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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not cut contact with my little nephew?

148 replies

Hamnetsdad · 25/04/2022 17:01

Changed name for this as it’s identifying and don’t want it linked to my other threads.
My Db had a one night stand that resulted in a child. He didn’t know about his DS until he was 1 - but a DNA test proved he was the dad.
He saw his DS sporadically and introduced him to my mum and me and we kept in touch with nephew and his mum. Nephew is now 3 and clearly has additional needs (we suspect ASD) and db has said he just can’t bond with him. He now has a new girlfriend who is pregnant and he has asked me and my mum to cut off nephew and his mum and never see them again so that he can ‘move on’ with his life.
AIBU to not do this? I think it’s despicable to cut contact with your own child. Nephew’s mum is lovely and struggling on her own with no financial support from db. Db is worried that nephew will be able to contact him in the future because we are keeping in touch and I think he’d prefer to pretend nephew didn’t exist and move on with his new family.

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 25/04/2022 22:19

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. You should do exactly as you feel OP and keep in touch with your DN and his Mum. Your Brother sounds like no great loss to any of you.

My Dad is a twat of equal standing to your Brother, and I'm so glad to have my Uncle and my cousin on that side still in my life, as they refused to walk away like he did. I also have them to thank that I've been able to forge a good relationship with my half-brother as adults.

ImInStealthMode · 25/04/2022 22:20

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. You should do exactly as you feel OP and keep in touch with your DN and his Mum. Your Brother sounds like no great loss to any of you.

My Dad is a twat of equal standing to your Brother, and I'm so glad to have my Uncle and my cousin on that side still in my life, as they refused to walk away like he did. I also have them to thank that I've been able to forge a good relationship with my half-brother as adults.

Katya213 · 25/04/2022 22:33

What kind of a man would do or ask such a thing. Terrible being.

Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 14:08

He’s said I’m out of order and he can’t have a relationship with me anymore if I stay in touch with them. He says she told someone else he was the dad (I think this was true initially- she thought he was her ex boyfriend’s before the DNA) and now he’s depressed and can’t move on…

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 14:09

He said he feels like he’s forced to be in his life through me and my dd. He said it’s weird…

OP posts:
BertyFlanter · 26/04/2022 14:22

I had an almost identical situation with my brother. I refused to abandon my nephew (3 at the time) and my relationship with my brother never fully recovered. No major loss, our moral compasses don't align anyway.
My nephew is now almost 30yo and one of the most amazing and important people in my life. I wouldnt be without him for the world.

His mum did an amazing job raising him alone with no help at all from my brother. Luckily she had a supportive family and was happy for the rest of his dads side to stay in his life and offer support too.

Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 14:23

He’s got me questioning myself now because he’s so angry.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 26/04/2022 14:24

Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 14:08

He’s said I’m out of order and he can’t have a relationship with me anymore if I stay in touch with them. He says she told someone else he was the dad (I think this was true initially- she thought he was her ex boyfriend’s before the DNA) and now he’s depressed and can’t move on…

What does that have to do with your nephew though?

Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 14:27

He feels he’s been tricked into a baby he didn’t want.

I agree though, nephew is here now.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 26/04/2022 14:30

Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 14:27

He feels he’s been tricked into a baby he didn’t want.

I agree though, nephew is here now.

"tricked" I presuming he was a willing participant in the conception? His attitude towards not only this child but women actually is disgusting.

Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 14:32

I’ve just said that it’s his choice, but it’s my choice to see nephew. He’s clearly raging with me and I suspect won’t allow me to see his new baby now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 14:50

Just some of the messages I’ve had. His grammar is dreadful so ignore that.

To not cut contact with my little nephew?
To not cut contact with my little nephew?
OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 26/04/2022 14:57

Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 14:50

Just some of the messages I’ve had. His grammar is dreadful so ignore that.

