I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

It's the daughter's right to foster.

It certainly isn't anyones right to foster. It is the right of children in the care system to have safe and secure homes.

It is the right of children with their biological parents to have the same thing.

Children have rights, adults have responsibilities.

Sure.

But it is the DD's right to apply to foster. And if the assessment and approval process determines that she would be a suitable foster carer, then it is her right to foster (in accordance with the best interests of any children identified who could benefit from her care).

Her DM demanding that she either not do so, or that if she does so, she leaves her foster children at home when she comes to visit, is entirely unreasonable. She can obviously deny them entry, but her DD is entirely right to engage on that basis.

Her DM demanding that she either not do so, or that if she does so, she leaves her foster children at home when she comes to visit, is entirely unreasonable.

OP suffers from a significant ongoing trauma response that hasn't been removed despite significant levels of therapy.

It isn't reasonable of her dd to ignore this. Either for her mother, her biological children or foster children.

It is a shame that her daughters wishes to foster don't seem achievable given the wider family situation but realizing that would be the responsible decision for all the vulnerable people concerned.

Only if you think adult children are responsible for the trauma responses of their parents. They are not.

The OP's DD has as much right to decide how they want to structure their family for whatever reason they want to. There are professionals to decide if the DD is up to the task, but if she is, she should not be expected to put those desires on hold.

Would people be saying the same thing if the DD was adopting, rather than fostering? Would OP still be reasonable to essentially demand a veto over how her DD structures her family?

I wonder if you can just wait and see how it all plays out. It may end up not being as big an issue as you think. For example:

• Your DC may not get through the process or may change their mind


• They may have a couple of foster placements and then find it's too much for them, especially having their own children as well


• They may end up having short placements e.g. a night or two who you don't ever really need to meet


• If they do eventually have a longer term placement, you might find you end up meeting them a few times in a neutral place and gradually get to know them and it might be that eventually they no longer represent the whole care system or your traumatic past but are simply "James who lives with DC".

Good luck to you OP, I can totally see why you are finding it hard

I don't think that the adult dc is responsible for the trauma of another adult.
But the dd is part of a social network with her mother, one which benefits her own children currently.
As a SW who has worked in this field I wouldn't approve dd as a FC based on the information received so far.
Fostering is difficult and only becomes more so if a key person in the family network is going to be overwhelmed with trauma as a result.

It wouldn't be right to place vulnerable dc in a family with conflict and distress between family members created as a direct result of the fostering.

Neither would be positive to have the family relationships between the dc currently in family and their grandparent damaged.

I would also be concerned that dd had so little understanding of trauma and how it impacts people.
The lack of concern showed for OP would worry me as foster children are likely to display significant trauma responses at times.

The OP's DD has as much right to decide how they want to structure their family for whatever reason they want to. There are professionals to decide if the DD is up to the task, but if she is, she should not be expected to put those desires on hold

Yes she does, but I would question the suitability of someone applying to be a foster carer knowing that in doing so they are knowingly separating their own children from a DGP relationship whilst promising to support and uphold the fosterlings' family relationships.

Would people be saying the same thing if the DD was adopting, rather than fostering?

The OP made it clear up thread that since adoption is a different - adopted children would become her grandchildren. Foster children need to maintain their own family relationships which can be difficult and stressful with significant involvement from the care system - they would not be the DD's children

I'm not sure how the OP can declare that adoption is different.

If what triggers her is children who are fostered, then that is almost certainly what an adoptive grandchild would be at the point where her DC meets them and begins the transition process of bringing them home. If her triggers disappear if that child's path is towards adoption rather than fostering, then I question quite how much of this is really beyond her control.

As to your issue of whether professionals would approve the DD to foster, well if she gets rejected this issue doesn't arise anyway. But I wouldn't take for granted that an assessing SW would see things as you do.

In fact, I think a fostering applicant who said that they would want a foster child fully included in their home life and to be part of the family while they are with them, and that they will prioritise the child's welfare over any issues by their DM, would fare quite well.

In fact, I think a fostering applicant who said that they would want a foster child fully included in their home life and to be part of the family while they are with them, and that they will prioritise the child's welfare over any issues by their DM, would fare quite well.

