I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

This won’t risk the relationship with OPs children in reality.

Because in reality, the process to become a foster Carer is so long and involved. Along the way, the OPs DC will be shown that being a foster Carer isn’t what they think it is. The long and involved process will help them explore the reality which will involve delving into their past and that of their family. In all liklihood, they will never actually become foster carers, espceically when they realise the impact it will have on their own kids and especially because they very well won’t be approved with the kind of attitude they have shown towards OP. There are numerous stages of the process where potential foster carers realise the reality and drop out if the process. And there are numerous stages where potential carers and deemed not suitable by those assessing.

Well I guess you’ve made up your mind and it sounds like that’s end of your relationship with your DC and GC. Hey-go.

,'So welcome all the members of the family, or lose your relationship with your child and grandchildren. That's your choice essentially.'

YANBU I would state to your daughter that this is a hill you will die on, that by doing this she is re-traumatising you, that she needs to consider your feelings. And that by doing this she will be splitting the family and you won't be able to see her or your DC much anymore. Make sure she knows that you will not change your mind and you won't have the children over at your house.

And the the OP's child gets to choose that her children don't go to their grandmother's house.

OP this really stuck out for me For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time That's actually quite a narcissistic take on things - do you really think your child is turning theirs and their children's lives upside down to centre your experiences and 'mend' you? If that really were the case why then are they being so bolshy about you accepting the foster child if it would be so damaging to you?

I agree with pps, I think you should look into counselling - as you still seem stuck in your childhood experiences.

Yes, and I have enough emotional maturity to know my limitations, step-back and let my dc fulfill their dreams if this is what they wish for. Though it would be sad, I've decided I wouldn't stand in their way. This feels like a complicated situation that will evolve over time.

YANBU
I’d simply tell your child that you’re very sorry but this won’t work for you. If they change their mind they’re always welcome back.
They don’t get to be the good guys at your expense

Counselling! What a novel concept, something OP has clearly never availed herself to.

Good for you OP. It’s not easy to observe our own limits. People always try and push you beyond them, especially if you’re a woman.

Wanted to say hi, reading this thread has been eye opening for me, helping me to identify that I am suffering traumatic responses around children in my home. One adult child attempts to pressure me out of it, another (step) child accepts my feelings, while quietly judging me for them. Its tough going.

I get op.

YANBU. It's a boundary drawn by trauma- hard to redraw and you shouldn't have to, especially since it sounds like this is your post therapy limit; some things stay with you indelibly.

I agree with your assessment that your DC may be doing this from a kind but skewed place and from what pp with experience have said, this may highlight issues as they go through process. If they do get through, I hope you can find a solution.

I think you sound extremely thoughtful towards your DC and their desires knowing that what they want to do will likely hurt you and why. I don’t personally understand why your DC wants to pursue this, knowing that it could push their childrens’ grandparent away. I don’t know why they want to foist that potential division on their family for something that doesn’t have to be done.

I honestly don't agree with the lauding of OPs child as wonderful and selfless. What she is proposing would cause trauma to her own mother, possibly cost her own DC their relationship with a grandparent and bring big disruption to their lives in general.

You're looking at this from the perspective of what is best for you, due to your childhood issues. Your daughter is looking at from the perspective of what's best for the Foster children. But whose looking at for what's best for her children /your grandchildren? She's stated that you will not be able to see your grandchildren of you don't accept the Foster child/ren. What sort of trauma is that going to cause them?! One of you needs to bend for their sake

I don't know how possible foster parents are assessed but one parent brought up by a parent seriously damaged by a childhood in care might be a nono.

I agree. The lack of empathy for someone traumatised by the care system doesn't bode well for their potential as foster parents. There may be a way to work through this together but not if the DC are simply denying the OP's trauma.

Telling middle aged and older women to suck it up, suppress their own needs and concerns or "reframe their trauma" more conveniently for the wants of others is far too common.

I grew up the same as you in various children's homes and foster homes but even I think yabu.
Those children need people like your daughter

Well said.

The glee in some posters’ comments about the DD being rejected as a foster parent is disturbing.

I hope the assessor for your DC to become a foster carer spends time exploring their attitude towards you with them as they certainly need some training around the lifelong effects of trauma and empathy.

Suggesting that a child of a parent with trauma
needs training around the effects of trauma and empathy is laughable. So many shitty comments directed towards the DD on this thread.

I think the OP’s DD has a better understanding than most, given she was raised by a traumatised parent and even now, her life is still affected by her mum’s triggers.

At the end of the day, the only person responsible for the OP’s triggers is the OP. People are so quick to pass responsibility for the OP’s well-being onto the DD. You know that is highly dysfunctional, right?

As the child of a parent dealing with trauma, the DD will have had a lifetime of considering and prioritising her mother’s feelings. It seems like the DD is now defending her right to live her own life without it being dictated by fear, obligation and guilt. And that is perfectly okay.

I think the OP’s DD has a better understanding than most, given she was raised by a traumatised parent and even now, her life is still affected by her mum’s triggers.

Clearly the OP's DD does not have the slightest understanding of how this affected her mother if she is still willing to do it. The DD sounds heartless and like she has no clue at all.

But to do the exact same thing that caused her mother trauma? That's personal, almost vindictive from the DD. Of all the things DD could do, they choose THAT?

It is of course, perfectly okay for the DD to deliberately choose the vindictive knife in the heart to her mum approach to her life, but it's also perfectly okay for the OP to disown her or go NC/LC and have nothing to do with DD or grandchildren. So there is a cost to the DD's vindictive choice how to 'live her own life'. And it will all be the doing of the 'D'D.

Vindictive? Wow.

Your post perfectly illustrates the point I was making.

The fact is, trauma affects not only the individual, but those around them. It leaves a legacy. I’m going to submit that fostering is so important to the DD, not because she is trying to correct her mother’s childhood, but to make peace with her own.

Why are people assuming OP’s daughter is doing this to be vindictive or hurt her mother? Maybe she just feels really strongly about wanting to be a foster parent, and quite rightly has decided she doesn’t need to base her life around her mothers issues. OP’s traumas and triggers are not her daughter’s responsibility, she doesn’t need to sacrifice being a foster parent or subject her children and the children she’s caring for to behaviour she doesn’t agree with because her mother has trauma. It’s bizarre that people think she should and are posting gleefully about how they think she will be denied the chance to be a foster parent.

Yet by doing so, she is choosing to hurt her mum even more. Don't you see that?

Her daughter may not intentionally being vindictive, but she is choosing to do something she knows will hurt her mother. What sort of a child would do that? The DD can choose other things; donating time, helping with refugee children, literally anything, but she chooses to do the one thing that will hurt her mother the most.