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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons ex not letting us see grandchild

130 replies

zilli · 27/04/2022 14:16

Our son met a girl a few months ago and had an on/off relationship which didn't work out and now she's pregnant.
She has said she only wants her family involved, as she wants to do this on her own, it's her baby and she doesn't need anyone else and although our son is saying this isn't right, he's afraid to rock the boat as she's already got him jumping through hoops saying if she doesn't put him on the birth certificate he won't have parental rights and she'll hold all the cards.
Is she being unreasonable to cut us out of our only grandchild's life before they're even born or is this her prerogative and we just suck it up.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 27/04/2022 15:16

I can't believe all the people who are just taking all of this at face value and the complete lack of empathy for an 18 year old. I'm more than willing to believe that she is unstable and aggressive, but I very much doubt it comes out of nowhere. And your son can't just move in and out of her flat whenever he feels like it. If she's that aggressive, he should call the police. He definitely should end the relationship.

You're so focused on YOUR access to your not-even-born-yet grandchild, I haven't heard any concern for the mother of that child or, for that matter, for the child itself. You want access... if you really think this woman is so crazy, why aren't you worrying about whether the child is safe with her?

UnsuitableHat · 27/04/2022 15:17

Sympathies OP - this happened to one of my friends and was a really difficult situation, although courts weren't involved and friend, who had to be quite pushy at one point, does now see a lot of her grandchild. Perhaps (hopefully) your son's ex will begin to think differently when the baby is born. He'll have to be quite proactive and level-headed though, I think.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/04/2022 15:19

He needs to report her acts of violence against him and his possessions

BlimBosh · 27/04/2022 15:22

If she is violent towards him, he should call the police. This will trigger Social services involved (sounds like its needed if we are to believe you).

When baby is born your son goes to court to gain PR and contact arrangement.

Freehugs · 27/04/2022 15:23

Sounds toxic.

I think the best thing you can do is to support your son in realising that he has a right to be involved in his child life without having to appease his ex.

I know it’s extremely difficult during the first few months of a child’s life not being able to be involved. Court route is exhausting and expensive. But 100% worth it in the end.

Friend went through similar, got legal advice before baby was born and was ready to have the ball rolling. Beginning he was granted just a couple of hours a few times a week. He then went back to court and was given over nights from 6 months. Took back to court before age 2 and got 50/50.

Toottooot · 27/04/2022 15:29

Is she definitely pregnant? Wouldn’t be the first story I’ve heard of someone that age making it up.

tootiredtoocare · 27/04/2022 15:29

Hate women who use their children as weapons. Why can't they see all the lovely things they're denying their child? Sounds like he needs a family law specialist, to at least mediate initially.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2022 15:31

Not a 'woman' at all, she's a petulant little girl.

He's two years older so maybe he should have made better choices.

However, what's done is done. They both need to grow up fast. And that means stop focusing on the 'relationship' and start focusing on their mutual child's needs.

NextIdiotPlease · 27/04/2022 15:32

zilli · 27/04/2022 15:02

He's been living in her flat on and off but he comes home to us every time she attacks him. He wants to be with her and make it work but she's unpredictable.
She's 18 he's 20

So she is violent, damages his belongings and is being difficult about him seeing his child in the future, yet he wants to be with her. Their child would therefore be brought up in an environment with violence and manipulation, with parents who have a toxic relationship. Why would he want that? What is your sons part in this?

If he’s the innocent party in this, or even if he has played his part up until now, if he wants to be a responsible father, the relationship needs to end. He needs to go through the proper processes to establish access when the child is born.

In future he needs be a lot more careful about contraception, presuming the child was not planned in this utter shit show. It sounds like this child is going to have a tough life. Your son must do everything possible to create a stable home for his child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2022 15:32

tootiredtoocare · 27/04/2022 15:29

Hate women who use their children as weapons. Why can't they see all the lovely things they're denying their child? Sounds like he needs a family law specialist, to at least mediate initially.

There currently isn't a child. There is a very young pregnant woman.

JoeGoldberg · 27/04/2022 15:33

If she doesn't put him on the birth certificate he'd first need to get her to agree to a dna test before any court will put him on the birth certificate and give him PR.

But all that is WAY off in the future. For now he needs to make a decision and stick to it - together, or apart. This backwards and forwards rubbish is no good to anyone. The whole thing sounds toxic. And no, you don't have any rights to see the unborn baby, and if you son doesn't obtain a dna he won't have any parental responsibility either.

NextIdiotPlease · 27/04/2022 15:37

MrsMoastyToasty · 27/04/2022 15:11

She sounds chaotic. Before offering maintenance or applying for access I would suggest to him that he gets a DNA test for the child.
(Similar thing happened to my nephew. On/off girlfriend said she was expecting his baby. He asked for a DNA test. Never heard from her again. )

Did he not follow up? Maybe she wasn’t pregnant, maybe the child wasn’t his, maybe the child could have been his but she wasn’t sure. He could have a child that he isn’t paying for or involved with.

