I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

Maybe she just feels really strongly about wanting to be a foster parent, and quite rightly has decided she doesn’t need to base her life around her mothers issues.

She may feel this strongly, but she is proposing to base her life around other peoples issues. Can you not see a problem with that? The children involved will have similar trauma to the trauma she is telling her Mum to just magic away!

The daughter has chosen to dive head first into the source of her mother’s trauma. It’s not for her to manage it, but she of course has to accept that her mother is unable to offer her the support she’s looking for.

If the daughter and OP have a good relationship, it’s a strange decision. It’s also going to impact on the relationship OP has with her grandchildren. Her decision to pursue fostering is going to hurt her mother and their relationship, but it also runs the very real risk of hurting her own children. Is it still a good thing to do if in doing it, you hurt those closest to you?

She’s lived with the consequences of her mother’s trauma, but there’s a difference between that, and understanding it in any detached fashion. Trauma has a habit of being inter generational, and I do wonder to what extent it’s touched the daughter.

She isn’t choosing to hurt her mum! She is choosing to foster a child. Her mum is responsible for managing her own feelings and triggers, you cannot control the choices other people make, nor should you even try.

She is absolutely choosing to hurt her mum. OP has been very honest with her daughter about how triggering the plan is and the daughter is trying to force her hand. Very bullying behaviour on the part of the daughter and ffs why would you choose to retraumatise your mum under the guise of doing good?! Such a superiority complex. Anyway, the daughter is v unlikely to succeed in her fostering efforts given her inability to find compassion even for her family.

As others have said , the form F assessment will need to.include your views. It will impact on whether your daughter is accepted as carer. I think you will either have to be brutally honest which might effect her chances, or consider working with services /therapy to manage your anxieties. Fostering is so different today it could be a positive experience.

She isn’t choosing to hurt her mum! She is choosing to foster a child. Her mum is responsible for managing her own feelings and triggers, you cannot control the choices other people make, nor should you even try.

She is telling her Mum that she has to manage her trauma, and if her Mum fails to manage that trauma then she will not see her flesh and blood DGC.

By deliberately choosing to do the one thing that will hurt her mother the most, she is making that choice to hurt her mum. And you can't excuse it away by suggesting it's the mum's fault for being hurt and suffering trauma. A decent person wouldn't choose to hurt the person they love. If they knew their choice was going to cause so much hurt and pain, they wouldn't do it, unless they are completely devoid of all human feeling. They just wouldn't. She is making an active choice to hurt her mother through the one avenue she knows is guaranteed to hurt her most. Imo, that's psychopathic. I would never do anything I knew would hurt my mother especially if it was merely a choice and not a necessity ie job, moving. The daughter does not have to go into fostering and bring those children around OP. It's a deliberate and pointed choice she is making. She has many avenues she can choose to help children. But no. She chooses the one path that will hurt her mother the most. In doing so, the daughter will be responsible for splitting the family.

She’s isn’t telling her mum to magic away her own trauma. She is clearly setting a boundary that she has made a choice, and that her mum, as an adult, will need to deal with her own feelings and emotions around that choice. That she isn’t prepared to prioritise her mum’s feelings and hurts over the well-being of any potential foster child.

What is wrong with that?

Anyway, the daughter is v unlikely to succeed in her fostering efforts given her inability to find compassion even for her family.

Yes, the daughter seems psychopathic in her complete lack of emotion, feeling or compassion, she is one of the last people that should be fostering, and perhaps OP knows this as well. She can see history repeating because her DD is, clearly, not suited to being a foster parent.

What is wrong with that?

Then she will be setting the exact same boundary with both the foster child and her own children that their traumas are their responsibility to deal with. Not hers. Ummmmmmmm.

Everything is wrong with it. She is trying to force her mum into an extremely uncomfortable situation. As bullies do. As you are doing. OP doesn’t want anything to do with foster children, it’s too painful for her.

I would be the same with rape victims. I don’t care what anyone thinks, I’m not having my nightmare forced into my daily life.

I would never denigrate someone who chose to foster - it's an insane amount of work and can be a lifesaver for the child.

Some pretty shitty responses on here. The grandmother has chosen her line in the sand, she'll have to live with it if it goes through.

She is asking her mother to re-frame her trauma, because she is not willing to consider the needs of her mother, only her own selfish wants. That's what's wrong with it. It's been explained so many times, I don't understand how you cannot see this. The DD is a self-absorbed person with psychopathic and vindictive tendencies. The daughter has no business fostering as she is far too selfish and clearly can't put anyone's needs before her own. She has demonstrated she is totally unfit to foster.

I wasn’t judging OP for their trauma. I understand better than most the trauma of the care system. I didn’t understand how they could think it’s reasonable to ask her dc not to bring a child into her house because they are a foster child. I don’t understand how they are willing to sacrifice their relationship with their child over this without even making an effort to do something about it.
trauma response is valid, but as adults we have a responsibility to try and fix and manage that trauma. I just find it baffling.
I don’t think the OPs DC is being unkind, they are also allowed to set their own boundaries. They are saying you either take us all, or none of us. As a foster and adoptive parent i also take that stance. Anyone who tried to treat my adopted dc differently to my bio dc would get the same answer.

That she isn’t prepared to prioritise her mum’s feelings and hurts over the well-being of any potential foster child.
What is wrong with that?

Because it's her mother. You'd expect her to prioritise her over a stranger.

That she isn’t prepared to prioritise her mum’s feelings and hurts over the well-being of any potential foster child.
What is wrong with that?

Because it's her mother. You'd expect her to prioritise her over a stranger.

Maybe they don't get on in the first place. It's not at all clear in the thread.

I didn’t understand how they could think it’s reasonable to ask her dc not to bring a child into her house because they are a foster child.

I don't understand how you think it isn't reasonable. It is a very fair, reasonable and understandable choice for the OP to make.

but as adults we have a responsibility to try and fix and manage that trauma.

Part of managing that trauma is putting in boundaries in place so you aren't triggered or re-traumatised. And that, is exactly what the OP is doing. Stating her boundaries. If her 'D'D chooses to push on, she has shown she has no regard for family and will be the cause of the family being split.

What do we call people who force their way past our boundaries?

Bullies.

You can’t compare an adult with trauma to a child, people are making a hell of a lot of assumptions about OP’s daughter based on extremely limited information.

It’s incredibly narcissistic and toxic to think people should base their life decisions and family around you and your issues. OP’s daughter is allowed to become a foster parent and not subject her family to treatment she feels with be damaging and is unfair. It’s a shame OP has trauma and I have a lot of sympathy, but that doesn’t mean that her daughter has to base her life around it.

But we still don't know how much OP has told her DD about her present mental health. For all we know, she might have spent her daughter's entire life trying to minimise it, in order not to affect her. Because most of us want to spare our children that worry, even when they're adults.

I'm guessing that while DD knows some of it (hence her wish to help other children) she has no idea of the depth of OP's PTSD and the strength of the emotional reaction that OP can't control

I can’t even wrap my head around why you would think the DD would view the potential foster child’s trauma as something that is the child’s responsibility to deal with.

The OP is an adult and it is absolutely not unreasonable to expect an adult to deal with their own feelings, emotions and traumas.

A child - not so much.

Your comparison is so very, very odd. The OP is
not a child in her DD’s care!

I can’t even wrap my head around why you would think the DD would view the potential foster child’s trauma as something that is the child’s responsibility to deal with.

Because she is demonstrating rigidity of thought and black and white thinking. 'Don't like it, suck it up' mentality.