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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL implied I'm not family

111 replies

Idontspeakmandarin · 25/04/2022 21:46

Long story short I'm taking my DPs grandmother out to the cinema to see a movie we are both dying to see as a treat for her birthday. Mentioned this to MIL and MIL invited herself along, which I didn't mind, although I know she has no interest in seeing this movie.

Partners grandmother texted me and confirmed a date when I was in MILs house today. I told MIL the date and she hmm'd and haa'd about the date and whether or not it suited her. I told her it was fine if she would prefer to not go because I know she wasn't interested in the movie. Her response was "Yea I know, but I just feel like it would be weird if it was just the two of you and not anyone from the family". For context, this is not her mother, this is DPs paternal grandmother. DP and I have been together for 7.5 years, we're engaged to be married next year, and we have a child together. I feel so hurt by her comment and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Any recommendations?

OP posts:
TheChurchOfEli · 26/04/2022 10:32

She sounds jealous about being “left out” or insecure about her own relationship with her MIL.

I think sending her to the wrong cinema is actually quite nasty and could damage your relationship. I’d probably reiterate she doesn’t need to come, give her the time but don’t offer w lift or anything like that and hope she loses interest. In future if you plan anything with adapts gran I wouldn’t tell MIL until afterZ

Morred · 26/04/2022 10:42

Tell her you completely understand but you think Gran is old enough to go to the cinema with a friend without needing a chaperone from the family and you promise to get her home safely before curfew.

Morred · 26/04/2022 10:43

Tell her you completely understand but you think Gran is old enough to be trusted to go to the cinema with a friend without needing a family chaperone, and that you promise to get her home safely before curfew.

Morred · 26/04/2022 10:43

Sorry - Mumsnet doing the 'our servers are wobbly' thing and then posted twice.

Sally872 · 26/04/2022 10:44

You are mother of her grandchild which is forever unlike some marriages. She absolutely should consider you family. Even without a child you are close enough for granny to text so definitely family even if not officially. Lastly you don't have to be related to spend time with partners gran.

Really rude comment. I would not reply, or if I felt I had to I would tell her time and place, I would not schedule around her.

orbitalcrisis · 26/04/2022 10:55

Maybe tell her, 'Thank you for the offer to chaperone us, but I think we are both old enough and straight enough to keep ours hand off each other.'

JengaTower · 26/04/2022 10:58

thistimelastweek · 25/04/2022 21:53

This is her insecurity at play.

She's worried you get on better with her MI l than she does.

Absolutely this

TheNoodlesIncident · 26/04/2022 10:58

She's since texted me and asked what time the movie is at, but I haven't responded and not sure I will.

I would absolutely tell her a time that film is starting. It might not be the showing you're going to, though... If she queries it again I'd say that DGM and you are looking forward to the film and you don't need hangers-on as you are both adults.

Her reasoning is both strange and offensive, albeit not in the same range as some of the insults levied at PPs, but her presence is not required for any reason.

Original poster
Idontspeakmandarin · 26/04/2022 11:26

Thanks so much for the responses, everyone! Appreciate you all taking the time.

Dropped DC off this morning at her house, and MIL asked again what time the movie is at and I told her I have really checked yet, as it's not for another few weeks.

Her response to me was that she might not be able to go "but even if it's just the two of [us] it will be fine. I'm not her daughter either".

I replied that it's fine to go to the cinema with people you're not related to, and she agreed, but said that, because it's for her birthday, it should be one of her children.

I responded that her children can take her somewhere else if they like, but this is MY thing for DGMs birthday.

She responded "Well yours and DPs thing" 🙄

My DP isn't taking her, I am.

OP posts:
Geezabreak82 · 26/04/2022 11:27

thistimelastweek · 25/04/2022 21:53

This is her insecurity at play.

She's worried you get on better with her MI l than she does.

I agree with this 100%

Rewis · 26/04/2022 11:40

You going to movies grandma and being/nit being part of family are two separate things. Anyone can go to kvoies with anyone and anyone can spend their birthday with anyone.

For some people in laws are family and some are not. For me they are not exactly family but I'd call them that cause there is no better word. But could be also a language thing. The word for SIL is something nobody uses so everyone just says "brothers wife". Well, me and my partner refers to both of out families as "your parents" etc. So I don't really take it personally. But sounds like your MIL has some insecurity.

Sally872 · 26/04/2022 11:46

Ffs I thought she was trying to explain herself/admit she was wrong then she throws in "dp's thing" just step back a big from her.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/04/2022 11:51

Idontspeakmandarin · 26/04/2022 11:26

Thanks so much for the responses, everyone! Appreciate you all taking the time.

