I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

Oh, @Bitterwounds , I am so sorry that you were made to feel like this as a child. Noone should ever EVER make a child feel like this. The people around you were utterly wrong to make you feel like this.

💐for you.

I commented very early on in the post, after reading your further comments and others I change my stance on it.

I stick by my "your DC will be doing a wonderful thing for another child......" etc, but I also now think she needs to do right by the people currently in her family, you, and consider the effects it will have on your life/relationship.

Bet she’s never thought of doing that before.

It is misguided, given that you’re not a trained therapist in the position to know OP well enough to make an educated judgement as to whether it would be likely to help her, or make the situation infinitely worse.

It’s easy to throw out trite advice, but it’s generally better to at least bother to think it through when you’re dealing with a person impacted by deep and severe trauma.

This thread is sad.

Clearly the dc of the OP wants to help a child by fostering but the OP. is very aware that just the association of the child young person being a Foster child ( the name is the trigger here as from what I read from op updates she would not feel the same if it was an adopted child or biological child. Yet all children can mis behave steal). Back to point, it's not that it's a child that needs help but the deep routed trauma the OP associates with it being a Foster child.

Very similar to say trauma triggers some people have with a persons names, smell or even sounds.

The OP clearly cares about her own child and don't want to actually cause friction but is acutely aware this will pose an issue for them to Foster. Which to be honest I believe it will.

There is a post further back from a person who to be honest gave the best advice from what I could see.

I can also see that the OP said she has had therapy and still feels this way. I have no idea if that is ongoing or was of any help.

However my advice would be to maybe have some more therapy if she don't want to prevent her dc from being able to Foster. And if this is a boundary she can not work around. ( therapy don't cure don't make everything better rather helps to process the feelings and learn your own coping strategies and boundaries).

Then unfortunately it will be a case of if dc does Foster that family will be fractured.

This is not a case of right / wrong but rather the complexity of broken families and the care system. It shows how and why there is so many children in care.

OP - I wish you well and hope that you and your DC find a solution together.

I am sorry I do not have any advice to give. Or can answer what you should do.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable but rather it is a complex thing that requires support and guidance from trained professionals ( social care and therapist).

My post was long sorry, take care.

They have got FC yet!

what I expect is for them to respect that the OP has (understandable) trauma around this issue & for them to take a loving/respectful approach to it.

Not steam in like bulls in a China shop & tell her they're doing it & she has to ignore her trauma because they want to do this, so tough.

given their lack of empathy, understanding, it's unlikely they'll get that far anyway, thank god.

You had such a hard start in life OP, it's desperately sad. I really hope you can make peace with it some day.
I hope this comes out right, because it's a complicated thought in my own head.
I understand your reasoning for not wanting to get involved in fostering, but I think you must be proud that you have raised a child/children without letting that impact their thoughts on fostering, and who want to help a child in need.
Take care of yourself 💐

@Bitterwounds , I’m very late to this thread and, no, I haven’t read the full thing but your initial post really resonated with me. I write as an adoptive parent twice over and a former foster carer. And I do not blame you one jot for your gut-instinct response. Living with and caring for trauma-experienced children is incredibly difficult and challenging and, I imagine, even more so if it is triggering for you in terms of the abuse and neglect you suffered as a child.

What I would say is that it sounds like your DC is in the very early stages of the approval process and that you, as grandparents to existing grandchildren, would most probably be interviewed as to your views as part of your DC’s family and friends network. This would be a perfect opportunity for you to talk with assessing social workers about your personal experiences and your concerns.

Honestly, I think that many people approach fostering and adoption with a saviour mentality but the processes for both is gruelling and fairly self-selecting. It may be that once your grown DC starts the process and realises the reality of caring for children from the care system - and the need to always elevate the needs of a child looked after over the competing needs of a birth child within the family - that they may reassess.

