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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not cut contact with my little nephew?

148 replies

Hamnetsdad · 25/04/2022 17:01

Changed name for this as it’s identifying and don’t want it linked to my other threads.
My Db had a one night stand that resulted in a child. He didn’t know about his DS until he was 1 - but a DNA test proved he was the dad.
He saw his DS sporadically and introduced him to my mum and me and we kept in touch with nephew and his mum. Nephew is now 3 and clearly has additional needs (we suspect ASD) and db has said he just can’t bond with him. He now has a new girlfriend who is pregnant and he has asked me and my mum to cut off nephew and his mum and never see them again so that he can ‘move on’ with his life.
AIBU to not do this? I think it’s despicable to cut contact with your own child. Nephew’s mum is lovely and struggling on her own with no financial support from db. Db is worried that nephew will be able to contact him in the future because we are keeping in touch and I think he’d prefer to pretend nephew didn’t exist and move on with his new family.

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 26/04/2022 16:18

I wouldn’t worry too much about losing contact with the 3rd child. Just bide your time till the girlfriend sees him for the twat he is, then you can move in and create the relationship.

I’d imagine he’ll probably reduce contact with the first child as wel anyway.

Why did they split btw?

caringcarer · 26/04/2022 16:19

Well done OP, you and your Mum are doing the right thing. Don't let nasty brother bully you. Get mother of SN child to file for child maintenance. Nephew should not be losing out.

Dillydollydingdong · 26/04/2022 16:23

What happens if the new baby has special needs as well? Will that baby get dumped?

felulageller · 26/04/2022 16:29

3 DC's by 3 women in 6years! What a .

I hope they all get as much CMS as possible from him and all cut this loser from their lives.

AHungryCaterpillar · 26/04/2022 16:35

Doubt any of the mums will be getting much maintenance when it’s split between 3 of the them, Unless he is an extremely high earner that is...

Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 17:52

The first mum left him after 6 years when their baby was born (he’s now 7). He has 50/50 so no maintenance.
The third mum he’s with and marrying so no maintenance at present!
He says now that he is paying child support but I don’t know how much or if that’s true. It’s still not an excuse for abandoning a child.

OP posts:

idontknowdoi · 26/04/2022 17:55

Has his first son had much contact with your middle nephew, if he has him 50/50?

bellac11 · 26/04/2022 17:59

I havent read the full thread and others may have mentioned this but each of his children are entitled to a relationship with their siblings. How is that going to be arranged?

AHungryCaterpillar · 26/04/2022 18:07

bellac11 · 26/04/2022 17:59

I havent read the full thread and others may have mentioned this but each of his children are entitled to a relationship with their siblings. How is that going to be arranged?

In an ideal world yes but no he can’t be forced to make the other child have contact with his new child if he doesn’t want them to.

Rheia1983 · 26/04/2022 18:17

Your brother is a peerless asshole. It's good that you and your mum are not giving in to his tantrums.

bellac11 · 26/04/2022 18:23

AHungryCaterpillar · 26/04/2022 18:07

In an ideal world yes but no he can’t be forced to make the other child have contact with his new child if he doesn’t want them to.

Show quote history

A court could though

and there is the first son too.

AHungryCaterpillar · 26/04/2022 18:33

bellac11 · 26/04/2022 18:23

A court could though

and there is the first son too.

Show quote history

No a court can not and will not force this. That is just not true.

bellac11 · 26/04/2022 18:42

AHungryCaterpillar · 26/04/2022 18:33

No a court can not and will not force this. That is just not true.

Show quote history

A court can order contact between a child and its parents or a child and its siblings and the parent should make that sibling available. It happens all the time in the family courts.
You're correct to say that (if you are saying) a court cant 'enforce' that, as in what is the consequence if a parent doesnt comply with the order, Ive not seen parents experience any consequences but courts can make contact orders like that if they wish.

NewandNotImproved · 26/04/2022 18:58

Why so much focus on your (thick as fuck) sperminator brother? Who cares about his words and thoughts? Your relationship with your nephews is none of his business. He can focus on literacy, and not being an utter embarrassment. Three kids with three women-cringe.

ddl1 · 26/04/2022 19:01

YANBU! It's your brother who is U, and a very bad father.

sonjadog · 26/04/2022 19:02

I won't worry about not having a relationship with the third child. What is clear from his messages is that the only person he thinks about is himself and his rage is because he can't believe that you would dare to think about anyone but him. Someone like that is not going to have a successful relationship long term. The third relationship will end soon enough.

Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 19:44

My mum is furious and is not answering db’s repeated calls now. He introduced her to nephew and now wants her to cut contact! His first son has met his brother too!

OP posts:

MzHz · 26/04/2022 19:57

I’d be supporting her to get the CMA forced on him, I’d carry on seeing the nephew and telling scummy brother and his scummy gf to jog the fuck on and fuck off with their telling people what to do.

Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 28/04/2022 19:20

He’s told my mum he’s cutting us all off, we can’t come to the wedding or see his other kids if we don’t do as he asks.
Hes also messaged nephew’s mum asking her to block us, because it’s weird and he thinks it will confuse dn. She refused. I feel so angry.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 28/04/2022 19:36

I am worried he’s going to upset poor nephew’s mum by constantly messaging her. He seems unable to accept that we can make our own choices and he can’t simultaneously have nothing to do with his son and dictate who he sees.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 28/04/2022 20:01

Has he always been this much of a dick or is this behaviour taking you by surprise? I can't imagine my brother behaving like this without me wondering what the fuck had happened to him.

I would imagine he will simmer down when the tantrum over him not getting his way has passed. Good that both you and your nephew's mum are keeping up a united front.

Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 28/04/2022 20:04

He hasn’t! He’s not the brightest, but he’s never been that bad!

It is since his new fiancée got pregnant that this ramped up.

Worse still, my DM sent me screenshots from nephew’s mum where she says she was going to move to Spain and he persuaded her not to go as he wanted to know his ds. She decided not to go as ds deserved to know his dad. Now this!

OP posts:

Bitconfusedhmm · 30/04/2022 23:39

Well done for being decent @Hamnetsdad

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