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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not cut contact with my little nephew?

148 replies

Hamnetsdad · 25/04/2022 17:01

Changed name for this as it’s identifying and don’t want it linked to my other threads.
My Db had a one night stand that resulted in a child. He didn’t know about his DS until he was 1 - but a DNA test proved he was the dad.
He saw his DS sporadically and introduced him to my mum and me and we kept in touch with nephew and his mum. Nephew is now 3 and clearly has additional needs (we suspect ASD) and db has said he just can’t bond with him. He now has a new girlfriend who is pregnant and he has asked me and my mum to cut off nephew and his mum and never see them again so that he can ‘move on’ with his life.
AIBU to not do this? I think it’s despicable to cut contact with your own child. Nephew’s mum is lovely and struggling on her own with no financial support from db. Db is worried that nephew will be able to contact him in the future because we are keeping in touch and I think he’d prefer to pretend nephew didn’t exist and move on with his new family.

OP posts:
Adhdnewmedsnewproblems · 25/04/2022 17:59

Wow. Ditch the brother and keep the nephew I say! And least the little one has a chance at being a good person - unlike his dad.

hidethetoaster · 25/04/2022 18:01

I have been estranged from my dad since I was a baby. His sister - DAunt - has always remained in contact. Not in any intrusive or over bearing way. Just there. And when I needed it she has always been the end of a letter, email, call and some visits.
This has been a key support to me. Kept my sense of self and sanity intact sometimes.
Your DNephew has a rough ride ahead. Please be there for him as much as you can be. He will need to know both sides of his equation.

Your bro can do one. What an awful thing he is doing.

Minkmonk · 25/04/2022 18:03

As the parent of a child whose father and fathers family has chosen not to have any contact, I can not urge you strongly enough to keep contact with your nephew. This thread brought a tear to my eye and I wish there was someone on my childs fathers side who was bothered enough like you are. Please stay in his life, help mum out by giving her a break from time to time and just representing the paternal side of your nephews family. You and your mom sound wonderful, brother is a piece of shit (sorry) but don't allow it to taint you. Your nephew is your blood relative and you have every right to continue a relationship with him.

EverNapping · 25/04/2022 18:03

You and your mum keeping in touch will mean the world to him and his mum.

BlueOverYellow · 25/04/2022 18:05

Your brother is a vile, despicable man, OP.

Please encourage his ex to file for CMS.
Please encourage your mother to cut your brother out of her will, say why, and leave his shares to his children equally, including your poor nephew.

Thighdentitycrisis · 25/04/2022 18:09

What a shit

jytdtysrht · 25/04/2022 18:11

If he doesn’t like seeing you be Facebook friends with his ex, then tell him to delete Facebook before moving on with his fantasy life. Wonder how long til he’s bored with his third go at a family. Who does he think pays for his behaviour? What a shit. I’d consider cutting contact with him.

Geranium1984 · 25/04/2022 18:11

What!? This is awful. I really think you should stay in contact with the mum and your nephew. They must be really struggling. He needs to be paying child support.
What's your brother going to do if his latest child has some kind of learning disability? Run off again.

Teacupsandtoast · 25/04/2022 18:14

Your brother is a f*cking pig.

Not helpful, but I had to say it. What an awful awful awful man

southlondoner02 · 25/04/2022 18:14

It's really important for you to keep contact, not just for the current support but so your nephew has an opportunity to know the family history. If safe it's helpful for all kids to get this opportunity, one of the reasons life story work is carried out with adopted children.

I'd also keep urging her to contact CMS

MichelleScarn · 25/04/2022 18:16

Hes a dick and new gf is a dick for going along with this abandonment. Glad you and your DM have decided to ignore his shite!!

Mouldyfeet · 25/04/2022 18:17

My DS’s family did this. Just cut him out. 4 aunt and uncles and grandparents all stopped seeing him.

Please don’t do it, it absolutely hurt my poor child.

Cait33 · 25/04/2022 18:18

I've been the ex in a similar situation (not a one night stand but a uni relationship that was over by the time we found out I was PG with my DD) and my ex cut her out of his life. His sister happily followed suit (though she turned out to have some fairly serious MH issues of her own and later cut her DPs out of her own DCs life). His parents maintained contact with DD though. She's 23 now and has no interest in "the sperm donor who got mum pregnant". YANBU.

TabithaTittlemouse · 25/04/2022 18:18

You are a much nicer person than your brother.

We are no contact with some people in our family after they made similar requests. We cut the adult rather than the child.

daisyjgrey · 25/04/2022 18:21

He needs neutering, like a nuisance tomcat.

Imissmoominmama · 25/04/2022 18:25

I’d ask the new girlfriend how she thinks she’ll cope if her baby has additional needs and he decides it’s not for him.

Countdownis35 · 25/04/2022 18:27

daisyjgrey · 25/04/2022 18:21

He needs neutering, like a nuisance tomcat.

🤣🤣🤣

Ohquietone · 25/04/2022 18:27

Who does he think he is to dictate who you can and can’t talk to? I’d hide your friends list from view from him and personally ignore him. If he wants to be a useless and crappy dad that’s on him but he doesn’t get to tell you to have no contact. Does the mum claim DLA for her son? Does he have an ehcp? She could look to ask for a carers assessment and get direct payments so she could possibly get some respite.

Hallyup89 · 25/04/2022 18:29

So you've made a friend who just so happens to be the mum of your brother's child? Your involvement in her and her child's life has nothing to do with your brother. He doesn't get to dictate your friendships.

Please stay in that child's life for as long as you can. Encourage his mum to claim maintenance. Make both their lives better.

I have no words for your brother. I'm utterly gobsmacked.

viques · 25/04/2022 18:37

So in 6 years he has impregnated three women ! Can you post a picture of him so we can warn our daughters, nieces, grand daughters, god daughters and any other random fertile women we know? He really is a scummy little shit OP, so sorry you share DNA with him because you and your mum sound like caring loving people.

WDTABNONONO · 25/04/2022 18:37

Nope - I'd cut contact with my brother if he did this.

He can't move on he's a living, breathing child.

I hope the new girlfriend knows what a peach her partner is.

starfishmummy · 25/04/2022 18:37

Hamnetsdad · 25/04/2022 17:18

He does have another son to his ex of 6 years. He loves that son and has 50/50 contact with him!

It gets worse by the minute

Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 25/04/2022 18:48

@Ohquietone she doesn’t claim DLA or have an EHCP yet - though the professionals are involved and I think it is clear he’ll get a diagnosis. I’ve advised her to do that, as I’m going through the EHCP process myself for dd. I think she’s so exhausted by caring for dn at the moment she hasn’t begun that process yet.

OP posts:
Ballcactus · 25/04/2022 18:52

Abandon the brother instead what an arsehole

MRex · 25/04/2022 19:10

I'd want to ensure that one of the family keeps in touch with DN and one with the DB to keep up contact with the older child, new girlfriend pregnancy and whatever poor sod gets him after he's done with the current girlfriend. It isn't the fault of all these children that the father is selfish, but there is a risk of him cutting you out of the other childrens' lives if he doesn't have someone take "his side".

Sorry he's put you in this position OP, DN is your family regardless of DB's wishes and it's great that you're working out how to keep supporting DN's mother.