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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons ex not letting us see grandchild

130 replies

zilli · 27/04/2022 14:16

Our son met a girl a few months ago and had an on/off relationship which didn't work out and now she's pregnant.
She has said she only wants her family involved, as she wants to do this on her own, it's her baby and she doesn't need anyone else and although our son is saying this isn't right, he's afraid to rock the boat as she's already got him jumping through hoops saying if she doesn't put him on the birth certificate he won't have parental rights and she'll hold all the cards.
Is she being unreasonable to cut us out of our only grandchild's life before they're even born or is this her prerogative and we just suck it up.

OP posts:
Testina · 27/04/2022 14:45

Start by being honest with yourself about how much your son wants to be involved.

Original poster
zilli · 27/04/2022 14:45

He's not half hearted at all, he's scared of her kicking and punching him all the time, smashing his car and his TV when she loses her cool and still he's trying to get along with her for the baby but that just means tip toeing on egg shells trying to keep her sweet.
I think he will have access if he plays ball but she doesn't want anyone else involved and if he doesn't comply then she'll make his access very difficult until he does.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 27/04/2022 14:46

There is no child to see.

You have no rights to see into her womb or to be involved with her pregnancy

When child is born

The dad can establish his responsibility
And in future hopefully can introduce the baby to you at the right time

cestlavielife · 27/04/2022 14:47

He needs to stay well clear
Until baby is born
If there are safeguarding issues for baby
He can speak to ss

cestlavielife · 27/04/2022 14:48

If she smashed his car report criminal damage to police

springtimeishereagain · 27/04/2022 14:51

zilli · 27/04/2022 14:45

He's not half hearted at all, he's scared of her kicking and punching him all the time, smashing his car and his TV when she loses her cool and still he's trying to get along with her for the baby but that just means tip toeing on egg shells trying to keep her sweet.
I think he will have access if he plays ball but she doesn't want anyone else involved and if he doesn't comply then she'll make his access very difficult until he does.

That's some drip feed! If they're no longer together, why is he seeing her or spending time with her? Why is she anywhere hear his TV or car? If she's abusive, why is he spending time with her?

He needs to get legal advice. If she's abusive, he needs to report her to the polcie.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2022 14:51

How old are your son and the woman? Because 'girl' and your over-involvement imply they are very young.

If she is abusive (and you've written that part very oddly so it's difficult to tell) he should handle this very differently to if she's not (or if both of them are).

LaurieFairyCake · 27/04/2022 14:55

You're not listening at all OP

He can stop seeing her (it sounds like a horrible relationship) and establish his responsibilities legally once the baby has been born

There is no need for him to talk to her right now AT ALL

Original poster
zilli · 27/04/2022 14:57

It's just been on/off he's moved back home so many times and it's when he comes home she won't let him get his things she smashes it up to punish him.
I think this is why she doesn't want his family involved because she resents him having any support network. None of his friends have seen him in months.

OP posts:
Testina · 27/04/2022 14:59

He was living with her?

RedWingBoots · 27/04/2022 15:00

LaurieFairyCake · 27/04/2022 14:55

You're not listening at all OP

He can stop seeing her (it sounds like a horrible relationship) and establish his responsibilities legally once the baby has been born

There is no need for him to talk to her right now AT ALL

This.

If she is causing problems now then he needs to stay away from her before she accuses him of something.

For example if she damages an item he owns and they get into an argument it will be him who will be arrested if the police are called.

Only once the baby is born should he try to talk to her and attempt to sort out their parenting relationship without going to Court.

purpleboy · 27/04/2022 15:02

Sounds really toxic op, has he reported these incidents to the police?

I understand as a parent why you don't like her if this is how she has treated your son, but are you willing to try and put that aside so you can build a relationship with her and then eventually your grandchild?
If she is as bad as you say, you are all going to have a very long and hard 18 years ahead of you. Will the baby be safe with her?

Original poster
zilli · 27/04/2022 15:02

He's been living in her flat on and off but he comes home to us every time she attacks him. He wants to be with her and make it work but she's unpredictable.
She's 18 he's 20

OP posts:
squiller · 27/04/2022 15:02

It isn’t your fight, it’s your son’s and he will have to fight if he wants to see his child by the sound of things. If he goes to court and proves paternity they will put him on the birth certificate and he will have access too.

