Can't handle autistic dd

[lollipoprainbow]

I feel like a terrible, terrible mum. I keep losing my temper with my dd9 who is autistic. We went out for lunch on Sunday with another family member and all my dd did was moan and cry about everything, cue me hissing at her under my breath and telling her off at the table, making her cry etc, I said some awful things to her as I could feel my annoyance rising so much.

Yesterday I collected her from an after school play date with her friend who lives in the next town. As we were driving home she started moaning that the said friend was having another play day today with some girls from school and she wasn't invited. She got more and more angry and started swearing loudly at me and hitting me while I was trying to drive. I tried to stay calm as I was driving but then on cue again I lost my temper and shouted at her again and said awful things making her cry even more. I'm at the end of my tether, how should I have handled these situations? I feel so guilty.

But what you said was true at the time wasn’t it?

I have an autistic child myself I had an appointment he made us late for by being difficult and I said you know it comes to something when it’s easier to get a literal toddler out of the house than you accompanied by a stern glare, do I regret it it? No
was I grumpy and in pain and not my best self ? Yes
having the patience of a saint benefits no child a child w/autism is still a child who needs discipline.

the restaurant I would have said sorry to the relative and probably gone home sometimes it’s just time to go.

The car thing I would have given her a very strong telling off and told her how dangerous that was. Solidarity though it is hard

Thanks to @duvetdayforeveryone @emmakenny and @TweetTweetMF for making me feel even worse than I already feel. I was asking for advice on how to handle things. Thanks to the other kind and sympathetic posters, I will look into some of the things you have suggested.

What an awful disgraceful post. Good people do bad things when they’re at the end of their tether. How can you speak in such a presumptuous and judgemental manner to a stranger who is clearly struggling. You have no idea whether the child is feeling unloved or not. Comments like yours can prevent people in need from coming forward and that can result in much more serious consequences in the long run. If your instinct is to bully someone rather than help them then please refrain from commenting in future.

Also parent to severely autistic child and when you've had days of destruction and violence, you do lose it. I love him so much but our quality of life is not great. It's bloody hard. Sympathies, OP.

On a related note, can anyone recommend any courses?

I agree - you've had some overly harsh responses.

No parent expects this to be their 'parenting journey' we learn as we go. Every single one of us will have done things we regret in the aftermath - even with neuro typical kids. But for a single mum with an autistic child this is to be expected...you are probably spread extremely thinly and we're at the end of your tether. You're doing amazing - just keep doing what you're doing.

I've massively lost it with my son when I was overwhelmed. I saw it as an opportunity to show him Mum makes mistakes too, apologised and we moved on from it. You're not super woman and shouldn't be expected to be devoid of emotions because your child has SEN.

Couple of things...

1. I found the poem 'welcome to Holland' and it really helps me to understand all those underlying feelings I have that I try to suppress. It really is lovely and I try to read it every so often to help me relive feelings of guilt that I have for feeling sorry for myself.

1. Dr Ross Greene has a book called 'the explosive child' and a monthly podcast too. I would say reading this book was a turning point for me, it encourages a 'change of lens' and things have been far less explosive in our house ever since this shift of mindset. It's hard to suddenly switch on the empathy step, especially since everyone around you will tell you you're 'letting your child get away with too much" but actually when you start realising your child isn't GIVING you a hard time, they're HAVING a hard time, your child will start to feel safe again and will handle changes and challenges more easily as they're supported.

1. As other posters have said, Yvonne Newbold has a great Facebook page and she does webinars that are fantastic. They're not just aimed at children with violent behaviour but the strategies work well with most children with SEN.

1. Join as many local Facebook groups as you can, find local charities that can help and try to make friends with other SEN parents. I think the help and advice I've had from other mums in my situation has been what's pulled us through our worse times. They just 'get it'

So sorry you're struggling right now - it WILL get better, at one point we couldn't ever eat out with our son, he'd hide under the table, scream and shout, kick off if he didn't have his iPad, demand to leave, refuse to eat. Weve definitely turned a corner, and you will too.

Good luck

I agree - you've had some overly harsh responses.

