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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not cut contact with my little nephew?

148 replies

Hamnetsdad · 25/04/2022 17:01

Changed name for this as it’s identifying and don’t want it linked to my other threads.
My Db had a one night stand that resulted in a child. He didn’t know about his DS until he was 1 - but a DNA test proved he was the dad.
He saw his DS sporadically and introduced him to my mum and me and we kept in touch with nephew and his mum. Nephew is now 3 and clearly has additional needs (we suspect ASD) and db has said he just can’t bond with him. He now has a new girlfriend who is pregnant and he has asked me and my mum to cut off nephew and his mum and never see them again so that he can ‘move on’ with his life.
AIBU to not do this? I think it’s despicable to cut contact with your own child. Nephew’s mum is lovely and struggling on her own with no financial support from db. Db is worried that nephew will be able to contact him in the future because we are keeping in touch and I think he’d prefer to pretend nephew didn’t exist and move on with his new family.

OP posts:
MooPointCowsOpinion · 25/04/2022 17:25

I think he’s acting terribly and I hope you and your mum give your nephew and his mum support for the rest of their lives. I also hope she takes him
to court to make sure he pays for his child.

Seasidemumma77 · 25/04/2022 17:25

My dc adore their paternal Aunt and Uncle. My dc are now teenagers and young adults, and appreciate the love and attention their Aunt and uncle have given despite my exh having decided to no longer wanting to be a parent years ago. Please stay in your nephews life, he needs you more than ever if his df is abandoning him.

Soubriquet · 25/04/2022 17:26

He sounds worse with every post

I bet it’s cos the little boy has ASD and your brother doesn’t want to have to look after him. Especially if he has it that severely.

Despicable man. I don’t get how these men are so attractive to women. Another woman. Another baby. Rinse and repeat

His new girlfriend will end up in the same situation. Left with the baby whilst he swans off to have another one

MeridianB · 25/04/2022 17:27

Sorry to say your brother is an utter scumbag. You and your DM should ignore him and do what’s right.

And please encourage the ex to file for child support asap. Nothing she does is going to make him a decent person. The least he can do is pay his share. 💐

MeridianB · 25/04/2022 17:28

Sorry to say your brother is an utter scumbag. You and your DM should ignore him and do what’s right.

And please encourage the ex to file for child support asap. Nothing she does is going to make him a decent person. The least he can do is pay his share. 💐

rahjama · 25/04/2022 17:29

He can't pick and choose which son he loves more that's horrible. I think you may be on the right lines by saying new girlfriend is encouraging the NC so money and effort goes into their new baby.

Wonder if she'll feel differently if he moves on to have a baby with a 4th woman.

MeridianB · 25/04/2022 17:29

Sorry to say your brother is an utter scumbag. You and your DM should ignore him and do what’s right.

And please encourage the ex to file for child support asap. Nothing she does is going to make him a decent person. The least he can do is pay his share. 💐

RightOnTheEdge · 25/04/2022 17:30

YANBU! Your brother is despicable 😠

MeridianB · 25/04/2022 17:30

So sorry about the multiple posts! The page kept crashing.

Bosabosa · 25/04/2022 17:31

You and your mum sound wonderful and that little boy will have a better life knowing he is loved from all sides of his genetic pool. It's so important.

WhiskeyAndGinger · 25/04/2022 17:31

What a vile pig your brother is. So he is father to 3 children now by 3 women? He sees the first, rejects the second and it's yet to be seen how he gets on with the third. Let's hope it measures up to his standards.

It's great that you and your mother are maintaining contact. His ex needs to claim via CMS, please encourage her to do this. How are men allowed to get away with this?!

WhiskeyAndGinger · 25/04/2022 17:32

What a vile pig your brother is. So he is father to 3 children now by 3 women? He sees the first, rejects the second and it's yet to be seen how he gets on with the third. Let's hope it measures up to his standards.

It's great that you and your mother are maintaining contact. His ex needs to claim via CMS, please encourage her to do this. How are men allowed to get away with this?!

Duchess379 · 25/04/2022 17:37

You're clearly a good person. Don't stop contact with that little boy & his mum. It sounds like you & DM are all he has 💕

BobHadBitchTits · 25/04/2022 17:40

Your brother is a dick.

Chickychoccyegg · 25/04/2022 17:41

I guess this comes from him not really knowing dn (his ds) mum and not knowing about dn (his ds) for the first year of his life, I do understand that must have been a shock for him, and it might be hard to bond, but the little boy is here and is his responsibility, he should focus on building a bond and a relationship, not trying to get out of his responsibilities.
He is out of order asking you and your dm to cut all contact , that is incredibly heartless of him, and he has no right to do that.

Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 25/04/2022 17:42

Thank you. I did know I wasn’t being unreasonable but when db asked me to cut nephew’s mum off Facebook and cut all contact, I replied saying that I wouldn’t do that and got a long reply suggesting I was ruining his life!
Dm gives nephew’s mum a bit of money when we see her and we take her and nephew out for lunch, make sure he’s got birthday and Christmas gifts from our side etc.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 25/04/2022 17:44

I'm guessing he hadn't told pregnant new GF that he's already a father , or that his first child has some problems ( so she will worry about the next one).

He needs you and DM to cut out the child so GF never finds out.

What a rat. For starters, I'd make sure new GF knows exactly what he's doing to DC1. This may affect her own life decisions so she deserves to know.

Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 25/04/2022 17:46

I do appreciate that it must’ve been a shock as he didn’t know about DS. He was in denial that dn was his son at first (even though he looks very like db) but the DNA test proves that conclusively. But he has a duty now and also his other dc have a right to know their brother!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 25/04/2022 17:46

No gf knows about nephew (actually his second child - he has 50/50 contact with his first!)

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets1 · 25/04/2022 17:47

Yanbu. And encourage the mum to claim child support. If he won't see the child he can at least contribute.
You and your mum sound great - your brother us awful.
I'd also find it really hard not to ask brother if he is planning on dumping the current girlfriend and child if that baby has ASD too!!

mycatisannoying · 25/04/2022 17:47

I've an idea. Remain in contact with your nephew, and ditch your prick of a brother.

TweetTweetMF · 25/04/2022 17:47

I'd be helping her claim for CMS.

That's disgusting. You're completely in the right.

TweetTweetMF · 25/04/2022 17:48

Also if you have one child with autism the likelihood of another is a lot higher. What happens if the new baby also have autism? Will he run off again too?

Countdownis35 · 25/04/2022 17:54

@TweetTweetMF I agree.

so this is his 3rd child OP? Shock is no excuse and OP has stated the gene is on her brothers side of the family.

Its terrible I was just about to type its your DB who needs cutting off. He's obviously capable if he does 50/50 with one of the kids. I wouldn't discuss anything with him in future OP!

Thereisnolight · 25/04/2022 17:57

Hmmm. The mum got pregnant after a one night stand (did Db think there was contraception being used?), chose to keep the child without telling your db, popped up after a year with what must, to your db, have been an enormous shock…pretty dysfunctional, no? I don’t blame your db for hating the thought of having this woman permanently in his life.
but it’s not the little boy’s fault, and by the sound of things he’s going to need all the support he can get from you and his grandmother.

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