Sons ex not letting us see grandchild

[zilli]

Our son met a girl a few months ago and had an on/off relationship which didn't work out and now she's pregnant.
She has said she only wants her family involved, as she wants to do this on her own, it's her baby and she doesn't need anyone else and although our son is saying this isn't right, he's afraid to rock the boat as she's already got him jumping through hoops saying if she doesn't put him on the birth certificate he won't have parental rights and she'll hold all the cards.
Is she being unreasonable to cut us out of our only grandchild's life before they're even born or is this her prerogative and we just suck it up.

Your son needs to be the one taking action.

Legal action to get his name on the birth certificate. Requests and then legal action of required for little and often contact with a small baby. Payment of maintenance for the baby. You see the baby in his time.

Your son can apply for part custody through the courts if he wishes. When it's his turn to have the child, you can see them then.

Surely when born, your son goes to court to prove paternity and get parental rights and arrange access?
And then you as his parents get access through him, ie whatever he arranges during his contact time?

When the baby is born, your son needs to go to court and get court ordered visitation. Obviously while the child is very young this will mean at her house but eventually he will (should) get, for example, every other weekend, a day in the week, half of holidays etc and what he does while his child is with him is up to him so you can develop and maintain your relationship with your grandchild that way.

If she is serious about blocking it then it will be difficult and expensive but worth it.

She doesn’t need to put him on the birth certificate for him to have parental rights, he can go to court to have them established and to sort out visitation with the child when it is born.

You and he have no rights to be involved in her pregnancy, so just wait until the baby is born and file to have his parental rights established with the court.

You don’t have rights to a grandchild. The best you can hope for is for your son to build a good co-parenting relationship with her.

Your son will need to attend the birth registration appointment with her if he wants her to add him to the birth certificate. If he doesn’t go/she doesn’t tell him, he can then apply to the courts to be added. That gives him parental responsibility.

You should be aware, however, that even if your son wanted 50/50 custody (doesn’t sound likely), that would not be granted immediately as a baby needs consistency with a primary caregiver (the mother) to build attachments. Little and often is the recommended contact level for babies and toddlers.

Your best bet is to remember that she is the mother of your grandchild. You are more likely to see your grandchild if you are on good terms with its mother. Try to gently win her over with support but without being overbearing.

My advice would be to back off, let your son deal with it. Get his name on the birth certificate and then go down the formal contact route.

I think she's going to make it very difficult for him although he will see his child but on her terms, he wants us to be involved but he's worried by not dancing to her tune she'll deny him any environment.

Then he will need to go to court and get access that way.

Not environment! (Meant to say involvement)

It's parental responsibility. Not rights.

Your ds needs to make it clear that he wants to be on the birth certificate, his dc to have contact with him, & to pay his way in respect of maintenance.

This can go through the courts if his ex doesn't want to agree.

Then you can see your dgc when they're having contact time with their dad.

If your ds isn't willing to push for this, then there's not much you can do - it sounds quite likely that he's half-hearted about wanting involvement, & his ex is sensibly not planning to rely on him for anything.

If he wants involvement, he needs to step up as the child's father & get some proper advice.

Don't engage in any mudslinging or slagging her off behind her back.

Barring any abuse in the relationship/ addiction issues your son may have / any other significant reason why your son should not have access, there is no reason why a court would not grant access at an appropriate age.

For now though, this is none of your business. Leave her alone and let your son deal with the court process when the time comes.

There's nothing you can do. You don't have rights. He can try and fight for his.

The baby isn’t born yet so this is all a bit premature- things can change, like your son getting in better with the mother and contact arrangements being easier to sort out from there. if that doesn’t happen your son will have to establish he is definitely the father of this child and go to court to get contact that way. Also as soon as the baby is born, your son should start setting up a way to pay child support.

If what he is telling you is true, it definitely doesn't sound good. However, these are often the kinds of stories that men who don't want any responsibility for unplanned children tell. So tread carefully before demonising this woman.

If she does then he has to go to court. As many times as it takes.
Courts are starting to take parental alienation more seriously now.

He needs to pay child support from day 1 and fight to be involved.

Presumably your son can go to court to establish access, parental responsibility etc. And pay maintenance. As long as that’s all in place you will be able to see the baby during his time with his child. No point mud slinging in the direction of the child’s mother, or getting over involved right now. It’s down to your son to establish formal arrangements and then down to you to discuss visitation with your son. Stop slagging off the mum, you only really have one side of this story.

If I were you I'd take a deep breath and just slow down. The baby isn't even born yet.

It's very clear to me, a complete stranger, that you despise the woman. You call her "a girl" and use phrases like "dancing to her tune" and "jumping through hoops".

When you say she wants to "do this on her own" do you mean pregnancy and birth? Because that is completely reasonable on her part.

Your best move would be to be kind and helpful and build a good relationship. She owes you literally nothing - you are just the parents of the man who got her pregnant. You want something from her (a relationship with her child) so be nice. Ask how she's feeling, send her some pampering treats (being pregnant is very uncomfortable as I'm sure you remember) or some home made food for her freezer. Make her want to see you rather than feel obliged, because she isn't obliged.

Again, she owes you nothing

And try to like her!

I want to revisit your title - son’s ex not letting us see grandchild.

The grandchild hasn’t been born yet so there is nothing and no one to see yet.

Is she being unreasonable to cut us out of our only grandchild's life before they're even born

There is no life yet because the grandchild hasn’t been born so you are not actually being cut out of anything. What were you expecting - to be able to rub her belly throughout the pregnancy?

You are very much putting the cart before the horse here.

I think in this instance, you first need to support your son and how he manages obtaining contact with his child.

If he is sure that there isn't any actual concerns from his ex over him having a relationship with his child, then he either works with her to agree regular visits to build a relationship with his child, or he uses the legal route available.

He has no entitlement to be named on the BC, nor for the child to have his surname. He can again seek legal counsel to have his name added to the BC at a later date.

Visits for him should be short and frequent and in the care of the mother in those early months. He should be willing to accept this in order to build a relationship with his child.

Harsh as it sounds, you building a relationship with the child absoloutley has to take a back seat. The child is entitled to a relationship with both its parents, as long as there is no risk/harm likely. All other relationships outside of this are supplementary and, whilst lovely, are not something that is a "right" to any grandparent.

First tell your son that whether or not he is on the BC, whether or not he applies for parental recognition, whether or not you get to see your grandchild , he has a responsibility to pay maintenance for the child for the next 18 years, he needs to pay a decent amount and needs to make it clear to future partners that he will continue to pay fairly for his first child and not reduce the amount to pay for any future children. Because that is what separates the father from the deadbeat.

You might also want to have the overdue talk about condoms.

Honestly I think you need to start by dropping the antagonism towards this woman. She doesn't owe you anything. Support and encourage your son to have a constructive and amicable co-parenting relationship with her once the baby arrives, but be mindful of the fact that means no trying to snatch the baby away for "overnights" when it's tiny. All in good time.
For now, leave her alone.

Given the shortness of their relationship, he would be wise to obtain dna proof of parentage.

Your son needs to go to court once the baby is born.

You have no rights as grandparents.

Good luck