I can imagine your circumstances and totally see where you are coming from OP. What you really need is your DC congratulating you on being able to give them a “normal”, stable upbringing despite your own trauma. I expect your DC introducing this complexity into your family dynamic undermines how hard you’ve worked to get where you are. My own DM had a very difficult childhood and I am eternally thankful of the “normal”, safe and caring environment she created for us when it wasn’t something she grew up with herself. Whatever your DC decides, you should be incredibly proud that you’ve raised a child so blissfully ignorant and resilient that they feel able to take on the extra level of responsibility a foster child brings.

Before I read your post and had only read the title, I was about to rant about how horrible and judgemental you were…and then I saw you’d been fostered and are worried about the painful reminder, even after therapy. I am 100% with you on this, in the sense that I understand why you don’t want this to happen. However, it’s going to come at a cost to your relationship with you family.

Anyone ever feel like "get some therapy" = snap out of it

Hi @Thelnebriati I wanted to give clarify as you highlighted an extract from my first comment. It was an observation that I made with my fostering assessor hat on. I posted again soon after explaining my position from a more personal view, which expresses my profound sympathy with her feelings. For what it’s worth, I actually think it would be unfair to all parties to continue the assessment at this point in time.

Perhaps I wasn’t clear but I didn’t literally believe the OP thought she would be stolen from
now. I was trying to break down the information she presented, which included comments of theft & cruelty by foster children. By stating that there is no reason to believe this would happen now I was discounting this in itself as the problem - it is clear fostering per se is deeply triggering - simply to close to home and triggering for the OP.

I hope that makes sense as I’m honesty the least likely person to not sympathise with emotional trauma. I really do see the point of view of the OP and have urged her to let her child know how she feels.

It’s ‘pull yourself together’ but with lipstick and a dress.

@Pinkespressomachine

Your the post that I believe gave the best advice.

I saw that too that just being told her DC is going for the assessment for fostering is already triggering trauma induced worry ( feelings of not wanting Foster children in the house as the association is that Foster children behave badly towards her. Don't matter that she is older, trauma triggers will put your right back to exactly how the person feels at that time. They are not something you get over rather learn skills. Biggest trauma skill is to avoid the trigger).

I hope the OP and her dc can find a resolve in regards to this for everyone involved.

Otherwise from what I can see will be 3 outcomes.

The dc has assesment is turned down to Foster due to migagting circumstances.

The dc Fosters but family has rifts.

The dc backs away from fostering due to mums triggers. But this again may cause rifts.

Like I said earlier this is sad. When so many in the care require support. But due to trauma not someone being unreasonable that Due to there own Foster upbringing what could have potentially a good steady placement for children won't be.

Just shows how complex it is to home children in care with families.

It's a shame really that a system that was designed to help actually has done the opposite. ( not saying it is all bad, just it's a shame).

Thank you m@Colourfulrainbowsfor your sweet comment. I agree with your points too.

This. You treat all the children the same but only to the level of involvement you can manage. This doesn't have to be no contact at all or all in no holds barred. There's a middle ground.

I think @pinkespressomachine has the best take on the situation.
Having said that as a mum of older children who has had their own degree of trauma i- I would do my best to mitigate the problem in this case. It sounds like you said " I'm not having one of those violent thieving children in my house and I know what I'm talking about" . I can understand your DD's reaction.
You have put yourself on a hard spot now.
If they get a approved as carers you have to make a choice. I know what O would do. Up to you though. You are certainly allowed to cut off your nose to spite your face if it will make you happy.

I was raised in care from age 4. It’s BECAUSE of that I find your position so baffling. To risk your relationship with your own child over this is just sad.

I agree with this ^^ . If your DD can't understand how you feel, she may not be very suitable to foster a child with multiple problems. I'd wait and see if she is found suitable to be a foster parent.

