I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

I don't agree. Firstly, I don't think most SWs would see pursuing your own life and your own family structure as being particularly objectionable even if someone's DM strongly objected due to trauma.

The issue for me as a social worker is that OP is part of the family structure, it sounds as though she is an integrated part of her dd's family life.

By perusing fostering dd is risking exposing fc to this stress, possibly causing these fc to be the cause of resentment by dd's dc if their relationship with OP is impacted.
Also dd's support network will be reduced at the exact time it is going to be most needed.

That isn't even considering the issue of dd being happy to ignore trauma when it suits.

Have you thought what you would have done if your DD was unable to have children and was unsuccessful with adoption - many people are. If she then went the foster care route would you still not have them in your house? For a grown up , and presumably at least middle -aged woman it all sounds very self-absorbed. That's why I mentioned cutting off your own nose. It might be worth thinking about. What you do is of course your own decision. Nobody can tell you what to do but you might want to have a think about the future. It seems you aren't listening to anyone except those who agree with you.

There have to be other options for DD. Providing respite care for SEN children comes to mind. That way she could help keep a family together and avoid the children needing to go into full-time care.

Less likely to trigger OP, DD probably gets a longer relationship on a friendlier basis with the families, and gets paid as well.

Too many posters here thinking of the daughters needs which just shows the lack of understanding around just how difficulty fostering can be. If you truly think of the childrens needs -existing and potential foster children, it’s blatantly obvious this placement would not be a good idea. OP is the only person who is selflessly thinking about the needs of the children.

For a grown up , and presumably at least middle -aged woman it all sounds very self-absorbed. That's why I mentioned cutting off your own nose. It might be worth thinking about.

Wow, @marvellousmaple

I sound self-absorbed! Did you read my last post?

Yes, and I have enough emotional maturity to know my limitations, step-back and let my dc fulfill their dreams if this is what they wish for. Though it would be sad, I've decided I wouldn't stand in their way.

What part of that sounds self-absorbed?

It is a sad fact that people with deep trauma are judged and castigated for not snapping out of it.

No you do not sound self absorbed, you sound like a person with great self awareness who is doing her utmost to manage enormous trauma and personally I think you can feel very proud of all you have achieved. Even coming on here and standing up for yourself is admirable given that you were denied a voice throughout your entire childhood.
I’m just so sorry that you are in this unhappy situation.

@Bitterwounds There are a lot of people on MN who live in a world utterly devoid of nuance. Everything is either/or. Should or Shouldn’t, Is or Is Not. I suspect that they have never been anywhere or done anything to have their black and white ideas challenged. I often imagine them crying “But what about the children?” When they have blindly refused to see that the people they are interacting with are making decisions all around them based on a plethora of experiences/ideals/moral standards/emotions/creative and practical skills and abilities that they can’t begin to comprehend.

Completely agree.

I think the OP has enormous empathy and self awareness, unlike so many posters who believe she should suck it up.

I think your daughters lack of the above will hinder her hugely in fostering and I would be very concerned if she got through the process.

To have so little empathy for her mother, whom she knows would make you wonder how she would find same for a child she wouldn't know.

I'm so sorry OP that you have this additional upset foisted on you by your daughter.

Op posted under aibu but is not even considering the majority opinion who thinks she's bu.

If your dd can't foster because of you, they'll resent you. If she does and you want nothing to do with them not even giving them a chance Fc would feel unwanted when your gc visit but they can't come with. Your actions and attitude are going to hurt others.

Sorry about what you went through, but now there are other children who need help. There are too few Foster families available as there is. For someone who went through this system you lack empathy and are thinking of yourself. The thread seems to have been hijacked by a few loud voices but that's not the majority opinion op. Sorry.

Yabu
And they will not go LC with you. Theyll end up resenting you and shut you out of their lives.
They are hoping to do good.
You should be on board for that.

I'm using the app which doesn't give the option to vote - and I'd vote YANBU - maybe some other posters are the same.

Oh the irony of you in all your extraordinary cluelessness accusing the OP of lacking empathy.

Yes, here is the link to the ‘becoming a foster carer’ pages on the GovUK website for all those who feel entitled to make a decision about how the OP should choose to live her life. As someone mentioned up thread, there are not enough foster carers in the UK so maybe one or two of you could step up to the plate?

www.gov.uk/becoming-foster-parent

I write as someone who fostered for seven years and adopted two children as a single parent, in case anyone accuses me of ‘lacking empathy’ Fostering is the classic ‘job’ that everyone thinks someone else should do and then judges and finds wanting all those who have examined their consciences and decided, for whatever reason, that it is not the vocation for them.

We are current foster carers and regardless of how much training and knowledge you have, I think all of us are naive up to a point. We were both in child related jobs with lots of training, raised our son, and certain events have still left us feeling broken at times. On several occasions I've told my DP I can't go on like this, but we're still here!
We waited until our son was fully independent before we started. We didn't think it was fair having BC lives affected because of something WE wanted to do. Yes it can work well and BC can learn great empathy, but if it goes wrong or you have terribly traumatised children that can be a negative for the family .
You obviously have severe trauma from your experiences and even with therapy those experiences are still there and I can get why you feel the way you do. It's not about the individual children it's about the memories, the system, the trauma and PTSD. Trauma never leaves, your body still reacts but you just find ways of coping when it strikes.
That said I do agree that the children should be treated as family and I would not take our FC anywhere unless they were treated the same as BC/nephew/nieces etc. Ours were bridesmaids/pageboy at my sister's wedding.
Is this about your home? It's your safe place, your sanctuary etc . If so would you be willing to meet up at the park, their house etc?
If they have started training there will be massive research into their family, their backgrounds (and I mean massive, really quite intrusive) and these things will get discussed in depth.
Personally I would try and sit down and have a frank conversation with them. Tell them this is not about the individual children, how can it be, you've not met them . Explain calmly that what this triggers in you (they will quickly learn the effects that being looked after has on children and into their adulthood)! And how can you be involved without it being in your home, which maybe something that could develop in the future.
I hope you manage to get something that works for all of you, you really don't want to miss out on your DGC lives.

