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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL implied I'm not family

111 replies

Idontspeakmandarin · 25/04/2022 21:46

Long story short I'm taking my DPs grandmother out to the cinema to see a movie we are both dying to see as a treat for her birthday. Mentioned this to MIL and MIL invited herself along, which I didn't mind, although I know she has no interest in seeing this movie.

Partners grandmother texted me and confirmed a date when I was in MILs house today. I told MIL the date and she hmm'd and haa'd about the date and whether or not it suited her. I told her it was fine if she would prefer to not go because I know she wasn't interested in the movie. Her response was "Yea I know, but I just feel like it would be weird if it was just the two of you and not anyone from the family". For context, this is not her mother, this is DPs paternal grandmother. DP and I have been together for 7.5 years, we're engaged to be married next year, and we have a child together. I feel so hurt by her comment and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Any recommendations?

OP posts:
expat101 · 25/04/2022 22:36

I would say something to her about the remark, get it off your chest now rather than dwell on it for years to come.

My reasoning is that DH is adopted and was told many years ago, he wasn't part of his mother's family by an Aunt. He quite liked her up until that point, and from then on refused to visit her. Also didn't go to her funeral.

So for him, he hasn't moved on from that remark and the feeling it's left him with.

Have your say and clear the air, if only for your sake.

lanthanum · 25/04/2022 22:39

"GM doesn't think it's weird, I don't think it's weird, and we're only going to see a film we both want to see. Why should it matter to anyone else?"

perimenofertility · 25/04/2022 22:41

Was that her exact wording? Is this just a case of awkward wording, perhaps her meaning was that it would be weird for grandma to celebrate her birthday with only two of you and not anyone else from the family? As in, she thinks grandma's birthday should be a bigger group thing.
(You're going to see Downton Abbey?)

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 25/04/2022 22:43

Is your partners’ grandmother in any way frail, low eyesight, poor hearing etc? I know my MIL often comes along when my husband and I take his grandmother out, but that’s because she has a few extra needs and MIL doesn’t want us to bite off more than we can chew. Also, husband’s gran is apparently ‘hard work’, though I’ve never witnessed it personally - thinks she’s on best behaviour when we’re around!

stiritwithaknife · 25/04/2022 22:45

Gagagardener · 25/04/2022 22:13

I agree with previous poster: you're not married, so you're not family. Your DP's mother is not your MIL - yet. When she is, you'll be 'family'. If you generally on well with your DG's DG and her DIL, try not to worry about it. I hope you enjoy the film, whoever you go with.

Being the mother of her grandchild makes OP family. OP is not a mere incubator in which they farm their descendants.

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 25/04/2022 22:46

Is your partners’ grandmother in any way frail, low eyesight, poor hearing etc? I know my MIL often comes along when my husband and I take his grandmother out, but that’s because she has a few extra needs and MIL doesn’t want us to bite off more than we can chew. Also, husband’s gran is apparently ‘hard work’, though I’ve never witnessed it personally - thinks she’s on best behaviour when we’re around!

WibblyWobblyJane · 25/04/2022 22:47

How do you feel about texting back:

"Hi MIL, I think we should not drag you along to a movie you won't enjoy. We will plan something else all together soon!"

Or call her and say similar. If she makes the comment again about "family" you can address it at least:
"I don't think they do a blood test at the door." and just laugh
"I am not sure what you mean?"
"Is DGMIL uncomfortable going with me?"

Incapacitated · 25/04/2022 22:48

Jealousy had a lot to answer for.

billy1966 · 25/04/2022 22:48

She sounds like a weapon, you have been warned.

Unnecessarily rude.

stayathomer · 25/04/2022 22:52

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe here she isn't your family! She made you will be going out with someone else's grandmother does she not? We're married for for over 15 years now and I love my in-laws but while they're family, it's not the same as going out with eg your own granny!!!!

stayathomer · 25/04/2022 22:53

Meant not made, sorry!!!

whynotwhatknot · 25/04/2022 22:58

well shes not her mil family eitherthen is she

weird woman

Original poster
Idontspeakmandarin · 25/04/2022 22:58

perimenofertility · 25/04/2022 22:41

Was that her exact wording? Is this just a case of awkward wording, perhaps her meaning was that it would be weird for grandma to celebrate her birthday with only two of you and not anyone else from the family? As in, she thinks grandma's birthday should be a bigger group thing.
(You're going to see Downton Abbey?)

@perimenofertility

I said "You don't have to come if you'd prefer not to because I know it's not your thing"

She replied "I just think it might be [strange or weird] if it were just the two of you and not someone from the family"

And yes, Downton Abbey 😁

OP posts:
VeneziaGiulia45 · 25/04/2022 22:59

That was an insensitive thing she said, but it's true that until you're married, you're not technically "family". Markers like how long you've been together, whether you're cohabiting, whether you have kids together, these are all very relative indicators of the nature of a relationship. Even if internally you and your partner understand that you're committed to each other because of these indicators, it may not be obvious to others. I've had friends who I thought were in a committed relationship because they were cohabiting, but turns out it wasn't like that at all. Marriage is an official benchmark and the key thing about it is that it is public. It is an absolutely binary indicator to those outside the relationship that you are a distinct family unit. In your MIL's generation this was probably universally understood.

Original poster
Idontspeakmandarin · 25/04/2022 23:00

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 25/04/2022 22:43

Is your partners’ grandmother in any way frail, low eyesight, poor hearing etc? I know my MIL often comes along when my husband and I take his grandmother out, but that’s because she has a few extra needs and MIL doesn’t want us to bite off more than we can chew. Also, husband’s gran is apparently ‘hard work’, though I’ve never witnessed it personally - thinks she’s on best behaviour when we’re around!

No nothing like that, she's perfectly able ☺

Yea, I understand! It makes sense in your DPs DGMs situation ❤

OP posts:
VeneziaGiulia45 · 25/04/2022 23:08

(I guess that's what the "in law" part of Mother in Law refers to)

perimenofertility · 25/04/2022 23:25

I can’t wait to see that film, I’m so excited about it! 😁 Have fun with the grandma. Ignore the MIL, but randomly remind her she’s not family whenever she asks something of you.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/04/2022 23:27

Ridiculous, if you have a child together even though you are not married yet you are family.

Zonder · 25/04/2022 23:29

Maybe she doesn't have many friends and just wants a social outing.

Batceanera · 25/04/2022 23:40

What would make you family? Marriage? It's 2022 FFS. You are in a long term relationship and have a child.

This is her problem. Enjoy your film (without her).

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 25/04/2022 23:41

Doesn't matter I'd they are family or not, its not the law that you can only go to the cinema with a relative 😏

I'd go without her . Tell her its friends only 🤣

LightDrizzle · 25/04/2022 23:51

I'd go without her . Tell her its friends only 🤣

😂😂😂

Pickabearanybear · 26/04/2022 00:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

MrsAvocet · 26/04/2022 00:12

It's very weird to think that you can't go to the cinema with someone you aren't related to, but I don't think there is anything wrong with not viewing you as family.
I've been with my DH for over 30 years, married for most of them and we have 3 children. I have never considered myself related to his family and I don't expect them to see me as part of their family.

Trivester · 26/04/2022 00:15

Would you not just talk to her about it?

“hey mil, I’m a bit hurt that even after 7 years and an engagement you don’t consider me family”

don’t get drawn into passive aggressive bat shittery with passive aggressive batshit relatives, or before you know it you’ll be as crazy as she is.

just have a normal conversation.