Can't handle autistic dd

[lollipoprainbow]

I feel like a terrible, terrible mum. I keep losing my temper with my dd9 who is autistic. We went out for lunch on Sunday with another family member and all my dd did was moan and cry about everything, cue me hissing at her under my breath and telling her off at the table, making her cry etc, I said some awful things to her as I could feel my annoyance rising so much.

Yesterday I collected her from an after school play date with her friend who lives in the next town. As we were driving home she started moaning that the said friend was having another play day today with some girls from school and she wasn't invited. She got more and more angry and started swearing loudly at me and hitting me while I was trying to drive. I tried to stay calm as I was driving but then on cue again I lost my temper and shouted at her again and said awful things making her cry even more. I'm at the end of my tether, how should I have handled these situations? I feel so guilty.

What I would have done differently...

1. When your DD started moaning and crying whilst out at lunch, you should have cancelled your order and left the restaurant. Most likely something was upsetting her but she didn't have the verbal skills to explain.

2. When your daughter was swearing loudly and hitting you whilst driving, you should have pulled over and waited for your daughter to calm down. She was having a meltdown, and needed time to reset.

Having a child with Autism is not easy, but you cannot lose your temper at them. Either take your DD with you with the understanding you will have to be flexible with your plans, or leave DD with Dad when you want to make specific plans such as with family members.

There are a couple of books that I've found useful - 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child and The Explosive Child. When she (and you) are calmer, see if you can get to the bottom of what she found difficult about the family occasion. Maybe there are adjustments you can make next time. Regarding the driving, this is difficult. If you can't drive safely pull over. Consider sitting her in the back if she's not already. Use distractions like music, headphones.

You're not "failing her". She's finding things difficult.

@duvetdayforeveryone thank you. The lunch was coming to and end and we were about to leave shortly anyway.

I agree I should have pulled over but it was on a main road with nowhere to pull into. I was looking for this option.

I need to really think about my behaviour but it's so hard in the heat of the moment.

It sounds absolutely stressful for you. Agree with pp re the leaving the restaurant if things deteriorate like that. The hitting you in the car would scare me more though. Pulling over absolutely but it would frighten me if there was nowhere safe to pull over.

I love my DS1 very much, but he is very difficult. He has complex Autism and doing anything with him is toilsome. We also have DS2. We often tag-team looking after DS1 at the weekend. On Saturday I look after DS1 whilst he spends time with DS2. On Sunday I take DS2 out whilst DH stays at home with DS1.

Maybe the play date after school was too much for her? My son has autism (although his is very severe in that he’s at complex needs school) and there’s no way he could manage with anything directly after school as he needs to come straight home and relax / decompress. Doing something directly after school always results in a meltdown. Although I appreciate it’s difficult if she wanted to have the play date- perhaps next time suggest doing it for a couple of hours at the weekend??

I think going out for something to eat with someone who isn’t in your immediate family (?) is stressful too. Food / smells / noisy restaurants are all common triggers for meltdowns for people with autism.

Its really hard but all you can do is completely change your expectations etc.

@duvetdayforeveryone I'm a single mum so this makes options even harder.

What 'awful things' do you keep saying to her? Perhaps there's someone else she can stay with better suited to what she needs.

@Bagelsandbrie totally agree, after school she loves to come home and de stress and have her snacks and her cat!! She was desperate to do the play date though and talked of nothing else all morning. It was all to do with her friend having other friends. That combined with it being after school and also being tired didn't help. She ended up exhausted and headachey.

The family member is her older cousin and he winds her up by being silly with her! She usually loves it but not on this occasion. It's a pub that we go to regularly for Sunday lunch.

@emmakenny telling her she has a miserable face whenever we go out, she always ruins things for me etc etc, plus swearing. I feel thoroughly ashamed just writing it.

What awful things did you say to her exactly?

Oh wow. You need to learn to keep a lid on your own temper, I know it's hard but my son has autism and other issues and I wouldn't dream of saying that to him.

Maybe you need to go on some autism parenting classes to learn how to cope better?