Dropped DC off this morning at her house, and MIL asked again what time the movie is at and I told her I have really checked yet, as it's not for another few weeks.

Her response to me was that she might not be able to go "but even if it's just the two of [us] it will be fine. I'm not her daughter either".

I replied that it's fine to go to the cinema with people you're not related to, and she agreed, but said that, because it's for her birthday, it should be one of her children.

I responded that her children can take her somewhere else if they like, but this is MY thing for DGMs birthday.

She responded "Well yours and DPs thing" 🙄

My DP isn't taking her, I am.

How weird, what on Earth is her problem, since when did the Cinema become such a massive event :/

JemimaTiggywinkle · 26/04/2022 11:54

MIL is probably thinking it makes her look bad because she’s never taken her out.

Definitely a “her” issue, not a “you” issue.

GirlsTalk250 · 26/04/2022 11:57

You’re not yet married so technically are not family. However I agree it is hurtful that she made this distinction when you’re engaged and have a DC with her son.

Rosehugger · 26/04/2022 12:00

Yes, I find her response weird.

Technically you aren't family until you get married, but it's unpleasant to say that to someone who has a child with a family member and who has been in a committed relationship for a long time. Also there are some people who I consider as close as family with no blood or marriage relationship and of course you can be close to and get on with granny without actually being related. What prevents MIL from doing something separate?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 26/04/2022 12:09

Gagagardener · 25/04/2022 22:13

I agree with previous poster: you're not married, so you're not family. Your DP's mother is not your MIL - yet. When she is, you'll be 'family'. If you generally on well with your DG's DG and her DIL, try not to worry about it. I hope you enjoy the film, whoever you go with.

What rot. I am not married to dp. And have no immediate plans to but our families are still families due to the fact we have 2 DC together and I have been part of their lives for the past 14 years. What old fashioned thinking

phoenixrosehere · 26/04/2022 12:19

Idontspeakmandarin · 26/04/2022 11:26

Thanks so much for the responses, everyone! Appreciate you all taking the time.

Dropped DC off this morning at her house, and MIL asked again what time the movie is at and I told her I have really checked yet, as it's not for another few weeks.

Her response to me was that she might not be able to go "but even if it's just the two of [us] it will be fine. I'm not her daughter either".

I replied that it's fine to go to the cinema with people you're not related to, and she agreed, but said that, because it's for her birthday, it should be one of her children.

I responded that her children can take her somewhere else if they like, but this is MY thing for DGMs birthday.

She responded "Well yours and DPs thing" 🙄

My DP isn't taking her, I am.

Ignore MIL and go without her. The only person who really matters here is the birthday woman and as long as she is content with going to the movies with you, it’s fine. Have a good time :-)

littlefireseverywhere · 26/04/2022 12:51

Sounds like your MIL is trying to make herself feel left out! Most odd, enjoy the cinema!

Calphurnia88 · 26/04/2022 13:55

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 26/04/2022 12:09

What rot. I am not married to dp. And have no immediate plans to but our families are still families due to the fact we have 2 DC together and I have been part of their lives for the past 14 years. What old fashioned thinking

Show quote history

Totally agree. Marriage isn't something DP and I have decided on but we have a DC. I wouldn't consider myself any more 'family' if we were to be married, in the same way I don't consider us any less because we're not. Same goes for our extended families i.e. mine and DPs parents, and I know they feel the same.

All of this is moot anyway, since cinema trips aren't confined to relatives only.

MIL is feeling guilty because she's never done anything with DGM herself.

MaudieandMe · 26/04/2022 14:35

Gagagardener · 25/04/2022 22:13

I agree with previous poster: you're not married, so you're not family. Your DP's mother is not your MIL - yet. When she is, you'll be 'family'. If you generally on well with your DG's DG and her DIL, try not to worry about it. I hope you enjoy the film, whoever you go with.

Utterly ridiculous. They have a child together so of course they’re ‘family’.

My DIL isn’t married to my son but she’s definitely one of the family. As soon as they moved in together, she became ‘family’ to me.

jytdtysrht · 26/04/2022 14:39

I would have replied: of course I am family.

alphasox · 26/04/2022 15:28

Shit. I went to the cinema over Easter with my cousin's girlfriend because we wanted to see a girly film and our OH's were going to the football. Is that not ok? Should we have had a chaperone? We are both grown women by the way, she has been living with my cousin for 17 years.😱

mumsys · 26/04/2022 19:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/04/2022 20:21

Surely as the mother of DGM's great grandchild you are family.

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