To ask you what stops you from living how you want to?

[billes]

Im mid thirties, no real career, no financial success, i am not living the life i so badly long for.

Which made me curious....

A) What is it you want for your life that you don't have?
B) What do you think the reason is?

I'm talking realistic dream life, nothing unattainable.

Confidence, anxiety, fear, risk aversion, people pleasing, commitment issues

Me. It's me that gets in the way. Procrastination I guess, a bit of uncertainty, dabbling in many things rather than focusing on and being brilliant at one thing, taking on too much and then not being able to give things the attention they deserve, delicate balancing act of work, DD, activities, voluntary thing, social, etc. The main thing that comes out of this that I'm unhappy about though is that I'm overweight. I think I can't keep all of those bits of my life on the move at all times and also have time and I suppose mental energy for my own health. And yes, I suppose this is just an excuse. See, it's me.

Small children. I want to be respected in a career that I enjoy, but I've given up work because our childcare arrangements fell through. Can't afford nursery full time for 2 children if I'm working but we're also very strapped for cash living off one salary. I'm hoping things will improve next summer once my youngest turns 3 and she can qualify for the 30 hours funding - I miss my job, miss having money, and having a purpose in my life other than children!

I'm also hoping I'll have more TIME once they are older. There's not a lot of fun in my life at the moment because I have so little time to myself and that gets swallowed up by chores.

Money, and lack of spoons.

Chronic health condition that causes relentless pain and fatigue.
Do everything you can in your life, no matter how small or big, while you can.

the last 20 years have been a drag. I’m 43 now so at least I only have only another 20 to go. I know it’ll be a slog to the end but this is just how it is. It’s too late for me to do anything about it, but I’d never wish how I exist or feel upon my worst enemy.

@NaiceHamAndHugs what will happen to you at 63? Why will that be the end? And 43 leaves is enough time to make significant changes - even if that's leaving your marriage, trying a different career option, getting counselling to address the long-term impact of childhood bullying etc.

Disability.

You have to play the hand you have been dealt. This is easier to say in my fifties than when I was early thirties.

Having DC with additional needs. Having said that - they don't hold me back. The institutional ableism in the system that suppresses them holds us back as a family. If the system wasn't so fucked and we could access adequate support for them both then it would be fine.

I adore my DC, I hate that having them has turned me into somebody who is in permanent fight or flight mode, and generally doesn't really have the flight choice, because I can't just not fight for my children.

OP never came back....

This thread resonated with me, I'm late 30's and definitely not where I imagined I would be at this age. The reasons are a mix of personality, bad choices and circumstance I suppose.

I'm not particularly ambitious, and quite introverted so never really excelled at work. I always avoided promotion or more responsibility. I have never had a job I loved, I just see it as a way to pay the bills. My hobbies are quite solitary, I love reading, music, history documentaries, baking, going for walks or cycling in nature with my friends. Haha, I sound like an old lady, maybe I am at heart.

I spent my 20's travelling and having a blast in short term jobs, then got my degree which I enjoyed but didn't want to work in that area (Psychology), so went back to office jobs without much prospects. I have tried many different jobs over the years and found I never really clicked with any of them. Maybe at this stage I don't have the confidence or the energy to retrain again.

My dream life would be to have a little cottage of my own, grow some veggies, keep some animals, spend my days pottering in the garden, reading, cooking, maybe doing some artistic things. Basically retirement, which in reality is about 30 years away . I tend to live in my own head a lot, and really want to be left alone most of the time.

A few years ago I was living in another city, in a well paid job which I hated, in a relationship that wasn't really going anywhere. I had a nice apartment and could afford nice clothes and to go out a lot but I wasn't happy. The relationship ended and I moved back to my home city, which has a housing crisis. I ended up moving back in with my elderly parents around Covid time, to help my mother care for my father who has dementia. I'm still here 2 years later.
It means that I'm working part time in a low paid job, with no real prospects. I like that I'm getting to spend time with my dad while he still vaguely knows who I am. And I know it won't be like this forever, things change. But it's still depressing when I think about what other people my age have achieved. But I'm not them I suppose, and I only have myself to blame.

