MIL implied I'm not family

[Idontspeakmandarin]

Long story short I'm taking my DPs grandmother out to the cinema to see a movie we are both dying to see as a treat for her birthday. Mentioned this to MIL and MIL invited herself along, which I didn't mind, although I know she has no interest in seeing this movie.

Partners grandmother texted me and confirmed a date when I was in MILs house today. I told MIL the date and she hmm'd and haa'd about the date and whether or not it suited her. I told her it was fine if she would prefer to not go because I know she wasn't interested in the movie. Her response was "Yea I know, but I just feel like it would be weird if it was just the two of you and not anyone from the family". For context, this is not her mother, this is DPs paternal grandmother. DP and I have been together for 7.5 years, we're engaged to be married next year, and we have a child together. I feel so hurt by her comment and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Any recommendations?

Yeah, she's weird. I'm not sure there was any malice intended though.
My MIL expressed surprised when I turned up at the 80th birthday of my husband's uncle and said "Oh, I wasn't sure if you would come or if you thought it was just family ".
My FIL also had special mugs printed for my dh and children, but not me as he "only had enough for family".

Whatever, I have no time for this bullshit.

It's because you're not married. I have known couples who have been together only 5 years (and married for 1,) and they are taken far more seriously, (than unmarried couples who have been together 10 years or more,) and the 'daughter-in-law' or 'son-in-law' are classed as 'family.'

Couples who have have been together 10 years and they are taken much less seriously, and the partner is not classed as family. If they have a child, the child will be thought of as family, but children of MARRIED couples in the family will be favoured.

Yep even in 2022, people favour married couples over co-habiting ones, and they favour the children of the married couples.

It may well be because the OP is not married, but that doesn't excuse the comment. Also, there are more definitions of family than just the legal one. Sociological definitions, for example, often embrace a wider concept of family.

My guess is that either MIL objects to the fact that they are living together and have a child without benefit of matrimony or she doesn't like the OP.

It's been a decade here and I've been told I'm not really part of the family. It's very convenient when I'm doing DH's life admin, present buying for them or making my child available but otherwise not relevant.

At first I was extremely upset but now I make the right noises a couple of times a year because I have to and the rest of the time just treat them like an acquaintance as they treat me. I have really just had to detach for my own feelings.

In your case, I think your MIL might be jealous or concerned about how your efforts might reflect badly on her more than anything. In any case, sod playing her games and just detach.

Your in laws sound shite. What does your husband think?

My mil wanted me to eat separately after every one else. I found out when dh asked me to get a coat as dinner was being served because we were going out. I'm happy to stick up for myself, I appreciate DH letting his DM this is not ok with him

They sound awful! Have you stopped doing the present buying for them?

What was MIL’s batshit reasoning? Did you ever go back?

Who wants their experience of a lovely Downton Abbey movie ruined by someone who has no interest in it tagging along?

I would file away her (weird, rude!) comment and just enjoy your movie without her. Tell her its fans only attending!

if she isn't family, no obligation for you to put up with her tagging along to the cinema.

What’s that got to do with going to the cinema? And does that mean that OP’s child is family but she is not?

^^^THIS

Well isn’t she a peach. She’s going because she wants to be in control and doesn’t like the two of you going without her. Don’t respond to her text.

but I just feel like it would be weird if it was just the two of you and not anyone from the family

So what family is she even talking about? Her, her DH and her children? I don't think it's a personal slight on you, because she doesn't seem to view her MIL as part of the family either. So I think it's more that she's just weird!

Off piste, but I’m so excited for the new Downton Abbey film!

I'd give her the details of another cinema, showing the same movie and leave her to it!
Then you can say that you got your cinemas and showings mixed up and you're very sorry (not) that she got the details of the wrong one. Ooops!

Go without her. She been rude and is trying to have an input into the arrangement

Tell her the correct film and time but wrong cinema...
Tell her your genes just aren't up to scratch..

Unless the mil is 80 then I don't think she could say this is a generational attitude. I'm nearly 50 and my parents treated my dh as family as soon as we were serious. Having a baby cements that. Marriages can be undone but being the mother of the grandchild links you forever.

Also it's a very strange attitude towards the grandmother - is she not a person in her own right, capable of choosing who she spends time with. She isn't mil's possession!

How strange! I imagine that as you and granny have arranged this together via text, granny has all her faculties and doesn’t have any mobility or other needs...it’s just you and someone you have a shared interest with going to the cinema together. Enjoy your film 🙂

Maybe she felt guilty that you are the one doing a birthday treat for DGGM.

I wouldn’t escalate it but if she says anything like that again I would say ‘haha, I am mother to her great grandchild, just as you are mother to her grandson’.

@Batceanera I thought I had read it all until this. I am gobsmacked. So when non relatives visit them, they eat in the kitchen? I am shocked. You don´t need to answer, it isn´t really a question. I would never bother with her after that ,married or not married.

@Sbqprules I have heard this. My hairdresser always said that your daughters´ children are your real grandchildren, the others are the other granny´s grandchildren. My mother was horrified. But in reality, it does work out that way. The mum usually integrates the kids more into her family and now my mum is of the opinion that if my brother had kids she wouldn´t have a look in. 😀

I think I’d just reply that you two are going to go alone - she’s your child’s great grandmother and you and her both like each other and think of each other as family, even if she doesn’t. Let her think about what she said.

She sounds jealous about being “left out” or insecure about her own relationship with her MIL.

I think sending her to the wrong cinema is actually quite nasty and could damage your relationship. I’d probably reiterate she doesn’t need to come, give her the time but don’t offer w lift or anything like that and hope she loses interest. In future if you plan anything with adapts gran I wouldn’t tell MIL until afterZ