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Original poster

Sons ex not letting us see grandchild

130 replies

zilli · 27/04/2022 14:16

Our son met a girl a few months ago and had an on/off relationship which didn't work out and now she's pregnant.
She has said she only wants her family involved, as she wants to do this on her own, it's her baby and she doesn't need anyone else and although our son is saying this isn't right, he's afraid to rock the boat as she's already got him jumping through hoops saying if she doesn't put him on the birth certificate he won't have parental rights and she'll hold all the cards.
Is she being unreasonable to cut us out of our only grandchild's life before they're even born or is this her prerogative and we just suck it up.

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 27/04/2022 16:03

It won't get better, I've been there with ds1, she just got more and more controlling and no amount of tiptoeing round her helped. a year after they split up she stopped contact altogether and he finally went to court .

It's been expensive and a long process with her making allegations against all of us. It was 16 months before he finally got to see them face to face, he'd managed to get face time calls for 3 months leading up to that.

I think she's always going to cause problems, she's a very unpleasant messed up individual and the children have suffered because of it, they miss their dad

Hospedia · 27/04/2022 16:09

For every person trashing her, I'd vet that if we were to hear both sides of the story it would be a very different picture.

OP, you need to step away. Do not go writing to her, contacting her and offering to buy cots, or whatever. Leave her alone. She is nothing to you and she would have a case for reporting harassment if you were to try oush your way in like this particularly as she has already made it clear she does not want any involvement from you.

If your son doesn’t want to be with her then your son needs to end the relationship and be firm about it. No back and forth, no engagement with any antics, and no trying to reconcile. Be clear with her that any attempts to harass or abuse him will be reported. If she smashes his stuff, report it to the police. If she tries to contact him to harass or verbally abuse him, report it to the police. If she approaches him in the street or turns up at his home, report it to the police.

Once the baby is born he needs to go down the legal route to get contact arrangements in place. He can ask the court to order a DNA test if she refuses and can apply for a declaration of parentage. He doesn't need a solicitor and can do it all himself, there are various organisations who can offer advice on the forms and the process.

There is a guide here on applying for parental responsibility, if he is on benefits or a low income he could get the fees waived

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/apply-for-parental-responsibility

Once he has this then he can apply for contact.

In the meantime he would need to pay maintenance even if he isn't seeing the child because its still his responsibility to financial support him or her regardless.

nannybeach · 27/04/2022 16:09

Unmarried fathers have no legal rights over baby. Unmarried mother cannot put father's name on register with out him being present

NewandNotImproved · 27/04/2022 16:12

OP has posted their ages.

OP did your son not report the attacks? Why was he not using condoms? Why was he having sex with such an ‘unstable/aggressive’ young woman? That’s unethical.
anyway, doesn’t seem like he’s bothered looking in to parenting his future kid, so that’s on him to sort, and arrange contact with you in his own time.

NewandNotImproved · 27/04/2022 16:14

Also, parents do not have rights the kid has rights.

Kennykenkencat · 27/04/2022 16:16

zilli · 27/04/2022 14:23

I think she's going to make it very difficult for him although he will see his child but on her terms, he wants us to be involved but he's worried by not dancing to her tune she'll deny him any environment.

I think the court will give the terms that visitation is granted.
It isn’t just what she wants. It is what is best for the baby.

KylieCharlene · 27/04/2022 16:17

Any relationship you have with the child will be facilitated by your DS therefore the most important thing you can do is support your DS and maintain a good relationship with him. It will be on 'his time' that you see his child.
The mother has the right to have absolutely nothing to do with you at all.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/04/2022 16:18

NewandNotImproved · 27/04/2022 16:12

OP has posted their ages.

OP did your son not report the attacks? Why was he not using condoms? Why was he having sex with such an ‘unstable/aggressive’ young woman? That’s unethical.
anyway, doesn’t seem like he’s bothered looking in to parenting his future kid, so that’s on him to sort, and arrange contact with you in his own time.

Some people literally hate men don't they?

Imagine asking a woman why she didn't report her violent husband, telling her she was unethical sleeping with him, asking why she didn't insist on condoms/take the pill.

MN would scream in chorus that this post would be victim blaming.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/04/2022 16:19

doesn’t seem like he’s bothered looking in to parenting his future kid

What has the OP said to make you think this?

user1471504747 · 27/04/2022 16:26

As a women who has been abused it’s very disappointing to see all the victim blaming.

I stayed with my abusive partner for years, married him, and had kids with him. God knows what some posters on this thread would have to say about that.

In regards to posters saying we only have one side of the story etc. You could say that about every single thread on MN. Maybe go onto one of the threads in relationships and leave a comment saying a woman’s account of abuse might not be true as her abusive husband would probably tell the story differently.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2022 16:31

Imagine asking a woman why she didn't report her violent husband, telling her she was unethical sleeping with him, asking why she didn't insist on condoms/take the pill.

It is not comparable. You can't just imagine the opposite situation because it doesn't exist. Until 2-3 men a week are killed by violent women and men can get pregnant, you can't compare the two.

That's not to say her violence isn't wrong, of course it is. But it's not comparable.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 27/04/2022 16:32

Imagine asking a woman why she didn't report her violent husband, telling her she was unethical sleeping with him, asking why she didn't insist on condoms/take the pill.

MN would scream in chorus that this post would be victim blaming.