SeasonFinale · 27/04/2022 15:39

Is there anyway you could actually approach direct (letter?) explaining that whilst you realise that her and your son may not be together you would like to be able to help HER and the baby. Keep emphasising HER and don't even mention your son and she may look on you to help and see you as something/someone separate to him and let you be involved.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 27/04/2022 15:40

OP, I'm going to ignore the disdainful way you talk about this young woman. We only have your side, which is your son is a sweet innocent angel, and she is the devil incarnate.

What bit of 'your son needs to go down the legal channel, once the baby is born', do you not understand?

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 27/04/2022 15:40

Your son met her a few months ago and he has been living with her, getting kicked out, she smashes his stuff and attacks him, he moves out, then back in again and it all starts again.

In top of all this he wasn't using protection (no doubt you'll say she said she was taking the pill).

Now you think your ds is innocent and the injured party here and she is some awful violent person.

Your ONLY concern in this is if you see the baby.

Quite frankly your ds, if he is telling the truth, needs to make sure that he reports her violent outbursts, and that it is taken to court very quickly when she has the child. No parent in their right mind would leave a tiny baby with a temperamental violent person.

However I've seen this situation a million times, he won't bother, and he will blame her entirely and you will all discuss what a bitch she is while doing absolutely nothing about the situation.

RiverRats · 27/04/2022 15:45

Your DS needs to report these incidents

FrankLeeSpeaking · 27/04/2022 15:46

Well, your son can either "not rock the boat" and miss out on his own son/daughters life, or he can get a solicitor and get legal access put in place. Up to him.
If he gets access, you can see the child. If he doesn't bother, nothing you can do as grandparents.
(as an aside, is your son and this woman quite young?)

FrankLeeSpeaking · 27/04/2022 15:48

zilli · 27/04/2022 15:02

He's been living in her flat on and off but he comes home to us every time she attacks him. He wants to be with her and make it work but she's unpredictable.
She's 18 he's 20

Reverse the sexes. If this was your daughter being attacked, what would you want her to do? It's an abusive situation, and your son deserves better.

user1471504747 · 27/04/2022 15:48

OP I think contact with the child is a long term issue and there’s more pressing issues now.

Priority needs to be son leaving the relationship, making a record and report to the police of all abusive incidents, and setting up boundaries. Something I’ve seen advised on here for example is setting up an email account used solely for contact with an ex now coparent. The only contact needs to be about their child, and as the child currently doesn’t exist there should be very little contact.

Next, when baby is born, son needs to start court action to get a paternity test, parental responsibility, and access. He should put money aside for maintenance and once he has paternity confirmed give the back pay and make regular payments.

Contact will likely be just him at first with mom around too, but he can FaceTime you while with baby. Once baby is older and can leave mom DS can bring him to you to visit.

I would also start considering the possibility that mom is not fit to parent and will have SS intervention, in which case would DS and baby be able to live with you? Obviously this is an extreme scenario but she does sound very troubled

user1471504747 · 27/04/2022 15:49

Also make sure DS keeps all contact with her in writing.

When baby is born contact will possibly be in a contact centre due to problems with mom

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2022 15:51

Reverse the sexes. If this was your daughter being attacked, what would you want her to do? It's an abusive situation, and your son deserves better.

You can't reverse the sexes. There is no equivalent.

I agree he needs to exit the situation though.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/04/2022 15:54

He's scared of her kicking and punching him all the time, smashing his car and his TV when she loses her cool

If she's that bad, why didn't he wear a condom in the first place?

Whatever00 · 27/04/2022 15:58

I would just take a step back for now. The baby isn't born yet. She doesn't know the reality of having a child. In the meantime support your son to get his rights and custody once the child is born.

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2022 15:59

zilli · 27/04/2022 14:45

He's not half hearted at all, he's scared of her kicking and punching him all the time, smashing his car and his TV when she loses her cool and still he's trying to get along with her for the baby but that just means tip toeing on egg shells trying to keep her sweet.
I think he will have access if he plays ball but she doesn't want anyone else involved and if he doesn't comply then she'll make his access very difficult until he does.

Then he goes to court.

She'll be in trouble if she ignores them

But he better start saving now (and being a lot more careful over unprotected sex)

wh00pi · 27/04/2022 15:59

I'm not convinced this is the full story. Yes, men can be abused. But obviously you're not going to confess your wrongs to your parents who are you as a little angel.

She is the vulnerable one in this situation, she's younger, pregnant, female, potentially lacking in support from family. I think it's too easy to paint someone like this as bad and have everyone believe it. If I'm wrong, I apologise and I'll eat my words, but it's important not to jump to conclusions too.