No parent expects this to be their 'parenting journey' we learn as we go. Every single one of us will have done things we regret in the aftermath - even with neuro typical kids. But for a single mum with an autistic child this is to be expected...you are probably spread extremely thinly and we're at the end of your tether. You're doing amazing - just keep doing what you're doing.

I've massively lost it with my son when I was overwhelmed. I saw it as an opportunity to show him Mum makes mistakes too, apologised and we moved on from it. You're not super woman and shouldn't be expected to be devoid of emotions because your child has SEN.

Couple of things...

1. I found the poem 'welcome to Holland' and it really helps me to understand all those underlying feelings I have that I try to suppress. It really is lovely and I try to read it every so often to help me relive feelings of guilt that I have for feeling sorry for myself.

1. Dr Ross Greene has a book called 'the explosive child' and a monthly podcast too. I would say reading this book was a turning point for me, it encourages a 'change of lens' and things have been far less explosive in our house ever since this shift of mindset. It's hard to suddenly switch on the empathy step, especially since everyone around you will tell you you're 'letting your child get away with too much" but actually when you start realising your child isn't GIVING you a hard time, they're HAVING a hard time, your child will start to feel safe again and will handle changes and challenges more easily as they're supported.

1. As other posters have said, Yvonne Newbold has a great Facebook page and she does webinars that are fantastic. They're not just aimed at children with violent behaviour but the strategies work well with most children with SEN.

1. Join as many local Facebook groups as you can, find local charities that can help and try to make friends with other SEN parents. I think the help and advice I've had from other mums in my situation has been what's pulled us through our worse times. They just 'get it'

So sorry you're struggling right now - it WILL get better, at one point we couldn't ever eat out with our son, he'd hide under the table, scream and shout, kick off if he didn't have his iPad, demand to leave, refuse to eat. Weve definitely turned a corner, and you will too.

Good luck 

I agree - you've had some overly harsh responses.

No parent expects this to be their 'parenting journey' we learn as we go. Every single one of us will have done things we regret in the aftermath - even with neuro typical kids. But for a single mum with an autistic child this is to be expected...you are probably spread extremely thinly and we're at the end of your tether. You're doing amazing - just keep doing what you're doing.

I've massively lost it with my son when I was overwhelmed. I saw it as an opportunity to show him Mum makes mistakes too, apologised and we moved on from it. You're not super woman and shouldn't be expected to be devoid of emotions because your child has SEN.

Couple of things...

1. I found the poem 'welcome to Holland' and it really helps me to understand all those underlying feelings I have that I try to suppress. It really is lovely and I try to read it every so often to help me relive feelings of guilt that I have for feeling sorry for myself.

1. Dr Ross Greene has a book called 'the explosive child' and a monthly podcast too. I would say reading this book was a turning point for me, it encourages a 'change of lens' and things have been far less explosive in our house ever since this shift of mindset. It's hard to suddenly switch on the empathy step, especially since everyone around you will tell you you're 'letting your child get away with too much" but actually when you start realising your child isn't GIVING you a hard time, they're HAVING a hard time, your child will start to feel safe again and will handle changes and challenges more easily as they're supported.

1. As other posters have said, Yvonne Newbold has a great Facebook page and she does webinars that are fantastic. They're not just aimed at children with violent behaviour but the strategies work well with most children with SEN.

1. Join as many local Facebook groups as you can, find local charities that can help and try to make friends with other SEN parents. I think the help and advice I've had from other mums in my situation has been what's pulled us through our worse times. They just 'get it'

So sorry you're struggling right now - it WILL get better, at one point we couldn't ever eat out with our son, he'd hide under the table, scream and shout, kick off if he didn't have his iPad, demand to leave, refuse to eat. Weve definitely turned a corner, and you will too.

Good luck 

I agree - you've had some overly harsh responses.

No parent expects this to be their 'parenting journey' we learn as we go. Every single one of us will have done things we regret in the aftermath - even with neuro typical kids. But for a single mum with an autistic child this is to be expected...you are probably spread extremely thinly and we're at the end of your tether. You're doing amazing - just keep doing what you're doing.

