I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

@Vivi0

A foster child needs someone who can understand the enduring life long consequences of developmental trauma. OP’s daughter is showing that she has a lack of understanding of this. Hence she is not a suitable candidate for fostering.

can you really not understand that??

Nice catch-22 you have there.

If she dosn't understand her mother's trauma she shouldn't adopt.

If she understands her mother's trauma she wouldn't adopt.

How is the DD demonstrating this? You are basing this assumption on the limited information the OP has posted.

As I said, if anyone understands the lifelong consequences of trauma, it will be the child of a traumatised parent.

I will say it again, how can you not understand when she has literally explained it? She finds it triggering. Why will you not accept that? And she is taking responsibility for managing her trauma, that is exactly why she is putting in the boundary.

your whole take on this can be summed up as, I was in foster care therefore.

@SleeplessInEngland

shes not adopting, she’s looking to foster.

and no she shouldn’t foster because of the impact it will have on her mother. Her mother deserves compassion from her daughter and for her to not do something that will cause yet more psychological harm to her.

I can see why your dd has got your back up, she is basically telling you how it's going to be and holding you to ransom with the threat of loss of contact between you and your dd and her children.

Having said that, I would play this smart. Don't be adamant in your responses, be non-committal. So if dd asks if you will you treat the all children equally, say lyou understand her worries but et's discuss the details when a fostership is confirmed and we know more details about the child.

You never know, the whole idea may lose steam.

Her daughter deserves to live her life, fulfil her and her husband’s ambitions and desires and have the family set up they want despite her mother’s trauma. It’s extremely entitled thinking to believe your issues should prevent others from having the life and family they want and is manipulative to post things like “if she really loved and cared for her mum she wouldn’t do it”. My MIL is a narcissist and this is the exact type of stuff she comes out with. Why are OP’s issues surrounding foster children more important than her daughter and husband’s desire to be foster parents?

Your issues are your responsibility, no one else’s. There’s nothing in OP’s post to suggest her daughter is doing any of this to spite or upset her. It’s also quite far fetched to believe someone would look after children from troubled backgrounds with all the stresses involved just to piss their mother off, and again shows narcissistic thinking to believe this is the reason she wants to foster. And as for stating she’s clearly a psychopath….

Some very toxic and disordered thinking going on in this thread.

The DD can choose practically anything to help children, instead she chooses the one thing she knows will hurt her mother the most. That makes the daughter the narcissistic one. The daughter doesn't care who she hurts, as long as she gets what she wants. It's toxic and disordered thinking to think one person should do what they want regardless of who they hurt. Someone who is selfish and lacks compassion or the ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes is indeed a psychopath. Read up the diagnosis for psychopath. It literally is what it is.

Regardless, the daughter's narcissistic determination to hurt her mother in the ONLY WAY that she knows will hurt her, will result in the DD losing her mother. And the GC losing their grandmother. I hope it's worth it for the daughter.....

@Elsiebear90

i guess it boils down - would you really want to do something that you know will upset and re-traumatise your mother? For most of us, the answer to that would be no. OP’ daughter has been described as selfless by a few on here, but I think given her mothers trauma if she were to peruse fostering she would be the opposite of selfless - she is putting her own wishes and desires at the forefront of someone else’s

I also think if the dd was truly concerned about her mother, she would have handled this more sensitively. The dd seems to have gone about things in a way that will cause maximum upset.

Why are OP’s issues surrounding foster children more important than her daughter and husband’s desire to be foster parents?

There's a husband here? Not mentioned. If there is, his opinions and feelings will be taken into account too. If he's an ex, he will also be interviewed, as father of the existing children.

Fosterlings need all kinds of professional involvement and intervention. The DD needs to be the kind of person to implement professional advice. They also need to cope with contact with original families, who may not be at their most rational best. They'll need to take a lot on trust from SS and get used to not being given critical info at times. If they're already hitting Mum with a big emotional stick, I'd be concerned at their ability to sail through the above in a calm and helpful manner.

You can’t compare an adult with trauma to a child, people are making a hell of a lot of assumptions about OP’s daughter based on extremely limited information.

At what point do we stop considering the trauma of adults? As soon as they hit 18? Then it’s up to them to just suck it up and if they don’t they’re assholes?

OP is traumatised. It isn’t about her being reasonable or unreasonable. It’s a visceral response, not a rational one. Years of therapy haven’t changed that. Sometimes that can never be changed, even with all the therapy in the world.

