Can't handle autistic dd

[lollipoprainbow]

I feel like a terrible, terrible mum. I keep losing my temper with my dd9 who is autistic. We went out for lunch on Sunday with another family member and all my dd did was moan and cry about everything, cue me hissing at her under my breath and telling her off at the table, making her cry etc, I said some awful things to her as I could feel my annoyance rising so much.

Yesterday I collected her from an after school play date with her friend who lives in the next town. As we were driving home she started moaning that the said friend was having another play day today with some girls from school and she wasn't invited. She got more and more angry and started swearing loudly at me and hitting me while I was trying to drive. I tried to stay calm as I was driving but then on cue again I lost my temper and shouted at her again and said awful things making her cry even more. I'm at the end of my tether, how should I have handled these situations? I feel so guilty.

You're not abusive . Abusers don't feel guilty. That's a shitty thing to say. It sounds like you try hard and it Is hard with children who are on the spectrum. I agree it's Worry coming out as anger. You clearly care very much.

Ah OP - apart from the saintly parents - we all lose our sh!t with our kids - i reframed to myself as it showing them ‘reality’ - so not everyone in the world will actually be nice, patient and loving with them and their bad behaviour and I was their first practice 🤦🏻‍♀️ Tongue in cheek folks before anyone gets upset - I didn’t plan any awfulness for that!
I have now adult NT and ND kids so they all survived, but being hit in the car is frightening and dangerous (and painful when they’re teens I can assure you) and I cannot credit people really have the control and patience to pull over and speak gently - just wow! I couldn’t see the road for stars and was definitely shouting in fear and anger.
I’m also a big believer in ND people learning - as far as able - to behave appropriately, whether they know why or not even, as otherwise it gets too hard for them and others in later years. This from what I learned working with adults with severe additional needs - for example a common one was if they had never had to learn to behave for their parents and not be aggressive then sooner or later their parents were too old to manage and they ended up barely being able to see them from being young strong adults - so sad.
It is difficult to differentiate between ND unavoidable behaviour and just everyday naughty behaviour at times and as they get older some learn to play on this so don’t back off from moderating poor behaviour.
I’m not ignoring the needs of your daughter - obviously she does need some alternative ways of handling at times - there’s some really good suggestions on here and I hope you learn a way through for both of you and even some joy - but please don’t berate yourself - it’s a journey everyone is on at different points - be kind to yourself.

You are both learning. Say sorry. Explain that you feel so worried about both of your behaviour and you want to do better because you love her. Then talk about why things went wrong and how you could help each other be better.

I think some of the replies are really harsh and uncalled for, have some empathy, OP is a human being, not a saint, it’s only natural to get upset and lose your cool some times when you’re being physically attacked and your life is dominated by your child’s meltdowns and tantrums. People are acting like she punched the kid, what she said wasn’t even that awful and I’m sure many parents with NT children has said similar or worse. when at their breaking point.

I also agree with previous posters who have said this style of parenting where it is assumed every bad behaviour is something that the child couldn’t control and therefore shouldn’t be punished for does these kids no favours, one day they will be teens and then adults and they need to learn how to control themselves and not resort to violence when they feel upset or overwhelmed. How are they ever going to learn if no one teaches them?

Oh ignore the haters OP. You didn’t sign up for this - I’m sure when you imagined parenthood you didn’t picture a scene where you’d be doing it on your own, to a child whose behavior is an absolute nightmare due to a disability. Cut yourself some slack, seek help from your GP and see if there are any services or support groups out there.

You lost your rag, feel terrible and are asking for advice, thats good parenting in my book.
I've lost my shit like that a few times over the years and my kids aren't autistic . It happens when the tank is empty and you go just go 0 to 100 in a second.
Hope if possible you can get a break and look after yourself. Take care!!

Ease up on yourself, we all mess up. Have you really accepted your dd's autism and what her needs are?

There's just no point in trying to get her to fit into activities that neurotypical people enjoy because it will cause more anxiety, set up negative patterns and be all round unhelpful.