I've massively lost it with my son when I was overwhelmed. I saw it as an opportunity to show him Mum makes mistakes too, apologised and we moved on from it. You're not super woman and shouldn't be expected to be devoid of emotions because your child has SEN.

Couple of things...

1. I found the poem 'welcome to Holland' and it really helps me to understand all those underlying feelings I have that I try to suppress. It really is lovely and I try to read it every so often to help me relive feelings of guilt that I have for feeling sorry for myself.

1. Dr Ross Greene has a book called 'the explosive child' and a monthly podcast too. I would say reading this book was a turning point for me, it encourages a 'change of lens' and things have been far less explosive in our house ever since this shift of mindset. It's hard to suddenly switch on the empathy step, especially since everyone around you will tell you you're 'letting your child get away with too much" but actually when you start realising your child isn't GIVING you a hard time, they're HAVING a hard time, your child will start to feel safe again and will handle changes and challenges more easily as they're supported.

1. As other posters have said, Yvonne Newbold has a great Facebook page and she does webinars that are fantastic. They're not just aimed at children with violent behaviour but the strategies work well with most children with SEN.

1. Join as many local Facebook groups as you can, find local charities that can help and try to make friends with other SEN parents. I think the help and advice I've had from other mums in my situation has been what's pulled us through our worse times. They just 'get it'

So sorry you're struggling right now - it WILL get better, at one point we couldn't ever eat out with our son, he'd hide under the table, scream and shout, kick off if he didn't have his iPad, demand to leave, refuse to eat. Weve definitely turned a corner, and you will too.

Good luck 

I agree - you've had some overly harsh responses.

Look for the books "autism discussion pages"

Facebook link - Autism Discussion Page

DD (13) is autistic. What gets me through is "if I am struggling, she's struggling more" and from her perspective "do I look like I am having fun" It helps me remain calm and focused enough to help her.

Validate her feelings.

Keep your feelings out of it.

Talk calmly and in small sentences.

Allow her to vent.

Talk when she is calmer, not when she is heightened.

Look for the books "autism discussion pages"

Facebook link - Autism Discussion Page

DD (13) is autistic. What gets me through is "if I am struggling, she's struggling more" and from her perspective "do I look like I am having fun" It helps me remain calm and focused enough to help her.

Validate her feelings.

Keep your feelings out of it.

Talk calmly and in small sentences.

Allow her to vent.

Talk when she is calmer, not when she is heightened.

Stop saying awful things to her. She needs you to be her safe space.

Single mum here too, I get it.. it's endless...

Look for the books "autism discussion pages"

Facebook link - Autism Discussion Page

DD (13) is autistic. What gets me through is "if I am struggling, she's struggling more" and from her perspective "do I look like I am having fun" It helps me remain calm and focused enough to help her.

Validate her feelings.

Keep your feelings out of it.

Talk calmly and in small sentences.

Allow her to vent.

Talk when she is calmer, not when she is heightened.

Stop saying awful things to her. She needs you to be her safe space.

Single mum here too, I get it.. it's endless...

Much of life will be so, so overwhelming for her. My autistic dd is 16 and I’m still learning from my mistakes.
I kind of do a mini risk assessment in my head for anything that will place demands on her. It also helps to treat your life either like life with a toddler.

I agree - you've had some overly harsh responses.

No parent expects this to be their 'parenting journey' we learn as we go. Every single one of us will have done things we regret in the aftermath - even with neuro typical kids. But for a single mum with an autistic child this is to be expected...you are probably spread extremely thinly and we're at the end of your tether. You're doing amazing - just keep doing what you're doing.

I've massively lost it with my son when I was overwhelmed. I saw it as an opportunity to show him Mum makes mistakes too, apologised and we moved on from it. You're not super woman and shouldn't be expected to be devoid of emotions because your child has SEN.

Couple of things...

1. I found the poem 'welcome to Holland' and it really helps me to understand all those underlying feelings I have that I try to suppress. It really is lovely and I try to read it every so often to help me relive feelings of guilt that I have for feeling sorry for myself.

