I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

@Elsiebear90 its not cruel to not have the foster children in OP’s home. Best thing would be for none of the kids her Grankids included to go round house. She can have a perfectly good relationship with all of the kids without needing them in their house. This idea of grandmothers hosting all the family round for Sunday lunch very Sunday is twee and just not the case for most. Make the most of nice cafes, parks, farms, walks etc to maintain the relationship with grandkids and slowly get to know the foster child at her own pace

Yes indeed.
The DC are deluded if they think they can help a traumatised foster child while being blind to the lifelong trauma of the ex-foster child in their own family.

I don't think any foster child should be put in the position of being OP's exposure therapy this isn't good for either the child or OP, both of whom deserve respect and care.

If you are a regular part of your dd's family life at present I wouldn't approve her as a FC. It has the potential to be damaging for everyone concerned.

There are other avenues of support your dd can offer dc in care.

I'm really sorry for your past, but you're being unreasonable (sorry!).

How do you feel about yourself as a child in foster care?
The fact this triggers you shows such trauma :( please get therapy.

this little child could be like you

I agree with this poster OP. All the best x

Not that simple, I suspect. This kind of attitude would lead only to a major family rift. The onus has to be on the OP to get over this (I don't mean that in a lighthearted or unsympathetic way).

I'm so sorry you had those experiences, OP.

My father adopted my distant cousin, who'd had a traumatic home life and lost his mother. I don't blame my father for doing what he felt was the right thing. But I do blame him for not fully considering the impact upon us.

My cousin was extremely violent and much of my childhood was hell because of it. My mum couldn't cope. I grew up, left home (he being older had already left hy that time) then later, he was rehoused nearby me. & he started threats and aggression again.

Due to his antics I ended up having to be rehoused, with 2 small children, miles away to where I knew nobody and had no family or friends support.

The whole situation killed my parents' marriage, and ultimately mine.

People can talk all they want about therapy. But unless you've had to grow up with someone living in your home where you're meant to be safe, who smashes up the home and then fights with you - then its hard to 'get it', I think.

& You never forget.

To be honest I'd feel same as you. I preserve my peace and won't have anyone tell me what to do.

A friend was telling me about a boy she'd fostered, holding a knife to her son's throat. She said thank God she got home in time as you never know, the outcome could have been terrible. I sat listening to her with my jaw dropping.

I'm not saying all foster children are violent. I am saying, do what you feel is best for you OP although sadly I think you may lose your family over it.
They've no right to bully you and minimise your experiences as they are.

You and what you've been through matter as much as anyone else does

Of course it is if the others kids go round regularly, she’s clearly excluding them, kids aren’t stupid, they will realise the others kids go to granny’s house and they’re never allowed.

OP, Your grandchildren are about to have their lives turned upside down by fostering. A stable ongoing relationship with their loving grandparents will help steady and reassure them. Something to remind your DC. After all, you are the care-experienced person, not your DC (who sounds extremely naïve).

OP, you’re not being unreasonable here. I say this as someone who works with children in care - not because of the children but because of the implications for you. This would be traumatic for you, and if your DC can’t understand why then I’m not sure how they will understand children placed in their care. These children deserve good, loving, understanding homes and there is a shortage of foster parents but I hope the social workers assessing take time to explore this with your DC.

I've never thought of things quite like this before but perhaps it is actually the case that I'm truly not a suitable candidate to be around foster children. Not that I would be actively abusive to them but that I myself am damaged. There is no shame in this, it is a plain fact born of my experience. In which case, my dc would be doing the right thing by keeping them away. And if that meant going LC with me, then that would be the best choice for my dc to meet their own needs/wishes & that of their fosterling.

Why are you assuming this is just about having the FC in her house. Her post can also be read that she doesn't want anything to do with them:

That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them.

That sounds to me like sure won't have anything to do with the FC. It would be helpful if the OP clarified this.

If that is the case, how do you propose the OP continues a relationship with her GC if she won't have the FC in her presence? How can that be fine without causing further sadness to the FC?

As others have said, maybe a compromise can be found. It’s an incredibly difficult situation, and I can see where you’re coming from, but I also think it’s admirable that your DC wants to do this. Is it possible, do you think, that when (if) they have a foster child, you could visit them at their home, or some other ‘neutral’ territory? That way, you keep your sanctuary, and you meet a child, maybe talk to them a bit, play with them, and just generally be nice… but take a big step back from any trauma related behaviour issues. With an understanding with DC that you can leave any time you’re feeling triggered - almost like exposure therapy I guess? Maybe I’m talking rubbish 😊

I’m sorry you experienced this, no child should. 😞

If, and only if it works for you, would it be possible to maybe meet the family elsewhere, a park or something. Maybe meeting the children somewhere neutral would give you the opportunity to see them as people, individuals in their own right and maybe you'd be able to get past them being foster children.