Spend time with your DD after school offering her the things she needs in order to gain or expell sensory feedback. Keep everything low impact, quiet, darkish, no TV etc. Let that happen and then if she wants to just chill, let her.

She will gradually increase her field of experiences and maybe you'll enjoy an activity together. Arrange meet ups in resteraunts when you're not with your DD.

Nothing but empathy from me OP. I am at the absolute end of my tether with my autistic DS and started a thread the other day talking about how I can't cope and am looking into residential school for him in the future. I am way behind you in the coping stakes and, while I don't say anything like that to him because he doesn't understand anyway, I have thought all those things and more a million times. I just have to remove myself from the situation now (if at home) as he's so big and strong trying to move him to his room for example is just too difficult and makes things worse.

If you can talk to your DD, she'll understand I mean, then I would do that in calm times and see if she can explain to you why she acted how she did. Chances are she can't, and you can only try to manage expectations and plan your reaction or escape route.

We can't go anywhere with our son just now, he doesn't cope with anything at home or outside... and that is with TWO supposedly capable adults who are aware of the fact our son's explosive meltdowns and difficult behaviour aren't his fault but are part of his own difficulties coping in the world. Total solidarity with you, you're doing a great job and I hope things will get easier for you both soon.

OP, you’ve had a few very dim and judgmental responses - suggest ignore.

Taking a new tack, I’m suggesting you focus on keeping yourself safe and happy before you tend to DD.

Get some cheap counselling where you can let off steam without doing it en famille with all the added problems that causes - you don’t deserve any more trouble in your life.

Get 2 hours time out to yourself per week. Nothing domestic, no offspring, nothing but peace and quiet.

I would have a think about writing some social stories around the issues of friendship, it being ok to have more than one friend, being ok for different groups of friends to get together at different times etc.

You sound like a fantastic mum, it’s so hard having an autistic child that can be violent, it’s relentless and you always feel like you are on alert waiting for something to happen. You know why you are a fantastic mum because you know you didn’t handle a situation well, you feel guilty about it, if you were a terrible mum you wouldn’t even care. We are all human, apologise to your daughter and move on. And to the person saying you need to ask for support I’m guessing they haven’t been in the position lately where they needed to ask ss for support for a disabled child as if they did they’d know it was pretty much non existent. I would also recommend Yvonne newbolds Facebook group if you are not on it already.

So glad to hear that OP. There are sadly some very unpleasant individuals who use internet forums to bully others and they target those who are having a vulnerable moment. I am glad you have the strength to be able to filter it out and focus on the constructive responses. It takes a lot of courage to open up to strangers but there are some lovely responses on this thread that I hope have made it worth doing.

The shitty responses were the ones telling the truth. I told the truth to scare you. At 9 years old your DD still has a decade more of parenting they will need. You can change.

I told the truth in order for history to not repeat itself. My mum was exactly how you describe yourself in your post, although my mum also used to physically hurt me. I am 34 years old and it still haunts me to this day. It messes with my head more than you will ever know.

@duvetdayforeveryone you don't need to 'scare' me I know I've done wrong, I didn't need people making me feel worse then I already did I was asking for advice not to be told I'm a bully and an abuser, And by the way I have never physically assaulted my dd.

@duvetdayforeveryone The shitty responses were the ones telling the truth. I told the truth to scare you.* *So pointedly letting op you are judging her and not at all interested in helping, just sticking the boot in?

@lollipoprainboware you registered* *withyour local carers center?

I agree. Sorry for your upbringing @duvetdayforeveryone but the posts have obviously hit a nerve. the OP isn't your mum. I remember when I first reached out for online support (day after diagnosis, 10 years ago) and I phrased things incorrectly. The responses I got made sure that I didn't reach out again for another couple of years, and it was so lonely. Surely, supporting each other through the lows and celebrating the highs seems more conducive.
You say yourself you tag team care for your DS, but OP doesn't have that option. It must be so hard.
OP, please keep reaching out for support. It's a brave first step, keep going. DM if you can't face the uncaring responses. You have to take care of yourself sometimes, otherwise you will burn out and then everyone loses. It might seem selfish at first but your DC will appreciate a mum who is more able to handle whatever the day throws at you. Your spoons also matter.

