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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you what stops you from living how you want to?

148 replies

billes · 26/04/2022 22:52

Im mid thirties, no real career, no financial success, i am not living the life i so badly long for.

Which made me curious....

A) What is it you want for your life that you don't have?
B) What do you think the reason is?

I'm talking realistic dream life, nothing unattainable.

OP posts:
Aozora13 · 27/04/2022 07:51

Caught in a stupid bleak house-style legal wrangle with my dickhead BIL so stuck in crappy housing that’s too small until it’s resolved and health still borked from long Covid (since March 2020) but we do have a nice life really so mustn’t grumble (too much!)

maddening · 27/04/2022 07:54

Dream life is my own art studio, lots of arts and crafts, but prefer stability so work in finance, however my job is interesting and I enjoy it, and am progressing well, i have the stability I want so I am living one of the lives I want imo

Bumpsadaisie · 27/04/2022 08:01

I would like to be fit and toned and to go about the world feeling like a fit person with a healthy body.

What stops me is that I have a parallel self sabotaging thing going on. At the moment I would go for a run or not eat the icecream, I forget about the person who wants to be fit and toned and I just am the person who really really wants the icecream and who really really wants to do internet instead of running.

MissWired · 27/04/2022 08:07

Autism/ADHD.

LadyCatStark · 27/04/2022 08:11

Entirely money: debt, taxes, the cost of living crisis, working more and more hours for not much more money as it’s all eaten up by the above.

CornishGem1975 · 27/04/2022 08:12

Money.

thevampirelestat · 27/04/2022 08:12

Abusive marriage ran my confidence and mental health into the ground, a year and a half later in still trying to pick myself up. It also ruined my finances, complicated my housing situation and badly affected my physical health. I've got caught in some negative coping methods (spending, over eating, avoidance) that I know I need to break but can't face up to yet. I suppose the lack of confidence and fear of further hurt is what's keeping me trapped now.

What I want for my life... To own a little house in a village or small town, close to nature so I can step out my door and go for long walks with the dog, a job that I find some satisfaction from but doesn't take over my life, time and energy to do my hobbies and take car of myself better, a little garden. Friends and a partner, maybe one day, it's hard to think about that yet.

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/04/2022 08:16

Will read the thread later but

We will never own a house

In the past it wasn’t important and now we can’t afford it despite both having good careers.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 27/04/2022 08:17

@mowly77 I'm so sorry to read your news.

Getting diagnosed with cancer just over 2 years ago really made me reevaluate some things in my life. Luckily it was "only" stage 2 and the chemo and radio seems to have sorted it.

At the moment money is the reason I can't live exactly the life I want to. But I live a very happy life. I'd just like to work less to have more time and energy to do the things I want in an ideal world.

Cloud16 · 27/04/2022 08:19

That I want to have a baby young.

I have endo and the DR says that it will likely cause fertility issues because of where it is. We've taken that into consideration and bought the family home young (very privileged to be able to do that), we've both gone for high stress promotions to have good income to set us up well for a baby in the next year or so, we moved near my family for support etc.

But its hanging over me that if I can't get pregnant, then I'm wasting my time and would've rather moved to London and just chased our careers and spent money on hols. I'm living to prepare for a baby that I don't even know I can have!

This is all very privileged though!!! Sorry to hear what others are going through :(

Schulte · 27/04/2022 08:23

DD’s asthma. It has massively impacted our lives. I thought I’d have a lot of freedom by the time the DDs were teenagers but no. We’re having to plan parts of our lives around her needs and it sucks.

Oh and the pandemic and Brexit.

Comedycook · 27/04/2022 08:26

Procrastination.

ScrubUpWellInMySundayBest · 27/04/2022 08:27

A disabled child. Although it isn’t her or her disability that is the issue, it’s the complete lack of funding and adequate services to give her even the basics which is the issue.

JammyBastardDodger · 27/04/2022 08:35

The laws of physics.

CrystalCoco · 27/04/2022 08:43

Wrongkindofovercoat · 27/04/2022 07:38

In my case it's entirely down to my own lack of giving enough fucks, well at least at the moment anyway. I would love to blame it on a myriad of other reasons, especially DH, but essentially it boils down to me and the choices and decisions I make, as a fully grown adult.

It's been tough coming to terms with that.

This is me.

I also feel some days like I'm just fundamentally lazy.

I don't have the health issues / lack of money or time that PPs speak of.