Don't be too hard on yourself. You had a bad day and tomorrow is a new day. My autistic daughter was a challenge around that age. What I'm going to say here comes from hindsight. I think you do need to adjust your expectations. My daughter had a very short tolerance for coffee shops and eating out at that age. She just couldn't do it. She still has trouble years later but has improved. She often brings fidget toys with her. Those bubble popping things work well, or something to doodle with. I let her play on her phone at the table and just explain to those I'm with ahead of time that this is necessary. Run with it, remember she is not NT, and thing should be easier and hopefully get easier as she gets older. Hang in there.

It's so hard when you have a challenging child that dominates everything. You have my sympathies.

I couldn't cope with an autistic child either. There's absolutely no shame in it. Some people aren't built to parent them. However- you're abusing her. The way you speak to her is no better than a bully. You need to access some support services.

I don't doubt she behaves in ways hard to understand due to her autism but part of it will be the behaviour of a child who feels unloved, unliked and unwanted.

I think it will also help to change your expectations regarding the way your DD might perceive certain activities.
Many neuro diverse children I know REALLY don’t enjoy things like “going out for lunch”(unless is a drive thru). One child I knew was simply too overstimulated when eating in a busy environment, he was used to eating at home.
Another girl I knew loved going out but then would have meltdown towards the end of an activity as she didn’t cope with the transition. At that moment anything could tip her over the edge and lead to crisis (lashing out, verbally & physically) - the fact that her mum didn’t pick up a phone or that she didn’t want to go to school the next day.

Each child is so different, it really depends on what she enjoys doing and what triggers the crying & moaning.

Certainly, if you see her getting upset, try to deescalate the situation before getting in a car with her, as she’s very likely going to get worse.

Empathy here. If we are going anywhere which involves sitting at a table, I will have a magazine, drawing pad or puzzle in my bag, to pull out when required. I will also be watching for cues that things may deteriorate, at which point we will leave asap, even if the meal is unfinished. There will always be something we have planned to do afterwards, which DS is looking forward to (something simple like dvd and popcorn). We don't go out much.

School plus playdate after sounds like a lot for an autistic child. I would have been anticipating a meltdown in the car. I use bubblegum, an audiobook, and/or a favourite food to eat in order to take the edge off. There's not much you could have done once she was in a state of active distress. I have shouted in the car as well, simply because of the stress of managing dangerous behaviour. It's not the way to handle it, and can make the child's behaviour even worse, but sometimes the parental stress is overwhelming. You are human.

I take anti-ds now, which have helped with anger/frustration/irritation enormously. But we were up until 3am last night, with DS hitting and annoying DH from 11.30pm until 1.30am without stopping. Yes, it was because he had had a panic attack and was dysregulated. But at 1.45am I lost my shit and shouted. I have forgiven myself. It's a tough gig.

Did shouting at her in the car stop her hitting and distracting you? If it did I wouldn't feel bad about it, but obviously pulling in somewhere until she calmed down would have been preferable.

You realise shouting isn't the answer, keep persevering to avoid it .

Autism and ADHD mum here.

Firstly, it's extremely hard parenting neurodivergent children and I for one have lost it a few times over the years, increasingly less so.

Anger management classes helped enormously, as has finding fellow parents who know what you're going through.

I take my kids out a lot but avoid restaurants as their behaviour doesn't work in them. Instead we'll do stret

As another user said, you are raising a child that is going to feel unloved, unliked and unwanted 😪

Something that really helped change my mindset was something Yvonne Newbold said on a course I went in called 'dealing with violent and challenging behaviour' - look her up.

She said that the instinct of how to deal with this is in you already. If your child had a big graze on her knee, you would see her distress, feel sympathy hug her, sit down quietly, clean it, etc

These sorts of outburst after noisy, sensory overload events or realising they are being excluded from something but maybe dont have the social skills to know why or how to explain how that feels - they are like mental grazes on her knee.

Thinking like this might make you feel less angry and stop you saying mean things.

Longer term look at reducing these sorts of situations by looking for sensory or communication triggers. Theres lots of advice on that.

You’re not a terrible mum. You’re struggling. As parents we are always being told how we should be this and should be that but we are human too. We want to be able to go to restaurants, to have time to ourselves, to have days without any drama and if you’re tired or feeling low you are not going to give perfect textbook responses to difficult situations.