I don't want children so that doesn't bother me, but would love to have my own place (would never get a mortgage on my salary and can't afford to rent my own place in this area), and would like to meet someone (but even though I'm fairly confident in my looks, I feel that I don't have much to offer a relationship right now so don't put myself out there).

There are good things in my life - my health, a few great friends that I really value, good relationship with parents, so I have much to be grateful for. But in terms of the box ticking - house, career, husband, children - I have very much failed.

I suppose nobody has it perfect. I have friends who have all that from the outside, but are struggling with a big mortgage etc. Maybe we never really have it all figured out.

It sounds harsh, but having kids. I love them very much, but will be living the carefree life of my dreams when they leave home.

Health definitely. I’m in pain a lot of the time and it really impacts on both getting things done and my leisure time. I spend too many evenings drinking wine in front of the TV because the pain is too much to do anything else, and alcohol helps to numb it. Trying to tackle that but it’s hard. I’ve seen the GP more than once but keep getting fobbed off.

Never meeting the right person. I’m ok with being single to a degree. Better that than a bad relationship (which I have had). But god it’s hard having to do everything alone all the time. No one to lean on emotionally, struggling on one wage. Which leads onto the next point.

Finances. I am luckier than a lot of people right now, which I acknowledge and am grateful for. But ideally I’d like to give up work entirely (see point about being in pain above!) but I can’t afford to. I did at least manage to go part time but it makes things tight.

I'm very fortunate generally, but I could wish for a bit more money to get the house fixed up, ready for my old age, and a builder who would turn up and do the work! The roof needs attention, some of the doors and windows need to be replaced and the sheds are leaking.
I would also like to have better health to be able to gad about a bit more. Things like realising that I will never make it to the top of Glastonbury Tor again, and turning down festivals because I don't have the energy any more.

I know this is minuscule, compared to others' situations.

It took me four decades and a lot of life experience to live the life I want to.

What stopped me? No direction.

I am now living the life I want to because I've been very fortunate to find myself in this situation and am looking forward to the rest of my life greatly.

Find out what you want, and then implement it.

I think much of the problem is we often don't know what we want.

A) What is it you want for your life that you don't have?
B) What do you think the reason is?

A) Get the money without having to work.
B) That's the reality of Western Capitalism.

Not having to work would give me the gift of time. My health would be better as I would have time to walk/cycle to places and spend time on looking after the house and garden. As I used to observe in the past, I had to work away all week to get the cash to pay the mortgage on a house I hardly saw.

Now at least I can WFH but still selling most of my time to an employer.

At the moment, the responsibility of having teenagers and to my DM puts curbs on my freedom to do exactly what I want, when I want, as well as the responsibility of work and financial considerations. But I also really enjoy being a mum, and being close to my mum and my job and would not be without any of these elements. I'd rather have these people and work in my life than be alone with a ton of money and absolute freedom.

More day to day contact with friends. Doesn't happen because I don't live near them. More social contact - trying but feel utterly worn down by caregiving responsibilities.

It's taken a long time, but I think I'm roughly living the life I want to live. A big thing for me was letting go of what society said I had to have/do and deciding for myself what was important.

I have stopped trying to justify to myself the little "pointless" things that bring me joy. I like doing pretty basic things like baking, gardening and doing jigsaws. Sometimes I feel a bit old before my time, but I wasn't happy trying to fit in with everyone else going out constantly and partying.

I would like to travel more but my kids are young, maybe one day.

I appreciate that I have a lot

I want to reach my full potential but im lacking Confidence and assertiveness - I have moments where I when them but I'm plagued by self doubt. I was raised in a home where my voice and feelings were constantly invalidated. I was expected to be perfect and even then that wasn't good enough. Made to feel there was something wrong with me. Despite outperform my colleagues in a consistent basis and being recognised as such I still struggle to assert myself or question the status quo. Doesn't help that I'm black which adds another layer both from the conditioning of my parents and the reactions in the outside world.

Infertility - I fucking want a child and getting the chance to have that has ravaged my
Mental health, my confidence, my bank balance and all the plans we were on track with savings, moving house. Things have felt like I've been on pause for a long time. But just got a new job offer in a new field and I'm excited!

