Can't handle autistic dd

[lollipoprainbow]

I feel like a terrible, terrible mum. I keep losing my temper with my dd9 who is autistic. We went out for lunch on Sunday with another family member and all my dd did was moan and cry about everything, cue me hissing at her under my breath and telling her off at the table, making her cry etc, I said some awful things to her as I could feel my annoyance rising so much.

Yesterday I collected her from an after school play date with her friend who lives in the next town. As we were driving home she started moaning that the said friend was having another play day today with some girls from school and she wasn't invited. She got more and more angry and started swearing loudly at me and hitting me while I was trying to drive. I tried to stay calm as I was driving but then on cue again I lost my temper and shouted at her again and said awful things making her cry even more. I'm at the end of my tether, how should I have handled these situations? I feel so guilty.

Single mum with DD13 ADHD and ASD

There are two really key bits of advice from PPs on here.

One is treat them younger than they are. My DD13 is probably emotionally about 9 which is why she has struggled so much with her periods and some social stuff as she entered her teenage years. I have adjusted accordingly and it's helped hugely.

The other was dealing with outbursts like they have hurt themselves. This is tricky because often ASD kids don't want to be touched but mine will often calm down from a massive meltdown if I give her a big hug and reassure her. I just verbally assure her if she's not wanting a hug.

But....yes I have lost it with her, because she did something similar when over tired/stimulated. She pulled at my arm and tried to open the door when I was driving. I roared at her. Sometimes you need to, I don't feel bad about it because she put us both and other people in danger. Plus she was punished (denial of something)

Mine needs decompress time after school. iPad or TV. She's exhausted from masking/noise etc so just be mindful that whilst she probably loves the playdates she will be over stimulated, tired etc if these are after school.

Exactly this. I think some posters don’t get there is a difference between meltdowns and naughty behaviour in our kids with ASD.
And also expect you to have the patience of a Saint.

@BattenbergdowntheHatches
I was extremely sympathetic to the OP in my original post.

I don’t have an autistic child but I do work with troubled homeless adults many of which are young independent adults who have all sorts of issues including autism 🤷🏻‍♀️ I guess that is why I commented on the potential long term impact on the OPs daughter.

"This from what I learned working with adults with severe additional needs - for example a common one was if they had never had to learn to behave for their parents and not be aggressive then sooner or later their parents were too old to manage and they ended up barely being able to see them from being young strong adults - so sad."

The words you have used tell me ( as the parent of a teenager with a severe learning disability, that you don't understand people like my son.

I’m sorry if folk have felt I was dictating absolutes - I don’t presume to know every person and their needs - and I recognise there are differences between every individual. This was a generalisation based on my previous work, my family’s current jobs and what happened actually with a close family member - I do stand by there can be a loss of quality of life and relationships if the individual concerned can’t behave appropriately- if there is a way to help teach that from a young age then why wouldn’t you. Unfortunately, most carers will age and the severe needs individual may need support / care from other areas or people and that can be so hard for everyone.
It’s hard and can be so relentless - I don’t mean to upset or offend anyone in this thread - just offer support or share ideas or suggestions and shared experiential knowledge - not imply I know everything- or much even.
Best wishes to everyone in this or similar situations.

I've not had time to read everything but wanted to leave you with this alternative way to parent children who are neuro diverse.

For them lots of things that we ordinarily wouldn't consider traumatic are traumatic to them and can set up frustrations and anxiety.

This method is a gentle affirmation method. Turns traditional parenting on its head though but children who are ND often don't respond well to traditional parenting.

www.facebook.com/TIPscotland/

"I do stand by there can be a loss of quality of life and relationships if the individual concerned can’t behave appropriately- if there is a way to help teach that from a young age then why wouldn’t you."

You are wrong in thinking when you meet an adult with difficult to manage behaviour, that the parents didn't try. They probably tried hard with very little support from outside services.
Also the idea that you teach a child to behave in certain ways when they are little means that there will be no problems when they are older, is incorrect. Some children with developmental disabilities are compliant/easy to manage when they are young and it gets difficult when they become adolescents and become more challenging. Think how hard that age is for young people without disabilities.

Oh I do absolutely know this - but I do know some who find it hard to attempt to discipline at all for all sorts of valid, or at least understandable, reasons when perhaps they could have - I just suggested it’s not wrong to try, if it fits for you and your caree. And absolute agreement on the services front - there was barely anything when mine was young, and they were also closing adult day centres at that time too (where I worked) through lack of funding - and this a good while ago, but somehow they manage to have even less resource now - it’s just dire and very sad and makes it all even more relentless and difficult to navigate for everyone. I hoped that when I share my limited knowledge and experience it is just a tiny contribution towards helping show folk aren’t alone and maybe helping in a small way to support - I’m sorry again if I wrote badly or thoughtlessly and did the opposite of support.

Cut yourself some slack. So you lost your shit and said some hurtful things. Unless you are a parent to an autistic child, you have absolutely no idea what it's like. So please ignore the eejits who are telling you what a terrible parent you are. You recognise that your behaviour wasn't the best but you're only human. Just keep trying. That's all we can do. Big hugs.

Parenting a child with autism is extremely hard. I don't think anyone truly understands unless they have been in that position.

My DS 11 is autistic and I have read the books, joined the support groups, researched positive parenting strategies. However, in the midst of being physically attacked, verbally abused and witnessing the impact it has on my other children, it is so hard not to lose it and shout/scream/cry. Each time I swear it won't happen again as I'm riddled with guilt. However, living like this is relentless and I'm human.

Try to access as much support as possible to help you stay strong for your DD. You are not alone in this journey.