You are welcome to your opinion, but even should the DC survive the assessment, I fear they would run aground with the actualities of a placement.

Except most adoptions are as a baby when they've had no trauma and the family they are adopted into is for life. Whereas fostering older children who have had trauma and moved from foster care to foster care is one thousand percent different.

I really don't understand how you can't see that adoption is nothing even remotely in the same stratosphere as fostering.

In fact, I think a fostering applicant who said that they would want a foster child fully included in their home life and to be part of the family while they are with them, and that they will prioritise the child's welfare over any issues by their DM, would fare quite well.

There are a couple of different things put together here.
Having a foster child fully included in home and family life is a good thing.

Being okay with ignoring a close family members trauma responses to get your own needs met isn't.
Being prepared to damage your own child's relationships with close family members to get your own needs met also isn't great.

Being okay with bringing already traumatized dc into a family situation where unresolved trauma is going to cause relationship conflict isn't healthy for those children.

YANBU - You have lived experiences and traumas. No one has walked in your shoes so cannot even begin to know the upset, damage and impact fostering has had on your life.
Fostering is your DC choice, NOT your choice and you shouldn’t be coerced into situations that are triggering. While I agree that what your DC is doing is admirable they should respect your decision and show a little more empathy to your personal situation.

I'm not sure you have any particular basis to come to that conclusion. Certainly no more basis than the professionals who will be assessing her.

I don’t want to derail the thread but I can’t let such ignorance pass. Most adoptions in the UK are not of babies. The average age of an adopted child joining their adoptive family is currently 3.5 years. Adopted children do have trauma; they experience domestic violence in the womb and they are exposed to drugs and alcohol which can have lifelong debilitating effects. They also experience the primal wound of being separated from the woman in whose womb they have grown and developed.

Adoption and fostering are different in terms of the legal and the (hoped for) permanency arrangements but all adopted and fostered children have suffered grievous loss. Adoption is not a magic bullet that can cure foetal alcohol syndrome or neonatal abstinence syndrome or erase a child’s memories of neglect, violence and abuse in a birth family home.

That's entirely wrong.

Most children adopted are not babies. The average age of children at adoption is just shy of four years old. What's more, many fostered children are younger. Many of them are babies in fact. Not all are older. And in many cases, SWs will look for a foster placement where they are the youngest in the family by a couple of years, so if OP's DGCs are quite young, any fostered child would also likely be even younger.

Beyond that, of course, most adopted children do have trauma. At the very minimum they have the trauma and loss of not being with their birth family. Many have experienced trauma in utero, like exposure to drugs, alcohol or domestic violence. Many more have experienced post-birth trauma like neglect or abuse.

Of course like fostered children, none of this makes them any less worthy of a stable, loving home where they will be included and made to feel part of the family.

If OP claims that her DD adopting a child would be fine, but fostering a child would be triggering, that suggests rather more choice in what triggers her than people are assuming, since there is no inherent difference in a child that is fostered rather than adopted.

Maybe OP means she would be willing to tolerate being triggered if the child is going to be her permanent grandchild, but again that suggests an ability to cope with her triggers which she is choosing not to deploy in the case of fostered children.

Snap!

If the only way they can respect OP's decision is:

(a) not fostering; or

(b) singling out her foster child when it comes to interactions with OP

then that is not a reasonable expectation of the OP's DD.

If OP were asking for some patience to adjust, or for some interaction outside the home, or for some adjustments that would help her feel more comfortable, that would be understandable and her DD would be unreasonable if she refused.

Demanding that either her DD not foster, or that she leave the foster child at home when DD brings her own children to visit is not reasonable, and DD is totally reasonable to refuse.

I don't agree. Firstly, I don't think most SWs would see pursuing your own life and your own family structure as being particularly objectionable even if someone's DM strongly objected due to trauma.

Maybe OP means she would be willing to tolerate being triggered if the child is going to be her permanent grandchild, but again that suggests an ability to cope with her triggers which she is choosing not to deploy in the case of fostered children.

