I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

Unwanted, dirty goods. A burden. Weak, someone to be taken advantage of & controlled. Shameful. And I still feel like this despite lifelong therapy.

I get so frustrated on here (and other forums) where people blithely advise 'you need therapy/get some therapy/professional help'

Ive had years of a number of different types of therapy/counselling, at different stages of my life. I still suffer with depression and anxiety although no longer medicated for it, but I wont be 'over' the developmental trauma and attachment difficulties.

And thats if you are either well off enough to get private therapy or be referred for anything other than 6 weeks of CBT

Another thread I read this evening someone is advising DBT for a poster. In the county I live in (whole county) there is only ONE private DBT therapist!! (I had to look it up for work purposes). That wont be offered on the NHS

The fact this triggers you shows such trauma :( please get therapy

Please read the thread at least. OP has already explained that she's had many years of therapy due to the damage her upbringing did.

People feel how they feel. Trauma does what it does. It's not like you can logic your way out of it. I actually think it's deeply, deeply unfair of someone, in this case the OPs daughter, to undertake a course of action that will cause such distress to her own mother and to present it in such a combative fashion.

Her mum, the OP, deserves all the love and consideration in the world from her child after the pain of her upbringing, and if that means that they as a family are not a suitable home for a foster child then that's how it is. To do the very thing that is going to cause OP pain seems cruel.

hang on, do we know this is what the OP's DC is doing, or is it just supposition? The foster system is not identical to what it was 30+ years ago and while I can't speak to the motivations of the DC, they will receive a hell of a lot of training and assessment. I do appreciate that for the OP this is a deeply triggering situation though.

You have the right not to allow whoever you please in your home.

They have the right to stop you seeing your grandchildren so that the foster children don't feel unwanted/tarnished. Especially if you still have a view that they are going to steal/damage your property.

You need support to work through what happened to you OP. You are also right to give them an insight into the reality of fostering. Too many foster parents are not truly prepared for the challenges. I say that as someone who works in childrens services.

The foster children are children who deserve love, stability and some level of normality after a hard start to life. You know that. It doesn't change your trauma though and that is what you need to focus on x

Hobbitfeet32 · 27/04/2022 20:11

"Some of the judgemental comments on here are very naive. I speak from experience of being having an adopted sibling into the family. 30 years later and my parents are still managing the trauma my sibling has had to go through. It can be far more complex than many posters here seem to think."*

This. I suspect many posters on here don't understand the reality of fostering.

I'm a foster carer and my mum is completely supportive, but we have learnt not to ask her to babysit / put FD to bed / take her to school. DM can't deal with FD's disobedience. We discovered this gradually. DM does find it difficult staying at our house because of FD's behaviour. We visit her for short times and I go alone sometimes.
You have a better idea of what life might be like than your DC do. However I think you've gone to the extreme 'trauma based' response rather than thinking rationally about what you can and can't cope with. How about working out how you might start off in any relationship with a new child. Talk to your DC about how you can support them as a family without having child in your home before you are ready.

@Bitterwounds I also have significant doubts that your DC will be accepted as foster parents. The children available for fostering are not those sadly bereaved in tragic car accidents. Those children are generally adopted within their wider families.

These days foster children come from very traumatic backgrounds. Once your DC get to understand the likely impact of abused children on their own young DC, they may well have pause for thought. I don't think they have thought this through at all. Their response to you seems a bit like rubbing a puppy's nose in its little accident.... Only much, much more cruel.

Surely not all foster children are long term? People seem to assume that a new child will be added to the DC's family & will grow up there.

In my experience, children stay for varying lengths of time which may be as short as a weekend. It's not just a matter of getting to know one child. OP might get to know one child, only to find that child replaced by another... and another... and another. I imagine this could add to her difficulties.

Apologised for the essay but I hope I can offer some input. I specialise in assessing foster carers and have almost 20 years experience working with children at risk or in care.

The wider family support network of applicants is a significant part of my assessment of new carers.

References & interviews are generally conducted unless there is good reason not to. Your views would certainly form part of the assessment. No stone is left unturned and rightly so in my view. A situation like this would be a significant problem for my personally.

You are certainly entitled to your views OP & I have every deepest sympathy with what your have endured in childhood.

I am confused as to whether the notion of fostering re-triggers your trauma or if it is specifically the thought of children entering your home because some children in your past stole from you & treated you poorly. There is certainly no reason whatsoever to believe that a child would steal from you or treat you poorly now - simply by virtue of being fostered due to being a victim of neglect, abuse or orphaned.Afterall, you didn’t steal or treat others poorly when you were in foster care. Likewise some of the most privileged children can be cruel and steal. Some of the most beautiful children I have ever met in my career have been those in care.