I hope you can work something out, being cut off from your DD and DGC would be so sad.

@Elsiebear90

did you actually read my post??

Best thing would be for none of the kids her Grankids included to go round house. She can have a perfectly good relationship with all of the kids without needing them in their house. This idea of grandmothers hosting all the family round for Sunday lunch very Sunday is twee and just not the case for most. Make the most of nice cafes, parks, farms, walks etc to maintain the relationship with grandkids and slowly get to know the foster child at her own pace

i repeat - it would be a case of ALL the children, OP’s grandkids and the foster children not going to OP’s house

And the daughter is saying none of them will go if one can't so while it will be upsetting I don't think one view is more important than the other. If her DC had said 'you'll never see any of us again' I'd say the DC is unreasonable.

I don't think either is being unreasonable as it stands but when PP are saying the daughter is basically cruel and demanding things, I don't know where they're getting that from. She'd be an awful Foster carer if she intentionally made the child feel excluded when the OPs own issues stem from being mistreated in Foster care.

Best case scenario is obviously if they can work through this together but that is looking unlikely (not the OPs fault) so a compromise is the only thing that will work and you never know, things might change further down the line.

My experience of having an adopted sibling and the impact it is still having means I would never consider fostering or adopting. Not because I don’t want children to be given a loving home. Of course I do. But because I recognise that the experience I had growing up and the experience that my family is still having (suicide attempts, mental health illness, violence) means that I wouldn’t be able to provide the incredibly stable environment that a foster child would need. All the posters saying that the needs of the foster child come first are quite right but are massively missing the point which is that the family unit as a whole including grandparents needs to be on board with the being able to provide this.

The fact that the daughter cannot see this beautifully demonstrates that she doesn’t fully understand what a child in the care system needs.
lots of rose tinted glasses on this thread about it just involving helping a troubled child.

Yes I read you post, but that’s not what OP is suggesting is she? She wants to have her biological grand kids round her house like normal and exclude the foster kids, and many people are defending this. She also said she doesn’t want to accept the foster kids and will reject them, which sounds like she has no plans to have nice days out with them as you’re suggesting.

@Ihatethenewlook I'm sorry if my post upset you. My point was about damaged and neglected children, which many children in care are. It's not the children's fault and of course they are as deserving of all the love and care as any other child.

But if you have worked with children who have been abused or neglected, you will know that often it's not as simple as just giving them love. It's a challenging and difficult thing to do and OP is allowed to opt out.

It isn't reasonable to expect OP to be able to magically overcome years of developmental trauma that therapy hasn't removed so far.

It isn't reasonable to place vulnerable children in a placement where their existence damages currently functioning family relationships.
This would lead to additional stresses that no vulnerable child should be asked to carry.

Not everyone is in a situation where they can foster and I am far from convinced OPs dd is.
She is showing no awareness of developmental trauma or concern for the family she currently has. Both important when fostering successfully.

AIBU isn't the place for a thoughtful discussion about this. As you can see, you'll be inundated with 'advice' and 'judgement' from posters who have no experience of fostering, the care system or complex trauma.

You are completely entitled to safeguard your home. Your DC is showing admirable misunderstanding in trying to heal your childhood trauma by showering love on a proxy foster child whilst re-opening your wounds.

Would you consider some family counselling with your DC? They sound rather naive about your life and about fostering.

Oh my, that must so tough. I cannot indigene the feelings it brings up. I know you can see where your DC is coming from, but that’s a lot!

If your DC fosters a child, they will be a child. A stranger at first, and then you will get to know them. You don’t have to have anyone in your house you’re not comfortable with. I wonder if, when you got to know them as an individual, you might feel more comfortable? A generic ‘Foster Child’ could possibly become someone you are comfortable with, but it would take time (at their house, and other places). If it’s happening anyway, I agree that therapy might be helpful, but I’m sorry you’re in this position.

GREAT POST

So would you really want to lose all contact with your DC and your DGC, to avoid contact with an unfortunate random foster child, because of your own dreadful experiences. Or might it be better to accept that your own experience was terrible but your DC is going to give an unlucky child a better chance.
You did not deserve what you went through as a child, but to make a decision to cut off your DC and DGC because of it seems like adding to the 'damage'?
Sympathies OP, you definitely deserved better from your childhood.