I've name changed for this as potentially outing.

My father was killed in the NI troubles, when I was very young. My wider family are of course hugely traumatised by it, and it impacts every aspect of their lives in various ways.

I've grown up to be passionate about reconciliation. I'd love to be actively involved in it, but I recognise that for my family, this would be seen as a betrayal and would cause more stress and pain to people who suffer every day because of what happened.

So instead of being actively involved, I speak with people when it comes up, support reconciliation charities and am raising my children to be as anti-sectarian as possible. Yes it's a compromise for me, and yes I could potentially do more good to the wider community by ignoring my family's trauma, but nothing in life is black and white.

In the same way, I think your daughter can see more than most the need for good people to foster. She needs to decide whether doing that is important enough to her to knowingly cause you pain and trauma. You need to decide where your boundaries are and work with your therapist to keep yourself safe and try to maintain your relationship with her. I actually don't think that there are any bad guys here, and I hope that you can keep open dialogue and navigate these decisions together in a respectful way.

Sorry. So just the thought of having a person of any age in your home who was raised by a foster family "triggers you"? What exactly happens? DO you throw things ? Scream at the plumber to leave the house if he mentions his foster mum? Of course you don't.
So it's just the children that upset you?
What age do they become human beings to you and not "foster kids"?
Whoever your therapist is, you need to sack them.
And yes you are self-absorbed , I'd say worse but I'm trying to be nice as apparently you have a traumatic background.
So do lots of us ,by the way, have traumatic things happen in their lives, doesn't mean we reject our own children.
I will leave it as you are only listening to people who are validating you - and I'm sad about that as I think you will lose your relationship with your daughter, just to prove how traumatised you are.It's not a competition.

@marvellousmaple i agree. Op needs to solve her issues and start listening other viewpoints. You are being very unreasonable op. And you need to not confine yourself to only people who validate you. There's no growing in that, only pain and stagnation and hurting others. And other fc like you.

I'm using the app which doesn't give the option to vote - and I'd vote YANBU - maybe some other posters are the same.

My app allows it. Furthermore a difference to this extent couldn't be explained by outdated apps.

My app doesn't allow me to vote.

But I think the issue is that large numbers of people have no idea about the impact of developmental childhood trauma or what children in foster care need in the way of placements.

Or that maybe people just don’t believe that adults are responsible for nor need to arrange their lives around the traumas of other adults.

In regard to your comment about placements, you have no idea about the suitability of the OP’s DD or whether the OP is indeed part of her DD’s larger support network. I’d imagine, for starters, there are another set of grandparents involved. The OP hasn’t divulged the nature of her involvement or relationship with her DD and her grandchildren.

@backtobusy

And just to pick up on the point you make about people having a lack of knowledge on the impact of developmental trauma, since I’m assuming you consider yourself to be knowledgable, you will surely know that trauma does make individuals self focused with a need to control their environments.

It is an understandable coping strategy, but something that is commonly worked on in therapy because it is unrealistic to think one can control their environment or the actions of others indefinitely. And trying to will destroy relationships.

It is unhealthy for any other adult to assume responsibility for the triggers and emotions of another adult, whether that person has trauma or not. And I would imagine that, given you consider yourself knowledgeable in regards to trauma, you would know that any individual who does shoulder the responsibility of other people and their emotions is acting from their own trauma response and that they need to work on saying no and living their own lives.

It is worrying to see so many women on here encouraging codependent and people pleasing behaviours in other women.

@Vivi0 you are like a dog with a bone, you just won’t let go will you.

OP is not demanding her dad arrange her life around her trauma, that is a gross and deliberate misinterpretation of the situation.

She is asking, as any self aware adult should, that her boundaries be respected.

None of us has a right to be in someone else’s home.it is the daughter who needs to take responsibility for her (questionable) decision making by considering how it will impact her relationships.

The environment OP is aiming to control is her own house.
It might be that in the longer term it would be more beneficial for her if she were able to work through the responses invoked in her by having children who are in care in her house.
It might be as she says that despite therapy she simply isn't able to do this.
Either way given it is her own house and her own trauma responses it is OP's decision how she manages this.

We don't know how much contact OP has with her daughter and grandchildren. If it were very minimal contact and there was a significant physical distance between them it would be a much smaller issue than if they lived closer and has regular contact.
The fact that visiting has been discussed between mother and daughter inclines me to think it is the latter.

OP is responsible for her own behavior but it isn't unreasonable for her family to support her. Taking a pet spider to visit a friend who has arachnophobia wouldn't be considered decent behavior. Even if exposure therapy might be an effective treatment and there was nothing actually intrinsically negative about the spider.

The biggest issue is that it isn't responsible to meet the wishes of the daughter to foster if you are setting up a situation where the arrival of a foster child causes significant changes in the family relationships.
This is an unfair and damaging situation to put an already vulnerable child in.
It doesn't really matter whether mother or daughter are " right".
It is simply not going to be a good placement.

Taking a pet spider to visit a friend who has arachnophobia wouldn't be considered decent behavior.

wow. we are talking about children here who have been through trauma. amazing...

Yes exactly.
If you wouldn't take a spider why on earth would take a child.
As I said in my post
This is an unfair and damaging situation to put an already vulnerable child in.

People are acting as though there are no concerns about using vulnerable children as OP's unwanted exposure therapy.
That OP should accept this and in addition there are no concerns for the foster children either.