster who mentioned adoption, that's a totally different situation of permanent placement & ownership. That's not what's being discussed.

Onthelowdown

What a deeply offensive, harmful and totally un-empathetic response to the OP.

One can only assume that you have been one of the lucky few to have had no genuinely traumatic experience in your life. You clearly also have zero understanding of triggering events or of the complete inability of a person - any person - to control their deepest instincts and fears which come from the subconscious with no regard to the conscious mind.

I hope somewhere along the line you learn to be more humble and respectful of others' sufferings, and less aggressive and judgemental, because otherwise you're destined to spread a great deal of hurt and damage in your wake.

Are you close to your DC, Does she visit often? Have you thought that your DC may not get approved if they are truthful about your current stance. SW would likely want you interviewed as part of the process knowing your unhappy LAC background. The application process will explore your DCs family support network in detail. Any SW will see amber/red flags with your state of mind as it creates a hostile and triggering environment for you and creates risk for children in the care of the LA. Your DC may have to make a choice between maintaining her relationship with you or cooling it down to almost non-existent in order to foster.