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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL implied I'm not family

111 replies

Idontspeakmandarin · 25/04/2022 21:46

Long story short I'm taking my DPs grandmother out to the cinema to see a movie we are both dying to see as a treat for her birthday. Mentioned this to MIL and MIL invited herself along, which I didn't mind, although I know she has no interest in seeing this movie.

Partners grandmother texted me and confirmed a date when I was in MILs house today. I told MIL the date and she hmm'd and haa'd about the date and whether or not it suited her. I told her it was fine if she would prefer to not go because I know she wasn't interested in the movie. Her response was "Yea I know, but I just feel like it would be weird if it was just the two of you and not anyone from the family". For context, this is not her mother, this is DPs paternal grandmother. DP and I have been together for 7.5 years, we're engaged to be married next year, and we have a child together. I feel so hurt by her comment and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Any recommendations?

OP posts:
Nsky62 · 25/04/2022 21:48

Very strange

LittleOwl153 · 25/04/2022 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thistimelastweek · 25/04/2022 21:53

This is her insecurity at play.

She's worried you get on better with her MI l than she does.

FirstFallopians · 25/04/2022 21:53

Is DP’s granny your MIL’s MIL?

Honestly I’d say it just reflects weirdly on her - like she needs the reassurance of a close family member there so she’s not left with 2 people she is merely inlaws with.

ICannotRememberAThing · 25/04/2022 21:54

God she’s rude!

What does your DP think about what his mother said?

ImInStealthMode · 25/04/2022 21:56

She's a weirdo.

I go to the cinema with people I'm not related to often, very surprised to hear that's not a legitimate thing to do! HmmWink

Tangfasticsarefantastic · 25/04/2022 21:57

It is odd but some people seem to only consider you to be family when you've got that bit of paper and a wedding ring on your finger.

My FIL's behaviour towards me changed the day after we got married. I'd never noticed anything beforehand but the minute we were married he actually started listening to me! 😂

Gizacluethen · 25/04/2022 21:57

How did you not just reply "well she snot.your family either then" ??

Maydaysoonenough · 25/04/2022 21:58

Take it as bloody marvellous op! Now you can leave the management of all relationships and gift giving to your dp.
Off the hook you pop!!

Indicatrice · 25/04/2022 22:02

Don’t re-arrange the date or venue for her benefit and don’t contact her again about it.

Ignore the twunt and don’t let her dictate to you.

Original poster
Idontspeakmandarin · 25/04/2022 22:05

FirstFallopians · 25/04/2022 21:53

Is DP’s granny your MIL’s MIL?

Honestly I’d say it just reflects weirdly on her - like she needs the reassurance of a close family member there so she’s not left with 2 people she is merely inlaws with.

Yes, this is her MIL. I'm not sure how well they get along but I've never heard anything negative, apart from one time my MIL called her MIL (DPs granny) weird (can't remember why) but I didn't pay too much attention to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontspeakmandarin · 25/04/2022 22:07

ICannotRememberAThing · 25/04/2022 21:54

God she’s rude!

What does your DP think about what his mother said?

He understood why I was hurt and told me not to invite her. She's since texted me and asked what time the movie is at, but I haven't responded and not sure I will.

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontspeakmandarin · 25/04/2022 22:07

ImInStealthMode · 25/04/2022 21:56

She's a weirdo.

I go to the cinema with people I'm not related to often, very surprised to hear that's not a legitimate thing to do! HmmWink

This make me laugh, thank you 😊

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 22:09

Agree that you are off the hook in the future for anything that family might normally do for each other.
Just go ahead and make your plans and don't tell her, then she can't throw a spanner in the works. If she complains afterwards then you can just say she told you that the date didn't work for her!

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/04/2022 22:09

She’s just being a cow because she’s insecure and trying to hurt you to make herself feel better.

don’t let her do that. Do clock that she’s a cow.

IncessantNameChanger · 25/04/2022 22:09

Did she text your dh and say “she’s not blood!” If so are you my sil? 😂

no dear, that’s what people call ‘incest’ and it’s frowned on now.

MRex · 25/04/2022 22:09

It could have more to do with their relationship than your.relationship with her. Did you really not ask her why? What does your DP say?

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 22:10

Although if she's asked you outright then you are going to have to reply.

ICannotRememberAThing · 25/04/2022 22:11

Idontspeakmandarin · 25/04/2022 22:07

He understood why I was hurt and told me not to invite her. She's since texted me and asked what time the movie is at, but I haven't responded and not sure I will.

Show quote history

If you do reply say ‘I’m meeting <DH’s Grandma> at X o’clock. The film starts at X’
and leave it at that.

Moodycow78 · 25/04/2022 22:11

thistimelastweek · 25/04/2022 21:53

This is her insecurity at play.

She's worried you get on better with her MI l than she does.

This in spades, she's worried SHE'S not seen as family and may be jealous. Still, not your problem OP.

Gagagardener · 25/04/2022 22:13

I agree with previous poster: you're not married, so you're not family. Your DP's mother is not your MIL - yet. When she is, you'll be 'family'. If you generally on well with your DG's DG and her DIL, try not to worry about it. I hope you enjoy the film, whoever you go with.

Kite22 · 25/04/2022 22:15

I mean, technically I suppose you aren't, but it is a pretty odd way to view your ds's party of such long standing. My ds's long term partner is very much part of our family, and invited to things even if he isn't available.

However, when did they make the rule you can only go to the pictures with family members ? Confused

Indicatrice · 25/04/2022 22:15

Gagagardener · 25/04/2022 22:13

I agree with previous poster: you're not married, so you're not family. Your DP's mother is not your MIL - yet. When she is, you'll be 'family'. If you generally on well with your DG's DG and her DIL, try not to worry about it. I hope you enjoy the film, whoever you go with.

Does that mean OP and her partner and their child aren’t a family either?

EmptyBites · 25/04/2022 22:17

First of all I think it's lovely that you have such a good relationship with dp's GM to go to a movie together.

Having said that if this is the only problem you have had with mil I wouldn't read too much into it. It sounds like so far you thought she did consider you to be family. It's one short sentence and who knows what she meant with it or why she said it. If it really troubles you maybe just ask her?

It doesn't make much sense what she said. Does she not consider the GM as family either? I don't think she really thought it through.

Maybe she felt jealous or left out and wanted to be part of the outing and so made up some weird shit why she needs to come as well?

Indicatrice · 25/04/2022 22:17

Idontspeakmandarin · 25/04/2022 22:07

He understood why I was hurt and told me not to invite her. She's since texted me and asked what time the movie is at, but I haven't responded and not sure I will.

Show quote history

He needs to message her and say it’s probably she steps back from this outing due to her upsetting comments.

She needs to know she can’t get away with shitty comments.

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