We don’t know the OP’s relationship with their daughter, but if it’s a good one it’s a strange decision to make, to do the very thing you know will cause pain for someone you love. It does beg the question as to what the motivation is. Sometimes the most altruistic choices on the surface are motivated by vindictiveness. If that’s the case then no, it’s not a good thing that the daughter becomes a foster carer. Hopefully, if she gets that far, assessment will be able to determine this.

Meant to quote the top paragraph^

We don’t know the OP’s relationship with their daughter, but if it’s a good one it’s a strange decision to make, to do the very thing you know will cause pain for someone you love. It does beg the question as to what the motivation is.

My two guesses based on the limited information:

1. the relationship wasn't that good to start with. Perhaps the daughter doesn't see severing ties as a great loss versus wanting to foster.

or

2. the mother didn't make clear her level of the trauma until he daughter (and possible husband?) had already decided on foster care.

A lot of other people on the thread are running with 'the daughter is doing it to spite the mother' which, when you consider the commitment needed to actually go through with that, is faintly ludicrous.

At what point do we stop considering the trauma of adults? As soon as they hit 18? Then it’s up to them to just suck it up and if they don’t they’re assholes?

No one can just “suck up” their trauma and no one is saying they should.

As adults, however, it is up to them to find ways to deal with their trauma to limit the effects it has on others. That is in no way unreasonable. You cannot, as an adult, expect others to consider your needs above their own.

If the individual does not take steps to manage the impact their trauma has on others, whilst it doesn’t make them assholes, it can most certainly push people away.

Exactly, we have no idea how much OP’s daughter knows about her trauma and issues, for all we know she knows nothing other than her mum doesn’t want to accept foster children because she thinks they steal and destroy things.

Considering the effort, stress, responsibility and intrusion into her life it’s ridiculous to assume she’s made this decision to hurt her mother.

@Vivi0

Op’s daughter fostering is a want not a need. She wants to foster she doesn’t need to do it.

OP NEEDS to establish and maintain her boundaries in order to protect her mental health.

A lot of other people on the thread are running with 'the daughter is doing it to spite the mother' which, when you consider the commitment needed to actually go through with that, is faintly ludicrous.

When you consider that the daughter has many avenues for how she helps children, to deliberately do the one thing that will hurt her mother the most - is an active decision. A deliberate decision. Deliberate spite or unconsciously, it's ludicrous to no question the motivation of the daughter to do the very one thing, out of hundreds of others, that will hurt her mother the most. It is most odd that she deliberately chooses it.

Secondly, as we well know, many people become foster parents who are abusive and have no care for children. Some go into it for dubious reasons. I think it wouldn't only be ludicrous, but totally naive to think that every one who goes into foster care truly understands the commitment required, or perhaps are just doing it for extra money.

And she has every right as an adult to do what she wants, she’s not responsible for her mothers issues. If her mum doesn’t like it she can put boundaries in place or reduce or cut contact, if her daughter doesn’t like this she can do the same. You can’t manipulate people into not doing things because you have issues.

Many people become foster parents who are abusive and have no care for children. Some go into it for dubious reasons. I think it wouldn't only be ludicrous, but totally naive to think that every one who goes into foster care truly understands the commitment required, or perhaps are just doing it for extra money.

If you're that mean-spirited abouter foster carers then no wonder the the daughter is already guilty in your eyes. I wonder if even the OP sees her like that.

@Elsiebear90

It might just be that OP doesn’t have the grandkids and foster kids round to her house. And just sees them on her own terms at a level that’s bearable to her. So long as her daughter doesn’t berate her or guilt trip her or whatever for that, that’s fine.

You have no idea of the DD’s motivations or drives for wanting to foster.

Maybe the DD considers her life unfulfilled by not fostering. It would therefore be a need from her perspective.

I am not saying the OP cannot have boundaries around the foster child. But if the DD considers her mum’s boundaries to be harmful to the foster child, then she is perfectly entitled to take steps to ensure that she is protecting the well-being of the foster child.

It may not be the outcome either the DD or the OP want, but DD will be doing the right thing in relation to her foster child.

Many people have to take steps to protect the well-being of their children, I don’t see why a foster child would be different.

Exactly

@Vivi0

Maybe it is a need then. It must be pretty strong if the daughter is willing to deny her own kids the opportunity to go their grandmothers house and potentially see her less often. Because that WOULD be on the daughter not on OP. Op has been clear what is her boundary is, it the daughter that is hearing this and going forward regardless whatever the cost to her own DC’s.

Again with the guilt tripping and passing the of responsibility.

Is it any wonder that so many people say, you know what, I can’t do this anymore, and walk away from the relationship altogether.