Oh boo fucking hoo, you're making it harder for him to abandon his child

Soubriquet · 26/04/2022 15:35

What Arya said

boo fucking hoo

May be his child and his choice not to be involved but like you said, it’s your nephew, your life and your choice.

purpleboy · 26/04/2022 15:40

What a prize prick.
I'm so glad your not going to capitulate to his demands.
I will never understand man who wants to abandon his own child, and on top tries to force his own family to also abandon them. It's so sad.

LegMeChicken · 26/04/2022 15:57

YANBU… however…
If your brother cuts you off, you’ll lose contact with the 1st and 3rd children.
Presumably you’re okay with that?

Also you’re all going to pretend that your brother doesn’t exist?

He is a prize dick, yes but the dynamics are quite strange.

LegMeChicken · 26/04/2022 15:58

Also he was ok with this boy for 2 years until his disability emerged???
what a prized prick lol

Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 16:00

No he wasn’t ever really ok with him and only even saw him infrequently. He got worse when he got serious with his girlfriend and they announced they were getting married and having a baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 16:02

@LegMeChicken I’m not sure what you mean about pretending he doesn’t exist?
I won’t lose contact with his first child because at the very least, his ex will allow me to see him. I can’t control what he chooses to do and whether he cuts me off and stops me seeing his third child. But I can’t capitulate to that and if anything, his second child needs us the most.

OP posts:
HiKelsey · 26/04/2022 16:03

I think your amazing OP, what a supporting auntie/uncle. I think you should support getting child maintenance for your brothers ex as I did the same. Never took any money from ExH but ended up in debt. Then ExH decided he wanted nothing to do with DD and now his parents hardly have anything to do with her. I wish my DD had a auntie/uncle like you that ignored her dad and just wanted to support her.

Original poster
Hamnetsdad · 26/04/2022 16:03

I agree the dynamics are strange and dysfunctional but none of that is my fault and none of that is my nephew’s fault - so I’m doing what I can in a bad situation I didn’t cause.

OP posts:
idontknowdoi · 26/04/2022 16:04

LegMeChicken · 26/04/2022 15:57

YANBU… however…
If your brother cuts you off, you’ll lose contact with the 1st and 3rd children.
Presumably you’re okay with that?

Also you’re all going to pretend that your brother doesn’t exist?

He is a prize dick, yes but the dynamics are quite strange.

Hopefully the mum of the first child will still facilitate a relationship between her DC and OP?

They may not get any contact with the new baby, but at least the new baby won't have that relationship and then lose it. Middle nephew will.

It's a lose lose situation for OP, but I know what I'd do.

TurquoiseSwirl · 26/04/2022 16:05

Your DB is an arsehole and you sound lovely. Tell the mum to claim child support and maybe help her start the way with DLA forms

caringcarer · 26/04/2022 16:06

I can't believe what I am reading. He has 2 children by different mother's already. Has 50/50 contact with one with SN but ignores the other and refused to pay maintenance. Now he is having another with new gf. How bloody irresponsible. Keep in contact with little one with SN. Encourage his Mom to claim child maintenance for her child. He should not lose out because your brother is a nasty dick. I would simply cut off nasty brother. Please stay in nephews life as it sounds like his Mum might struggle with no support at all.

purpleboy · 26/04/2022 16:13

I've posted a couple of times but I wanted to add my dds story.

Her dad told his mum and sister they were to stop seeing dd as his 2 new step kids felt left out, if they didn't stop seeing dd he would stop them both from having contact with his new bio child. They both refused and continued to see dd, he did stop contact with his baby, but soon resumed it when he realised he couldn't go to the pub.
Anyway fast forward dd has nothing to do with her dad but has such a strong relationship with her gran and auntie, I'm so grateful they didn't let her down, and after feeling so rejected by her dad I don't know how much worse it would have been if her gran and auntie had both done the same thing, I think it would have had really bad long term consequences for her.
So I think your absolutely doing the right thing.

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