Can't handle autistic dd

[lollipoprainbow]

I feel like a terrible, terrible mum. I keep losing my temper with my dd9 who is autistic. We went out for lunch on Sunday with another family member and all my dd did was moan and cry about everything, cue me hissing at her under my breath and telling her off at the table, making her cry etc, I said some awful things to her as I could feel my annoyance rising so much.

Yesterday I collected her from an after school play date with her friend who lives in the next town. As we were driving home she started moaning that the said friend was having another play day today with some girls from school and she wasn't invited. She got more and more angry and started swearing loudly at me and hitting me while I was trying to drive. I tried to stay calm as I was driving but then on cue again I lost my temper and shouted at her again and said awful things making her cry even more. I'm at the end of my tether, how should I have handled these situations? I feel so guilty.

OP sounds like she might be tired and hungry afetr school - I'd recommend taking snack for her to have in the car. It will give her energy and perhaps distract her from moaning. Also I'd recommend an audio story or music she likes to listen to - something gentle.

In the restaurant I'd get out an ipad, phone or whatever and occupy her with that. I have one with ASD and these things really help.

Instead of shouting at her next time reply to her once and then ignore the moaning. Don't get into it. As a pp says, think of her as a younger child - what would you do with a toddler? hopefully not shout and swear! distract them usually works best. Or put on a sing song voice and talk about something nice.

Also I would talk to her about these situations when you've both calmed down - apologise for your behaviour, tell her you really love her so much and explain why you were so stressed and behaved as you did - but be clear that your behaviour was wrong and you are going to try to work on it. Then do something nice with her - make sure it's something she thinks is nice and not something other children her age would normally find nice (as the two might be quite different!).

I genuinely think some people commenting on this thread just don't and never will 'get it.' I've spent hours and hours up at night worrying about things most people don't ever need to.

It is so friggin hard to deal with and so frustrating at times when we are struggling to meet conflicting family needs but I think it is worth looking at why an autistic child might be being manipulative or violent. There are two major things that cause both of those behaviours significant physical pain from sensory issues and genuine terror associated with the fear of being potentially physically hurt by sensory issues in the unknown unpredictable outside world.

All extremely young kids are arguably highly manipulative to get their needs met - babies cry to generate a primal reaction in their parents to signify unmet needs, because they have absolutely no way of meeting their own needs. For the autistic child some “normal” activities are going to cause such physical discomfort to the child as to cause them actual physical pain. No adult would sit in a situation with intolerable pain and if a child could communicate their pain to an adult then obviously no emotionally healthy adult would knowingly leave a child in pain.

I think it helps to try to get into the inner world of the autistic child by trying to figure out what the behaviour is trying to communicate rather than just judging the behaviour of the young child. The more the child’s needs (needs not wants) can be met the less of the intolerable behaviour that you see. It is never easy but it makes for a far easier environment all around when the child’s needs are met.

Batt we're not allowed to know safe restraint techniques any more. It's our fault if we miss cues that our child is getting overwhelmed .

OP, I get it. I don't think those who aren't in our shoes can. If I was to never do anything that might (note might, not always) result in my child getting overwhelmed (not even to the point of full on meltdown, we can usually avoid those, but of moaning about it, potentially shouting) we would literally never leave the house and all they would do is sit on screens 24/7. I don't think that would be a good quality of life for either of us.

I am all for protecting/improving the mental health of our children BUT often advice to this end comes with the expectation that we will forever be patient and rational and never be ruled by our emotions even for a minute, even when living a life with inadequate sleep and no opportunity to do the things we enjoy.

Also I think it can be hard to distinguish between wants and needs. My child wants to be indoors, on screens, 24/7 and hates doing anything else, but that doesn't mean it isn't beneficial (for both of us) that I push them to do other things, even if that comes at the risk of them not enjoying every moment. Or should I just lower my expectations to never going out as a

Posted too soon

Should I lower my expectations to never going out as a

Did it again!! Bloody new site.

Never going out as a family.

Sorry OP, no advice, but solidarity.

Some proper dickheads on this thread berating you, OP. Ignore them. Even parents of neurotypical children say things in the heat of the moment - it's life and you move on, hopefully dealing with it better next time.

It’s okay OP. Your human. It’s hard. Just keep trying the best you can. 💐

My dd (14) is autistic and basically makes me feel like shit! I try so hard not to shout, but sometimes it happens through sheer frustration on my part. I know it is wrong and she hates, but I will try and explain that sometimes, the things that she will say, upset me. We could have the loveliest day out, but as soon as we get home something will trigger her and she’s in the most foul of moods, shouting at me and hitting her brother. I have also been going through some medical issues and there is a complete lack of emotion from her (not expecting much, but maybe understand why I just need peace for 10 mins).
I don’t really know what my advice would be - to try and understand that your dd can’t help it. My dd used to have a rucksack that she’d take out if we went anywhere with a drawing book and pencils, a fiddle toy and a book (never actually read one though!). Nowadays, it’s more her phone.

All these sanctimonious posters laying into OP.......they must be rare parents if they’ve never lost their temper with a child. I’ll freely admit to it.Now imagine dealing with a ND child every day and trying to manage something of a life for yourself and the rest of the family. Walk a mile in their shoes before criticising and making OP feel worse.