Quite honestly this would pose a professional dilemma for me. Children in care, as you will understand first hand and much better than me, often experience the cruelest treatment because they are seen as different, less worthy or unwanted. They need the sanctuary of a foster placement where they feel valued, secure and loved. They would certainly sense when they were not wanted - e.g. when birth children say they have a lovely time at nanny’s house at the weekend - the house they aren’t allowed to visit because they are ‘foster kids’. It would be so utterly stigmatising for them & hurtful.

I don’t say this to patronise you, I have never walked in your shoes. This is simply the reality. Your child will need to make a choice over whose needs they put first and this is a huge decision. As you say, birthdays, Christmas, the most special times families share if they are fortunate enough.

Even if you meet outside your home will you hold the same prejudices that stop you from wanting them in home? Would you view them with suspicion. Would being around them simply upset you and dredge up your personal trauma?

I think you need to have some really frank discussions with your child about how to go forward. It really won’t be as simple as just not allowing the fostered children into your home - it will have such serious repercussions for your family relationships and their wishes and hopes.

I wish you well whatever the outcome is.

You’re both being unreasonable. You, for making presumptions about children you’ve never met, them for disregarding your opinion.

Family counselling?

@MyCatIsAJerk

hmm based on that post, I have a feeling that it’s not just your cat that’s a jerk…

A lot of advice from ppl, I suspect, who have little to no experience of the care system or the real challenges fostering presents. Its not just a case of giving a lost child a home. A significant number of these kids are damaged, some quite severely, and often from their time with in the system. I have some clinical experience of that from the NHS side. The OP still bares the mental scars from her struggle so I don't blame her for not wanting to get involved. I wouldn't either. Family comes first IMHO : her own kids need to get their heads around that.

@MyCatIsAJerk I have reported your post as I think it is victim blaming.

People can't control their trauma responses easily and OP has done nothing to deserve this level of judgement and vitriol.

She not aiming to harm anyone just protect herself from hurt.

As a social worker who has worked with foster carers and foster children I think some people are totally minimizing OP's situation.

@MyCatIsAJerk actually recognising that she would be unable to support her daughter in this before a child has even entered her home is the kindest thing to do.

I'm sorry for all you have suffered. But imagine the possibility that you meet a child who has experienced the same as you and how you could help them with your knowledge and understanding. Of course your entitled to say who comes in to your house but don't write off someone before you have met them. I work in residential social care and meet all kinds of young people the majority just want somebody who cares and will listen.

I understand your trauma OP and I wouldn't want to diminish it in any way.

But you know that it isn't these children's fault.

Personally - I think welcoming foster children into your home would be incredibly healing for you.

Not allowing them in and not having a relationship with them is allowing your trauma to be relived.

People are quick to say ‘get therapy’ like it’s a quick fix, or even a fix at all. It doesn’t work for everyone, and some wounds don’t heal.

Expecting OP to come face to face with her trauma, unfortunately embodied by foster children, isn’t going to help her. It’s likely to compound her trauma, and I doubt it would have a positive impact on said foster child/children.

OP, you’re not being unreasonable. I’m sorry your daughter isn’t hearing you.

Obviously it's not an ideal situation and it could be perceived as being nasty to the (still theoretical) child but this is your response to trauma you've suffered and it's absolutely not your fault if it's not following a lovely logical path. I'm disappointed that your child is treading roughshod over your feelings like this.

I'm absolutely no expert on this but could you see yourself building up to spending time with the child and hopefully getting some peace and healing yourself in the process? It's absolutely ok to say no, I just wonder if the therapy hasn't helped if maybe something like this might, some people find more acceptance of themselves from accepting others.

Ignore anyone who is condemning you. They don't have a fucking clue as to what they're talking about, and they don't know you. You are entitled to feel any way you want to.

Ive halted many an assessment over the years when applicants had this view about themselves (which is obviously not the situation OP finds herself in)

Its wholly naive and potentially dangerous for the children (let alone the OP in this case)

I agree with @bellac11 💯 on this.

Lots of people have bad experiences in life and are triggered by things such as going to a school seeing teachers or getting on a bus but you cannot blame people in Foster care you are being unreasonable you cannot assume Foster children will be anything like what you have experienced previously and your way of thinking needs therapy

Not sure if that came across typed out but just in case - I'm on your side here. They can be as reasonable as they like but it doesn't mean a trauma response will be and ignoring that is grade a twattery.