(Although I feel at the moment I might be mildly depressed)

dottiedodah · 27/04/2022 08:43

Duestothedirt I feel the same! Just can't have everythingiguess.

knackeredcat · 27/04/2022 08:46

ADHD, autism and lupus. Struggles with them all for years = no confidence, no belief in myself and lack of £££

SecretVictoria · 27/04/2022 08:46

Money.

Couldn't afford uni so no real career. I had a good job where I met my DH working in London. We were both made redundant at the same time. Couldn’t afford to stay and pay mortgage so we moved back to my hometown as we could buy a house outright.

I know we’re luckier than lots of people but I’m so bored here. I loved living around London. I have a job but it’s not a career and not something I want to do for the next 20 years till retirement. There’s no real progression, unless I want to go into the office, but I detest office work. There aren’t any proper jobs round here, mine is about 30 miles away and I can only afford to get there as DH subsidises me. I'd love to go PT as travel wouldn’t be as much, but I can’t.

I'm seriously considering applying for 4 on/4 off roles in London and renting a room. I hate my situation but I’m not really an attractive prospect to an employer as I have virtually no skills. I love the industry I work in, but that is going through some huge changes ATM. If I can’t work in that industry anymore, I’m knackered.

Cottagepieandpeas · 27/04/2022 08:49

Sorry to hear such difficult circumstances from so many. 💐to you all.

My issue is basically confidence. I’ve got a job but have tried for two years to move back into a more senior role but I’ve been knocked back every time. I have now stopped trying and resigned myself to staying where I am and seeing colleagues move on (apparently) effortlessly.

ItsDifferentFor · 27/04/2022 08:55

.. Wow that's a post I was thinking of making on AIBU for several months. Thanks OP!

A) What is it you want for your life that you don't have?

I'm in my 50s, good job/salary, but working in a good job/industry, no mortgage or big expenses. It's long hours, stressful and huge amounts of pressure. I'm often feeling burned out.

I would love to take a step back. I could afford to retire and live a simpler life. Or maybe find an easier and lower pay job.

B) What do you think the reason is?

I'm in a situation where I'm financially supported an adult child. They don't have a good income, and never will in their field (arts), but they still have significant expenses. They've made really bad career choices. I feel obligated to support them a few more years, and then I'll be too old for this industry.

dhaka22 · 27/04/2022 08:58

Autism - I have a job I like but I’m a junior.
I feel it’ll be really hard for someone like me to get promoted or be successful because I’m not the most socially confident.

Also, my physical appearance. I know people will think I’m being superficial but honestly I think my appearance has held me back far more than the autism. At least I can hide the autism to an extent.
It’s not all in my head either as plenty of research suggests people subconsciously treat attractive people better. I don’t expect to look like a model but if I could have just been born average looking my life would have been much easier!! Instead, I’ve experienced plenty of bullying and heckling from strangers because of how I look. I’ve also never been in a relationship (I imagine people presume that’s due to the autism but it’s not as I have made lots of NT friends. Women are much nicer to you than men when you’re unattractive.)

NaiceHamAndHugs · 27/04/2022 09:06

Confidence and self esteem are the first and always have been. When your bullied and given a hard time as a kid, that never leaves you and it’s the foundation for everything. I don’t enjoy my life at all, and I never really have to be honest. There have occasionally been some good things but generally I have a really unhappy existence and have never experienced contentment. One of the only good things about being bullied as a kid is I’ve learnt how to mask it well so I’m not one of those people who will talk about it in real life and am very good at giving the impression of the total opposite of how I’m feeling. The last thing I’d ever want to do is drive people away!

Apart from that money and marrying into a really hard going stressful lifestyle. Very thankless and bleak. I am also simply just one of life’s “unlucky” people.

the last 20 years have been a drag. I’m 43 now so at least I only have only another 20 to go. I know it’ll be a slog to the end but this is just how it is. It’s too late for me to do anything about it, but I’d never wish how I exist or feel upon my worst enemy.

sadfacee · 27/04/2022 09:06

A) What is it you want for your life that you don't have?

Just to be happy. Just a simple no fuss life.

B) What do you think the reason is?

I'm morbidly obese, ugly, disgusting, repulsive and vile. So I have no confidence to do the things I want to do. I have no friends. I do things by myself but I also feel sorry for myself.
I'm just incapable if doing ordinary things. I'm incapable of being a proper adult.

NaiceHamAndHugs · 27/04/2022 09:08

I mean I will NOT talk about it in real life!!

Idontgiveashitanymore · 27/04/2022 09:09

Money, confidence, time, commitments to others.