MIL implied I'm not family

[Idontspeakmandarin]

Long story short I'm taking my DPs grandmother out to the cinema to see a movie we are both dying to see as a treat for her birthday. Mentioned this to MIL and MIL invited herself along, which I didn't mind, although I know she has no interest in seeing this movie.

Partners grandmother texted me and confirmed a date when I was in MILs house today. I told MIL the date and she hmm'd and haa'd about the date and whether or not it suited her. I told her it was fine if she would prefer to not go because I know she wasn't interested in the movie. Her response was "Yea I know, but I just feel like it would be weird if it was just the two of you and not anyone from the family". For context, this is not her mother, this is DPs paternal grandmother. DP and I have been together for 7.5 years, we're engaged to be married next year, and we have a child together. I feel so hurt by her comment and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Any recommendations?

You should start referring to her as Grandma.

I too, am also excited for the new Downton film.

Sounds like your mil believes you to be part of the family unit when it benefits her way of thinking. Your family unit is doing something with GM - your DH has nothing to do with it, it is just you. She won't ever get it. If it was mentioned again I'd would say, "nothing to do with OH".

@SVRT19674 no point in trying to find a logical explanation. I think space was short and I was the furthest removed from what she considered a family member? I have known my OH for 20 years, BIL has been around for about 6 years, he is a man folk and must be seated with his pick of food. I was not called to the table with DH and DC. When DH said he was getting me, he was told it would be easier if I ate later. DH said we were all invited and would rather I wasn't left out. We went out for dinner. I would never leave someone out like that. I do not give menfolk special treatment. So odd.

My ILs are like this, they'll often refer to family members as such, then correct themselves, e.g. "Your cousin Kate said... Oops, I shouldn't say cousin because she's only uncle Dave's stepdaughter".
The funny thing is, I'm sure they don't view me as proper family either as DP and I (together over 5 years, 2 kids, house together) aren't married, but... neither are they!

so my partner and i aren't family because we're not married?? you're telling me that my child can't consider us family because we don't share a wedding band and exchanged vows?

weird how you can consider two people who've only known each other a week (and already married) family but not two who've been together for 50+ years.. 🥴🥴

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Told MIL that DGM and I were off to the cinema for the bank holiday (which I had previously forgotten was coming up!). MIL asked if I had paid for her to come along (probably so that she could give me her share) I told her I hadn't paid for her.

I was ready to tell her that I would prefer she didn't come when she said the day didn't suit anyway. So it worked out well in the end and myself and DGM had a wonderful time and I know she enjoyed it a lot! 🥰

Still can't help feeling very resentful of MIL after how she treated me and I want to say something, but I've been warned not to confront her because she cant handle criticism, which is astounding as she loves criticising us all the time 🙄 not sure what to do.

Perfect you've made your point because you hadn't purchased ticket or apologised/backtracked about why buy you haven't had a confrontation. Well done. Glad you had a nice time at cinema.

Who warned you not to confront her? Because you do have a right to speak freely to mil, since she isn't inhibited in speaking freely to you!

I think rather than looking at it as confronting her you could think of it as having a conversation to understand what she meant.

I suspect she was worried about DGMIL’s own children neglecting her birthday while an in law stepped in instead. I can see where that might be a concern. Did anyone else celebrate her birthday with a meal, party or outing?

I'm glad you had a lovely time OP.

Next time you take Grandmother out and it's just the two of you just tell MIL that you and Grandmother are going out together as friends.

You clearly get on and have the same interest in films. Tell MIL you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends.

I'm sure I read that something like 50% of working class couples never get married. So anyone agreeing that unmarried "isn't family" is being pretty classist.

YANBU but you will literally NEVER win with bitchy inlaws. I'm speaking from experience of someone who's inlaws almost destroyed myself and DH and child and still gaslight me and refuse to acknowledge that they couldn't give a shit about us if we ever bring it up. Move on, focus on your immediate family and give them as little of your time and energy as you can get away with. You owe them nothing and they are sadly not going to care for you just because your partner does. Life's too short to waste time on anybody whatever their family status. Let it go x