1. Dr Ross Greene has a book called 'the explosive child' and a monthly podcast too. I would say reading this book was a turning point for me, it encourages a 'change of lens' and things have been far less explosive in our house ever since this shift of mindset. It's hard to suddenly switch on the empathy step, especially since everyone around you will tell you you're 'letting your child get away with too much" but actually when you start realising your child isn't GIVING you a hard time, they're HAVING a hard time, your child will start to feel safe again and will handle changes and challenges more easily as they're supported.

1. As other posters have said, Yvonne Newbold has a great Facebook page and she does webinars that are fantastic. They're not just aimed at children with violent behaviour but the strategies work well with most children with SEN.

1. Join as many local Facebook groups as you can, find local charities that can help and try to make friends with other SEN parents. I think the help and advice I've had from other mums in my situation has been what's pulled us through our worse times. They just 'get it'

So sorry you're struggling right now - it WILL get better, at one point we couldn't ever eat out with our son, he'd hide under the table, scream and shout, kick off if he didn't have his iPad, demand to leave, refuse to eat. Weve definitely turned a corner, and you will too.

Good luck 

Eek so sorry for the thousand posts I just sent
The app was telling me it wasn't posting my reply.

Look for the books "autism discussion pages"

Facebook link - Autism Discussion Page

DD (13) is autistic. What gets me through is "if I am struggling, she's struggling more" and from her perspective "do I look like I am having fun" It helps me remain calm and focused enough to help her.

Validate her feelings.

Keep your feelings out of it.

Talk calmly and in small sentences.

Allow her to vent.

Talk when she is calmer, not when she is heightened.

Stop saying awful things to her, easier said than done, I know but you are giving her messages that she will carry for her whole life and it's damaging to anyone, not just a ND child. My dd constantly brings up times when people said mean stuff to her (yes, me included to a point before I realised) and now she is having intrusive auditory hallucinations that repeat those things to her at her most difficult times.

Single mum here too, I get it.. it's endless, it's hard and unforgiving, but
she needs you to be her safe space.

It also might mean making her world smaller for a time so she can learn vital coping skills

Look for the books "autism discussion pages"

Facebook link - Autism Discussion Page

DD (13) is autistic. What gets me through is "if I am struggling, she's struggling more" and from her perspective "do I look like I am having fun" It helps me remain calm and focused enough to help her.

Validate her feelings.

Keep your feelings out of it.

Talk calmly and in small sentences.

Allow her to vent.

Talk when she is calmer, not when she is heightened.

Stop saying awful things to her, easier said than done, I know but you are giving her messages that she will carry for her whole life and it's damaging to anyone, not just a ND child. My dd constantly brings up times when people said mean stuff to her (yes, me included to a point before I realised) and now she is having intrusive auditory hallucinations that repeat those things to her at her most difficult times.

Single mum here too, I get it.. it's endless, it's hard and unforgiving, but
she needs you to be her safe space.

It also might mean making her world smaller for a time so she can learn vital coping skills

I've said worse things. I don't really care. They were being awful and I am not literally a saint. Life is hard and we all have meltdowns sometimes when it gets a bit overwhelming. Apologise and move on. A pity party helps noone. Neither does shaming.

I would do the same as other suggestions here but consider it more 'natural consequences'. Child can't cope in restaurants or after school dates, child doesn't go. See if you can set yourself up some breaks instead - can anyone child-mind while you go out to a restaurant with friends, or get an hour to yourself after school? Our ideas of what is good for our kids can be influenced by what we want as well - a meal out to chat with other adults, a bit of time to ourselves while our kids 'socialise'.

Yes this is an environment and expectations issue. When she is taken out of her comfort zone it needs to be built up in a way she can manage and your expectations probably need to be lowered. I brought my also autistic DS out for a walk with friends last week and he struggled in the same way as your DD did at lunch. I used a tonne of bribery (get anything you want from the cafe) and deflection (I’m going to put my timer on for 10 minutes and then we will go home) to get through It is so hard to deal with though so you do have my utmost sympathy.

OP sounds like she might be tired and hungry afetr school - I'd recommend taking snack for her to have in the car. It will give her energy and perhaps distract her from moaning. Also I'd recommend an audio story or music she likes to listen to - something gentle.

In the restaurant I'd get out an ipad, phone or whatever and occupy her with that. I have one with ASD and these things really help.