I'm 48 and have accepted I'll never have the life I want. I'm not dreaming of anything fancy - but a job, a car, a holiday now and then, friends and good health would all be lovely. But completely unattainable.

My father was abusive and violent and my mother finally left him when I was 17. I was about to do my A levels but we moved to a new city two months before. She didn't put me or my siblings (who were then aged 13 and 8) in new schools and we all lost our way. I was an alcoholic by the time I was 19 and married someone I didn't love just to get away from home. Divorced by 22.

I did have a decent job for a while after that but then I met someone and fell pg and became a SAHM. My partner was violent and I ended up in a refuge when DS was 3.

I remarried almost 20 years ago and DH is wonderful. Our marriage is, apart from DS, the only good thing in my life. But I've suffered depression all my life and was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis twelve years ago, which causes severe mobility issues. I also have a separate chronic severe pain condition.

Money is incredibly tight. I've never in my life been on holiday and would love to, it's my dream. We can't afford a car - being able to drive would make life so much easier for me. I can't get a job - I hadn't worked for 20 years when I started looking and I have no references and no recent experience, plus my disabilities mean I'm limited in what I can do. Nobody is interested.

The worst thing of all though is my loneliness. Neither me nor DH have any friends. My parents are dead and we're both estranged from remaining family. I haven't had a conversation with anyone other than DH or DS for years, other than people in shops/HCPs etc.

I wish so much I could go out for a drink with friends or book a holiday or drive to the supermarket or get up in the morning and go to work, and feel no pain for a whole day. That's the life I dream of but it's not the life I'll ever have.

Things I long for - financial security, some disposable income, a pension, a dog, and to live in Cornwall.

I work (long hours often) as an Illustrator but earn peanuts - hence the lack of financial security and disposable income, which also means we cannot afford a dog (which we desperately want, especially for my DD who is an only child and lonely). After bills and basics there is nothing left, I can't afford to replace old clothes which have holes in them.

I really love my job and I work hard, but despise myself for getting into a situation where I am such a low earner - I did really well at school and got mostly As at GCSE and beyond, but I earn less than minimum wage when you do the maths between the fees that publishers are prepared to pay and the hours I actually put in. I am working on a side hustle but have no idea if it will work or not until it's ready to put 'out there' in the world - I hope so. The reason I haven't found a different job is that I lack confidence and feel my skills are not transferrable so I can't think of anything else I'm qualified to do, I have literally painted myself into a corner. I am also quite introverted and socially anxious which doesn't help. I would love to live without the shame I carry around because of this.

And the reason the dream to live in Cornwall hasn't happened - all family live in the South East, parents are getting older, I feel to move away would be to abandon them as they approach the age they might need me more. So I stay put and the dream never becomes a reality.

Oh gosh @mowly77 your post stopped me in my tracks and made me put perspective in my life.
I thank you for that and wish for you the very very best.

For us, things like pensions and owning a home are as unlikely to happen as flying to the moon! As is saving.

I would love to have another baby but we don't have the space. We could afford to buy and move but we're struggling to sell our house and I have a feeling we'll end up staying where we are with no baby. ☹️ I don't really ask for much but I have absolutely loved being a mum to my little DC and I would be so happy if I could do it again. DH isn't keen either but has said that if we managed to move to a bigger place we could do it, so it is mostly down to the house.

If that doesn't happen I would love to move to my home country and live in a cottage by a lake, but I have DH and DC here, and even though DH would love to move there it would be difficult for DC (and also finding new employment would be challenging).

I feel like I am a bit stuck at the moment, but luckily otherwise life is pretty good because there's a lot of love in our little family and we have a laugh, and DC is happy so can't complain really.

Arthritis and money (it’s hard to work sometimes when I’m in pain).

It won’t fucking beat me though.

Lots of love @mowly77 💐

My problem is a lack of money. I'm not starving, I have a house, family, job. But I want to more and more... I came to the conslusion that I can't value what I already have. I don't need expensive clothes, jewelry and other things. Just need to live at the moment.

But sometimes I think what would I do if I had more money...