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Original poster

Why why why do people have kids without marriage

364 replies

changedandcantchangeback · 26/04/2022 20:12

Obviously if you earn more.. have an independent income... so NOT aimed at you..

But WHY after all these years do I see threads from economically improvised women STILL posting how they are so severely compromised ?

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 26/04/2022 22:39

We lived in a HA house, both on low wages, no savings. How would paying out for a wedding and then a divorce have improved things?

ToastedCrumpetwithCheese · 26/04/2022 22:40

I did get married very young, before children, for a variety of reasons but I think the key thing is not losing earning potential and therefore maintaining some independence if needed. Not only if the relationship breaks down, but ill health or worse.

mswales · 26/04/2022 22:45

It's not just about men possibly screwing over their partners if things go wrong, it's also about what happens if they die. If you're not married and you live in a home either owned or half owned by your partner you'll end up losing if you can't afford to pay the inheritance tax. No inheritance tax for spouses.

Viviennemary · 26/04/2022 22:48

Because it has become a trend. Years ago it was totally frowned on and hardly accepted. With women and men forced into unsuitable marriages because of pregnancy. Nobody is saying that was good. Now children without marriage has become the norm and nobody turns a hair. But it does leave a lot of women unprotected financially.

EmptyBites · 26/04/2022 22:49

Maybe I'm naive but what are the advantages of being married when you have children? (Genuine question..I really don't know). Do they apply only to sahm? Wouldn't the father have to pay child maintenance anyway in case they split irrespective of whether the parents are married or not?

OppsUpsSide · 26/04/2022 22:53

If you're not married and you live in a home either owned or half owned by your partner you'll end up losing if you can't afford to pay the inheritance tax. No inheritance tax for spouses.

yes, but only if their estate is worth over £325000.

helloitsnotmeanymore · 26/04/2022 22:56

Sofielou · 26/04/2022 20:33

I have 2 dc and I've never married and don't intend to, because I don't want to. It suits me fine. But I think I'm one of the ones your post doesn't apply to as I'm the breadwinner and have always been and always intend to be financially independent 😊

Me too. And I think getting married is for people who love each other. DP is fine, but I don't really love him enough to gaze into his eyes and say Foreverrrrrrr

RobynNora · 26/04/2022 23:00

Cos the mega sexist traditions around it make lots of women feel queasy! Even before the actual event the man proposes and buys the bling cos he’s the provider and she’s the pretty princess don’t you know. Bleurgh. So dated (not always but usually)

Went for a civil partnership personally.

MangyInseam · 26/04/2022 23:00

DinaofCloud9 · 26/04/2022 22:31

Because I have never wanted to get married. I assume there are a lot more like me. Unless you think all women are desperate for the big white dress?

You really don't need a big white dress to get married. Or anything, really.

OppsUpsSide · 26/04/2022 23:02

You really don't need a big white dress to get married. Or anything, really.

Other than the will you to actually get married.

Felix0204 · 26/04/2022 23:04

Marriage doesn't benefit you if the household income is low. The woman can easily move out if the relationship ends. Apply for housing and claim benefits being married delays that process and adds red tape. I think Mumsnet tends to view things through a middle class lense the average salary in the UK isn't that high and 50 percent will be earning lower !!

wishmyhousetidy · 26/04/2022 23:05

I think there is some very old fashioned views on this thread. I didn’t want to get married, have a good relationship and family. We have written a will to sort financial affairs. The only thing that would be affected is our pensions which would not pay out the percentage to each other if one died. I have seen plenty of couples have horrendous divorces with one partner hiding assets from the other. I have never had any interest in getting married and as long as you are not naive and realise there is no such thing as a ‘common law ‘ wife I think you are fine. Plus how much money do you see wasted on expensive weddings which last a couple of years …

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/04/2022 23:05

Marriage is a very good insurance policy in very specific circumstances: basically if you earn a lot less than your partner and plan to stop work for a period.

But as others have said it’s not necessarily the solution for everyone and it can be a blunt instrument. For me it would be an absolute disaster to get married. I would be needlessly handing my daughter’s inheritance over.

Far better to educate women on the importance of having a job and developing their financial independence, rather than banging on about marriage being a silver bullet. I do see the point of it for some people but it’s value is vastly overstated on Mumsnet.

Villagewaspbyke · 26/04/2022 23:06

what your objection to unmarried mums op? Or do u just like to look down on them?

what about economically impoverished women who marry economically impoverished men? Is that ok with you? Or do you need to marry a rich man to succeed in your world.