Instead of shouting at her next time reply to her once and then ignore the moaning. Don't get into it. As a pp says, think of her as a younger child - what would you do with a toddler? hopefully not shout and swear! distract them usually works best. Or put on a sing song voice and talk about something nice.

Also I would talk to her about these situations when you've both calmed down - apologise for your behaviour, tell her you really love her so much and explain why you were so stressed and behaved as you did - but be clear that your behaviour was wrong and you are going to try to work on it. Then do something nice with her - make sure it's something she thinks is nice and not something other children her age would normally find nice (as the two might be quite different!).

OP sounds like she might be tired and hungry afetr school - I'd recommend taking snack for her to have in the car. It will give her energy and perhaps distract her from moaning. Also I'd recommend an audio story or music she likes to listen to - something gentle.

In the restaurant I'd get out an ipad, phone or whatever and occupy her with that. I have one with ASD and these things really help.

Instead of shouting at her next time reply to her once and then ignore the moaning. Don't get into it. As a pp says, think of her as a younger child - what would you do with a toddler? hopefully not shout and swear! distract them usually works best. Or put on a sing song voice and talk about something nice.

Also I would talk to her about these situations when you've both calmed down - apologise for your behaviour, tell her you really love her so much and explain why you were so stressed and behaved as you did - but be clear that your behaviour was wrong and you are going to try to work on it. Then do something nice with her - make sure it's something she thinks is nice and not something other children her age would normally find nice (as the two might be quite different!).

OP sounds like she might be tired and hungry afetr school - I'd recommend taking snack for her to have in the car. It will give her energy and perhaps distract her from moaning. Also I'd recommend an audio story or music she likes to listen to - something gentle.

In the restaurant I'd get out an ipad, phone or whatever and occupy her with that. I have one with ASD and these things really help.

Instead of shouting at her next time reply to her once and then ignore the moaning. Don't get into it. As a pp says, think of her as a younger child - what would you do with a toddler? hopefully not shout and swear! distract them usually works best. Or put on a sing song voice and talk about something nice.

Also I would talk to her about these situations when you've both calmed down - apologise for your behaviour, tell her you really love her so much and explain why you were so stressed and behaved as you did - but be clear that your behaviour was wrong and you are going to try to work on it. Then do something nice with her - make sure it's something she thinks is nice and not something other children her age would normally find nice (as the two might be quite different!).

OP sounds like she might be tired and hungry afetr school - I'd recommend taking snack for her to have in the car. It will give her energy and perhaps distract her from moaning. Also I'd recommend an audio story or music she likes to listen to - something gentle.

In the restaurant I'd get out an ipad, phone or whatever and occupy her with that. I have one with ASD and these things really help.

Instead of shouting at her next time reply to her once and then ignore the moaning. Don't get into it. As a pp says, think of her as a younger child - what would you do with a toddler? hopefully not shout and swear! distract them usually works best. Or put on a sing song voice and talk about something nice.

Also I would talk to her about these situations when you've both calmed down - apologise for your behaviour, tell her you really love her so much and explain why you were so stressed and behaved as you did - but be clear that your behaviour was wrong and you are going to try to work on it. Then do something nice with her - make sure it's something she thinks is nice and not something other children her age would normally find nice (as the two might be quite different!).

OP sounds like she might be tired and hungry afetr school - I'd recommend taking snack for her to have in the car. It will give her energy and perhaps distract her from moaning. Also I'd recommend an audio story or music she likes to listen to - something gentle.

In the restaurant I'd get out an ipad, phone or whatever and occupy her with that. I have one with ASD and these things really help.

Instead of shouting at her next time reply to her once and then ignore the moaning. Don't get into it. As a pp says, think of her as a younger child - what would you do with a toddler? hopefully not shout and swear! distract them usually works best. Or put on a sing song voice and talk about something nice.

Also I would talk to her about these situations when you've both calmed down - apologise for your behaviour, tell her you really love her so much and explain why you were so stressed and behaved as you did - but be clear that your behaviour was wrong and you are going to try to work on it. Then do something nice with her - make sure it's something she thinks is nice and not something other children her age would normally find nice (as the two might be quite different!).