This sounds very familiar. My sister still does this now to my parents. There's no insight whatsoever.

Cut yourself some slack. My DD9 has ADHD and I am a single parent. It is super hard but I'm learning every day to be a better person and listen to DDs needs. We've had some awful times where DD has had huge meltdowns with hitting, especially at bed time, and I had to shut myself in my room. It is a horrible feeling being afraid of your own child.

Things are much better now but I also think I am a lot better at listening to her signals. I too have shouted at her in absolute despair. It is also very frustrating when you have arranged a nice day out eg a meal and your child does nothing but moan and complain but they can't always help it.

No advice apart from parenting training can be really helpful and just keep learning your child's signals so you can remove her from situations she struggles in or diffuse a situation. You are not a terrible person or parent. You are human doing the best you can on your own.

Sending you 🌺

first thing.. OP why would you choose to post this on AIBU 🤦🏻‍♀️ That’s asking for trouble. Ask MNHQ to move it to the right place.
You have my sympathies OP and I'm not at surprised you loose your temper with your DD. It must be so draining and frustrating. However I think the reason you posted isn't because of the shouting it was because what you said was 'awful'. You mention the fact you said 'awful' things to her twice in your OP.

So the issue isn't the shouting it's the fact you said 'awful' things to her. The two things are very different.

I obviously don't think it's ever normal or ok to shout awful things at a child. You don't know what they will latch on to and how it will effect them. (See a million threads on Mumsnet) Plus, I'm sure it doesn't work and only makes you feel shit and worthless too.

So, one way or another, the ‘awful’ comments have to stop completely and immediately.

It doesn't matter what you and what posters on Mumsnet call it it's how it effects your daughter that matters.

If I were you I'd either try some of the books suggested by PPs or I'd speak to social services about parenting classes or I'd see a therapist.

Good luck.

Don't be so pompous. I've just repeated back what the op said back to her. I do think it's serious and the op clearly thinks it's ok too. My parenting is irrelevant.

I don't see an issue with what you said @IMustGoToBed . It was supportive but addresses what I've been thinking - OP knows she was in the wrong and would benefit from support as it's tough, but her daughter will have been so hurt by those words, and the swearing. They would both obviously feel much better if it didn't happen again and OP was supported to handle such situations better.
I am autistic and have ADHD, and also have an autistic child. It is by no means easy, but some comments here really do cut like a knife.

Eating out can be difficult for some autistic children, my eldest really can't tolerate it. He finds the noises and smells over-whelming.

So I would consider the environment of the place you went and if there's an alternative that would better suit your DD. Or a different activity.

With the car I would ensure she sits in the rear nearside for all journeys. No exceptions ifs or buts.

wrt moaning etc It can be more effective, rather than saying like "well, you can't expect to be invited on every play date" to something like "it would be nice to be invited to everything, wouldn't it? But can you imagine if the whole class came to ours to play?!? I'm not sure we'd have enough space" And save the bigger discussion for home.

It's really hard but try not to engage in an argument, sometimes taking a literal breather helps. So saying right let's both take deep breaths, look up square breathing and try and work with your daughter to learn healthy de-escalation techniques.

It's tough, really tough, and we've lost our tempers and shouted at DS sometimes - he's not assessed yet, just started down that route, but the more I read, the more I recognise his behaviour.

A few weeks ago DS had a meltdown, I was left with two bite marks, multiple bruises on my arms, on my shin and on my feet. Just over a week ago I was kicked in the face, yesterday DH was headbutted in the face when he intervened to prevent DS from biting me. We are trying, rapidly, to identify triggers, to recognise warning signs and distract or divert but it's bloody difficult and we're not saints. All we can do is, if we get it wrong this time, own up, learn, try and do better next time.