MimosaFields · 27/04/2022 15:02

your son doesn't need to have a relationship of any kind with this woman in order to have a relationship with his child. If your son is serious about his parental responsibility, he will take this to court and ensure some contact is awarded. Yes, at first it might be in her house, as the baby will be very small, but eventually, if your son keeps on going, he will be allowed time on his own with his child. This situation is not ideal, but your son should have thought about it before having a child with someone who he doesn't know so well

Triffid1 · 27/04/2022 15:02

OP, I am sure you mean well, but right now you are slipping into this assumption that she is 100% responsible for the problems in their relationship. At the end of the day, no relationship is sustainable if one person keeps running home to mummy whenever there's a problem. And if she is as bad as you say she is, then your DS should be formally (and genuinely) ending the relationship.

Suggest that he begin the process of figuring out what he can and should do to support his child - eg perhaps providing funds to buy baby essentials ahead of its birth (crib, clothes, nappies, blankets etc). Also working out now what he would need to pay in maintenance and formally putting that in place to ensure that from the moment the baby is born he's paying his bit.

If he does all this, no court is going to refuse him access.

However, if the two of them are violent towards each other and there's a lot of drama etc, it is going to get more complicated.

PerfectPenquins · 27/04/2022 15:03

If she is attacking him then he really needs to report it to the police. He needs to leave/move out. This is not healthy and now a child is on the way.

MsMarch · 27/04/2022 15:05

zilli · 27/04/2022 15:02

He's been living in her flat on and off but he comes home to us every time she attacks him. He wants to be with her and make it work but she's unpredictable.
She's 18 he's 20

Oh come on OP. You can't really be this naive? Your 20 year old son is 100% innocent and this 18 year old girl is an abusive, manipulative shrew?

They are both young. They are probably both behaving appallingly, not least because of the shock of an unexpected pregnancy at this age.

This is time for you to have some tough conversations with your DS. He needs to grow up. If the relationship is toxic, he needs to extract himself in order to try to do the best that he can for his child, including taking financial and emotional responsibility.

I have no idea what this girl is going through but for an 18 year old girl to be living in a flat alone, pregnant.... well, one assumes her life isn't exactly a bed of roses.

Carrotmum · 27/04/2022 15:05

So your son chose to get involved with a mad aggressive woman who’s controlling and vindictive they split up quickly but not before she got pregnant (has he heard of contraception) she’s pregnant but you’re demanding access to the baby. I think you need to calm down a bit tbh. Calling your grand child’s mum all the names under the sun is not going to help your cause. I’ve been in a very similar situation my son’s girlfriend got pregnant in less than ideal circumstances, they tried to make it work ( we helped) but they split up my son sees his child EOW and extra when he can. I consider my grandchild’s mum to still be a part of our family and we have a polite if not close relationship, sometimes she’ll ask us to babysit for her ( she has her own parents as well) but mostly we see our grandchild during their contact time with my son. We are a few years down the line and yes there have been a few bumps in the road but it has worked remarkably well.

Blanketpolicy · 27/04/2022 15:07

He has two issues going on here. The first one he needs to deal with is getting out of an abusive (bearing in mind you only hear his side of the story) relationship.

For access to his child there is legal routes to do this.

Blanketpolicy · 27/04/2022 15:08

For his access to his child

mum61 · 27/04/2022 15:10

@zilli
Your son had a casual brief relationship with a woman who is now pregnant.
Your son needs to establish he is in fact the father and offer support to the woman and his child (if indeed he is the father)
If the woman doesn't then allow your son involvement in the Childs life ,he needs to involve the courts to make sure that happens.

Mariposista · 27/04/2022 15:10

Ugghhh she sounds vile. Not a 'woman' at all, she's a petulant little girl. I bet she won't be so against taking his money, yet insisting on calling all the shots. Keep a log of all the abuse/tantrummy behaviour over damage to his possessions and throw the book at her with lawyers when the child is born if necessary.

MrsMoastyToasty · 27/04/2022 15:11

She sounds chaotic. Before offering maintenance or applying for access I would suggest to him that he gets a DNA test for the child.
(Similar thing happened to my nephew. On/off girlfriend said she was expecting his baby. He asked for a DNA test. Never heard from her again. )

Mosaic123 · 27/04/2022 15:15

Ask, via your son, if you can buy an item for the baby, for example a cot. She may be more keen to let you see the baby when the time comes.
You could say if she sends you a link to what she would like (suggest John Lewis) you will order it and have it sent to her flat.

Play nice and maybe you will get to see the baby.

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