I don't have any experience of this but I really feel for you. It must Be SO hard always keeping your frustrations in check, but you are human and everyone reaches a boiling point. X

I think you need to be kind to yourself. One thing I discovered is I thought I was a calm person until I had children. Suddenly I wasn't. And then my daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and we realised I had it too. So we both have trouble processing and managing our emotions - not a good combo in trying times. I think the best advice I have been given is to pay attention to the signs you or your child is at risk of losing emotional control and do something about that in advance? feel like yelling? Sing. It gives you the same release. Feel frustrated? Dance or jog on the spot. If you try and bottle up an emotion you will be like a volcano just waiting to erupt everywhere. Another technique I find helpful is when my daughter is stressing me I label my emotion out loud and it helps release it. ie "Your yelling is beginning to make me feel stressed and upset." When she realises the impact of her behaviour she is more likely to stop it.

A lot of people here seem to be assuming that a) all autistic children are the same and have the same level of need and b) the only possible way to parent any autistic child is to never to attempt any discipline.

Of course autistic children have certain difficulties, varying in severity from child to child. But autistic children are also perfectly capable of simply misbehaving just like any other child. An autistic child can wake up in a stroppy mood for no real reason just like any other child can. Not everything an autistic child does is because they are autistic. Not every tantrum an autistic child has is 'a meltdown'. Sometimes they are meltdowns because they've become overwhelmed by a situation and sometimes they're just pissed off because they didn't get their own way like any other child might be. I also think a lot of people here seem to be assuming that a high-functioning autistic child is incapable of adapting or learning appropriate coping mechanisms, which is not necessarily the case. Millions of autistic people do manage in a neurotypical world, and millions of autistic people also fully understand that certain behaviours have a negative impact on others. Part of parenting an autistic child is helping them to navigate all of that in ways that work for them (which can be different ways that a neurotypical person would use).

OP, I'm pretty sure that what you're describing is pretty standard for any frazzled parent who snaps at their kids when they're at the end of their tether. With the best will in the world, nobody is calm and softly-spoken all the time. As some PPs have said, employing similar tactics that you would with a much younger child might be useful going forward - distract if you can, be firm and calm and then ignore as much as possible or walk away if it's practical to do that. And definitely have a conversation with your DD afterwards when you're both calmer so you can both articulate what was stressful, apologise to one another if appropriate, and so that you can reassure her that you love her.

@lollipoprainbow have you considered that you might be struggling to regulate your emotions too as you are also neurodivegent?

Your relationship with your daughter sounds very much like mine and my mums when I was a child. She has ADHD (we've only discovered this recently) and due to this she struggled to regulate her emotions and would often feel overwhelmed. I always thought her parenting was dreadful - instead of providing a naturing and supportive environment she left me feeling afraid and my feelings were invalidated. We barley have a relationship now because of this and although I now understand why she struggled I don't think I'll get over the fact that she was never emotionally there for me. As such, I'm glad your reaching out and want to change.

As well as being autistic and having ADHD, I work with a lot of people like me so am very aware that there are a lot of well rounded autistic individuals and mental health issues should be addressed separately. Many autistic individuals also have ADHD. This intensifies the sensory experience, causes emotional deregulation and rejection sensitivity, which would explain many of your daughters struggles.

www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-emotional-dysregulation/

My daughter, who is a toddler, is clearly autistic and has ADHD. This week she kicked my gear stick out whilst we were on a busy road so when it was safe, and whilst I held her hand, we discussed how her behaviour was dangerous and ultimately we could have ended up having to be taken to hospital in an ambulance if it had caused a crash. I know my daughter is hurt by any perceived sense of rejection so if we do have to have a difficult conversation I always try and be calm and show her love at the same time.

Well done to the shitty posters who have stopped the op returning to the thread.

@op I hope you see all the support there is for you amongst the other rubbish.

@lollipoprainbow is there anyone in RL who can offer some respite?

You really do need to prioritize yourself sometimes, esp when you are a single parent.

Parenting an autistic child is tough. I find myself constantly narrating everything and explaining everything to help DS anticipate what will happen, but it's not enough. All the prep for the slightest change in his schedule is exhausting. I have friends who are not only accepting but also helpful who I keep close to me. I have others who can't do more than a cup of tea, who I don't see often.

Please be kind to yourself. You can't be the perfect parent. You won't always get everything right, but thinking about what you can learn from each step and being error friendly is the first hurdle.

OP - please ignore any shitty posters. I for one hugely admire how you have reached out for help. That shows how much you care and love your child so please ignore anyone who is not supportive. We are all human. We all make mistakes. It’s what we do to learn and improve that says who we are as people.

jesus there’s so many cunt replies on here. i hate how easy the words “abuse” and “you’re making her feel unloved” are thrown around. afew incidents will NOT make her feel unwanted permanently fgs.

OP i grew up with an autistic sister and it was bloody hard. they’re demanding, not the best at communicating, and very patience testing. my parents admittedly lost their shit afew times but my sister is flourishing now and certainly doesn’t feel “unloved”

she had speech therapy, and received extra support at school. my parents also got help from a charity that provided lots of items that helps with sensory, relaxation, it really helped. ultimately i think it nailed down to being calm with them, but i know that’s so fucking hard. best wishes OP you’re not alone 🌟

You've no idea how much I appreciate the lovely responses and support (I'm ignoring the shitty responses!!) it means so so much to me.