I feel so sad for you OP… and all children in the system and grown up children trying to leave it behind. I think you could be right that your kids are suffering from secondary trauma, or “trauma by proxy” (my term, I’m not sure it’s a thing…). A lot of children of Holocaust survivors report similar. Personally, I’m not a survivor of the system, but I am a survivor or childhood abuse. I thought that I had protected my kids from my experience, but I hadn’t. I have found one (who has ASD) report my story as hers. (Fortunately she realised later what she was doing, but this was extremely traumatic for both of us.) I do recommend EMDR therapy if you can find a good therapist. It is great to quickly reprogram the triggers and help “normalize” responses.
I also recommend a YouTube channel called “The Crappy Childhood Fairy” (yes, I know…) Which has great, bite-sized chunks about healing C-PTSD, and I can tell you that there is no way you don’t have that.

I am sorry your parents were pathetic excuses and your childhood played out how it did.

Perhaps it's not something you can ever truly heal from but possibly can accept and move forward from.

It sounds a very noble thing that your DC is doing and it is her prerogative to choose to foster.
Thought does need to be given to her own DC and the impact but I'm sure that is in hand.

I understand why you have made the choice you have and only you can decide on the implications of not welcoming. You have experienced first hand how it feels to be a child in the system. I am sure you have many many traumatic experiences that you haven't mentioned in your post that has led you to make the decision. I am sure it was not quick & easy and you carefully considered the potential outcomes.

I'm not sure I agree with posters saying, you should accept foster child as you know what it feels like. Your story is yours & how you deal with it, again yours. However I do think you should remain open minded to a degree for the sake of maintaining a relationship. Your DC also needs to show the same courtesy. I think slowly, slowly is the best approach while you all navigate this process.

I hope that you and your family can find a way to continue to be in each others lives that works for you all. Good luck

Firstly, I completely understand OP why you feel you can't have this back in your life again. I see none of my extended family as my Mum was abused and can't stand to hear the abuser talked about. I found it quite painful cutting them off as many were important to me, but I honestly think my Mum deserved to love her adult life free from her abuser.

I think your DC is being very naive about what they are getting themselves into. I work with vulnerable children, and I hugely overestimated how much love and support could 'fix' difficulties.

For what it's worth I think your DC is doing this because they love you so much. The want to help children like you. I think they are making the wrong choice but understanding that they are doing it for you in some ways may help.

"You are certainly allowed to cut off your nose to spite your face if it will make you happy." Nice comment there, missing the point of me owning my issues with complex trauma.

I have very complex childhood trauma. Different situation but the scars are still there.

I have children myself and just focus on loving them and helping them to be kind and generous people.

You're allowed to feel all of these things that you're feeling, but that doesn't stop the way you feel about your DC helping other traumatised children desperately, desperately sad.

@Bitterwounds there is one major consolation in all this for you. The process of being considered as FPs will be quite the growing experience for your DC. The lack of toleration of you and your trauma will be noted and commented on. It's a giant red flag.

OP your username is bitter wounds but you are not bitter. I am pretty sure you have PTSD and foster kids in your house would trigger it. Without going into details this sounds textbook to me for PTSD. It might be a good idea to see if you can see a PTSD specialist who would diagnose this for you, and explain to your kids why it is nowhere near acceptable to tell you to 'just accept it'. That would steamroller you and be horrible for you, and as any PTSD sufferer knows, it's not something that can be just 'gotten over'. When a trigger presents itself it can be brutal. Then the feeling like your emotions or trauma doesn't count just adds to the emotional difficulty, as would the guilt tripping that you are somehow a terrible person if you cannot accept foster kids into your home. You sound like a strong and lovely lady, but 'the body keeps the score' as one great book on PTSD puts it, and your body will switch to hyper alert danger mode the moment this trigger is alerted.

Sounds like your grown up kids have gotten very focused on foster kids being treated equally which is great but currently they have zero ability to see how they're forcing you into a corner. More understanding of your situation is needed here from them. Understanding PTSD - on their part - is IMO what's needed here.

It could even give you as well as your family coping strategies where you could take baby steps if you can, toward feeling more comfortable over time with the whole situation and a lot of good can come from that too.