Beinh triggered is a subconscious response to perceived threat, we don’t have conscience control over what does and doesn’t trigger us. We can learn to manage our response to triggers, to ground ourselves and learn ways to regulate our emotional and behavioural responses but not to just not be triggered. The OP said the triggers for her are around behaviours of fostered children based on her own experiences in care, and the trauma visited on her in foster care.

In one way those triggers may still be there with adopted children in that their trauma driven behaviours can be very challenging and often mirror those of children who remain in the care system. If the trigger is the impermanence of foster care, the issue may not arise with children who are placed for adoption.

thanks @marvellousmapleI appreciate that. I really hope all parties can find way through all of this.

YANBU. How the heck are the majority of voters saying you are unreasonable for not wanting foster kids in your home?! Have they all got foster kids in their home? Nope. Would they want unknown children in their home? Nope. I absolutely agree with you - and I too would not want foster children in my home, which is my home, and my safe place.

You are not obliged to have anyone at all in your home. Sounds like your DC is being entitled and taking your role in their life for granted.

They have romanticised the idea of fostering children and have failed to understand the reality of what they may be bringing into their life.

Maybe OP means she would be willing to tolerate being triggered if the child is going to be her permanent grandchild, but again that suggests an ability to cope with her triggers which she is choosing not to deploy in the case of fostered children

Delightful. So women with trauma who can cope in some situations and not others are manipulative and choosing to be traumatised. That is what you are saying, however you phrase it.

Do you have any experience or proximity to fostering? Whilst there is a prolonged approval process and reviews for adoption it is a transition to a permanent situation. Involvement with agencies and social services is around one child and not perpetual.

Fostering involves ongoing involvement with social services, trying to maintain often difficult relationships with children who at best are in difficulties. Not just once but a whole new set of issues ongoing with every new placement.

Can you really not see how they are totally different situations?

I would be very surprised if the assessment process did not pursue the apparent willingness to deprive the GDC of an existing familial relationships whilst saying they wished to foster those same relationships with foster children.

Blathering? Is that what you call it when someone points out how fundamentally wrong you are? Such ignorance on display there @SleeplessInEngland

And no, it is not the daughter’s “right” to foster. Dear god, you are clueless about this, aren’t you?

No one has a right to foster. And no one has a right to take their children, biological, adopted or fostered, into someone else’s home.

This thread is sad.

Debating more about who is wrong or right. How the daughter shouldn't be so Shefish in want to potentially Foster a child as she is not considering her mums trauma.

Who is to say she knew that let's be honest it's the word FOSTER child that has the potential to trigger. As the association is that all Foster children will be the same.

Which anyone can realise is not the case. Not all stepchildren adopted children even biological children are the same.

Then there is the op who through no fault of there own rather through experience via being in the Foster care system has trauma triggers.

Due to this again there is a good chance that some child now looses the potential of having a family of being helped.

It is not the mums or the dd fault it is a product of a system that clearly did not do what it was supposed to do for the op ( provide security, a home life and guidance to then help her).

If it had worked then the op would not have this trauma trigger and maybe more children would be placed in welcoming families.

I feel for both the mum and the daughter here. But most of all I feel for all the children because that's what they are. Children. Just like the op was. Who are crying out to be placed in a secure placement.

Yes Foster children have issues, so do sen children ( I have one). So do some biological children so do some stepchildren so do some adopted children.

Problem is a system that don't work and crap rolls downhill. ( look at stats for Foster children regarding attament, we're likely to end up etc).

It's the children who suffer the most because of this. It's sad and a great shame.

I personally think that the dd application to Foster will be turned down.

As they should be assessing who is wider support network and risks assessment.

Due to the mums trauma triggers this would pose a risk of seclusion from the wider support.

As most if not all children in the care system suffer from lack of attachment bonding. This could potentially trigger a trauma response in the Foster child.

I would be very surprised if they allow dd to Foster as it seems to be that it a migagting circumstance. Red tick on risk assessment

If dd chooses to break contact with her mum again that should be questioned as its breakdown in wider support network. And a breakdown in family dynamics should show cause for concern before a child is placed with a family.

Only other would be if mum was having ongoing support and therapy for trauma - in which she has stated has done but did not help.

Due to all of this I would be surprised if they did place a Foster child with dd.

Just my opinion.