Her behaviour is not a reflection of your parenting or her manners, it’s a form of communication. It might sound like moaning and it may be aggressive or insulting but it is communication. She’s telling you she’s feeling overwhelmed. There is a conflict between your expectations and her needs and the only one that can change is your expectations.

It’s so hard not to respond emotionally or take things personally so you need a method of detaching yourself in the moment. This may sound daft but if you can have a phrase to whisper to yourself that will calm you down such as “she’s just a kid” or “she’s just anxious” that might stop you snapping. Even things like pretending you’re being filmed or pretending you’re a child minder not a parent even for two minutes can just give you that brief sensation of detachment that can give you the time to breathe and get calmer.

She struggles to articulate how she’s feeling so it might help to look into alternative ways of communicating. Something she can use to say when she’s feeling anxious or needs to leave rather than resorting to challenging behaviour. It may help her to have a comfort/fidget/distraction toy or object that she can use to self soothe.

I think you would definitely benefit from seeking out online support groups for parents of children with autism. I think you need and deserve some support and advice from people who understand. It can take time to come to terms with having a child with autism and to get to know your own child’s ways of communicating. Mistakes will be made, you’re both only human so try to forgive her and yourself when you can’t be perfect.

Yikes, OP.

I've read your updates - I completely understand how hard it is but you know this isn't OK. You can't say those things to her.

I have autistic twins, one DS and one DD. DS is higher needs but they're difficult in different ways.

You need to view the world through her eyes. She's not being naughty, she's just overwhelmed and doesn't have the mechanisms to cope. You need to have plans in advance about what to do if things get too much. Learn to spot the warning signs before things bubble over. Recognise that some situations will really push her beyond her limits.

Do you know what calms her down? What would help her in those circumstances? You need to be proactive in helping her to manage rather than letting things get to boiling point where you then get frustrated too.

Shouting will just increase her anxiety levels, but you know this. Sometimes saying nothing is fine. You can't scold her out of a meltdown. When she's at her limit and melting down calmly say, "I can see you're having a hard time. Let's get home so you can have a bit of quiet space." Lower your voice, breathe, and don't react. She's not doing this on purpose - it's miserable for her too. She needs your help.

I have been physically attacked by my DS so many times over the years. I used to get shoes thrown at me when I was driving so believe me when I say I really, really do get it. But your child needs help. She's struggling.

My DP finds it hard sometimes. What I say to him is that if a child in a wheelchair was struggling physically, would you be angry at them? Would you be mad at the inconvenience because they couldn't stand up and walk? Apply the same kindness and understanding to autistic difficulties - autism is a disability too. But it's invisible so receives a lot less sympathy and understanding. And I can say this as I'm autistic myself.

The teen years aren't going to be easy for you or DD, OP. Reach out for some support now. Have you done the autism parenting courses like Early Bird etc? Understanding how the world feels to your daughter might help you manage your own emotions.

I have 2 autistic children and the thing I have come to realise is that you have to treat them much younger than they are and realise that although a lot of the time thy can look and act in a very typical way they are dealing with issues that make their life extremely stressful.
So use these experiences to look for strategies. So if she is losing it at lunch have a get out clause. Can she run around outside put headphones on or even request you go home if it is too much. And you now know that after school activities are out so stick to routine and do it at the weekend.
You have to adjust your life to make it simpler and over time you will be able to see little bits of progress.
And one thing I have learnt the hard way is that any negative emotion is picked up by them and only amplifies their lack of emotional regulation. So try to speak quietly and slowly in a calm voice and dont even try to talk to her during a meltdown as she cannot process anything you are saying. Discuss issues when you are both calm.
And finally forgive yourself and work to make things better. accept you cannot have a normal life at present and support her within her limitations. Thus all sounds v simple but is actually v hard to do consistently and as a single parent it us doubly hard so dont beat yourself up. Tell her you love her and didnt mean if and don't be afraid to say you got it wrong.

I think some PPs have been overly harsh, OP. I have a son with ASD and my God I have lost it at times and said a lot worse than you. It comes from an overwhelming sense of worry, I think - and that can come out as anger.

You are not only the mother of a child with ASD but also a single mother. That is an extremely tough gig. Some other posters have given really good advice about ways to handle your DD's outbursts but I just wanted to say that I completely empathise with you, and try not to be too hard on yourself.