Have you not seen any of the posts on here when women complain about the men they are pregnant to? Confused

Triffid1 · 27/04/2022 16:37

In regards to posters saying we only have one side of the story etc. You could say that about every single thread on MN. Maybe go onto one of the threads in relationships and leave a comment saying a woman’s account of abuse might not be true as her abusive husband would probably tell the story differently.

Except in most cases, the women on those threads are NOT accusing their partners of being abusive. They come on here convinced that they are in the wrong, or over sensitive, or over reacting. It's always kind of sad in how often it is the OP who is defending the abuser, and everyone else who is pointing out that the behaviour is NOT okay.

Krakenchorus · 27/04/2022 16:39

Assuming that OP's son is telling the whole truth about this situation (and I don't), he needs to follow all the very good advice on here already.

Stay away from her for now. End the relationship.

Offer financial assistance with the pregnancy if she requires it.

Once the baby is born, go to court to establish parental responsibility. Fight for age-appropriate access. Pay CM in full and on time.

He can be a parent to his child. You can have a relationship with the child through him. But it only happens if he takes responsibility for his child.

If he has no relationship with the child, that will be on him, not her.

And if the tales of aggression and violence are true, he needs to report that to the police each and every time. Build a picture. It will help him later.

1forward2back · 27/04/2022 16:40

Get legal advice - I’m sure you’ll be entitled to contact, or at least updates.

Runkle · 27/04/2022 16:41

If they were on/off he needs to be checking the paternity of the child...

wh00pi · 27/04/2022 16:43

user1471504747 · 27/04/2022 16:26

As a women who has been abused it’s very disappointing to see all the victim blaming.

I stayed with my abusive partner for years, married him, and had kids with him. God knows what some posters on this thread would have to say about that.

In regards to posters saying we only have one side of the story etc. You could say that about every single thread on MN. Maybe go onto one of the threads in relationships and leave a comment saying a woman’s account of abuse might not be true as her abusive husband would probably tell the story differently.

I was in an abusive relationship as a teenager and was smeared as the victim, including by adults. It's reasonable to be sceptical given we're hearing this not just secondhand, but third-hand at this point. Ultimately, the truth will come out whether through police or the courts, that's what matters.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2022 16:43

Your son needs to grow up, and quickly. He will need to take her to court and get social services involved if necessary. If she is an unfit parent he will need to go after full custody of his child.

MajorCarolDanvers · 27/04/2022 16:49

Your son needs to wait until baby arrives.

Ideally they will work out a co-parenting agreement. If they can't reach agreement or she won't put him on the birth certificate he will need to go to court. He should seek legal advice if that happens and here is some more info
Advice on looking after children when you separate

The best thing you can do just now is stay out of it.

beachcitygirl · 27/04/2022 16:49

Moomeh · 27/04/2022 14:34

If I were you I'd take a deep breath and just slow down. The baby isn't even born yet.

It's very clear to me, a complete stranger, that you despise the woman. You call her "a girl" and use phrases like "dancing to her tune" and "jumping through hoops".

When you say she wants to "do this on her own" do you mean pregnancy and birth? Because that is completely reasonable on her part.

Your best move would be to be kind and helpful and build a good relationship. She owes you literally nothing - you are just the parents of the man who got her pregnant. You want something from her (a relationship with her child) so be nice. Ask how she's feeling, send her some pampering treats (being pregnant is very uncomfortable as I'm sure you remember) or some home made food for her freezer. Make her want to see you rather than feel obliged, because she isn't obliged.

Again, she owes you nothing

Absolutely this.

She owes you nothing. Stop the detrimental chat. Stop believing every word that comes out of your sons mouth as the gospel.

Build a relationship with her.
Prove you will be good & committed grandparents & a support to her &'the baby.

Prove you will be consistently in the child's life - (and this is the big one) iRRESPECTIVE of your son and her & how they get on or don't.

Prove you're not the type to criticise, condemn, bad mouth, infantilise or bitch about her to her children, neighbours, friends, wider community.

I have to say you're off to a bad start here as you're already doing the above on an online forum.

Prove yourself to be decent people & make a relationship with her & baba to be & take it from
There.

Don't do "demands" it won't work
Don't do "rights". You don't gave any
Don't do "sides" no one but the ex couple know the truth.

I really hope it works for you x

00100001 · 27/04/2022 16:54

My money's on him treading in egg shells and eventually dropping out, and never going to court and insisting on access.

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/04/2022 16:55

1forward2back · 27/04/2022 16:40

Get legal advice - I’m sure you’ll be entitled to contact, or at least updates.

If you meanas a grandparent - no, they have no entitlement to contact at all.

BlueOverYellow · 27/04/2022 16:59

She's violent and abusive. He needs to start recording it, keeping a record, etc and log it with the police if she ever assaults him.

Kennykenkencat · 27/04/2022 17:04

BlueOverYellow · 27/04/2022 16:59

She's violent and abusive. He needs to start recording it, keeping a record, etc and log it with the police if she ever assaults him.

Imagine what she could do to a baby who winds her up by crying in the night.

NewandNotImproved · 27/04/2022 17:10

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/04/2022 16:19

doesn’t seem like he’s bothered looking in to parenting his future kid

What has the OP said to make you think this?

The fact that OP is asking on his behalf? Meaning that the man hasn’t bothered to even find out basics? Why do you need that pointed out to you?

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