I am a never married mum. Made it easier and cheaper to leave my lower earner ex and I certainly don’t regret it at all.

I have a good job and provide well for my family. I don’t have to answer to anyone and I am not trapped with someone I hate so I can pay for activities for the kids like so many married posters on mn.

its 2022. “Why don’t women marry a rich man before having children” is a horrendously misogynist thing to say.

I am still surprised to see so much hate towards us never married mums. Especially on mn. disgraceful imo.

Villagewaspbyke · 26/04/2022 23:08

@MangyInseam you do need to have someone you want to marry and who wants to marry you. If either of those things is not there I am afraid it’s a no go

Hawkins001 · 26/04/2022 23:11

changedandcantchangeback · 26/04/2022 20:12

Obviously if you earn more.. have an independent income... so NOT aimed at you..

But WHY after all these years do I see threads from economically improvised women STILL posting how they are so severely compromised ?

Horny and no protection could be one reasonable answer.

sweetkitty · 26/04/2022 23:11

I had 4DC and wasn’t married, I also gave up a good career to be a SAHM which looking back was a very risky decision and something I would not recommend to my daughters. Luckily it worked out great for me I didn’t work for 11 year went back to uni retrained and now do a job I love.

as the DC were growing up it bothered them we weren’t married and we also started to think about the legal implications. So we went off and had a very cheap quick wedding.

The other day at work I had an argument about the common law wife thing I said there was no such thing and most other people said it gave you protection if for instance you lived in a mans house, paid the mortgage/contributed etc.

DarkShade · 26/04/2022 23:12

I'm not your target as I'm not financially dependent on my DP, but for me it was that I want a baby, a house, and a wedding. I want them all done well, but can only afford one at a time. So I went in order of what was most important to me: baby, then house, maybe eventually wedding.

To be honest I think being married isn't much protection. If I wanted to leave, I would need to pay to get divorced. My DP has no assets, and I wouldn't want a share even if he had. I aim to be self sufficient within the relationship, married or not.

Felix0204 · 26/04/2022 23:12

Because for quite a few Mners the only goal in life is to marry a rich man and become a SAHM 🤣.

OfstedOffred · 26/04/2022 23:12

A lot of people are short termist and impulsive. they make choices based on what they want/what makes them happy right now. Eg I want a baby now not "am I financially secure enough to provide for a child for the next 18 years". Or "I want to have carefree lustful sex with that attractive bloke" not "do I want to co-parent a child with that utterly useless workshy fuckwit".

Villagewaspbyke · 26/04/2022 23:16

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/04/2022 20:16

Because:

A shit load of pregnancy isn't planned.
They don't understand legal rights.
They don't think their partner is a shit.
They want kids more than they want security.
They are promised it in future.
They erroneously believe it's just a piece of paper.
They don't know the wage gap and sexism exists until they have a baby.
They are philosophically opposed to marriage.

That's just a random sampling.

@MrsTerryPratchett the reason I didn’t get married is because I didn’t want to. Perhaps you should consider the possibility that some women don’t want to get married? Perhaps they can support themselves as I can and would rather make sure their assets go to their children than their ex?

bookwormish · 26/04/2022 23:16

Because we fucking want to?

Ballsaque · 26/04/2022 23:19

Because some of us don’t want to be married?

both DP and I have been married before,and we don’t see the point in it?

I have my own career as does he.

Surely the most important thing is to be financially independent and not give up your career when you have a baby?!

we are not big earners either. I just don’t see the point? House is in my name (I bought it before we met). If I die first he can stay in the house (it’s in my Will).

its no biggie to not get married as long as you take precautions and not expect someone to find your life.

Sloelydoesit · 26/04/2022 23:20

The poster that said this:

Far better to educate women on the importance of having a job and developing their financial independence, rather than banging on about marriage being a silver bullet. I do see the point of it for some people but it’s value is vastly overstated on Mumsnet

These days marriage doesn't give you much protection. Unless in circumstances where it's a long marriage and there are loads of assets

Instead it's far more important for both parties after children are born to have the ability to be independent financially .

Yes, not easy these days. But it's the only way

BeerLoas · 26/04/2022 23:20

I posted on an identical thread recently as an unmarried mother (shocking!) living with long term partner and father of child. It’s such a cliche MN topic that somehow being married will protect you from a dickhead partner.

It’s always the wrong question and NOTHING will protect women from a dickhead partner except their own self esteem and demanding 50:50 in their relationship.